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Bob and the Blonde [2008-05-14]
BOB AND THE BLONDE
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, Do you think he'll jump?
Bob says, You know, I bet he'll jump.
The blonde replied, Well, I bet he won't.
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, You're on! Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, Fair's fair. Here's your money.
Bob replied, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.
The blond replied, I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.
Bob took the money...
Why a Bee? (Cute story) [2008-04-06]
Why a Bee?Author Unknown
Once upon a time the animals had a school. They had four subjects: running, climbing, flying, and swimming, and all animals took all subjects.
The duck was good at swimming-better than the teachers in fact. He made passing grades in running and flying, but he was almost hopeless in climbing. So they made him drop swimming to practice more climbing. Soon he was only average in swimming. But average is OK, and nobody worried much about it except the duck.
The eagle was considered a troublemaker. In his climbing class he beat everybody to the top of the tree, but he had his own way of getting there, which was against the rules. He always had to stay after school and write, Cheating is wrong 500 times. This kept him from soaring, which he loved. But schoolwork comes first.
The bear flunked because they said he was lazy, especially in winter. His best time was summer, but school wasn't open then.
The penguin never went to school because he couldn't leave home, and they wouldn't start a school out where he lived.
The zebra played hookey ... a lot. The ponies made fun of his stripes, and that made him very sad.
The kangaroo started out at the top of the running class, but got discouraged trying to run on all fours like the other kids.
The fish quit school because he was bored. To him all four subjects were the same, but nobody understood that.
They had never been a fish.
The squirrel got As in climbing, but his flying teacher made him start from the ground up instead of the treetop down. His legs got so sore from practicing takeoffs that he began getting Cs and Ds in running.
But the bee was the biggest problem of all, so the teacher sent him to Dr. Owl for testing. Dr. Owl said that the bees wings were just too small for flying, and besides they were in the wrong place. But the bee never saw Dr. Owl's report, so he just went ahead and flew anyway.
I think I know a bee or two, don't you?
Wow. Reminds me of a story [2008-03-08]
my hubby's family tells of DH's uncle. He went to school in a one-room schoolhouse in WV. When he'd have a cough his teacher would advise him to step outside and have a menthol cigarette to treat his cough!
Cutesy Valentine Story... [2008-02-15]
Why moms are smarter than dads
One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me andmy brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one anda half years old and had just recovered from an accident in whichmy arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and itwas one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living roomengrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearbyin the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' whichwas just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise forsuch yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait inthe living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with acup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reachto get water is the toilet”?
A year in the life of a blonde...(joke) [2008-01-21]
A year in the Life of a Blonde
January -- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February ---- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!! March -- Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said 2-4 years! April -- Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!! May -- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June -- Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July -- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August -- Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September -- The capital of :State of California is C.....isn't it??? October -- Hate M M's.....they are so hard to peel. November -- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December -- Couldn't call 911...duh.....there's no eleven Button on the phone!!!
Blonde Joke!! [2008-01-19]
I thought you might find this funny...
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is click here!
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
A Blonde Christmas Story [2007-12-27]
Blonde Christmas Story There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!
Another Blonde Joke [2007-12-24]
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GOT UP AND MOVED TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SAT DOWN.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHED HER DO THIS, AND ASKED TO SEE HER TICKET.SHE THEN TOLD THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO RETURN AND SIT IN THE ECONOMY SECTION IN BACK.THE BLONDE REPLIED, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WENT BACK TO THE COCKPIT AND TOLD THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS WHO BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.THE CO-PILOT WENT BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY, SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE FIRST CLASS AND RETURN TO HER PROPER SEAT.THE BLONDE REPLIED, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'THE CO-PILOT RETURNED AND TOLD THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND, TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.THE PILOT SAID, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERED IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAID, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND SHE GOT UP AND WENT BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON.'
Blonde Joke! [2007-12-22]
Ablonde was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.She rushed her cat, along with the tail overto WALMART!
Why WALMART???
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
12 Redneck Days of Christmas [2007-12-21]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suqWNk1vi0o
Christmas with Louis (Hilarious) [2007-12-21]
Wildest Christmas Dinner This is an articlesubmitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to findout who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over hisfireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true becauseevery Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses andwent in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?You're kidding me! Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of theprice scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came tolife. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his houseand left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dogconfused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and barksome more. We all agreed that Lou ise should remain in her panty hose so therest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditionalChristmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door 'What the h**l is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!
The Merry Christmas Wave! [2007-12-18]
Of course, it's toilette humor!
http://www.toilette-humor.com/christmas/merry_xmas_wave.shtml
Politically correct Christmas [2007-12-08]
Christmas Party Announcement* *FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 8, 2006* *RE: Christmas Party*I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 22, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should cost more than $10.00 to make it easier for everyone's pockets. Our CEO will make a special announcement. This gathering is for employees only!Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 10, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah's is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no presents. No Christmas carol sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.Happy now???Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 13, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, AA Only; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.How am I supposed to handle this?Somebody?Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little too chintzy.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 14, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during the daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy baggy.Will that work?Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the Gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruit as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply No Sugar desserts. Sorry!Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All F---king Employees* *DATE: November 15, 2006* *RE: the F---king Holiday Party*Vegetarian pukes - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the grill of death, as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your stinking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right NOW!I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!!!The B..... from HADES!!!!!!!!*FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 16, 2006* *RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party*I'm sure I speak for all of us wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery in the unit and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party.Happy Holidays! Joan THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Oh Christmas Tree [2007-12-07]
... oh Christmas Tree! How lovely are your bottles.
See link
Another Seniors Story! [2007-11-14]
Subject: Fw: Another Seniors Story
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. May we see the new baby? one asked. Not yet, said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first. Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, May we see the new baby now? No, not yet, said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, May we see the baby now? No, not yet, replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, Well, when can we see the baby?!? WHEN HE CRIES! she told them. WHEN HE CRIES? they demanded. Why do we have to wait until he CRIES? BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!
Another blonde one [2007-10-23]
BLONDE AT A BUS STOP In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him ''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! '' At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.''
Love story [2007-10-23]
LOVE STORY I will seek and find you . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you I will make you ache, shake sweat until you moan groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days All my love, The Flu Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot! Get your flu shot, everyone!
LA Ghost Story [2007-09-30]
Thanks for sharing that! I live in Slidell and work in New Orleans....
Louisiana ghost story [2007-09-28]
LouisianaGhoststoryThishappenedaboutamonthagojustoutsideofBourg,alittletowninthebayoucountryofLouisiana,andwhileitsoundslikeanAlfredHitchcocktale,it'sreal.
Thisoutofstatetravelerwasonthesideoftheroad,hitchhikingonarealdarknightinthemiddleofathunderstorm.Timepassedslowlyandnocarswentby.Itwasrainingsohardhecouldhardlyseehishandinfrontofhisface.
Suddenlyhesawacarmovingslowly,approachingandappearingghostlikeintherain.Itslowlyandsilentlycrepttowardhimandstopped.Wantingariderealbadtheguyjumpedinthecarandclosedthedoor;onlythendidherealizethattherewasnobodybehindthewheel,andnosoundofanenginetobeheardovertherain.
Againthecarcreptslowlyforwardandtheguywasterrified,tooscaredtothinkofjumpingoutandrunning.Theguysawthatthecarwasapproachingasharpcurveand,stilltooscaredtojumpout,hestartedtoprayandbeggingforhislife;hewassuretheghostcarwouldgoofftheroadandinthebayouandhewouldsurelydrown!Butjustbeforethecurveashadowyfigureappearedatthedriver'swindowandahandreachedinandturnedthes teeringwheel,guidingthecarsafelyar oundthebend.Then,justassilently,thehanddisappearedthroughthewindowandthehitchhikerwasaloneagain!
Paralyzedwithfear,theguywatchedthehandreappeareverytimetheyreachedacurve.Finallytheguy,scaredtoneardeath,hadallhecouldtakeandjumpedoutofthecarandrantotown.Wetandinshock,hewentintoabarandvoicequavering,orderedtwoshotsofwhiskey,thentoldeverybodyabouthissupernaturalexperience.
Asilenceenvelopedandeverybodygotgoosebumpswhentheyrealizedtheguywastellingthetruth(andnotjustsomedrunk).Abouthalfanhourlatertwoguyswalkedintothebarandonesaystotheother,LookBoudreaux,dersdaidiatthatrodeinourcarwhenwewuzpushinitindarain.
LA ghost story [2007-09-28]
I'm from Chauvin. Thanks for the humongous laugh!! Loved it!! I kept imagining ALL those curves in Bourg that poor guy had to go through!!
yet another blonde joke [2007-08-18]
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
Look! They spelled macy's wrong!
remember this at Christmas Time [2007-07-15]
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIMEAccording to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeers grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeers retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
For all you blonde ladies out there... [2007-07-04]
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate!4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
LOL! That may just be one of the best blonde jokes ever!!!! [2007-06-17]
x
Another blonde joke! [2007-05-19]
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, What is going on here? My car broke down, Officer says the woman, calmly. Well, what the he11 are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?! asks the Officer. Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers! she replied.
Turkey Surgery (FUNNY!) [2008-11-21]
TURKEY SURGERY
I was having trouble getting to sleep after a long day of transcribing. Planning for the coming holiday season wasn't helping me relax, but finally I drifted off. I began to dream, and in my dream I was in my kitchen. The favorite Christmas carol of all transcriptionists, Do You Hear What I Hear? was playing on the kitchen radio. I began to prepare our Christmas Dinner.
NAME OF OPERATION: Roasting turkey.
SURGEON: Dr. Chief Cook.
ASSSISTANT: Dr. Bottle Washer.
ANESTHESIA: None.
FLUIDS: Gravy.
INDICATIONS FOR SURGERY: The turkey had been pronounced dead previous to the procedure, and presented with a body temperature of approximately 10 degrees Fahrenheit. It was placed supine in the hypothermic holding chamber and gradual warming procedures were instituted for 24 hours previous to surgery. Body temperature was approximately 40 degrees at the time the procedure began.
FINDINGS AND TECHNIQUE: Incisions were already present, and most viscera were surgically absent. The patient had a medical history of decapitation and bilateral pedal amputation. Alopecia was complete, with the exception of a few stray feathers, which were removed. The heart, liver, and gizzard were present in the peritoneal cavity, along with the cervical portion of the patient's spine. These were removed by the surgeon and put to simmer on the back table, to be prepared appropriately for presentation at the completion of the procedure.
The peritoneal cavity was thoroughly lavaged and excess adipose tissue was removed. The distal portions of the bilateral upper appendages were tucked neatly behind the acromioclavicular joints. A specially prepared mixture of cornbread, mushrooms, and sausage, with appropriate spices, was packed loosely into the peritoneal cavity. Additional portions of the mixture were inserted subcutaneously and superficial to the pectoral muscles.
The peritoneal opening was closed in one layer, utilizing skewers and kitchen string. All fork, knife, and spice counts were correct x2. A thermometer was inserted in the appropriate location to ensure correct body temperature at the conclusion of the procedure. The turkey was placed in the Kenmore hyperthermic unit. It was roasted at 325 degrees, at the rate of 30 minutes per pound of body weight prior to surgery, with intermittent applications of broth and melted butter.
After the internal temperature had reached 180 degrees, the turkey was removed from the hyperthermic chamber, and the sutures were removed. The patient was placed supine on a platter and taken to the dining area, where it was found to be in excellent condition by all present.
Sick Leave... [2008-06-25]
Sick LeaveI urgently needed a few days off work,But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'Then he would tell me to take a few days off.So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,'What in the name of good GOD are you doing? 'I told him I was a light bulb.He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'I jumped down and walked out of the office...When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,'. ..And where do you think you're going?!'(You're gonna love this....)
She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
.
Part 2 [2008-06-09]
http://news.aol.com/entertainment/television/tv-news-story/ar/_a/hospital-leak-goes-deeper-than-farrah/20080609104209990002?icid=100214839x1203780471x1200149119
Bob and the Blonde [2008-05-14]
BOB AND THE BLONDE
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, Do you think he'll jump?
Bob says, You know, I bet he'll jump.
The blonde replied, Well, I bet he won't.
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, You're on! Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, Fair's fair. Here's your money.
Bob replied, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.
The blond replied, I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.
Bob took the money...
Master Card Wedding! [2008-03-17]
This may not be a true story. I'm not sure! But it's funny!
A TEST FOR OLD KIDS! [2008-03-05]
A TEST FOR OLD KIDS:I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us “old kids! (The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.)01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer, “I don't know, but he left this behind.” What did he leave behind? ________________.02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.03 Get your kicks, __________________.04. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we danced under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the “_____________.07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestlé’s makes the very best . . . . . _______________.08. Satchmo was America’s Ambassador of Goodwill. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His first last name was ________ _________.09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, Good Night, and ________ ________.11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ _______________.13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, the day the music died.” This was a tribute to ___________________.14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ______________.15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________-________.
ANSWERS:01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.02. The Ed Sullivan Show03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight06. The limbo07. Chocolate08 Louis Armstrong09. The Timex watch10. Freddy, the Freeloader and Good Night and God Bless.11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)12. Beetle or Bug13. Buddy Holly14. Sputnik15. Hoola-hoopSend this to your old friends, better known as seniors. It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes
The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife"! [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife"! [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
Bed farts [2008-01-25]
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE ANDTHE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTSSOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.HE SAID, HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.WHAT DO YOU MEAN? ASKED HIS WIFE.WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.
Why did the chicken cross the road? (Comedy Stop)) [2008-01-22]
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stpd he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... ANDERSON COOPER- CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@^(C% ........ reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE : I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one? CHENEY : Where's my gun? AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
A year in the life of a blonde...(joke) [2008-01-21]
A year in the Life of a Blonde
January -- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February ---- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!! March -- Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said 2-4 years! April -- Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!! May -- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June -- Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July -- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August -- Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September -- The capital of :State of California is C.....isn't it??? October -- Hate M M's.....they are so hard to peel. November -- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December -- Couldn't call 911...duh.....there's no eleven Button on the phone!!!
Blonde Joke!! [2008-01-19]
I thought you might find this funny...
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is click here!
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
You've gotta see this! [2008-01-19]
Mind Blowing Engineering - read story firstDon't forget to turn your sound on and read the screen below before opening the video attachment.See how all of the balls wind up in catcher cones. This incredible machine was built as a collaborative effort between The Robert M. Trammell Music Conservatory and the Sharon Wick School of Engineering at the University of Iowa.Amazingly, 97% of the machines components came from John Deere Industries and Irrigation Equipment of Bancroft, Iowa. Right first time - Farm Equipment!It took the team a combined 13,029 hours of set-up, alignment, calibration,and tuning before filming this video but as you can see it was well worth the effort.It is now on display in the Matthew Gerhard Alumni Hall at the University and is already slated to be donated to the Smithsonian.
Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WF6t-721uVk
Tree Hugger [2008-01-17]
A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland, near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood: in her crotch.In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away, in Duncan. She told him she was an environmentalist andanti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, What took you so long?
He smiled and said, Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada, the BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turnedme down.
!! OH CANADA !!
Festive Fruitcake Recipe [2007-12-28]
Merry Christmas to all and to all a nood gight, I mean good night *hic*Festive Fruitcake Recipe1 cup water1 cup sugar4 large eggs2 cups dried fruit1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts1 gallon whiskey[Note: Rum may be substituted for whiskey.]1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.2. Take a large bowl.3. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. 3. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.4. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.5. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.6. Turn off mixer.7. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 8. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.9. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.10. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?11. Check the whiskey.12. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.13. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.14. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.15. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of he window. 16. Check the whiskey again.17 Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
A Blonde Christmas Story [2007-12-27]
Blonde Christmas Story There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!
Another Blonde Joke [2007-12-24]
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GOT UP AND MOVED TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SAT DOWN.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHED HER DO THIS, AND ASKED TO SEE HER TICKET.SHE THEN TOLD THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO RETURN AND SIT IN THE ECONOMY SECTION IN BACK.THE BLONDE REPLIED, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WENT BACK TO THE COCKPIT AND TOLD THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS WHO BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.THE CO-PILOT WENT BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY, SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE FIRST CLASS AND RETURN TO HER PROPER SEAT.THE BLONDE REPLIED, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'THE CO-PILOT RETURNED AND TOLD THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND, TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.THE PILOT SAID, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERED IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAID, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND SHE GOT UP AND WENT BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON.'
Snoopy vs. Red Baron...sm [2007-12-23]
Christmas piece....click,kick back and enjoy. Cat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg5LzGIw6gs
Cab Ride - kinda sad so don't read if you cry easily. [2007-12-23]
A good story...but might make you cry... I hesitated to post this....
CAB RIDE
Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. One night I took a fare at 2:30 am, when I arrived to collect, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers wou ld just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away.
But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.
So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
FONT-FAMILY: Arial> She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated'.
'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'
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'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
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For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'
We drove in silence to the address she had given me.It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
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'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered. 'There are other passengers,' I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
FONT-FAMILY: Arial> FONT-FAMILY: Arial>
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn FONT-FAMILY: Arial>
On a quick review, I don COLOR: #330000; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia>We COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia> But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia> BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
You won FONT-FAMILY: Arial> But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate by sending it on.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
Blonde Joke! [2007-12-22]
Ablonde was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.She rushed her cat, along with the tail overto WALMART!
Why WALMART???
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
Christmas with Louis (Hilarious) [2007-12-21]
Wildest Christmas Dinner This is an articlesubmitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to findout who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over hisfireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true becauseevery Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses andwent in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?You're kidding me! Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of theprice scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came tolife. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his houseand left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dogconfused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and barksome more. We all agreed that Lou ise should remain in her panty hose so therest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditionalChristmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door 'What the h**l is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!
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