20 ways to maintain a healthy level of

20 ways to maintain a healthy level of [2008-02-13]
20 ways to maintain a healthy level of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It In. 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Smuggling Diamonds7. Finish All Your sentences with In Accordance With The Prophecy. 8 Do NOT use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is To Go. 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream I Won!, I Won! 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!! 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go. 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called .... therapy

Ways to maintain healthy level of insanity: [2007-04-05]
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, AskI f They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It In. 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Smuggling Diamonds 7. Finish All Your sentences with In Accordance With The Prophecy. 8 . Don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is To Go. 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream I Won!, IWon! 18. When Leaving The Zoo,Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!! 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.

UPS pilot gripes, mechanic humor [2008-08-12]
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor..... Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPSpilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an S). By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. * P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. * P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit * P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. * P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. * P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. * P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. * P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. * P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. * P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search * P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. * P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. * P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. * And the best one for last * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget

enjoy! [2008-07-23]
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks! , Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you? The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old. The husband replies, What did he say about your 55-year old ass? Your name never came up, she replied

Good one! [2008-05-29]
ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS HOSPITAL CHARTS 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Thought you would have fun with this! [2008-03-10]
This was interesting. Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are True descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real Deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets Worse from there.Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.AQUARIUS- The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.PISCES- The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative.May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.ARIES- The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of badLuck if you do not forwardGEMINI- The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.CANCER- The Protector (June 21 - July 22)Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LEO- The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.VIRGO- The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to.Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LIBRA- The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SCORPIO- The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SAGITTARIUS- The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14 years of bad luck if you do not forwardSend away!!~ Ready . set............ GO!1-3 people= 1 minute of luck4-7 people= 1 hour of luck8-12 people = 1 day of luck13-17 People = 1 week of luck18-22 people = 1 month of luck23-27 people = 3 Months of luck28-32 people = 7 months of luck33-37 people = 1 year of luck

20 ways to maintain a healthy level of [2008-02-13]
20 ways to maintain a healthy level of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It In. 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Smuggling Diamonds7. Finish All Your sentences with In Accordance With The Prophecy. 8 Do NOT use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is To Go. 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream I Won!, I Won! 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!! 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go. 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called .... therapy

New Office Policy [2008-02-08]
My friend LB sent me this today and I just had to share it. Many of us work for companies that if they could well, you know........... NEW OFFICE POLICY Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3! ) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buynicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break: (Love this one) * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Comedy Stop)) [2008-01-22]
Why did the chicken cross the road? DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stpd he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... ANDERSON COOPER- CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@^(C% ........ reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE : I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one? CHENEY : Where's my gun? AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Festive Fruitcake Recipe [2007-12-28]
Merry Christmas to all and to all a nood gight, I mean good night *hic*Festive Fruitcake Recipe1 cup water1 cup sugar4 large eggs2 cups dried fruit1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts1 gallon whiskey[Note: Rum may be substituted for whiskey.]1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.2. Take a large bowl.3. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. 3. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.4. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.5. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.6. Turn off mixer.7. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 8. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.9. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.10. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?11. Check the whiskey.12. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.13. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.14. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.15. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of he window. 16. Check the whiskey again.17 Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?

The Pope and Hillary [2007-12-27]
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clintonare on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild? He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democratin the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice. The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me. So the Pope slapped her.

Affairs... [2007-10-23]
The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. Where have you been? his wife demanded. I can't lie to you, he replied, I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon. She looked down at his shoes and said: You lying b******! You've been playing golf! The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: There's no way I can be the father of this baby.Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back? The wife smiled sweetly and replied: Not this time! The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz, the mortician commented, I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity. So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. I have something to show you won't believe, he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. My God! the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead! The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry, she said, stand in the corner. She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. Don't move until I tell you, she said, pretend you're a statue. What's this? the husband inquired as he entered the room. Oh it's a statue, she replied, the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too. No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. Here, he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing. The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent. One Cent? the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine? A nickel, the barman replied. A nickel? exclaimed the man. Where's the guy who owns this place? The bartender replied: Upstairs, with my wife. The man asked: What's he doing upstairs with your wife? The bartender replied: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here. The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: I have something I must confess. There's no need to, his wife replied. No, he insisted, I want to die in peace.I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother! I know, she replied, now just rest and let the poison work.

New Drugs! Comedy... [2007-10-18]
The pictures did not post with this. I would be glad to email it to anyone! Enjoy! NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to____ for up to 8 full hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person. BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.

H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P!! That was awesome! [2007-10-13]
I was concentrating so hard on level 3 or 4 and then I hit a side and.... WAAAAAAY better than a cup of black coffee or ice cold water splashed on the ol' face. That was awesome!

This one's for all the pet owners out there.... [2007-09-18]
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's backside. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it furniture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3. Are easier to train 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college. And finally, 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Office Note. [2007-09-05]
Dress Code 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore does not need a pay rise. 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise. 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise. Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Holiday Days Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday Sunday. Compassionate Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should bescheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch break and subsequently leave one hour early. Toilet Use 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles. 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken. 3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the Chronic Offenders category. 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Escription funnies [2007-08-15]
This is a report by Dr.Dictationfor patient Otto Recog Neizer. (This was put together from actual Escription bloopers in our facility in the last few months). CHIEF COMPLAINT: Diving accident with paint. The patient fell from Iraq and Iran to the ER which is interesting because the patient has a history of Iraq's dismal atrial fibrillation. HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS: Pulp space is a 59-year-old woman who suffered a fall possibly secondary to a sinkable episode. Boats and soft tissues within normal limits, however. The patient had been brought in to have her toenails trimmed as they had been coughing and causing her some pain. She complained of acute epigastric left sided upper abdominal pain since this morning but able to eat cereal probiotic breakfast. She eats three males a day. If she eats a larger than usual male she will have more frequent bowel movements and tend to have a flare up of abdominal pain. PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: Head injury at age of 2 with fractured ball and repair leak leaving a slight bump on her forehead. Encouraged to try Lamisil cream twice daily to her toes and the bottoms of all her feet. MEDICATIONS: Benadryl for tackling the NuvaRing. She should be on 10 milk colons of potassium daily. Assi fix for groan's disease. ALLERGIES: The patient is allergic to irritable mice in Zosyn. SHe has allergies to certain pain pills which make her vomit Jake. FAMILY HISTORY: Family history is positive for a grandfather spanking grandmother with bipolar disorder. REVIEW OF SYSTEMS: Headaches involving the area right above her left eighth ear. No radiation of pain down her buttock into her arms. She does complain of porcelain leap. SOCIAL HISTORY: The patient lives in an assisted living facility in Amputee, Oregon and is highly educated with a master's of dizziness at ministry. She is close to another resident who is described as a scrotal friend. She works for a stalker's association. Their house was molested by a realtor, and she had a nervous breakdown and has a Gore phobia. There is a scant left politician noted and a trace amount of Republican fluid. No suspicous public apology identified but admits to steering Boyce. The patient was toasted. She has been more irritable lately and has broken things such as marriages. PHYSICAL EXAM: GENERAL: Reveals an engaging female in no acute distress. VITALS: She just, just, just died. HEENT: The small doll appears normal. There is no head and apathy. There may be a very slight decreased density projecting over left my sorry sinus. Animal food bilateral maxillary sinuses. The right eye shows some mattress fee of the macula. CHEST: There are sternal lawyers present. ABDOMEN: No organomegaly or animality appreciated. There is compression of thunder like superficial salsa. Abdomen is soft, nontender, skinny positive bowel sounds. Dog is distended. There is an abundance tool in the right abdomen. GENITALIA: Small left hydrocele otherwise no squirrel abnormality. EXTREMETIES: Warm and well perfused though people pulses were decreased and in the phalanx of Jesus. Extensive spawned Olympic changes on the cycle junction. NEUROLOGIC: THe patient is a right hand dominant, pig executive and a little bit hypo reflex sick. Cranial nerves 2-12 are intact with the exception of his horizontal nice diagnosis. LABS AND IMAGING: CHEST: Extensive postsurgical changes of a left upper lobectomy with a lucky lady effusion. The visualized lungAPCs are clear. The basilar vas hilarity is mildly increased with wild placement of the right lateral ventricle. Study shows television right hemidiaphragm unchanged. There is suspicion for a possible superior mediastinal mouse, for which a CAT scan is indicated. There is slight blunting of the right cost of chronic ankle. There is increased retrosternal hair space which results in mild narrowing of the drool sack. PLAIN FILMS OF THE HIPS AND KNEES: The oval ossific density superior patellofemoral joint may represent a loose latte. There is calcification noted adjacent to the great atrocity representing residual of old nononosseous union of the onerous childhood process. Gonzo soft tissues within normal limits. CT ABDOMEN/PELVIS: 8 mm calculus in the right renal pelvis, without evidence of obstructive teachers. On the left there is no evidence of stoner hydronephrotic change or renal cow collide. Nonspecific bilateral pelvic calcifications most likely flea bullets. Focus of the fatty staring in the litter is suggested. Small cavernous human genome in the right lobe of the liver along with a 7 mm lymph node to the pantheist. Apollo was seen in the gallbladder neck on sonography along with splenic Pharisees noted. There is also a solitary clip in the left parabolic gutter at about the level of the Iliad press. Oedipus is grossly unremarkable in appearance. CT BRAIN/SPINE:Three view study shows no apparent bombing of humility. There is posterior Boeing of thecortex and slight narrowing of the spinal canal. There is diffusely mulching disk at this level. (good for gardening). There mayalso be anterior wenching of a lower thoracic or upper lumbar vertebral body which is only faintly seen on this daddy duty technique. Lab results messy and found stabbed to the emergency room. ASSESSMENT AND PLAN: End-stage hepatic failure secondary to Pepsi. We plan on carpeting this abnormality with rehydrating her gently and I recommended that she take upyoga or some back strengtheningsex and flexibility exercise on a routine basis. Encouraged to try Lamisil cream twice daily toher toes and the bottoms of all her feet. Further evaluation with drug visualization is recommended. This will need to be adjusted up, as the patient was running a little on the high side, althoughthere is no Russian doing this.

George Carlin [2007-07-09]
YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN By: George Carlin I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican! I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way! I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American. I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to. My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it. I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already. I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one? I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry rear if you're running from them.. I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good..... And I'm proud that God is written on my money. I think if you are too st*pid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years. I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making donations to their cause. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. And what is going on with gas prices... Again? I believe illegal is illegal no matter what the lawyers think. I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA! If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know. We want our country back! We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY!

Riddle [2007-07-07]
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star. * Get yunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *

Riddle [2007-07-07]
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star. * Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *

Evening Prayer [2007-06-14]
Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away. Please keep me healthy Please keep me young, And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done. Five tips for a woman.... 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: If we don't get Some support soon, people will think we're nuts.

If you are a baby boomer you'll love these� [2007-05-11]
It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Someof the artists of the 60's are revising their hitswith new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include: Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your LiverThe Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.Abba--- Denture Queen.Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

Classes for men - just a funny to give everyone a laugh for today! sm [2007-04-25]
Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETEDBy Monday, Oct 30, 2007 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVELOF THEIR CONTENTS! , CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM . Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.Class 2The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.Class 5Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink.Is It possible! for a Male to Put Them in the Dishwasher? Examples on Video.Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginningat 7:00 PM Class 6Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum.Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7! :00 PM for 2 hours.Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?Driving Simulations.4 weeks, Saturday Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used.Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Medical Bloopers [2007-04-14]
The skin was moist and dry. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?) The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?) She is numb from her toes down. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!) While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.) The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. The patient refused an autopsy. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. The patient had a rash over his truck. Dictation blunder: lasar radar response (as opposed to vagovagal response).

I remember these days and I'm only 36. [2007-04-04]
This world has come a mighty long way. For instance, taking a perfectly healthy baby to the doctor every month. Foror what? My Mom only took us if we looked like we were dying!!!!! A few close calls, but we all survived. If it hurt, put vaseline on it. If you did something wrong, you got a swat on the butt. If you did something right, well........ need I say more????? We were allowed to get dirty and we did. We were bathed at night together in the same tub til we got too big. We only had one TV and when the news was on we were told to shut-up we're watching the news! We recycled everything known to man. We played in the snow, hail, thunder, lightening, hurricane, you name it, we played outside. Thanks for sharing because I wouldn't trade it either....

Christmas Cookies [2006-12-07]
Christmas Cookies Ingredients: 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups dried fruit 1 bottle Crown Royal Reserve Sample the Crown to check quality Take a large bowl, check the Crown again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer.....Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point its best to make sure the Crown is still OK, try another cup...just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break to leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor..... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Crown to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Crown Royal. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of AR or some fink. Whatever u can find. Greash teh oven Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally , throw the bowl through the window, finish the bottle of Crown Royal and make sure to put the stove in the washerdish.

Good Vs. Evil................ [2006-11-23]
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, green, yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, You want chocolate with that? And Man said, Yes! and Woman said, and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles. And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, Try my fresh green salad. And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons, and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them. And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight, and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy, white cake, named it Angel Food Cake and said, It is good. Satan then created chocolate cake and named it Devil's Food. God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, You want fries with that? And Man replied, Yes! And super size them! And Satan said, It is good. And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. LOL