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Turkey Surgery (FUNNY!) [2008-11-21]
TURKEY SURGERY
I was having trouble getting to sleep after a long day of transcribing. Planning for the coming holiday season wasn't helping me relax, but finally I drifted off. I began to dream, and in my dream I was in my kitchen. The favorite Christmas carol of all transcriptionists, Do You Hear What I Hear? was playing on the kitchen radio. I began to prepare our Christmas Dinner.
NAME OF OPERATION: Roasting turkey.
SURGEON: Dr. Chief Cook.
ASSSISTANT: Dr. Bottle Washer.
ANESTHESIA: None.
FLUIDS: Gravy.
INDICATIONS FOR SURGERY: The turkey had been pronounced dead previous to the procedure, and presented with a body temperature of approximately 10 degrees Fahrenheit. It was placed supine in the hypothermic holding chamber and gradual warming procedures were instituted for 24 hours previous to surgery. Body temperature was approximately 40 degrees at the time the procedure began.
FINDINGS AND TECHNIQUE: Incisions were already present, and most viscera were surgically absent. The patient had a medical history of decapitation and bilateral pedal amputation. Alopecia was complete, with the exception of a few stray feathers, which were removed. The heart, liver, and gizzard were present in the peritoneal cavity, along with the cervical portion of the patient's spine. These were removed by the surgeon and put to simmer on the back table, to be prepared appropriately for presentation at the completion of the procedure.
The peritoneal cavity was thoroughly lavaged and excess adipose tissue was removed. The distal portions of the bilateral upper appendages were tucked neatly behind the acromioclavicular joints. A specially prepared mixture of cornbread, mushrooms, and sausage, with appropriate spices, was packed loosely into the peritoneal cavity. Additional portions of the mixture were inserted subcutaneously and superficial to the pectoral muscles.
The peritoneal opening was closed in one layer, utilizing skewers and kitchen string. All fork, knife, and spice counts were correct x2. A thermometer was inserted in the appropriate location to ensure correct body temperature at the conclusion of the procedure. The turkey was placed in the Kenmore hyperthermic unit. It was roasted at 325 degrees, at the rate of 30 minutes per pound of body weight prior to surgery, with intermittent applications of broth and melted butter.
After the internal temperature had reached 180 degrees, the turkey was removed from the hyperthermic chamber, and the sutures were removed. The patient was placed supine on a platter and taken to the dining area, where it was found to be in excellent condition by all present.
funny medical advice. [2008-11-20]
My oncology doctor dictated...Patient stated she would rather die than undergo radiation treatments again. I told patient this would be against my medical advice. Not really funny but gave me a little chuckle when I type it.
Hen Party, so BAD but so funny. nm [2008-11-14]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nP-XRg6jGTI
Here's a Monday funny for you [2008-11-10]
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no answer came to his repeated at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote Revelation 3:20 on the back of and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10. Reaching for his Bible to check out the verse, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins Behold, I stand at the door and knock Genesis 3:10 reads, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.
YOU are the only one who thinks thats funny [2008-11-10]
you and people who think like you.
right now 'my friend' Obama is ON the steps of the Whitehouse about to SCHOOL his predcessor on what its REALLY like to lead a great nation.
Little people enjoy little jokes like this...
the rest of us pray and hope you grow up.
I had a funny dictation [2008-10-15]
I was going to post this the other day but got to busy with work. My doc actually said....
The patient has extreme pain with moving his shoulders above his head
All I could think of was, yup, that would cause me extreme pain too.
transcription funny... [2008-09-22]
Unfortunately I am guilty of this one, after a very long day of transcription Dr. Dictated, patient has a tiny fissure Me and my tired little fingers typed (and thank heavens caught before hitting send) patient has a HINEY fissure.
I'm just glad that I actually caught this boo boo before it went out. LOL
Funny for the day... [2008-09-17]
A man goes to his doctor and says, I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What do I do? The doctor replies, When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. Keep moving closer until she hears you and then let me know how close you get.
The man does just that. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, What's for dinner, honey? No response, so he moves to ten feet and repeats his question. Still no response, so he moves to five feet with still no answer. Finally, he stands right behind her and says, Honey, what's for dinner? She replies, For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!
funny stuff [2008-08-22]
The patient has dementia and is unable to, to, to, to, to provide any significant and coherent history.
That was too funny! thanks nm [2008-08-22]
x
so funny. sm. [2008-08-11]
I almost hate when people as me what I do. Just telling them they think they can do it. They want all the information on how to get started. Well here I am 8 years later from getting started and just now getting my first at home job so guess what, its not just gonna fall in your lap.
It drives me nuts when people think MT is just like an envelope stuffing job you can do at home.
Funny MD names [2008-07-23]
I have had a Dr. Later...The patient is to follow up with Dr. Later later on today
Good Friday funny! [2008-07-18]
Five surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. The second responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.The third surgeon says, No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order. The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer and costs more than you said it would. But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
OMG!!!!!!!!! TOO funny. TY for the laugh, I needed one. [2008-07-18]
nm.
ASR Funny Doctors names [2008-05-07]
I find it quite humerous when ASR tries to translate the dictating physicians names. Two that crack me up are Dr. Mumbles and Dr. Large Prostate.
Too funny [2008-04-30]
That is the most I have laughed in days!!!
very funny [2008-04-25]
Oh I just loved these. Thanks, I needed a good laugh.
Very Funny!!!! Thanx! [2008-04-23]
ROFLMAO!!!
Just typed this - too funny [2008-04-22]
Here's what a doc just dictated.....
He is having difficulty keeping his head and he notes his dad had the same problem when he died.
Very funny dictation. [2008-04-21]
Thanks for posting. I really enjoyed them!
Very funny dictations. [2008-04-18]
I has to post these. These are hysterical. I found them on Kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.html
OKAY, NOW ON TO THE BLOOPERS!! ______________________________________First of all, here is my favorite -- a classic example of the pot calling the kettle black!!!He mumbles with lips that barely move and in fact is mostly unintelligible as to his intention with his words.______________________________________The next patient's name is Doe, John.... I'm not sure which is the first name and which is the last name, although I would imagine Doe would be the last name, unless it's John.______________________________________This is an 8-year-old child accompanied by her mother, who appears playful and interactive.______________________________________This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.______________________________________The patient's gait is normal. I am able to stand on her toes.______________________________________The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant.______________________________________The patient was cleaned copiously and steri-stripped. She was then dressed and discharged. ______________________________________This 50-year-old teacher is undergoing polysomnogram because of daytime sleepiness and difficulty staying asleep while teaching.______________________________________....painful cramps prior to her menses secondary to her period.______________________________________The other foot has the missing toes.______________________________________(Dictated on a patient with schizophrenia) The patients are alert and oriented.______________________________________He is an occasional smoker, smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day for the past 19 years.______________________________________
S: Patient comes in for ear pain. She is pain free.O: TMs and canals are normal.A: Normal knee exam.P: Reassurance.
______________________________________Blood loss from the procedure was less than 10 gallons.______________________________________First name Victor, spelled V as in Victor....______________________________________Preoperative diagnosis: Unexplained abdominal pain in the knee.______________________________________She is sexually active with one muscle.______________________________________GENITORECTAL: Surgically fused ankles bilaterally.______________________________________He denies falling asleep while driving during meals.______________________________________Patient has been married for 30 years, living at home with husband, and in the past has had dogs, cats, and children as pets.______________________________________The patient states that diarrhea tends to run in his family.______________________________________He is married with two spouses, ages 12 and 9.______________________________________Pelvic and Pap smear were done in my office in her vaginal area.______________________________________Also, on his right hand he has a left thumb dislocation.______________________________________She had difficulty completing simple calculations. For example, when I asked her what 3 times 3 plus 1 equals, she said 'ten'.______________________________________This 42-year-old woman who was discharged after four days of admission, four days after a four-day admission, was discharged and now returns.______________________________________Check out the whole list and more at http://kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.htm
Kinda funny, in a macabre sort of way - [2008-03-25]
The patient is 85 years old. Under Social History he still works. He is a funeral director.
You've heard of those who can't do, teach? Looks like those who can't die, bury!
The "B" Fairy! (May be offensive, but it's funny!) [2008-03-04]
http://www.jibjab.com/view/103941 Click View It.
This is funny! sm [2008-03-04]
A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and down carefully.
Miss Jones, he said, it seems quite obvious that until today you have never had an eye exam.
Here's a Funny from FunFenFan... [2008-02-19]
Here's a funny one for you....
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands raised. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said; I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cursing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally..... I assumed you had stolen the car.
funny medical advice. [2008-11-20]
My oncology doctor dictated...Patient stated she would rather die than undergo radiation treatments again. I told patient this would be against my medical advice. Not really funny but gave me a little chuckle when I type it.
this is awful. proves the moderator doesn't even know where to draw the line [2008-11-17]
unreal. VERY poor taste. and not even close to funny
Stress buster [2008-10-22]
I have to share this great stress buster with this animation www.funny-city.com/1725/ You can smack around the dummy as hard as you want. It gave me enough of an outlet to carry on with this ESL who can't communicate. I have no idea what he is trying to say as none of the sentences make any sense.
The history of liberals and conservatives [2008-10-15]
I posted this on the politics board too - It's half political/half humor.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals 2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jack@ss.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most are social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain.
Have a great day!
Grandma still drives !! [2008-08-27]
GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!
Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her owncar. She writes:Dear Grand-daughter,The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honkif you love Jesus' bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughtabout the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light hadchanged.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,I'd never have noticed.I found that lots of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, andthen he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!''Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all thoseloving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard himyelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuckup in the air.I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment thatthey got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is whenI noticed the light had changed.So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove onthrough the intersection.I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leavethem after all the love we had shared.So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,Love, Grandma
UPS pilot gripes, mechanic humor [2008-08-12]
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.....
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPSpilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an S). By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. * P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. * P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit * P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. * P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. * P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. * P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. * P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. * P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. * P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search * P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. * P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. * P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. * And the best one for last * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
Sick Leave... [2008-06-25]
Sick LeaveI urgently needed a few days off work,But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'Then he would tell me to take a few days off.So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,'What in the name of good GOD are you doing? 'I told him I was a light bulb.He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'I jumped down and walked out of the office...When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,'. ..And where do you think you're going?!'(You're gonna love this....)
She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
.
Shining Career As A Medical Assistant [2008-06-16]
Without being a medical expert, if you want to build up your career in the medical field you have that opportunity to sign up as a medical assistant. Your responsibility practice as a medical assistant is no less rewarding or urgent than doctor or medical expert. This article will provide you with enough information on medical assistance.
Many people want to shine their career in the medical field. Their idea of helping the ill people is really appreciating. There are several career paths to pursue their mission in the medical field. So the career their career as a medical assistant will be the right choice for them. In the mean time of their occupation they will bag up the experiences which is no less reward for their lifetime.
Practically, all the medical offices whether it is for a high profile plastic surgeon, or a medical clinic in a small town, employs medical assistant. They are considered to be the backbone of the medical practice through their hard work a medical centre can run smoothly. The medical assistant assists in many areas including helping behind the front desk, taking on tasks related directly to patient care and then following up with laboratories and image and diagnostic centres.There are different types of medical assistant who are specialised in their particular fields. Even side by side working with a medical practitioner’s office, they try to work in different environments to behabituated there at ease. This may be in the office of an ophthalmologist, a podiatrist, a gynecologist and even in a laboratory.
Though the responsibility of a medical assistant varies slightly according to the fields where they are working but their common motto is following the same destination, that is to help the doctors or other medical practitioners.Naturally, there are lot of skills are expected from a medical assistant. He should have an aptitude to work in a computer; behind the desk he has to manage the schedule of appointments, billing, calling etc.Apparently, the job of a medical assistant may seem to you easiest one; it’s not at all. Without the help of a medical assistant an office will be smashed down.Many medical assistant prefers to work in the office where they can enjoy the opportunity to interact with the patient. Although, a medical assistant is not allowed to examine a patient. But they are trained to watch the vital sign of disease on patients. Even they are trained for injection drawing blood. It can be incredibly rewarding for the assistant to experience a few moments with each patient as they arrive at the office, asking about their medical issue as well as archiving a brief medical history. For this reason it’s very necessary that the assistant has an empathetic friendly nature.
With Best Regards
Linda
PT Sentences [2008-05-30]
Ginny..that is just wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too funny! Thanks for brightening my morning already!
ASR Funny Doctors names [2008-05-07]
I find it quite humerous when ASR tries to translate the dictating physicians names. Two that crack me up are Dr. Mumbles and Dr. Large Prostate.
Good Ol' Red [2008-04-30]
I love Red...I remember every Tuesday night we would get in front of the TV to watch him...I loved the Mean Wittle Kid and Freddy the Freeloader....those were good clean and really funny jokes he told...I miss him!
ROLF [2008-03-19]
That is too too too funny!
Master Card Wedding! [2008-03-17]
This may not be a true story. I'm not sure! But it's funny!
Thought you would have fun with this! [2008-03-10]
This was interesting. Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are True descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real Deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets Worse from there.Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.AQUARIUS- The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.PISCES- The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative.May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.ARIES- The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of badLuck if you do not forwardGEMINI- The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.CANCER- The Protector (June 21 - July 22)Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LEO- The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.VIRGO- The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to.Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LIBRA- The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SCORPIO- The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SAGITTARIUS- The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14 years of bad luck if you do not forwardSend away!!~ Ready . set............ GO!1-3 people= 1 minute of luck4-7 people= 1 hour of luck8-12 people = 1 day of luck13-17 People = 1 week of luck18-22 people = 1 month of luck23-27 people = 3 Months of luck28-32 people = 7 months of luck33-37 people = 1 year of luck
A TEST FOR OLD KIDS! [2008-03-05]
A TEST FOR OLD KIDS:I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us “old kids! (The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.)01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer, “I don't know, but he left this behind.” What did he leave behind? ________________.02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.03 Get your kicks, __________________.04. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we danced under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the “_____________.07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestlé’s makes the very best . . . . . _______________.08. Satchmo was America’s Ambassador of Goodwill. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His first last name was ________ _________.09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, Good Night, and ________ ________.11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ _______________.13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, the day the music died.” This was a tribute to ___________________.14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ______________.15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________-________.
ANSWERS:01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.02. The Ed Sullivan Show03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight06. The limbo07. Chocolate08 Louis Armstrong09. The Timex watch10. Freddy, the Freeloader and Good Night and God Bless.11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)12. Beetle or Bug13. Buddy Holly14. Sputnik15. Hoola-hoopSend this to your old friends, better known as seniors. It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes
Wouldn't it be great....(political....a great idea) [2008-02-20]
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the or der for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved d uring the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France . In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the e arth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China . I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon ne chance, me z a mies. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops i n the world. I love New York A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try notmaking usmad for a change. Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I ans wer them by saying, 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America . Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.
These were adorable [2008-02-20]
I am passing them on to my daughter. She is a 3rd and 4th grade teacher, and she is always telling me the funny things the kids say. She will truly enjoy this humor.
Here's a Funny from FunFenFan... [2008-02-19]
Here's a funny one for you....
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands raised. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said; I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cursing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally..... I assumed you had stolen the car.
accident in Texas...sm [2008-02-08]
ACCIDENT IN Texas : YOU HAVE TO LISTEN! catThis is so funny and his laugh is contagious! Close your eyes and just picture what he is watching...it's even better than a video clip!!!You've got to listen to this! It's a phone call from a man inTexas who witnessed a car accident involving 4 elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their site.Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf
Cats taking pills [2008-02-08]
I don't have a cat but I many years ago I worked with a vet, this can be very true and is very funny.
Idi__ Sightings! (Comedy Stop, of course!) [2008-02-01]
TOO FUNNY!!!(Had to remove the bad word - last two letters o..t! I hope this does not offend anyone. It's all done in fun. Let me know if it does and I won't post something like this again. Of course, the moderator might let me know first!!! Have a great day and try to stay warm!)IDI__ SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us thatone of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on theopener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Searsmade at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, youneed a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..We haven't used Sears repair since.IDI__ SIGHTINGMy daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gavethe clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, you gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this wayyou can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get themanager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me backthe quarter, and said I owed $4.25 and he was sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDI__ SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSINGsign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars outhere! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossinganymore.From Kingman , KSIDI__SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked theperson behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce.From Kansas CityIDI__ SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employeeasked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Towhich I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Hesmiled knowingly and nodded,That's why we ask.Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDI__ SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Iwas crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She askedif I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind peoplewhen the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blindpeople doing driving?!She was a probation officer in Wichita , KSIDI__ SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving thecompany due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, This isfun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We alljust looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDI__ SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself andfor the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDI__ SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driversside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried thedoor handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to thetechnician, its open! His reply, I know. I already got that side.This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE , THEY DRIVE andthey REPRODUCE
Angels explained by children! (Comedy) [2008-02-01]
Angels Explained by ChildrenI only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.--Gregory, 5Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. --Olive, 9It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go toheaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. Andthen you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. --Matthew, 9Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.--Mitchell, 7My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good forscience.--Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows.--Jack, 6Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.--Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.--Reagan, 10Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. --Sara, 6Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.--Jared, 8All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.--Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. --Katelynn, 9Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. --Vicki, 8What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.--Sarah, 7
Where else can I share these with you! sm [2008-02-01]
Okay, it's light-hearted! Something different. How about those frozen waves in Antartica? How about that floating Gazebo? Not funny. Just something amazing and different.
I usually put Comedy Stop, Joke or something similar because it posts on the main board too. This way someone can immediately skip it if they are hard at work and do not have time to read it. If I put video, then someone will know that it is going to take time to view and maybe they don't have the time.
AN APOLOGY TO EVERYONE! The pics came from email and did not follow over here. [2008-01-24]
I won't post those again. They were just so funny and I wanted to share.
I really did go out and came back in to Comedy Stop and I could see the pics. (maybe I'm beginning to see things that I want to see!) I thought they were posting.
Anyway, if there are any that you want me to send to you by email, put the name of the ones you want and I will email them to you. Also, be sure to include your email address.I've tried to send emails for requests from this site and I get a mail demon.
Have a great day!
Blonde Joke!! [2008-01-19]
I thought you might find this funny...
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is click here!
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
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