Add "http" to the above web address (at the beginning) nm

Add "http" to the above web address (at the beginning) nm [2008-01-22]
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The history of liberals and conservatives [2008-10-15]
I posted this on the politics board too - It's half political/half humor. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were: 1. The invention of beer, and 2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man. These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jack@ss. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most are social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history....... It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain. Have a great day!

You got that right! [2008-08-13]
They have no idea, even when you have worked in the field for 15 years, one day you are doing an ESL and you get a new word to add to your knowledge base . . . Essofogus. That would need to go through your memory bank for all the medical words you know beginning with Eso . . . OH! Esophagus. Only experience gives you that magic. Or in QA when the MT notes a blank under labs, Sounds like three pastas in the urine. You have to come up with 3+. Don't you wish we had a Sounds Like dictionary? I think my next venture is to write that sounds like dictionary. haha.

HaHa! [2008-02-14]
I was already smiling in the beginning of it, but when I read the punch line I cracked up! Thanks for making my morning!

20 ways to maintain a healthy level of [2008-02-13]
20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It In. 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Smuggling Diamonds7. Finish All Your sentences with In Accordance With The Prophecy. 8 Do NOT use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is To Go. 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream I Won!, I Won! 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!! 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go. 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called .... therapy

I swear those pictures were on there when I last looked! Sorry! [2008-01-24]
Glad to email them to you. If you request them, please tell me you want grandparents and send your regular email address. I've tried some that come from here but won't let me return email.

AN APOLOGY TO EVERYONE! The pics came from email and did not follow over here. [2008-01-24]
I won't post those again. They were just so funny and I wanted to share. I really did go out and came back in to Comedy Stop and I could see the pics. (maybe I'm beginning to see things that I want to see!) I thought they were posting. Anyway, if there are any that you want me to send to you by email, put the name of the ones you want and I will email them to you. Also, be sure to include your email address.I've tried to send emails for requests from this site and I get a mail demon. Have a great day!

A bunch of red Xs [2008-01-23]
All the pictures just have the no pic available placeholder. If you are directly copying and pasting from your emails that would be the problem. The pictures don't stay with the copying, but the HTML and address where they were located does. All the pics are coming from:h*ttp:/*/us.f622.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download/us/ShowLet*ter?. Which I assume is your email account and we cannot access that. Make sense? (the asterices in the HTML are an attempt to let the address show itself rather than running the code on the forum, they can be removed for the true address).

To cd who emailed me! Hi! Read message! [2008-01-22]
Hi! I tried emailing to you twice but it didn't go and I don't know why. The e-mail address that I used was your name at hotmail.com.

Cab Ride - kinda sad so don't read if you cry easily. [2007-12-23]
A good story...but might make you cry... I hesitated to post this.... CAB RIDE Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. One night I took a fare at 2:30 am, when I arrived to collect, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers wou ld just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated'. 'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?' FONT-FAMILY: Arial> 'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'. I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now' We drove in silence to the address she had given me.It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> 'Nothing,' I said 'You have to make a living,' she answered. 'There are other passengers,' I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> FONT-FAMILY: Arial> I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn FONT-FAMILY: Arial> On a quick review, I don COLOR: #330000; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia>We COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia> But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one. PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia> BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL. You won FONT-FAMILY: Arial> But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate by sending it on. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

My Wish for You in 2008! It's different! [2007-12-21]
My Wish for You in 2008 May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words ............ May 2008 be the best year of your life!!!

Questions That Haunt Me???!! [2007-11-26]
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME???? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a (deleted)song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? If the professor onGilligan'sIslandcan make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song, Bah bah Black Sheep,andTwinkle, Twinkle Little Starhave the same tune? Why did you just try singing the songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Do you ever wonder why you gave meyour e-mail address in thefirstPLACE

Medical Exam Funnies! [2007-11-07]
Embarrassing medical exams 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX. 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths, I instructed. Yes, they used to be, replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart. Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week followup appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one? I asked. The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long have you been bedridden? After a look of complete confusion she answered ...Why, not for about twenty years, doctor, when my husband was alive. Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, So how's your breakfast this morning? It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly. Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, Keep off the grass. Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, Sorry, had to mow the lawn. Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY..... The BEST of the bunch.... 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middleaged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? She replied, No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener. Dr. Wouldn't submit his name

Ultimate Female Joke [2007-10-17]
Ultimate Female Joke. It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it. A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off of him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00................on one condition Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her Address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.............. * * * * * Clean my house.

RNC convention agenda [2007-09-30]
Republican National Convention Schedule06:00 pm - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell 06:30 pm - Pledge of Allegiance 06:35 pm - Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment) 06:45 pm - Salute to the Coalition of the Willing 06:46 pm - Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment 07:30 pm - First Presidential Beer Bash for Bush 07:35 pm - Serve Freedom Fries 07:40 pm - EPA Address #1: Mercury: how to ignore the 14 states litigating against the U.S. government 07:50 pm - William Safire on the dangers of non-Protestant religion 08:00 pm - Vote on which country to invade next 08:05 pm - Trent Lott recognizes/salutes the KKK contingent 08:10 pm - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh 08:15 pm - John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children 08:30 pm - Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only) 08:50 pm - Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future 09:00 pm - Condi Rice sings Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man 09:05 pm - Second Presidential Beer Bash for Bush 09:10 pm - EPA Address #2: Trees: the real cause of forest fires 09:15 pm - Roundtable discussion on the best way to bankrupt the federal government. 09:30 pm - Break for secret meetings 09:35 pm - Cheney on why we must invade Canada and find their weapons of mass destruction. 10:00 pm - Second prayer led by Pat Robertson 10:15 pm - Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy 10:30 pm - Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho 10:35 pm - Bush demonstration of his trademark deer in the headlights stare 10:40 pm - John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt 10:45 pm - Clarence Thomas takes a minute to read the list of black republicans 10:46 pm - Third Presidential Beer Bash for Bush 10:50 pm - Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation's economy 11:10 pm - Hillary Clinton Pi�ata 11:20 pm - Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: Evolutionists -- the dangerous new cult 11:30 pm - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again 11:35 pm - Blame Clinton 11:40 pm - Laura serves milk and cookies 11:45 pm - Pass the hat for the Kenny Lay Defense Fund 11:50 pm - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself 12:00 am - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Leader

2008 DNC schedule of events [2007-09-12]
2008 DNC Schedule of Events 7:00 pm~ Opening flag burning. 7:15 pm ~ Pledge of Allegiance to the U. N. 7:20 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 7:25 pm ~ Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. 7:45 pm ~Ceremonial tree hugging. 7:55 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 8:00 pm ~ How I invented the internet. - Al Gore 8:15 pm ~ Gay Wedding Planning. - Barney Frank presiding. 8:35 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 8:40 pm ~ Our troops are War Criminals. - John Kerry 9:00 pm ~ Memorial sere for Saddam and his sons. - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon. 10:00 pm ~ Answering MachineEtiquette. - Alec Baldwin 11:00 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 11:05 pm ~ Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund. - Barbra Streisand 11:15 pm ~ Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay. - Sean Penn 11:30 pm ~ Oval Office Affairs. - William Jefferson Clinton 11:45 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 11:50 pm ~ How George Bush brought down the World Trade Towers. - Howard Dean Rosie O'Donald 12:15 pm ~ Truth in Broadcasting Award - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore 12:25 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 12:35 pm ~Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. 12:45 pm ~ Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi 1:00 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 1:05 am ~ Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton. 1:30 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 1:35 am ~ Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home.

Seriously, this is some funny, funny stuff. Good read on break. sm [2007-09-12]
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY . 1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. 2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR..... 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' HE SAID IF HE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?' 12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM? 16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS THAT TURTLE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? 20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? 24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? 30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'? 31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? 34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Games and other "stuff" [2007-08-24]
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! Thoughts for the weekend: Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? Just remember. if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. But Most Of All, Remember ! A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart! ============ ===== Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out? Who was the first person to say, See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt . If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

science [2007-07-28]
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning.' Oh, is that so? Tell me... replies God. Well, says the scientist, we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.� Well, that's interesting. Show Me. So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil. Oh no, no, no... interrupts God, (I love this) �Get your own dirt.�

remember this at Christmas Time [2007-07-15]
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIMEAccording to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeers grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeers retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Nope :( [2007-06-20]
I even tried right-clicking on the x, copying the URL, and pasting it into my browser address line. It takes me to Bellsouth email.

Tragic Retirment Story [2007-05-05]
Tragic Retirement Story My name is Bill. Let me relate how I handled the situation with mywife, Bonnie. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary forBonnie to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both forextra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortlyafter she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show herage. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time shegets home from work.Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she hasto rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yellat her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when shegets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill atthe club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for somehome-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes assoon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to siton the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can bydiplomatically reminding her several times each evening that theywon't clean themselves .I know she really appreciates this, as it doesseem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.Another symptom of her aging is complaining, I think. For example,she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay themonthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em forbetter or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell herto stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't haveto rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely nowand then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like tothink tact is one of my strong points.When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more restperiods. She has to take a break when she was only half finished mowingthe yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her tofix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade andjust sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself,she may as well make one for me too.I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I supportBonnie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobodyknows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and lesscriticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will considerthat writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on thisearth to help each other.Signed,BillEDITOR'S NOTE:Bill died suddenly on January 8, 2007 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inchBig Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.His wife, Bonnie was arrested and charged with murder. Theall-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, acceptingher defense that Bill somehow, without looking, accidentally sat downon his own golf club.

Classes for men - just a funny to give everyone a laugh for today! sm [2007-04-25]
Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETEDBy Monday, Oct 30, 2007 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVELOF THEIR CONTENTS! , CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM . Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.Class 2The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.Class 5Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink.Is It possible! for a Male to Put Them in the Dishwasher? Examples on Video.Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginningat 7:00 PM Class 6Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum.Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7! :00 PM for 2 hours.Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?Driving Simulations.4 weeks, Saturday Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used.Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Ways to maintain healthy level of insanity: [2007-04-05]
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, AskI f They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It In. 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Smuggling Diamonds 7. Finish All Your sentences with In Accordance With The Prophecy. 8 . Don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is To Go. 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream I Won!, IWon! 18. When Leaving The Zoo,Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!! 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.

Good Vs. Evil................ [2006-11-23]
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, green, yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, You want chocolate with that? And Man said, Yes! and Woman said, and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles. And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, Try my fresh green salad. And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons, and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them. And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight, and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy, white cake, named it Angel Food Cake and said, It is good. Satan then created chocolate cake and named it Devil's Food. God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, You want fries with that? And Man replied, Yes! And super size them! And Satan said, It is good. And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. LOL

Application to date my daughter.. [2006-09-17]
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998 16:57:54 -0500 APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor. 1. NAME __________ DATE OF BIRTH __________ 2. HEIGHT __________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q __________ G.P.A. __________ 3. SOCIAL SECURITY ______-____-________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________ 4. BOY SCOUT RANK __________ 5. HOME ADDRESS ____________________________________________CITY/STATE __________ ZIP __________ 6.Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Y / NIf No, EXPLAIN ___________________________________ 7. Number of years your parents have been married __________ 8. Do you own a van? A truck with oversized tires? A waterbed? Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? (If yes to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises) __________ 9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?____________________________________________________________________ 10. In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER! mean to you?____________________________________________________________________ 11. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?____________________________________________________________________ 12. Church you attend __________ How often do you attend? __________ 13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? _____________________ 14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.) a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is _________________ b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________ c) A woman's place is in the __________ d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is __________ e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is __________(NOTE: If your answer begins with 'T or A, discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.) 15.What do you want to be IF you grow up? ___________________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED-HOT POKERS. Signature (That means your name, moron) ______________________________ Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back). Do you still want to date my daughter? __________ Yes, please accept my application __________ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...