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afterlife joke [2008-07-25]
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
I don't understand, he complained to God. I devoted my entire life to my congregation.
Our policy here in heaven is to reward results, God explained. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?
Well, the minister had to admit, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.
Exactly, said God, and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed.
Pillsbury Doughboy joke [2008-05-23]
Sad News
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift
An unusual gun. (video) [2008-03-10]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D99NHb6B03s
World's smallest waist (also watch video of her) [2008-03-09]
http://cheeju.wordpress.com/2007/08/29/cathie-jung-worlds-smallest-waist-woman/
Nuns shopping! (Joke) [2008-03-06]
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
The curlers are on me.
Nevada Findings! (joke) [2008-03-06]
Subject: FW: Nevada Findings
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year,
New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network
more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks
that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and
shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: California
archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.
One week later, The Elko Daily Free Press, a local
newspaper in Nevada reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush
fields near Elko, Ole Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Nevada had already gone wireless.
Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday.... (joke) [2008-03-06]
SAD NEWS...Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
Pecans in the Cemetery! (Joke) [2008-03-05]
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,
two boys filledup a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me.He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around
the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
Come here quick, said the boy, you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.
The man said, Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me. The old man whispered,
Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done. They say the old man made it
back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
SMILE, God Loves You!
Life and Sex After Death (kinda old joke!) [2008-03-04]
Subject: Life and sex After Death
The couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was noafterlife.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True tohisword, he made contact, Connie....Connie.Is that you, Joe?Yes, I've come back like we agreed.That's wonderful! What's it like?Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and thenit'soff to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun andthenhave sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp aroundthegolf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. Aftersupper, it's back to golf course again.Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleepandthen the next day it starts all over again.
Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .
New Drugs for Women (Joke - Did they add any new ones?) [2008-03-04]
http://www.321greetings.com/newdrugsforwomen.htm
Firewood (Joke [2008-02-26]
Subject: firewood
MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD' 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept . Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep! ' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!' (Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)
Firewood (Joke!) [2008-02-26]
Subject: firewood
MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD' 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept . Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep! ' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!' (Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)
A bad cat day video! Might have seen it before! [2008-02-26]
http://video.yahoo.com/watch/1648676
High Speed, Low pass, Jets (Video) [2008-02-26]
http://www.weshow.com/us/p/33042/high_speed_low_passes_in_jets
Cute Joke! [2008-02-23]
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. Breast-fed, she replied. Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. I know, she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
Please advise if a video is involved - sm [2008-02-22]
Sorry, am not complaining but I cannot open videos so would not open message if I knew that is what it was.
How the blond thing got started! (video) [2008-02-20]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFAkuFSziSsfeature=related
Self CPR (Not a Joke) passing it along... [2008-02-20]
Subject: FW: self CPR
Good information to know….
What are you to do if you have a heart attack while you are alone.
If you've already received this, it means people care about you
The Johnson City Medical Center staff actually discovered this
And did an in-depth study on it in our ICU The two individuals that
Discovered this then did an article on it . Had it published and have
Even had it incorporated into ACLS and CPR classes.
It is very true and has and does work. It is called cough CPR.
A cardiologist says it's the truth ... For your info If everyone who gets
This sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life.
Read This...It could save your life!
Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. And you're driving home (alone of course), after an usually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home.
Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far.
What can you do?
You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course,
Didn't tell you what to do if it happened to yourself.
Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack ,
This article seemed to be in order. Without help, the person
Whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint,
Has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness.
However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously.
A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged,
As when producing sputum from deep inside the chest.
A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let up until help arrives, Or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating.
The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.
Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives!
From Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240s newsletter AND THE BEAT GOES ON
(reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc. Publication, Heart Response)
Dog dancing - really dancing - awesome video!! sm [2008-02-20]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imQMGhb4T7Ifeature=related
Tax relief check dates - (Not a Joke) [2008-02-13]
If you want to verify this, please check with the Internal Revenue Service. Just sharing information that I received and thought everyone might be interested!
It's a little hard to read, but I think you will be able to figure it out. I hope this posts in a list and not all across the page!
Subject: Tax relief check dates This is the schedule of when you would get your tax relief checkfor those who file taxes. The check is in the mail !!Last 2 digits of your SSN Receive your check by week of: Week 1 00 - 09 July 23 Week 2 10 - 19 July 30 Week 3 20 - 29 August 6 Week 4 30 - 39 August 13 Week 5 40 - 49 August 20 Week 6 50 - 59 August 27 Week 7 60 - 69 Sept. 3 Week 8 70 - 79 Sept. 10 Week 9 80 - 89 Sept. 17 Week 10 90 - 99 Sept. 24 For married taxpayers who filed a joint return, the first SocialSecurity Number on the return determines the mailing date. Source:Internal Revenue Service
Women are evil! (Joke) [2008-02-01]
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.'Are you the manager?' she asked him softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into hishair. 'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?' Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping acouple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!
Your post is just as funny as the video. nm [2008-01-31]
!
Women are so much better at Estate planning than men: (joke) [2008-01-30]
Subject: Women are so much better at Estate planning than men:Michael was a single guy living at home with his father andworking in the family business.When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when hissicklyfather died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share hisfortune.One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the mostbeautiful woman he had ever seen.Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like justanordinary man, he said to her, but in just a few years, myfather will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three dayslater, she became his stepmother.Women are so much better at estate planning than men
New Government Warning! Do Not Swallow Gum! (Joke) [2008-01-30]
http://www.cricut.com/(S(bocf3i45oduskb3ycnmf5n55))/messageboard/tm.aspx?m=1519248mpage=1key=#1520201
Senior Driver/Airplane (Watch video to the end!) Funny [2008-01-28]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_ITIlPvcm0
I find I am equally offended by [2008-11-11]
both of you! The 'joke' is out of line and so is the comment about a well established ritual of the current President greeting the newly elected President to the white house. A nation is no greater than her people.
link [2008-07-31]
http://www.maniacworld.com/twin-baby-moose-in-sprinkler.html
posted this, don't know where it went
I loved it too! [2008-05-30]
Nothing like a good joke to start our day!
Obviously those weren't really MTs, [2008-04-06]
but they were all men, LOL. Sure women have tempers, but are less likely to pick up equipment and throw it like the video showed.
Thought you would have fun with this! [2008-03-10]
This was interesting. Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are True descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real Deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets Worse from there.Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.AQUARIUS- The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.PISCES- The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative.May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.ARIES- The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of badLuck if you do not forwardGEMINI- The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.CANCER- The Protector (June 21 - July 22)Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LEO- The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.VIRGO- The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to.Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LIBRA- The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SCORPIO- The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SAGITTARIUS- The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14 years of bad luck if you do not forwardSend away!!~ Ready . set............ GO!1-3 people= 1 minute of luck4-7 people= 1 hour of luck8-12 people = 1 day of luck13-17 People = 1 week of luck18-22 people = 1 month of luck23-27 people = 3 Months of luck28-32 people = 7 months of luck33-37 people = 1 year of luck
A bad cat day video! Might have seen it before! [2008-02-26]
http://video.yahoo.com/watch/1648676
JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH [2008-02-23]
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JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCHAttending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white? The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. The child thought about this for a moment then said, So why is the groom wearing black?~~~~~~~~~~~~A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either! ~~~~~~~~~~~~Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money! ~~~~~~~~~~~~An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.~~~~~~~~~~~~A police recruit was asked during the exam, What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He answered, Call for backup. ~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter.~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to Honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.~~~~~~~~~~~~At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, Johnny, what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.
Cute Joke! [2008-02-23]
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. Breast-fed, she replied. Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. I know, she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
Cutesy Valentine Story... [2008-02-15]
Why moms are smarter than dads
One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me andmy brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one anda half years old and had just recovered from an accident in whichmy arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and itwas one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living roomengrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearbyin the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' whichwas just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise forsuch yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait inthe living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with acup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reachto get water is the toilet”?
Eight Words with two Meanings [2008-02-14]
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The last part is the funniestEight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female....... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Full y opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. ! 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 8. REMOTE CONTROL ( ri- moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND; He said . .. . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said......Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said... We don't know; it has never happened. ! She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? He said... A widow. He said... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife"! [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife"! [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
accident in Texas...sm [2008-02-08]
ACCIDENT IN Texas : YOU HAVE TO LISTEN! catThis is so funny and his laugh is contagious! Close your eyes and just picture what he is watching...it's even better than a video clip!!!You've got to listen to this! It's a phone call from a man inTexas who witnessed a car accident involving 4 elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their site.Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf
How to give a pill to your cat... [2008-02-08]
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw .
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve thecat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastid's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hadies and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air.
Those are great shots! [2008-02-05]
I would love to have the balls to even be a passenger...but I just know I would cry like a baby, pass out, and pee my pants and toss my cookies. Just amazing! Love the prop job plane with those jets. My husband says it's called JTO, jet-assisted takeoff, meant to get planes up in the air with short runways. I never saw such a thing! Very cool!
Where else can I share these with you! sm [2008-02-01]
Okay, it's light-hearted! Something different. How about those frozen waves in Antartica? How about that floating Gazebo? Not funny. Just something amazing and different.
I usually put Comedy Stop, Joke or something similar because it posts on the main board too. This way someone can immediately skip it if they are hard at work and do not have time to read it. If I put video, then someone will know that it is going to take time to view and maybe they don't have the time.
Rabbit vs snake. (Comedy Stop) [2008-01-30]
Now there is a real snake in this video. Just a warning but it's something you don't see every day. (And the snake is NOT eating the rabbit).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4rU-rFn6vY
28 Do's and Don'ts for your baby! [2008-01-25]
http://www.wackyarchives.com/offbeat/caring-for-a-baby-101.html
PMS survival video [2008-01-24]
This video is hysterical.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCwKbUVyHLYfeature=related
Don't honk at old people! (video) [2008-01-22]
Airbag granny!
A lady was video taping her son riding a skate board when her attention switched to an old woman trying to cross the street. It is the best direct hit I have seen in some time. You can hear the lady taping also giggling as she records the event. Please open attachment.It's a quick one but you will get a good laugh.....
p://www.zippyvideos.com/4483177586873916/granny_airbag/
Grandparents! (with pictures) Something nice! [2008-01-20]
GRANDPARENTS
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret Grandmothers are just 'antique' little girls. ~Author Unknown Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Grandfathers have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Ogden Nash Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.. ~Author unknown Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. ~Author Unknown If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no fun for old people like it! ~ Hannah Whithall Smith It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown Grandchildren are nature’s way of compensating us for growing old. ~Mary H. Waldrip You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Proverb An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida . ~Dave Barry I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense. ~Gene Perret Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice. ~Author Unknown A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,' you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are nature’s gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie
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