Atheist in the woods

Atheist in the woods [2008-02-04]
AN Atheist in the woods An atheist was walking through the woods and said to himself, What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him! At that instant, the Atheist cried out, Oh my God! Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer? The atheist looked directly into the light and said, It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,... You could make the BEAR a Christian? Very Well, ! said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and spoke: Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

Very funny from Hayseed the atheist. LOL. I know we don't agree but [2007-08-13]
I love your posts. Always always makes me laugh.

Two guys in the woods. [2007-06-26]
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. Wow, that looks deep. Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. No noise. That is really deep. Here, throw in one of those great big rocks. It should make a noise. They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, Hey, over here in the weeds is a railroad tie. Help me carry it over there. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise. The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here? You bet we did! Darndest thingwe eversaw! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole! Nah, says the farmer. That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.

Atheist in the woods [2008-02-04]
AN Atheist in the woods An atheist was walking through the woods and said to himself, What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him! At that instant, the Atheist cried out, Oh my God! Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer? The atheist looked directly into the light and said, It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,... You could make the BEAR a Christian? Very Well, ! said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and spoke: Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

A Blonde Christmas Story [2007-12-27]
Blonde Christmas Story There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!

A child's view of the world.... [2007-12-07]
Subject:A child's view of the world......- She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye! My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, Did you start at 1? After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was THAT? A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are we alike? You're both old, he replied. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself! When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure. Look in your underwear, Grandpa, he advised. mine says I'm four to six. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That's interesting, she said, how do you make babies? It's simple, replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'. Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. Don't you know what pregnant means? she asked. Sure, said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one child. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrants..

Finally....a clean joke! [2007-10-11]
It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one with none: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch? The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in. (insert groan here)

Singles Ad [2007-09-18]
The following ad really appeared in the Atlanta Journal in the singles section of the paper: Single, black female, seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing, trips, cozy winter nights, laying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hands! Rub me the right way and watch me respond! I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me!! Kiss me and I'm yours, call (phone number). 15,000 men in Atlanta responded. They were immediately connected to the Atlanta Humane Society for an eight-week old, black Labrador dog!

Seriously, this is some funny, funny stuff. Good read on break. sm [2007-09-12]
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY . 1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. 2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR..... 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' HE SAID IF HE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?' 12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM? 16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS THAT TURTLE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? 20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? 24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? 30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'? 31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? 34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Grandchildren's Logic [2007-08-19]
Grandchildren's Logic My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, Did you start at 1? ************************************************************ After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was THAT? *********************************************************** A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! ********************************************************** A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. *************************************************************** A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife. ******************************************************** Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, What caused the submarine to sink? With a look of incredulity Mark replied, Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!! ********************************************************** When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. ******************************************************* When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure. Look in your underwear, Grandma, he advised. Mine says I'm four to six. ******************************************************* A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That's interesting, she said, How do you make babies? It's simple, replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es' ********************************************************** Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. Don't you know what pregnant means? she asked. Sure, said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child. ************************************************************ A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one youngster. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrant.

Two guys in the woods. [2007-06-26]
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. Wow, that looks deep. Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. No noise. That is really deep. Here, throw in one of those great big rocks. It should make a noise. They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, Hey, over here in the weeds is a railroad tie. Help me carry it over there. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise. The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here? You bet we did! Darndest thingwe eversaw! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole! Nah, says the farmer. That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.

good joke. made me laugh anyway [2005-11-18]
Two hunters are out in the woods and happen upon a huge deep hole in the ground. They can't even see to the bottom of the hole so they think it must be pretty deep. So they drop a rock into the hole but never heard the rock hit the bottom. Now they're thinking it must be a really deep hole. So they roll a boulder over and push it into the hole, but not a sound from the boulder either. So now they know this hole is really, really deep and they trudge through the woods to find something bigger.They come upon a railroad tie. Thinking the railroad tie would surely make a noise when it hit the bottom of the hole, they drag the railroad tie back, drag it over to the hole and finally manage to throw it in. Still nothing. Not a sound. The hunters are sitting back wondering what to do next when a goat comes out of nowhere, flies by them and dives head first into the hole. A bit later a farmer wanders by and says, You fellas didn't happen to see a goat around here did you? The hunters said, Well one just went running by to beat all and dove head first into that there hole. Farmer says, Nope. Couldn't have been my goat. I had him tied up good and tight to a railroad tie.