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The Three Women [2008-04-18]
3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice SM style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes . After a few days they meet again.....The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night longThe mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we made wild passionate love all nightThe married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: 'Hi Batman, what's for dinner?'
9 WORDS WOMEN USE [2008-03-10]
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm.This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an id and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever:Is a women's way of saying____YOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
New Drugs for Women (Joke - Did they add any new ones?) [2008-03-04]
http://www.321greetings.com/newdrugsforwomen.htm
Eight Words with two Meanings [2008-02-14]
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The last part is the funniestEight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female....... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Full y opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. ! 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 8. REMOTE CONTROL ( ri- moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND; He said . .. . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said......Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said... We don't know; it has never happened. ! She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? He said... A widow. He said... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
Women are evil! (Joke) [2008-02-01]
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.'Are you the manager?' she asked him softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into hishair. 'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?' Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping acouple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!
If Women Ruled the World! (link) [2008-02-01]
http://yoke.cc/women.htm
Women are so much better at Estate planning than men: (joke) [2008-01-30]
Subject: Women are so much better at Estate planning than men:Michael was a single guy living at home with his father andworking in the family business.When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when hissicklyfather died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share hisfortune.One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the mostbeautiful woman he had ever seen.Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like justanordinary man, he said to her, but in just a few years, myfather will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three dayslater, she became his stepmother.Women are so much better at estate planning than men
2007 Women Driver Awards (Video) [2008-01-27]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja58upqPAxk
Women Drivers! [2007-12-02]
Subject:FW: women drivers
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman,
In a brand new Cadillac, Doing 65 mph,
With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror,
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds!
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against The steering wheel,
It knocked
My cell phone,
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee Between my legs,
Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the d...(delete) phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an Important call.
D..mn.ed women drivers!
25 words of wisdom [2007-07-21]
25 Words of Wisdom
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said,Thyroid problem?
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:Buy one dog, get one flea...
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have Schiffer Brains.
18. No one ever says It's only a game! when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always
complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? [2007-07-10]
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.
They don't even
know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this
house in the
dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And
once they figured
it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs
despite the fact
that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the
light bulbs, TWO
DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two
rooms over to stand
on to change theFREAKING light bulb would STILL BE IN
THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE
DARN@*!#$%
LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS
HOUSE EVER CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE
PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT
THE ENTIRE HOUSE.!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS . .
I'm sorry. . .what did you ask me?
Adult words taken literally by children... [2007-02-26]
For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love thethings little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often takenliterally.....Circumcised
(this is priceless!)A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class wassquirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.She went back to find out what was going on.He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was totelephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.He did and returned to his class.Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his deskwith his private part hanging out. I thought I told you to call your mom! she said.
I did, he said, And she told me that if I could stick it out tillnoon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
The Difference Between Men and Women [2006-08-22]
The Difference Between Men and Women:
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they're the best. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men....
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
You got that right! [2008-08-13]
They have no idea, even when you have worked in the field for 15 years, one day you are doing an ESL and you get a new word to add to your knowledge base . . .
Essofogus. That would need to go through your memory bank for all the medical words you know beginning with Eso . . . OH! Esophagus. Only experience gives you that magic. Or in QA when the MT notes a blank under labs, Sounds like three pastas in the urine. You have to come up with 3+.
Don't you wish we had a Sounds Like dictionary?
I think my next venture is to write that sounds like dictionary. haha.
What about it? [2008-06-10]
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking: 1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Fun facts! [2008-05-29]
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig. ) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the..?!) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. 30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine? The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. ( If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone (and God love that pig)
How to save the airlines [2008-05-08]
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the heck -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a party atmosphere going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and special services.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Bill Clinton
Very funny dictations. [2008-04-18]
I has to post these. These are hysterical. I found them on Kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.html
OKAY, NOW ON TO THE BLOOPERS!! ______________________________________First of all, here is my favorite -- a classic example of the pot calling the kettle black!!!He mumbles with lips that barely move and in fact is mostly unintelligible as to his intention with his words.______________________________________The next patient's name is Doe, John.... I'm not sure which is the first name and which is the last name, although I would imagine Doe would be the last name, unless it's John.______________________________________This is an 8-year-old child accompanied by her mother, who appears playful and interactive.______________________________________This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.______________________________________The patient's gait is normal. I am able to stand on her toes.______________________________________The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant.______________________________________The patient was cleaned copiously and steri-stripped. She was then dressed and discharged. ______________________________________This 50-year-old teacher is undergoing polysomnogram because of daytime sleepiness and difficulty staying asleep while teaching.______________________________________....painful cramps prior to her menses secondary to her period.______________________________________The other foot has the missing toes.______________________________________(Dictated on a patient with schizophrenia) The patients are alert and oriented.______________________________________He is an occasional smoker, smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day for the past 19 years.______________________________________
S: Patient comes in for ear pain. She is pain free.O: TMs and canals are normal.A: Normal knee exam.P: Reassurance.
______________________________________Blood loss from the procedure was less than 10 gallons.______________________________________First name Victor, spelled V as in Victor....______________________________________Preoperative diagnosis: Unexplained abdominal pain in the knee.______________________________________She is sexually active with one muscle.______________________________________GENITORECTAL: Surgically fused ankles bilaterally.______________________________________He denies falling asleep while driving during meals.______________________________________Patient has been married for 30 years, living at home with husband, and in the past has had dogs, cats, and children as pets.______________________________________The patient states that diarrhea tends to run in his family.______________________________________He is married with two spouses, ages 12 and 9.______________________________________Pelvic and Pap smear were done in my office in her vaginal area.______________________________________Also, on his right hand he has a left thumb dislocation.______________________________________She had difficulty completing simple calculations. For example, when I asked her what 3 times 3 plus 1 equals, she said 'ten'.______________________________________This 42-year-old woman who was discharged after four days of admission, four days after a four-day admission, was discharged and now returns.______________________________________Check out the whole list and more at http://kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.htm
The Three Women [2008-04-18]
3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice SM style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes . After a few days they meet again.....The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night longThe mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we made wild passionate love all nightThe married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: 'Hi Batman, what's for dinner?'
Men? [2008-04-06]
Not necessarily. There are plenty women out there with tempers who are MTs.
Obviously those weren't really MTs, [2008-04-06]
but they were all men, LOL. Sure women have tempers, but are less likely to pick up equipment and throw it like the video showed.
9 WORDS WOMEN USE [2008-03-10]
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm.This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an id and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever:Is a women's way of saying____YOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
I've seen old ads selling tapeworms [2008-03-08]
before, back when women were trying to squeeze into corsets. Apparently it was also big to have ribs removed. Nowadays ribs are the least of our waistline problems, LOL.
Red Skelton [2008-03-07]
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you willenjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Kentucky. 3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time! she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric Toaster and electric bread maker. She said There are too many gadgets, and no place To sit down! So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well Because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.She told me, In the lake. 8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late ? The driver said, No, jump in. 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her First name was ALWAYS. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, What's on the TV? I said, Dust! Can't you just hear him say all of these?.....those were the good old days When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple. And he always ended his programs with the words, God Bless
JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH [2008-02-23]
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JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCHAttending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white? The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. The child thought about this for a moment then said, So why is the groom wearing black?~~~~~~~~~~~~A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either! ~~~~~~~~~~~~Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money! ~~~~~~~~~~~~An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.~~~~~~~~~~~~A police recruit was asked during the exam, What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He answered, Call for backup. ~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter.~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to Honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.~~~~~~~~~~~~At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, Johnny, what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.
Ole and Lena [2008-02-23]
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.Lena replied, You yust put 'Ole died'.The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said,
Okay...You put...'Ole died. Boat for sale'.
Have you had your vitamin L today? [2008-02-16]
L for laughter!
This is an oldie but it still makes me laugh!
CALLING IN SICK
Weall had trouble with our animals, but I donCalling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks Ione recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wifeto adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it. You know where the button is, I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. Reset it yourself! But I she persisted. What if it starts going and sucks me in? There was a meaningful pause and then, C So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasnour new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of been-there, done-that paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. What They all asked, Cat got your tongue? If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this? Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!
I'm an old cowhand.... [2008-02-14]
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, Are you a real cowboy? He replied, Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy. She said, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women. The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, Are you a real cowboy? He replied, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian .
Eight Words with two Meanings [2008-02-14]
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The last part is the funniestEight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female....... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Full y opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. ! 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 8. REMOTE CONTROL ( ri- moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND; He said . .. . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said......Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said... We don't know; it has never happened. ! She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? He said... A widow. He said... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
LOL!! [2008-02-14]
I love sharing ASR funnies. It is amazing the liberty ASR takes with spoken words and starts a whole new line of thinking! I had 1 report where a linesman fell and fractured his leg. In the ER, while questioning the guy, he admitted to having his hardhat on along with other safety equipment. Well, ASR gotta hold of the hard in hardat and went onabout this poor guy and his hard-on and that he had fractured it !!! YOWZA!!!
accident in Texas...sm [2008-02-08]
ACCIDENT IN Texas : YOU HAVE TO LISTEN! catThis is so funny and his laugh is contagious! Close your eyes and just picture what he is watching...it's even better than a video clip!!!You've got to listen to this! It's a phone call from a man inTexas who witnessed a car accident involving 4 elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their site.Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf
If Women Ruled the World! (link) [2008-02-01]
http://yoke.cc/women.htm
Women are so much better at Estate planning than men: (joke) [2008-01-30]
Subject: Women are so much better at Estate planning than men:Michael was a single guy living at home with his father andworking in the family business.When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when hissicklyfather died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share hisfortune.One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the mostbeautiful woman he had ever seen.Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like justanordinary man, he said to her, but in just a few years, myfather will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three dayslater, she became his stepmother.Women are so much better at estate planning than men
Investment tips! (Joke) [2008-01-19]
Investment tips
2008 Investment Tips
Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these, but here goes:
Investment tips for 2008 For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2008:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4). ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5). FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6). Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7). Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8). Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally
9). Victoria 's Secret and Smith Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBang Bang.
You might be a transcriptionist if: [2008-01-03]
You might be a medical Transcriptionist if/when:
The last book you read on vacation was a diagnostic guide to tendon injuries.
Someone yells duck and you start typing d-U-c-t in midair.
You start correcting people's grammar mistakes in a chat room dedicated to discussing movies and TV shows.
You know your gluteus maximus from your olecranon process.
Your favorite 3 words are end of dictation.
You refer to making your holiday turkey as prepping and draping in the usual fashion.
You guess the outcome of CSI in the first 5 minutes of the show after hearing the (not-so-mysterious) mysterious cause of death.
You can't go into a doctor's office without asking the receptionist Who does your medical transcription? or commenting to your own doctor that you think he's a bad dictator and you feel sorry for the MT working for him.
Your doctor tells you that you have a problem with your back but doesn't want to confuse you with the details and you ask him -- Were sagittal and coronal T1-weighted images performed and T2- and proton density-weighted images also obtained?
You think percussion is something that belongs more in a medical report than in a rock band.
You say to your honey, skip the flowers and chocolate for my birthday and get me the latest version of Stedman's Medical and Pharma spellchecker.
You offer your landscaper 7 cents per line of grass for mowing your lawn.
You press the left pedal in your car and you're surprised when the car doesn't go into reverse.
Your neighbor comes to you to make a diagnosis based on a series of symptoms and advise them on whether to have surgery or not. (you refuse of course LOL)
Your favorite quote is Acronyms bad, verbose originators good.
You can fix stuck keys on your computer keyboard by turning it upside down and banging out the crumbs.
You have a Mr. Coffee within arm's reach of your desk. The first place your husband and children look for you is at your desk rather than in the kitchen.
Your husband and children wave their hand between your face and the computer screen to get your attention.
You can fold laundry while sitting at your desk and listening to the latest dictator who speaks 5 words in 60 seconds... and still changes his mind 4 times on exactly how to put it.
You step on people's feet to get them to repeat what they just said.
You have a bladder capacity of more than a quart.
You have a bookshelf by your desk in which no two books are the same color.
Your dream is to someday have every book Stedman's makes.
Your wrist rest has food spots on it.
No one who doesn't know how to touch type can use your computer keyboard because at least half the keys have the letters worn off.
Your friends have to learn your macro names in order to read your emails to them.
Your husband and children have to learn your macro names in order to read the notes you write them.
You are the only one in your family who can understand the clerks at the 7-11.
You find watching only one TV screen at a time boring.
You correct the pharmacist's spelling.
It aggravates you that the keys on the telephone keypad are in a different order than the keys on the 10-key pad on your computer keyboard.
You have a mini refrigerator sitting next to your computer tower.
More than half the icons on your desktop have to do with drugs or dictionaries.
There are more coffee cups in your office than there are in the kitchen.
You have your Mr. Coffee plugged in to your UPS (battery backup).
Your friends want you to go to their doctor appointments with them so you can act as an interpreter.
You go to the doctor with your spouse who tells the doctor, She's a medical transcriptionist so I'll let her tell you what's wrong with me. To this, the doctor replies, OK...would you prefer to tell me or do you want to type it?
You flip back and forth between work and newsgroups.
You watch television commercials for prescription drugs very closely to see what the generic form is and how both are spelled.
You get an invitation to something that specifies work attire and you wonder if that means fluffy slippers, flip flops - or if it would be okay to show up barefoot.
You go to start the car to go to the grocery store and find the battery is dead. You don't know how long it's been dead.
Yeah, but you're still misspelling a lot. [2007-12-28]
It's 2 words. Joke's on you maybe?
Something to make you smile! [2007-12-23]
something to make you smile]
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.... ..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(What about that pig??)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone ! (and God love that pig!)
My Wish for You in 2008! It's different! [2007-12-21]
My Wish for You in 2008
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words ............
May 2008 be the best year of your life!!!
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