Are they asking for your IP number or the

Are they asking for your IP number or the [2007-12-24]
company who provides your internet service?

UPS pilot gripes, mechanic humor [2008-08-12]
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor..... Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPSpilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an S). By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. * P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. * P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit * P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. * P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. * P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. * P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. * P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. * P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. * P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search * P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. * P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. * P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. * And the best one for last * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget

Red Skelton [2008-03-07]
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you willenjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Kentucky. 3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time! she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric Toaster and electric bread maker. She said There are too many gadgets, and no place To sit down! So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well Because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.She told me, In the lake. 8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late ? The driver said, No, jump in. 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her First name was ALWAYS. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, What's on the TV? I said, Dust! Can't you just hear him say all of these?.....those were the good old days When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple. And he always ended his programs with the words, God Bless

How Smart Is Your Right Foot? Try This. [2008-03-04]
How Smart Is Your Right Foot? Try This.Just try this............ It's from an orthopedic surgeon.This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your right foot, but you can't. It's all preprogrammed in your brain!1. While sitting where you are, in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air withyour right hand. Your foot will change direction!I told you so!!!! And there's nothing you can do about it. Youand I both know how silly it is, but before the day is done, you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so. Send it to your buddies, to frustrate them also.

Dr. Phil's Test (This might have been posted before.. ??) [2008-02-26]
Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out! Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the person who sent it to you.) Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now --- not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question. Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready?? Begin. 1 When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon ขส early evening c) late at night 2 You usually walk... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly 3. When talking to people you. .. a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair 4. When relaxing, you sit with. . a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you 5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you ... a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed 7.You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes 8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are. . a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers 10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant POINTS: 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 7 (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 ( c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 Now add up the total number of points. OVER 60 POINTS : Others see you as someone they should handle with care. You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you. 51 TO 60 POINTS : Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate. 41 TO 50 POINTS : Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. 31 TO 40 POINTS : Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken. 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then , usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature. UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some peopl e think you' re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't. Now forward this to others, and put your score in the subject box of your e-mail, like this: Dr. Phil's Test, I'm a ..

Tax relief check dates - (Not a Joke) [2008-02-13]
If you want to verify this, please check with the Internal Revenue Service. Just sharing information that I received and thought everyone might be interested! It's a little hard to read, but I think you will be able to figure it out. I hope this posts in a list and not all across the page! Subject: Tax relief check dates This is the schedule of when you would get your tax relief checkfor those who file taxes. The check is in the mail !!Last 2 digits of your SSN Receive your check by week of: Week 1 00 - 09 July 23 Week 2 10 - 19 July 30 Week 3 20 - 29 August 6 Week 4 30 - 39 August 13 Week 5 40 - 49 August 20 Week 6 50 - 59 August 27 Week 7 60 - 69 Sept. 3 Week 8 70 - 79 Sept. 10 Week 9 80 - 89 Sept. 17 Week 10 90 - 99 Sept. 24 For married taxpayers who filed a joint return, the first SocialSecurity Number on the return determines the mailing date. Source:Internal Revenue Service

I'm glad this doesn't apply to me! Comedy [2007-12-07]
Subject: This Is Happening Here in Our Own Country I'm glad this doesn't apply to me! : THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately ! Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there! All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! Comedy [2007-11-27]
Subject: The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 1 0 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all th at you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

DUI - Rhode Island Style! [2007-11-19]
Only a person in Rhode Island could think of this. From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Lincoln, RI. After last call at the Lodge, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a cou ple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road headed toward 146. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken. I doubt it, said the truly proud driver. Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

New Drugs! Comedy... [2007-10-18]
The pictures did not post with this. I would be glad to email it to anyone! Enjoy! NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to____ for up to 8 full hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person. BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.

Singles Ad [2007-09-18]
The following ad really appeared in the Atlanta Journal in the singles section of the paper: Single, black female, seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing, trips, cozy winter nights, laying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hands! Rub me the right way and watch me respond! I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me!! Kiss me and I'm yours, call (phone number). 15,000 men in Atlanta responded. They were immediately connected to the Atlanta Humane Society for an eight-week old, black Labrador dog!

How smart is your right foot? [2007-08-04]
How smart is Your Right Foot? Just try this. This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's programmed into your brain! While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so! Odd, isn't it?

25 words of wisdom [2007-07-21]
25 Words of Wisdom 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here. 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,Thyroid problem? 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. 6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:Buy one dog, get one flea... 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys. 15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect. 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have Schiffer Brains. 18. No one ever says It's only a game! when their team is winning. 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!

math [2007-07-05]
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for$1.58. The countergirl took my $2 and I was diggingfor my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocketand gave it to her. She stood there, holding thenickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen onher register. I sensed her discomfort and tried totell her to just give me two quarters, but shehailed the manager for help . While he tried toexplain t he transaction to her, she stood there andcried. Why do I tell you this? Answer: Because of the evolution in teaching mathsince the 1950's 1. Teaching Math In 1950A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Hiscost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Math In 1960A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Hiscost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. Whatis his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1970A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Hiscost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? 4. Teaching Math In 1980A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Hiscost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 1990A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he isselfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for thehabitat of animals or the preservation of ourwoodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of$20. What do you think of this way of making aliving? Topic for class participation afteranswering the question: How did the birds andsquirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?(There are no wrong answers. ) 6. Teaching Math In 2007Un hachero vende una carretada DE maderapara $100.El costo de LA producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Why Parents Drink [2007-01-26]
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. Hello ?Is your daddy home? he asked. Yes , whispered the small voice. May I talk with him? asked the boss. The child whispered, No . Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, Is your Mommy there? Yes . May I talk with her? Again the small voice whispered, No . Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, Is anybody else there? Yes , whispered the child, a policeman . Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, May I speak with the policeman? No, he's busy , whispered the child. Busy doing what? Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, What is that noise? A helicopter answered the whispering voice. What is going on there? demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, The search team just landed a helicopter . Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, What are they searching for? Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ME .

Fictitious but funny [2006-09-26]
From: rowehe@lp.musc.edu Date: Thu, 24 Feb 1994 12:55:10 EST Subject: Concerning your recent submission Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull. We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the Malibu Barbie. It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities

Application to date my daughter.. [2006-09-17]
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998 16:57:54 -0500 APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor. 1. NAME __________ DATE OF BIRTH __________ 2. HEIGHT __________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q __________ G.P.A. __________ 3. SOCIAL SECURITY ______-____-________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________ 4. BOY SCOUT RANK __________ 5. HOME ADDRESS ____________________________________________CITY/STATE __________ ZIP __________ 6.Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Y / NIf No, EXPLAIN ___________________________________ 7. Number of years your parents have been married __________ 8. Do you own a van? A truck with oversized tires? A waterbed? Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? (If yes to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises) __________ 9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?____________________________________________________________________ 10. In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER! mean to you?____________________________________________________________________ 11. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?____________________________________________________________________ 12. Church you attend __________ How often do you attend? __________ 13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? _____________________ 14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.) a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is _________________ b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________ c) A woman's place is in the __________ d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is __________ e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is __________(NOTE: If your answer begins with 'T or A, discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.) 15.What do you want to be IF you grow up? ___________________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED-HOT POKERS. Signature (That means your name, moron) ______________________________ Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back). Do you still want to date my daughter? __________ Yes, please accept my application __________ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...

Why some parents drink [2006-02-09]
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.Hello.Is your daddy home? he asked.Yes, whispered the small voice.May I talk with him?The child whispered, No.Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, Is your Mommy there?Yes.May I talk with her?Again the small voice whispered, No.Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, Is anybody else there?Yes, whispered the child, a policeman.Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, May I speak with the policeman?No, he's busy, whispered the child.Busy doing what?Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, What is that noise?A hello-copper answered the whispering voice.What is going on there? asked the boss, now truly alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, The search team just landed the hello-copper.Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked,What are they searching for?Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:ME.

Psychiatric hotline [2005-12-04]
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.