Another Blonde Joke

afterlife joke [2008-07-25]
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. I don't understand, he complained to God. I devoted my entire life to my congregation. Our policy here in heaven is to reward results, God explained. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon? Well, the minister had to admit, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time. Exactly, said God, and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed.

Pillsbury Doughboy joke [2008-05-23]
Sad News Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift

Bob and the Blonde [2008-05-14]
BOB AND THE BLONDE Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, Do you think he'll jump? Bob says, You know, I bet he'll jump. The blonde replied, Well, I bet he won't. Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, You're on! Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, Fair's fair. Here's your money. Bob replied, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump. The blond replied, I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again. Bob took the money...

Nuns shopping! (Joke) [2008-03-06]
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, This is for washing our hair. Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. The curlers are on me.

Nevada Findings! (joke) [2008-03-06]
Subject: FW: Nevada Findings After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers. One week later, The Elko Daily Free Press, a local newspaper in Nevada reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Elko, Ole Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Nevada had already gone wireless.

Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday.... (joke) [2008-03-06]
SAD NEWS...Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

Pecans in the Cemetery! (Joke) [2008-03-05]
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filledup a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me, said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come here quick, said the boy, you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls. The man said, Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. The old man whispered, Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord. Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done. They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. SMILE, God Loves You!

Life and Sex After Death (kinda old joke!) [2008-03-04]
Subject: Life and sex After Death The couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was noafterlife.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True tohisword, he made contact, Connie....Connie.Is that you, Joe?Yes, I've come back like we agreed.That's wonderful! What's it like?Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and thenit'soff to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun andthenhave sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp aroundthegolf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. Aftersupper, it's back to golf course again.Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleepandthen the next day it starts all over again. Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .

New Drugs for Women (Joke - Did they add any new ones?) [2008-03-04]
http://www.321greetings.com/newdrugsforwomen.htm

Firewood (Joke [2008-02-26]
Subject: firewood MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD' 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept . Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep! ' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!' (Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)

Firewood (Joke!) [2008-02-26]
Subject: firewood MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD' 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept . Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep! ' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!' (Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)

Cute Joke! [2008-02-23]
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. Breast-fed, she replied. Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. I know, she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

Self CPR (Not a Joke) passing it along... [2008-02-20]
Subject: FW: self CPR Good information to know�. What are you to do if you have a heart attack while you are alone. If you've already received this, it means people care about you The Johnson City Medical Center staff actually discovered this And did an in-depth study on it in our ICU The two individuals that Discovered this then did an article on it . Had it published and have Even had it incorporated into ACLS and CPR classes. It is very true and has and does work. It is called cough CPR. A cardiologist says it's the truth ... For your info If everyone who gets This sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life. Read This...It could save your life! Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. And you're driving home (alone of course), after an usually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course, Didn't tell you what to do if it happened to yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack , This article seemed to be in order. Without help, the person Whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, Has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, As when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let up until help arrives, Or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives! From Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240s newsletter AND THE BEAT GOES ON (reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc. Publication, Heart Response)

Tax relief check dates - (Not a Joke) [2008-02-13]
If you want to verify this, please check with the Internal Revenue Service. Just sharing information that I received and thought everyone might be interested! It's a little hard to read, but I think you will be able to figure it out. I hope this posts in a list and not all across the page! Subject: Tax relief check dates This is the schedule of when you would get your tax relief checkfor those who file taxes. The check is in the mail !!Last 2 digits of your SSN Receive your check by week of: Week 1 00 - 09 July 23 Week 2 10 - 19 July 30 Week 3 20 - 29 August 6 Week 4 30 - 39 August 13 Week 5 40 - 49 August 20 Week 6 50 - 59 August 27 Week 7 60 - 69 Sept. 3 Week 8 70 - 79 Sept. 10 Week 9 80 - 89 Sept. 17 Week 10 90 - 99 Sept. 24 For married taxpayers who filed a joint return, the first SocialSecurity Number on the return determines the mailing date. Source:Internal Revenue Service

Women are evil! (Joke) [2008-02-01]
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.'Are you the manager?' she asked him softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into hishair. 'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?' Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping acouple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!

Women are so much better at Estate planning than men: (joke) [2008-01-30]
Subject: Women are so much better at Estate planning than men:Michael was a single guy living at home with his father andworking in the family business.When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when hissicklyfather died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share hisfortune.One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the mostbeautiful woman he had ever seen.Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like justanordinary man, he said to her, but in just a few years, myfather will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three dayslater, she became his stepmother.Women are so much better at estate planning than men

New Government Warning! Do Not Swallow Gum! (Joke) [2008-01-30]
http://www.cricut.com/(S(bocf3i45oduskb3ycnmf5n55))/messageboard/tm.aspx?m=1519248mpage=1key=#1520201

Interview with an 80-year-old woman! (Joke) [2008-01-25]
An interview with an 80-year-old womanThe local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.He's a funeral director, she answered.Interesting, the newsman thought.He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careersShe smiled and explained, I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

Baby joke reminded me of this video of Dads changing diapers. [2008-01-25]
Some of you may have seen it before! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTij4txO8Uk

...2007...2008 (Joke) [2008-01-24]
To all my friends that sent me best wishes for 2007, itDIDN'T WORK! So for 2008, could you please send either money, alcohol or gas vouchers. Thank You......

Another new illness to watch out for...(Joke) [2008-01-24]
This is very cute! Another new illness to watch out for.............A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. 'What's the matter?' he asks. 'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice. 'What the he__ is anal glaucoma?' 'I can't see mybutt coming into work today.'

Still waiting...(now I have website for picture! (Joke) [2008-01-24]
If the picture does not post, this will take you to it! http://cdunning.blogspot.com/search/label/Pass-Alongs I did what you told me...I sent the email to 10 people like you said. I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen For a Miracle: Pass It On I did what you told me...I sent it to 10 of my friends...I'm still waiting for my miracle... Labels: Pass-AlongsI couldn`t resist sending THIS one on!!!!! Now send this to everybody who sends you those 'pass this along or else' messages!!!!

High school prank...(Joke) [2008-01-21]
: High School Prank At a high School inArkansas, a group of high school kidsplayed a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.. 1,2 4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

A year in the life of a blonde...(joke) [2008-01-21]
A year in the Life of a Blonde January -- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February ---- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!! March -- Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said 2-4 years! April -- Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!! May -- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June -- Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July -- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August -- Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September -- The capital of :State of California is C.....isn't it??? October -- Hate M M's.....they are so hard to peel. November -- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December -- Couldn't call 911...duh.....there's no eleven Button on the phone!!!

Old is when.... (joke) [2008-01-21]
OLD IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, Let's go upstairs and make love, and you answer, Pick one; I can't do both! OLD IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. OLD IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.. OLD IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. OLD IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. OLD IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. OLD IS WHEN...Getting a little action means you don't need to take any fiber today. OLD IS WHEN .... Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. OLD IS WHEN ...An all nighter means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND OLD IS WHEN .... You are not sure these are jokes

I find I am equally offended by [2008-11-11]
both of you! The 'joke' is out of line and so is the comment about a well established ritual of the current President greeting the newly elected President to the white house. A nation is no greater than her people.

Sick Leave... [2008-06-25]
Sick LeaveI urgently needed a few days off work,But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'Then he would tell me to take a few days off.So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,'What in the name of good GOD are you doing? 'I told him I was a light bulb.He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'I jumped down and walked out of the office...When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,'. ..And where do you think you're going?!'(You're gonna love this....) She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark. .

I loved it too! [2008-05-30]
Nothing like a good joke to start our day!

Bob and the Blonde [2008-05-14]
BOB AND THE BLONDE Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, Do you think he'll jump? Bob says, You know, I bet he'll jump. The blonde replied, Well, I bet he won't. Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, You're on! Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, Fair's fair. Here's your money. Bob replied, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump. The blond replied, I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again. Bob took the money...

Where else can I share these with you! sm [2008-02-01]
Okay, it's light-hearted! Something different. How about those frozen waves in Antartica? How about that floating Gazebo? Not funny. Just something amazing and different. I usually put Comedy Stop, Joke or something similar because it posts on the main board too. This way someone can immediately skip it if they are hard at work and do not have time to read it. If I put video, then someone will know that it is going to take time to view and maybe they don't have the time.

A year in the life of a blonde...(joke) [2008-01-21]
A year in the Life of a Blonde January -- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February ---- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!! March -- Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said 2-4 years! April -- Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!! May -- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June -- Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July -- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August -- Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September -- The capital of :State of California is C.....isn't it??? October -- Hate M M's.....they are so hard to peel. November -- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December -- Couldn't call 911...duh.....there's no eleven Button on the phone!!!

Blonde Joke!! [2008-01-19]
I thought you might find this funny... A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is click here! http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

My SIL (and this is very unlike her) [2007-12-29]
won $100 at a comedy club for telling this joke. I loved it!

A Blonde Christmas Story [2007-12-27]
Blonde Christmas Story There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!

Another Blonde Joke [2007-12-24]
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GOT UP AND MOVED TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SAT DOWN.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHED HER DO THIS, AND ASKED TO SEE HER TICKET.SHE THEN TOLD THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO RETURN AND SIT IN THE ECONOMY SECTION IN BACK.THE BLONDE REPLIED, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WENT BACK TO THE COCKPIT AND TOLD THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS WHO BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.THE CO-PILOT WENT BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY, SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE FIRST CLASS AND RETURN TO HER PROPER SEAT.THE BLONDE REPLIED, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'THE CO-PILOT RETURNED AND TOLD THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND, TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.THE PILOT SAID, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERED IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAID, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND SHE GOT UP AND WENT BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON.'

Blonde Joke! [2007-12-22]
Ablonde was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.She rushed her cat, along with the tail overto WALMART! Why WALMART??? HELLOOOOOOOOO! WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

Christmas with Louis (Hilarious) [2007-12-21]
Wildest Christmas Dinner This is an articlesubmitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to findout who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize. Christmas With Louise As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over hisfireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true becauseevery Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses andwent in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?You're kidding me! Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of theprice scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came tolife. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his houseand left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dogconfused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and barksome more. We all agreed that Lou ise should remain in her panty hose so therest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditionalChristmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door 'What the h**l is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!' My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

Priceless [2007-12-08]
This is even funnier! The joke was on me -- I just woke up and was reading through the posts. I am laughing at myself so hard I could pee.

Wow (sm) [2007-12-03]
I can't believe this, the first off-color joke I ever remember hearing, is on the internet. I must have heard this in junior high, which would have been in about 1978! They left out the frilly wording in the version that was being whispered around way back then. How funny.

Another blonde one [2007-10-23]
BLONDE AT A BUS STOP In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him ''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! '' At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.''

Ultimate Female Joke [2007-10-17]
Ultimate Female Joke. It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it. A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off of him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00................on one condition Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her Address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.............. * * * * * Clean my house.

Finally....a clean joke! [2007-10-11]
It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one with none: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch? The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in. (insert groan here)

short psychiatry joke [2007-10-04]
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear madeof Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, Well...I can clearly see your nuts.

Redhead joke [2007-09-01]
The Redhead went to the doctor�s office and said, �Doctor, every bone in my body is broken.� The doctor said, �I see. Does it hurt when you touch your arm?� The Redhead touched her arm and screamed with pain. The doctor said, �Does it hurt when you touch your leg?� The Redhead touched her leg and moaned. The doctor said, �Does it hurt when you touch your head?� The Redhead touched her head and started crying with pain. The doctor said, �You�re not really a redhead, are you?� The Redhead said, �No, actually I�m a blonde.� The doctor said, �I thought so. Your finger is broken.�

yet another blonde joke [2007-08-18]
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? Look! They spelled macy's wrong!

I wondered if anyone would've made that connection! [2007-08-13]
Funny is funny, and that joke was funny--I don't care who ya are!

Colonoscopies [2007-07-21]
Colonoscopies Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. Find Amelia Earhart yet? 3. Can you hear me NOW? 4. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? 5. You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married. 6. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief? 7. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out... 8. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels! 9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. 11. You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you? 12 . God, now I know why I am not gay. And the best one of all.. 13. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Mimeographs! [2007-07-05]
YES, I do remember the smell of that PURPLE INK. Also remember a friend who was running off copies and had a hunk of her long straight blonde hair yanked out in the process. OUCH!!!

For all you blonde ladies out there... [2007-07-04]
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate!4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Ransom Note [2007-06-29]
Ransom note A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a Child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note: I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note: Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another.