5th Grader...Comedy

that's comedy board [2008-11-12]
come here to get a laugh and find more and more of this kind of ranting and raving. shame on you all...at least post it on the politics board!

Best Friend Identification! (Comedy) [2008-03-17]
BEST FRIEND IDENTIFICATION If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Charles Schultz Philosophy...(Comedy Stop) [2008-02-17]
http://www.rogerknapp.com/inspire/schultzphilosophy.htm

The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord. She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning. My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much! Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along. Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!! Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord. She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning. My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much! Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along. Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!! Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

Idi__ Sightings! (Comedy Stop, of course!) [2008-02-01]
TOO FUNNY!!!(Had to remove the bad word - last two letters o..t! I hope this does not offend anyone. It's all done in fun. Let me know if it does and I won't post something like this again. Of course, the moderator might let me know first!!! Have a great day and try to stay warm!)IDI__ SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us thatone of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on theopener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Searsmade at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, youneed a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..We haven't used Sears repair since.IDI__ SIGHTINGMy daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gavethe clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, you gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this wayyou can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get themanager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me backthe quarter, and said I owed $4.25 and he was sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDI__ SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSINGsign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars outhere! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossinganymore.From Kingman , KSIDI__SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked theperson behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce.From Kansas CityIDI__ SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employeeasked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Towhich I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Hesmiled knowingly and nodded,That's why we ask.Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDI__ SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Iwas crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She askedif I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind peoplewhen the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blindpeople doing driving?!She was a probation officer in Wichita , KSIDI__ SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving thecompany due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, This isfun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We alljust looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDI__ SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself andfor the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDI__ SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driversside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried thedoor handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to thetechnician, its open! His reply, I know. I already got that side.This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE , THEY DRIVE andthey REPRODUCE

Angels explained by children! (Comedy) [2008-02-01]
Angels Explained by ChildrenI only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.--Gregory, 5Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. --Olive, 9It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go toheaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. Andthen you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. --Matthew, 9Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.--Mitchell, 7My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good forscience.--Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows.--Jack, 6Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.--Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.--Reagan, 10Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. --Sara, 6Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.--Jared, 8All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.--Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. --Katelynn, 9Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. --Vicki, 8What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.--Sarah, 7

Rabbit vs snake. (Comedy Stop) [2008-01-30]
Now there is a real snake in this video. Just a warning but it's something you don't see every day. (And the snake is NOT eating the rabbit). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4rU-rFn6vY

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Comedy Stop)) [2008-01-22]
Why did the chicken cross the road? DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stpd he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... ANDERSON COOPER- CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@^(C% ........ reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE : I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one? CHENEY : Where's my gun? AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Splish! Splash! Waterbed video (comedy) [2008-01-20]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0UVN4OD_cAmode=relatedsearch=

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire??? Comedy! [2008-01-19]
Who Wants To be AMillionaire ??? My wife and Iwere watching Who Wants To Be A Millionairewhile we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No!', she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' 'Yes!', she replied. Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.' That's the last thing I remember. Poor woman,she has absolutelyNOsense of humor!

5th Grader...Comedy [2008-01-02]
Subject:FW: 5th Grader ..... OUT THE MOUTHS OF BABES A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,'How did I get here?'Her mother told her, 'God sent you.''Did God send you, too?' asked the child.'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.'He sent them also,' the mother said.'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?No wonder everyone's so darn grouchy around here.'

Why was this moved to comedy board AND [2007-12-27]
I don't find anything funny about her problem.

The human body - Comedy [2007-12-27]
The human body, Interesting!!!!!!The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were. -Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream. -The largest cell in the human body is the female egg. -Thesmallest is the male sperm.-You use 200 muscles to take one step. -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man. -Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three . -A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands. -A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. -The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. -The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. -It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. -The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds. -Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. -At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell. -There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. -Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half agallon of water to a boil. -The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body. -Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born. -When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate. -Your thumb is the same length of your nose.At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last factto the test... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might beinterested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well ..... I did.

Goat for Dinner....Comedy [2007-12-23]
Goat for DinnerThe young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.Goat, the little boy replied.Goat? replied the startled man of the cloth, Are you sure about that?Yep, said the youngster. I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'

Sunday Services ... Comedy [2007-12-23]
Sunday ServicesOne Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, I'm not going.Why not? she asked.I'll give you two good reasons, he said. One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them.His mother replied, I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!

Old Friends Reunited At A Party...comedy [2007-12-11]
Fw: Old Friends Reunited At A Party... Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 Years, reunited at a party. After several Drinks, one of the men had to use the rest Room. Those who remained talked about their Kids. The first guy said, My son is my pride And joy. He started working at a successful Company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon Began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so Rich that he gave his best friend a top of the Line Mercedes for his birthday. The second guy said, Darn, that's terrific! My Son is also my pride and joy. He started Working for a big airline, and then went to Flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he Became a partner in the company, where he owns The majority of its assets. He's so rich that He gave his best friend a brand new jet plane for his Birthday. The third man said: Well, that's terrific! My Son studied in the best universities and became An engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a Multimillionaire. He also gave away something Very nice and expensive to his best friend for His birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion. The three friends congratulated each other just As the fourth returned from the restroom and Asked: What are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about The pride we feel for the successes of our Sons What about your son? The fourth man replied: My son is gay and Makes a living dancing as a stripper at a Nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame... What a Disappointment. The fourth man replied: No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done Too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, And he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot Mansion, a brand new jet plane and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

Yes, this is the Comedy Stop Board [2007-12-08]
not the word help board, LOL. The term is chest of drawers, not chest of HER drawers, which is hilarious.

I'm glad this doesn't apply to me! Comedy [2007-12-07]
Subject: This Is Happening Here in Our Own Country I'm glad this doesn't apply to me! : THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately ! Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there! All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! Comedy [2007-11-27]
Subject: The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 1 0 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all th at you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

New Drugs! Comedy... [2007-10-18]
The pictures did not post with this. I would be glad to email it to anyone! Enjoy! NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to____ for up to 8 full hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person. BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.

you posted on comedy board-try main board instead nm [2007-08-11]
x

This is supposed to be Comedy Stop. [2006-01-28]
x

Gilligan's Island [2008-10-06]
Gilligan's Island Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. There is, however, a dark secret about this comedy you may never have realized.The island is a direct representation of hades. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave.Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:- Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.- Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.- The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all.- Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.- Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on and of their escape plans.- The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show.- This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.Crazy? He does wear red in every episode...

I loved Red, great post [2008-03-08]
I enjoyed this post. It was a nice trip down memory lane when comedy was truly comedy.

these are so cool I had to share them [2008-02-19]
didn't know where else except the comedy board. www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYMRepK_aqwfeature=related www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oA1GpdFyic guess you will have to cut and paste.

Where else can I share these with you! sm [2008-02-01]
Okay, it's light-hearted! Something different. How about those frozen waves in Antartica? How about that floating Gazebo? Not funny. Just something amazing and different. I usually put Comedy Stop, Joke or something similar because it posts on the main board too. This way someone can immediately skip it if they are hard at work and do not have time to read it. If I put video, then someone will know that it is going to take time to view and maybe they don't have the time.

AN APOLOGY TO EVERYONE! The pics came from email and did not follow over here. [2008-01-24]
I won't post those again. They were just so funny and I wanted to share. I really did go out and came back in to Comedy Stop and I could see the pics. (maybe I'm beginning to see things that I want to see!) I thought they were posting. Anyway, if there are any that you want me to send to you by email, put the name of the ones you want and I will email them to you. Also, be sure to include your email address.I've tried to send emails for requests from this site and I get a mail demon. Have a great day!

I am so sorry. I look at these after I post [2008-01-22]
and they came up when I went back to Comedy Stop and clicked on them. This one with monkeys are showing up for me. Maybe there is a computer guru out there that can help me out. I get so many of these cute e-mails, I like to share them and make you laugh at one of them anyway!! I'ss see if I can find this one on the web and post a copy and paste web site! I noticed the one for Having a bad day? didn't come up. That makes me mad. I thought the pictures were showing up on all of them now.

5th Grader...Comedy [2008-01-02]
Subject:FW: 5th Grader ..... OUT THE MOUTHS OF BABES A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,'How did I get here?'Her mother told her, 'God sent you.''Did God send you, too?' asked the child.'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.'He sent them also,' the mother said.'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?No wonder everyone's so darn grouchy around here.'

My SIL (and this is very unlike her) [2007-12-29]
won $100 at a comedy club for telling this joke. I loved it!

Children - Through Their Eyes! [2007-12-27]
Today's Funnies xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Children: Through Their Eyes NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! DISCLAIMER On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents. HEINZ 57A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. It's the minister, mommy, the child said to her mother. Then she said to the minister, Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle. MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?THE ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few weeks ago. DADDY'S TUX A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. And why not, darling? asked the dad.You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning, replied the girl. DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes. SCHOOL DAYSA little girl had just finished her first week of school. I'm just wasting my time, she said to her mother. I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. Mama, look what I found, the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? asked the mom. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, I think it's Adam's underwear.

Oh my goodness [2007-12-08]
I just go through the list of items on the board and open them up. I didn't realize it was the Comedy Stop. Just too funny. I thought it was a younger MT who had never heard dresser referred to chest of drawers.

A child's view of the world.... [2007-12-07]
Subject:A child's view of the world......- She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye! My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, Did you start at 1? After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was THAT? A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are we alike? You're both old, he replied. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself! When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure. Look in your underwear, Grandpa, he advised. mine says I'm four to six. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That's interesting, she said, how do you make babies? It's simple, replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'. Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. Don't you know what pregnant means? she asked. Sure, said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one child. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrants..

Grandchildren's Logic [2007-08-19]
Grandchildren's Logic My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, Did you start at 1? ************************************************************ After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was THAT? *********************************************************** A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! ********************************************************** A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. *************************************************************** A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife. ******************************************************** Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, What caused the submarine to sink? With a look of incredulity Mark replied, Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!! ********************************************************** When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. ******************************************************* When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure. Look in your underwear, Grandma, he advised. Mine says I'm four to six. ******************************************************* A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That's interesting, she said, How do you make babies? It's simple, replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es' ********************************************************** Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. Don't you know what pregnant means? she asked. Sure, said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child. ************************************************************ A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one youngster. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrant.

Chill out [2007-07-30]
It's on the COMEDY board.

Don't Be Afraid to Post Now! [2007-06-09]
Isincerely hope that we are not reluctant to post on this comedy board because of a few spoil sports. Listen, if you are going to be offended so easily, DO NOT READ THESE POSTS. I, for one, enjoy the humor. Please don't let these fools keep you from sharing your humor with the rest of us!

Don't be afraid to post now! [2007-06-09]
I sincerely hope that we are not reluctant to post on this comedy board because of a few spoil sports. Listen, if you are going to be offended so easily, DO NOT READ THESE POSTS. I, for one, enjoy the humor. Please don't let these fools keep you from sharing your humor with the rest of us!

Thanks for that laugh! [2007-03-29]
One of my favorite sections of this site here is this comedy part...I can always count on some good stuff to brighten my day!

Richard Jeni.......dead at 49.......sm [2007-03-12]
A great loss in the world of comedy! Very sad day indeed.......

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup [2006-09-24]
This is very clever when you consider the world's politics today......... What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup? The Englishman-throws the cup and walks away. The American-takes out the fly and drinks the coffee. The Chinese-eats the fly and throws away the coffee. The Japanese-drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge. The Israeli-sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee. The Palesinian-blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee, asks the UN for aid, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Englishman, the American, the Chinese, and the Japanese all try to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive..... This joke should just offend about everybody, but c'mon folks - this IS a comedy board, and if we didn't LAUGH about the very sick politics in today's world's climate, we'd be all crying terribly. Hope some of you enjoy this joke as I sure did. !!!!

I read this and "I walked away laughing hysterically." [2006-09-13]
It was just a how to ruin a perfect joke message. I wasn't having a bad day at all. I justwas rather disheartened that theCOMEDY BOARDwas also bitten by the new badway to end a joke virus.. It's a terrible thing when ajoke cannot end with a perfect punchline instead of a hint that suggests okay, now it is time to laugh. Thattotally takes the PUNCH out of the punchline. It was like the old canned laughter on old shows like M*A*S*H. My mom used to say, Why do they do that? We don't need to be told when something is funny. If we don't get it, then we don't know what is funny and that canned laughter just takes away from the funny stuff. It's like in grade school when you told a joke and ended it with, get it? Case in point, Bob and Jim are sitting around a campfire with a bunch of people. BOB SAYS: Hey Jim, how do you keepsomeone in suspense? JIM: I don't know. How? BOB: I'll tell you tomorrow. That joke doesn't end in, and everyone around the campfire LAUGHED OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!