Another new illness to watch out for...(Joke)

afterlife joke [2008-07-25]
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. I don't understand, he complained to God. I devoted my entire life to my congregation. Our policy here in heaven is to reward results, God explained. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon? Well, the minister had to admit, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time. Exactly, said God, and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed.

Pillsbury Doughboy joke [2008-05-23]
Sad News Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift

World's smallest waist (also watch video of her) [2008-03-09]
http://cheeju.wordpress.com/2007/08/29/cathie-jung-worlds-smallest-waist-woman/

Nuns shopping! (Joke) [2008-03-06]
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, This is for washing our hair. Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. The curlers are on me.

Nevada Findings! (joke) [2008-03-06]
Subject: FW: Nevada Findings After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers. One week later, The Elko Daily Free Press, a local newspaper in Nevada reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Elko, Ole Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Nevada had already gone wireless.

Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday.... (joke) [2008-03-06]
SAD NEWS...Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

Pecans in the Cemetery! (Joke) [2008-03-05]
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filledup a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me, said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come here quick, said the boy, you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls. The man said, Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. The old man whispered, Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord. Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done. They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. SMILE, God Loves You!

Life and Sex After Death (kinda old joke!) [2008-03-04]
Subject: Life and sex After Death The couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was noafterlife.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True tohisword, he made contact, Connie....Connie.Is that you, Joe?Yes, I've come back like we agreed.That's wonderful! What's it like?Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and thenit'soff to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun andthenhave sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp aroundthegolf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. Aftersupper, it's back to golf course again.Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleepandthen the next day it starts all over again. Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .

New Drugs for Women (Joke - Did they add any new ones?) [2008-03-04]
http://www.321greetings.com/newdrugsforwomen.htm

Firewood (Joke [2008-02-26]
Subject: firewood MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD' 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept . Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep! ' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!' (Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)

Firewood (Joke!) [2008-02-26]
Subject: firewood MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD' 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept . Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep! ' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!' (Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)

Cute Joke! [2008-02-23]
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. Breast-fed, she replied. Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. I know, she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

Self CPR (Not a Joke) passing it along... [2008-02-20]
Subject: FW: self CPR Good information to know�. What are you to do if you have a heart attack while you are alone. If you've already received this, it means people care about you The Johnson City Medical Center staff actually discovered this And did an in-depth study on it in our ICU The two individuals that Discovered this then did an article on it . Had it published and have Even had it incorporated into ACLS and CPR classes. It is very true and has and does work. It is called cough CPR. A cardiologist says it's the truth ... For your info If everyone who gets This sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life. Read This...It could save your life! Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. And you're driving home (alone of course), after an usually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course, Didn't tell you what to do if it happened to yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack , This article seemed to be in order. Without help, the person Whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, Has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, As when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let up until help arrives, Or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives! From Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240s newsletter AND THE BEAT GOES ON (reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc. Publication, Heart Response)

Tax relief check dates - (Not a Joke) [2008-02-13]
If you want to verify this, please check with the Internal Revenue Service. Just sharing information that I received and thought everyone might be interested! It's a little hard to read, but I think you will be able to figure it out. I hope this posts in a list and not all across the page! Subject: Tax relief check dates This is the schedule of when you would get your tax relief checkfor those who file taxes. The check is in the mail !!Last 2 digits of your SSN Receive your check by week of: Week 1 00 - 09 July 23 Week 2 10 - 19 July 30 Week 3 20 - 29 August 6 Week 4 30 - 39 August 13 Week 5 40 - 49 August 20 Week 6 50 - 59 August 27 Week 7 60 - 69 Sept. 3 Week 8 70 - 79 Sept. 10 Week 9 80 - 89 Sept. 17 Week 10 90 - 99 Sept. 24 For married taxpayers who filed a joint return, the first SocialSecurity Number on the return determines the mailing date. Source:Internal Revenue Service

Women are evil! (Joke) [2008-02-01]
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.'Are you the manager?' she asked him softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into hishair. 'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?' Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping acouple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!

Women are so much better at Estate planning than men: (joke) [2008-01-30]
Subject: Women are so much better at Estate planning than men:Michael was a single guy living at home with his father andworking in the family business.When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when hissicklyfather died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share hisfortune.One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the mostbeautiful woman he had ever seen.Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like justanordinary man, he said to her, but in just a few years, myfather will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three dayslater, she became his stepmother.Women are so much better at estate planning than men

New Government Warning! Do Not Swallow Gum! (Joke) [2008-01-30]
http://www.cricut.com/(S(bocf3i45oduskb3ycnmf5n55))/messageboard/tm.aspx?m=1519248mpage=1key=#1520201

Senior Driver/Airplane (Watch video to the end!) Funny [2008-01-28]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_ITIlPvcm0

Interview with an 80-year-old woman! (Joke) [2008-01-25]
An interview with an 80-year-old womanThe local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.He's a funeral director, she answered.Interesting, the newsman thought.He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careersShe smiled and explained, I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

Baby joke reminded me of this video of Dads changing diapers. [2008-01-25]
Some of you may have seen it before! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTij4txO8Uk

...2007...2008 (Joke) [2008-01-24]
To all my friends that sent me best wishes for 2007, itDIDN'T WORK! So for 2008, could you please send either money, alcohol or gas vouchers. Thank You......

Another new illness to watch out for...(Joke) [2008-01-24]
This is very cute! Another new illness to watch out for.............A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. 'What's the matter?' he asks. 'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice. 'What the he__ is anal glaucoma?' 'I can't see mybutt coming into work today.'

Still waiting...(now I have website for picture! (Joke) [2008-01-24]
If the picture does not post, this will take you to it! http://cdunning.blogspot.com/search/label/Pass-Alongs I did what you told me...I sent the email to 10 people like you said. I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen For a Miracle: Pass It On I did what you told me...I sent it to 10 of my friends...I'm still waiting for my miracle... Labels: Pass-AlongsI couldn`t resist sending THIS one on!!!!! Now send this to everybody who sends you those 'pass this along or else' messages!!!!

High school prank...(Joke) [2008-01-21]
: High School Prank At a high School inArkansas, a group of high school kidsplayed a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.. 1,2 4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

A year in the life of a blonde...(joke) [2008-01-21]
A year in the Life of a Blonde January -- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February ---- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!! March -- Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said 2-4 years! April -- Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!! May -- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June -- Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July -- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August -- Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September -- The capital of :State of California is C.....isn't it??? October -- Hate M M's.....they are so hard to peel. November -- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December -- Couldn't call 911...duh.....there's no eleven Button on the phone!!!

Hen Party, so BAD but so funny. nm [2008-11-14]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nP-XRg6jGTI

I find I am equally offended by [2008-11-11]
both of you! The 'joke' is out of line and so is the comment about a well established ritual of the current President greeting the newly elected President to the white house. A nation is no greater than her people.

Shining Career As A Medical Assistant [2008-06-16]
Without being a medical expert, if you want to build up your career in the medical field you have that opportunity to sign up as a medical assistant. Your responsibility practice as a medical assistant is no less rewarding or urgent than doctor or medical expert. This article will provide you with enough information on medical assistance. Many people want to shine their career in the medical field. Their idea of helping the ill people is really appreciating. There are several career paths to pursue their mission in the medical field. So the career their career as a medical assistant will be the right choice for them. In the mean time of their occupation they will bag up the experiences which is no less reward for their lifetime. Practically, all the medical offices whether it is for a high profile plastic surgeon, or a medical clinic in a small town, employs medical assistant. They are considered to be the backbone of the medical practice through their hard work a medical centre can run smoothly. The medical assistant assists in many areas including helping behind the front desk, taking on tasks related directly to patient care and then following up with laboratories and image and diagnostic centres.There are different types of medical assistant who are specialised in their particular fields. Even side by side working with a medical practitioner�s office, they try to work in different environments to behabituated there at ease. This may be in the office of an ophthalmologist, a podiatrist, a gynecologist and even in a laboratory. Though the responsibility of a medical assistant varies slightly according to the fields where they are working but their common motto is following the same destination, that is to help the doctors or other medical practitioners.Naturally, there are lot of skills are expected from a medical assistant. He should have an aptitude to work in a computer; behind the desk he has to manage the schedule of appointments, billing, calling etc.Apparently, the job of a medical assistant may seem to you easiest one; it�s not at all. Without the help of a medical assistant an office will be smashed down.Many medical assistant prefers to work in the office where they can enjoy the opportunity to interact with the patient. Although, a medical assistant is not allowed to examine a patient. But they are trained to watch the vital sign of disease on patients. Even they are trained for injection drawing blood. It can be incredibly rewarding for the assistant to experience a few moments with each patient as they arrive at the office, asking about their medical issue as well as archiving a brief medical history. For this reason it�s very necessary that the assistant has an empathetic friendly nature. With Best Regards Linda

I loved it too! [2008-05-30]
Nothing like a good joke to start our day!

Harold & Kumar go to White Castle [2008-05-24]
Remember when Harold got pulled over by the racist cop and Kumar stuck up for him, and the cop goes, ...yeah Kumar, bust your as_!.....what kind of name is that anyway.....what is that like five O http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hS90u2Zg_3I

Good Ol' Red [2008-04-30]
I love Red...I remember every Tuesday night we would get in front of the TV to watch him...I loved the Mean Wittle Kid and Freddy the Freeloader....those were good clean and really funny jokes he told...I miss him!

An unusual gun. (video) [2008-03-10]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D99NHb6B03s

9 WORDS WOMEN USE [2008-03-10]
9 WORDS WOMEN USE (1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm.This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an id and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever'). (8)Whatever:Is a women's way of saying____YOU! (9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. * Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

18 HOLES ......ADDICTING GOLF GAME [2008-03-08]
Subject: 18 HOLES ......ADDICTING GOLF GAME If you can't get out to the course. Try this. 18 Holes...Addicting Golf Game!Go to this link and I promise, even if you'renot a golfer, you won't be able to stop. Watch Out for #18 http://www.ibogleif.dk/spil/flashspil/minigolf/minigolf.swf

A TEST FOR OLD KIDS! [2008-03-05]
A TEST FOR OLD KIDS:I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us �old kids! (The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.)01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, �Who was that masked man?� Invariably, someone would answer, �I don't know, but he left this behind.� What did he leave behind? ________________.02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.03 Get your kicks, __________________.04. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we danced under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the �_____________.07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestl�s makes the very best . . . . . _______________.08. Satchmo was America�s Ambassador of Goodwill. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His first last name was ________ _________.09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, Good Night, and ________ ________.11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ _______________.13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, the day the music died.� This was a tribute to ___________________.14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ______________.15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________-________. ANSWERS:01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.02. The Ed Sullivan Show03. On Route 66 04. To protect the innocent.05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight06. The limbo07. Chocolate08 Louis Armstrong09. The Timex watch10. Freddy, the Freeloader and Good Night and God Bless.11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)12. Beetle or Bug13. Buddy Holly14. Sputnik15. Hoola-hoopSend this to your old friends, better known as seniors. It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes

A bad cat day video! Might have seen it before! [2008-02-26]
http://video.yahoo.com/watch/1648676

Wouldn't it be great....(political....a great idea) [2008-02-20]
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the or der for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved d uring the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France . In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the e arth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China . I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon ne chance, me z a mies. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops i n the world. I love New York A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try notmaking usmad for a change. Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I ans wer them by saying, 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America . Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

How the blond thing got started! (video) [2008-02-20]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFAkuFSziSsfeature=related

Dog dancing - really dancing - awesome video!! sm [2008-02-20]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imQMGhb4T7Ifeature=related

these are so cool I had to share them [2008-02-19]
didn't know where else except the comedy board. www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYMRepK_aqwfeature=related www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oA1GpdFyic guess you will have to cut and paste.

Cutesy Valentine Story... [2008-02-15]
Why moms are smarter than dads One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me andmy brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one anda half years old and had just recovered from an accident in whichmy arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and itwas one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living roomengrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearbyin the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' whichwas just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise forsuch yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait inthe living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with acup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,�Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reachto get water is the toilet�?

I'm an old cowhand.... [2008-02-14]
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, Are you a real cowboy? He replied, Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy. She said, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women. The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, Are you a real cowboy? He replied, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian .

commercial spoof [2008-02-09]
This commercial is hysterical. I watch it from time to time when I need a laugh. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5o5A0VGvnXg

Mrs. Hughes. [2008-02-02]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWrj9TaA0Mc

Angels explained by children! (Comedy) [2008-02-01]
Angels Explained by ChildrenI only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.--Gregory, 5Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. --Olive, 9It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go toheaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. Andthen you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. --Matthew, 9Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.--Mitchell, 7My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good forscience.--Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows.--Jack, 6Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.--Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.--Reagan, 10Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. --Sara, 6Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.--Jared, 8All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.--Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. --Katelynn, 9Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. --Vicki, 8What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.--Sarah, 7

Where else can I share these with you! sm [2008-02-01]
Okay, it's light-hearted! Something different. How about those frozen waves in Antartica? How about that floating Gazebo? Not funny. Just something amazing and different. I usually put Comedy Stop, Joke or something similar because it posts on the main board too. This way someone can immediately skip it if they are hard at work and do not have time to read it. If I put video, then someone will know that it is going to take time to view and maybe they don't have the time.

Rabbit vs snake. (Comedy Stop) [2008-01-30]
Now there is a real snake in this video. Just a warning but it's something you don't see every day. (And the snake is NOT eating the rabbit). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4rU-rFn6vY

Senior Driver/Airplane (Watch video to the end!) Funny [2008-01-28]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_ITIlPvcm0

2007 Women Driver Awards (Video) [2008-01-27]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja58upqPAxk

Baby joke reminded me of this video of Dads changing diapers. [2008-01-25]
Some of you may have seen it before! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTij4txO8Uk