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ASR - The patient lives in a condom with wife [2008-02-14]
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The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife"! [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife"! [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" [2007-10-30]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kidsmyself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my ownsecond-grade classroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a fewsessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness andusually,show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, modelairplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever,ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want tolugit in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoingkid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with apillow stuffed under her sweater.She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my babybrother,and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate forninemonths through an umbrella cord.She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm tryingnotto laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids arewatching her in amazement.Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
She walkedaround the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now
this kid is doinga hysterical duck walk and groaning.My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn'thave a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to liedown in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back againstthewall.And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there incasehe got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,
likepsshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little handsmimingwater flowing away. It was too much!Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,allof a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff thatthey all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lotoftoys inside there.Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to herseat.I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it'sshow-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case anotherMiddleWife comes along.Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass thisalong to someone else to spread the laughs.
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" [2007-10-30]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kidsmyself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my ownsecond-grade classroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a fewsessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness andusually,show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, modelairplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever,ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want tolugit in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoingkid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with apillow stuffed under her sweater.She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my babybrother,and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate forninemonths through an umbrella cord.She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm tryingnotto laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids arewatching her in amazement.Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
She walkedaround the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now
this kid is doinga hysterical duck walk and groaning.My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn'thave a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to liedown in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back againstthewall.And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there incasehe got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,
likepsshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little handsmimingwater flowing away. It was too much!Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,allof a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff thatthey all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lotoftoys inside there.Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to herseat.I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it'sshow-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case anotherMiddleWife comes along.Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass thisalong to someone else to spread the laughs.
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
Choosing a wife [2007-10-14]
what a hoot...j
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, then dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much Again, the man is impressed.The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with either of them. If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!
A helpful wife [2007-07-19]
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.Man (yelling loudly): Shut your mouth, woman!!!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Wife's New Career [2006-09-26]
Husband comes home to find wifesitting on front step with bags packed. Where are you going? he asks in astonishment. I'm leaving you, she answers. I've found out that in Las Vegas, a woman can make $400 a night for what I've been giving you for free. The husband goes in the house, packs his bags and comes out to the front steps. Where are YOU going? she asks. I'm going with you, he says. I want to see how you are going to survive on $800 a year...
If cars ran like computers [2008-12-03]
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computerindustry has, we wouldall be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to thegallon.' In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued apress releasestating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would allbe driving carswith the following characteristics:1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crashtwice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, youwould have to buy anew car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for noreason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of thewindows, shut off thecar, restart it, and reopen the windows before you couldcontinue. For somereason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause yourcar to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case youwould have toreinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,was reliable,five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but wouldrun on only fivepercent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warninglights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An IllegalOperation' warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?'before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car wouldlock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted thedoor handle, turnedthe key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers wouldhave to learn how todrive all over again because none of the controls wouldoperate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button toturn the engine offPS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, youcould call 'customerservice' and be instructed in some foreign language howto fix your caryourself!!!!
New treatment [2008-11-26]
I just heard the following: Dr. G____ saw the patient this morning and, after adequate bowel preparation, underwent colonoscopy and endoscopy.
I have undergone one of the above procedures and I sure wish my doctor could have learned what he needed by have the camera inserted into HIS body instead of mine!
Turkey Surgery (FUNNY!) [2008-11-21]
TURKEY SURGERY
I was having trouble getting to sleep after a long day of transcribing. Planning for the coming holiday season wasn't helping me relax, but finally I drifted off. I began to dream, and in my dream I was in my kitchen. The favorite Christmas carol of all transcriptionists, Do You Hear What I Hear? was playing on the kitchen radio. I began to prepare our Christmas Dinner.
NAME OF OPERATION: Roasting turkey.
SURGEON: Dr. Chief Cook.
ASSSISTANT: Dr. Bottle Washer.
ANESTHESIA: None.
FLUIDS: Gravy.
INDICATIONS FOR SURGERY: The turkey had been pronounced dead previous to the procedure, and presented with a body temperature of approximately 10 degrees Fahrenheit. It was placed supine in the hypothermic holding chamber and gradual warming procedures were instituted for 24 hours previous to surgery. Body temperature was approximately 40 degrees at the time the procedure began.
FINDINGS AND TECHNIQUE: Incisions were already present, and most viscera were surgically absent. The patient had a medical history of decapitation and bilateral pedal amputation. Alopecia was complete, with the exception of a few stray feathers, which were removed. The heart, liver, and gizzard were present in the peritoneal cavity, along with the cervical portion of the patient's spine. These were removed by the surgeon and put to simmer on the back table, to be prepared appropriately for presentation at the completion of the procedure.
The peritoneal cavity was thoroughly lavaged and excess adipose tissue was removed. The distal portions of the bilateral upper appendages were tucked neatly behind the acromioclavicular joints. A specially prepared mixture of cornbread, mushrooms, and sausage, with appropriate spices, was packed loosely into the peritoneal cavity. Additional portions of the mixture were inserted subcutaneously and superficial to the pectoral muscles.
The peritoneal opening was closed in one layer, utilizing skewers and kitchen string. All fork, knife, and spice counts were correct x2. A thermometer was inserted in the appropriate location to ensure correct body temperature at the conclusion of the procedure. The turkey was placed in the Kenmore hyperthermic unit. It was roasted at 325 degrees, at the rate of 30 minutes per pound of body weight prior to surgery, with intermittent applications of broth and melted butter.
After the internal temperature had reached 180 degrees, the turkey was removed from the hyperthermic chamber, and the sutures were removed. The patient was placed supine on a platter and taken to the dining area, where it was found to be in excellent condition by all present.
funny medical advice. [2008-11-20]
My oncology doctor dictated...Patient stated she would rather die than undergo radiation treatments again. I told patient this would be against my medical advice. Not really funny but gave me a little chuckle when I type it.
naughty (a little bit) [2008-11-18]
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'
Out of Office Email Replies [2008-11-05]
Best Out of Office Automatic e-mail Replies:1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if Ifail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out ofthe office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anythingat all.3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having mybrain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged$5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-DUH-viduals did this over and over.)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuingsystem. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive areply in approximately 19 weeks.8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.9. I've run away to join a different circus.10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Bill.
Sounded good at the time! [2008-10-22]
MT typed: The patient came intoclinic with complaint of pain after tending sheep.
Doc dictated: Patient came into clinic complaining of pain in tendon sheath.
When doctor asked MT why they typed that - reply: Thought he was a shepherd.
What did he say? Dictation - eh? [2008-10-16]
The patient has not had any perforator studies yet, but this will be done once this is healed, unless this does not heal. We will get them done before that.
I had a funny dictation [2008-10-15]
I was going to post this the other day but got to busy with work. My doc actually said....
The patient has extreme pain with moving his shoulders above his head
All I could think of was, yup, that would cause me extreme pain too.
transcription funny... [2008-09-22]
Unfortunately I am guilty of this one, after a very long day of transcription Dr. Dictated, patient has a tiny fissure Me and my tired little fingers typed (and thank heavens caught before hitting send) patient has a HINEY fissure.
I'm just glad that I actually caught this boo boo before it went out. LOL
Funny for the day... [2008-09-17]
A man goes to his doctor and says, I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What do I do? The doctor replies, When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. Keep moving closer until she hears you and then let me know how close you get.
The man does just that. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, What's for dinner, honey? No response, so he moves to ten feet and repeats his question. Still no response, so he moves to five feet with still no answer. Finally, he stands right behind her and says, Honey, what's for dinner? She replies, For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!
funny stuff [2008-08-22]
The patient has dementia and is unable to, to, to, to, to provide any significant and coherent history.
Best of Craigslist: To the Minotaur ... [2008-08-11]
To the Minotaur that lives above me.
Funny MD names [2008-07-23]
I have had a Dr. Later...The patient is to follow up with Dr. Later later on today
Shining Career As A Medical Assistant [2008-06-16]
Without being a medical expert, if you want to build up your career in the medical field you have that opportunity to sign up as a medical assistant. Your responsibility practice as a medical assistant is no less rewarding or urgent than doctor or medical expert. This article will provide you with enough information on medical assistance.
Many people want to shine their career in the medical field. Their idea of helping the ill people is really appreciating. There are several career paths to pursue their mission in the medical field. So the career their career as a medical assistant will be the right choice for them. In the mean time of their occupation they will bag up the experiences which is no less reward for their lifetime.
Practically, all the medical offices whether it is for a high profile plastic surgeon, or a medical clinic in a small town, employs medical assistant. They are considered to be the backbone of the medical practice through their hard work a medical centre can run smoothly. The medical assistant assists in many areas including helping behind the front desk, taking on tasks related directly to patient care and then following up with laboratories and image and diagnostic centres.There are different types of medical assistant who are specialised in their particular fields. Even side by side working with a medical practitioner’s office, they try to work in different environments to behabituated there at ease. This may be in the office of an ophthalmologist, a podiatrist, a gynecologist and even in a laboratory.
Though the responsibility of a medical assistant varies slightly according to the fields where they are working but their common motto is following the same destination, that is to help the doctors or other medical practitioners.Naturally, there are lot of skills are expected from a medical assistant. He should have an aptitude to work in a computer; behind the desk he has to manage the schedule of appointments, billing, calling etc.Apparently, the job of a medical assistant may seem to you easiest one; it’s not at all. Without the help of a medical assistant an office will be smashed down.Many medical assistant prefers to work in the office where they can enjoy the opportunity to interact with the patient. Although, a medical assistant is not allowed to examine a patient. But they are trained to watch the vital sign of disease on patients. Even they are trained for injection drawing blood. It can be incredibly rewarding for the assistant to experience a few moments with each patient as they arrive at the office, asking about their medical issue as well as archiving a brief medical history. For this reason it’s very necessary that the assistant has an empathetic friendly nature.
With Best Regards
Linda
Good one! [2008-05-29]
ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS HOSPITAL CHARTS 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Pillsbury Doughboy joke [2008-05-23]
Sad News
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift
Polish Woman Are Tough [2008-05-14]
An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favoritepierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and liftedhimself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love fromhis wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?He threw himself towards the table, landing on hisknees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth.With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.Back off! she said. Those are for the funeral.
Very funny dictations. [2008-04-18]
I has to post these. These are hysterical. I found them on Kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.html
OKAY, NOW ON TO THE BLOOPERS!! ______________________________________First of all, here is my favorite -- a classic example of the pot calling the kettle black!!!He mumbles with lips that barely move and in fact is mostly unintelligible as to his intention with his words.______________________________________The next patient's name is Doe, John.... I'm not sure which is the first name and which is the last name, although I would imagine Doe would be the last name, unless it's John.______________________________________This is an 8-year-old child accompanied by her mother, who appears playful and interactive.______________________________________This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.______________________________________The patient's gait is normal. I am able to stand on her toes.______________________________________The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant.______________________________________The patient was cleaned copiously and steri-stripped. She was then dressed and discharged. ______________________________________This 50-year-old teacher is undergoing polysomnogram because of daytime sleepiness and difficulty staying asleep while teaching.______________________________________....painful cramps prior to her menses secondary to her period.______________________________________The other foot has the missing toes.______________________________________(Dictated on a patient with schizophrenia) The patients are alert and oriented.______________________________________He is an occasional smoker, smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day for the past 19 years.______________________________________
S: Patient comes in for ear pain. She is pain free.O: TMs and canals are normal.A: Normal knee exam.P: Reassurance.
______________________________________Blood loss from the procedure was less than 10 gallons.______________________________________First name Victor, spelled V as in Victor....______________________________________Preoperative diagnosis: Unexplained abdominal pain in the knee.______________________________________She is sexually active with one muscle.______________________________________GENITORECTAL: Surgically fused ankles bilaterally.______________________________________He denies falling asleep while driving during meals.______________________________________Patient has been married for 30 years, living at home with husband, and in the past has had dogs, cats, and children as pets.______________________________________The patient states that diarrhea tends to run in his family.______________________________________He is married with two spouses, ages 12 and 9.______________________________________Pelvic and Pap smear were done in my office in her vaginal area.______________________________________Also, on his right hand he has a left thumb dislocation.______________________________________She had difficulty completing simple calculations. For example, when I asked her what 3 times 3 plus 1 equals, she said 'ten'.______________________________________This 42-year-old woman who was discharged after four days of admission, four days after a four-day admission, was discharged and now returns.______________________________________Check out the whole list and more at http://kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.htm
Love in a Mental Hospital [2008-04-09]
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped Into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tel l Edna the news she said, Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead. Edna replied, He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. ? How soon can I go home?
Love in a Mental Hospital [2008-04-09]
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped Into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tel l Edna the news she said, Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead. Edna replied, He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. ? How soon can I go home?
Kinda funny, in a macabre sort of way - [2008-03-25]
The patient is 85 years old. Under Social History he still works. He is a funeral director.
You've heard of those who can't do, teach? Looks like those who can't die, bury!
O nly the Irish have Jokes Like These ! [2008-03-17]
Only theIrishhave JokesLikeTheseInto a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he'd just been run over by a train.His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limpWhat happened to you? asks Sean, the bartender.Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight, says Paddy.That little sh , O'Conner, says Sean,He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand.That he did, says Paddy, a shovel is what he had,and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.Well, says Sean, you should have defended yourself,didn't you have something in your hand?That I did, said Paddy.Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing ofbeauty it was, but useless in a fight.*************************************** ***************************************************** **************An Irishman who had a little too much to drinkis driving home from the city one night and,of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road..Acop pulls him over.So, says the cop to the driver,where have ya been?Why, I've been to the pub of course,slurs the drunk.Well, says the cop, it looks like you've had quitea few to drink this evening..I did all right, the drunk says with a smile.Did you know, says the cop, standing straight andfolding his arms across his chest,that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk.For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.***********************************************************************************************************Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.Brenda, may I come in? he asks.I've somethin' to tell ya..Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.But where's my husband?That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...Oh, God no! cries Brenda. Please don't tell me. Imust, Brenda. Your husband Shamusis dead and gone. I'm sorry.Finally, she looked up at Tim.How did it happen, Tim?It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vatOf Guinness Stout and drowned.
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth.Did he at least go quickly?Well, Brenda... no. In fact,he got out three times to pee.************************************************************************************************************Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady afterhis Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.He says, So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?She says, Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away last night.The priest says, Oh, Mary, that's terrible.Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?She says, That he did, Father.The priest says, What did he ask, Mary? She says, He said,'Please Mary, put down that d gun...'*********************************************************************************************************ANDTHEBESTFORLASTAdrunk staggers into a Catholic Church,enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.ThePriest coughs a few times to get hisattention but the drunk continues to sit there.Finally,the Priest pounds three times on the wall.The drunk mumbles, ain't no use knockin,there's no paper on this side either!
Best Friend Identification! (Comedy) [2008-03-17]
BEST FRIEND IDENTIFICATION
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Thought you would have fun with this! [2008-03-10]
This was interesting. Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are True descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real Deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets Worse from there.Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.AQUARIUS- The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.PISCES- The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative.May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.ARIES- The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of badLuck if you do not forwardGEMINI- The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.CANCER- The Protector (June 21 - July 22)Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LEO- The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.VIRGO- The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to.Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LIBRA- The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SCORPIO- The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SAGITTARIUS- The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14 years of bad luck if you do not forwardSend away!!~ Ready . set............ GO!1-3 people= 1 minute of luck4-7 people= 1 hour of luck8-12 people = 1 day of luck13-17 People = 1 week of luck18-22 people = 1 month of luck23-27 people = 3 Months of luck28-32 people = 7 months of luck33-37 people = 1 year of luck
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