Cab Ride kinda sad so don't read if you cry easily.

Kinda funny, in a macabre sort of way - [2008-03-25]
The patient is 85 years old. Under Social History he still works. He is a funeral director. You've heard of those who can't do, teach? Looks like those who can't die, bury!

Life and Sex After Death (kinda old joke!) [2008-03-04]
Subject: Life and sex After Death The couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was noafterlife.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True tohisword, he made contact, Connie....Connie.Is that you, Joe?Yes, I've come back like we agreed.That's wonderful! What's it like?Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and thenit'soff to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun andthenhave sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp aroundthegolf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. Aftersupper, it's back to golf course again.Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleepandthen the next day it starts all over again. Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .

I just read your message and I will find them and post the web addresses. Thanks nm [2008-01-23]
nm

To cd who emailed me! Hi! Read message! [2008-01-22]
Hi! I tried emailing to you twice but it didn't go and I don't know why. The e-mail address that I used was your name at hotmail.com.

Old post I just read! Hope it's okay to copy it and repost it! Funny! [2008-01-03]
Accidentally found this and I can't stop laughing! I hope it's okay to copy and post it again for those of you that have forgotten it or have never seen it! Too funny! Too Cute [2007-05-09] A visiting minister spoke eloquently during the offertory prayer. Dear Lord, he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, without you we are but dust... He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, Mom, what is butt dust?

Also, I like to read all the jokes. They make me laugh [2007-12-28]
out loud! These MT's have a wonderful sense of humor! I see humor in other postings too!!! Ha!

Cab Ride - kinda sad so don't read if you cry easily. [2007-12-23]
A good story...but might make you cry... I hesitated to post this.... CAB RIDE Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. One night I took a fare at 2:30 am, when I arrived to collect, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers wou ld just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated'. 'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?' FONT-FAMILY: Arial> 'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'. I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now' We drove in silence to the address she had given me.It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> 'Nothing,' I said 'You have to make a living,' she answered. 'There are other passengers,' I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> FONT-FAMILY: Arial> I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn FONT-FAMILY: Arial> On a quick review, I don COLOR: #330000; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia>We COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia> But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one. PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia> BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL. You won FONT-FAMILY: Arial> But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate by sending it on. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

I finally read this today - very funny! Sent to my friends too! nm [2007-12-22]
x

Seriously, this is some funny, funny stuff. Good read on break. sm [2007-09-12]
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY . 1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. 2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR..... 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' HE SAID IF HE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?' 12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM? 16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS THAT TURTLE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? 20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? 24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? 30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'? 31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? 34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

WARNING: This is really gross but it's really funny so read it anyway! [2007-08-22]
Since I'm sure we're on someone's poop list- (isn't that how it works??)I thought I'd send you a REAL poop list!!! Be prepared to LAUGH! :) The “Ghost” Poop The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there’s no poop in the bowl. The “Clean” Poop The kind where you feel the poop come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there’s no poop on the paper. The “Wet” Poop You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with skid marks. The “Second Wave” Poop This poop usually happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poop some more. The “Brain Hemorrhage” Poop You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. The “Corn Cob” Poop No explanation necessary. The “Lincoln Log” Poop The kind of poopie that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. The “Notorious Drinker” Poop The kind of poop you have the morning-after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. The “Gee, I Really Wish I Could” Poop The kind where you want to poop but, even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped and farting. (very frustrating if you’re using a pay toilet.) The “Power Dump” Poop The kind that comes out so fast that you barely get your pants down when you’re done. The “Liquid Plumber” Poop This kind of poop is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the “Lincoln Log” poop.) The “Spinal Tap” Poop The kind of poop that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways. The “I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Asshole” Poop Similar to the “Lincoln Log” and “Spinal Tap” poop. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterward. The “Porridge” Poop The type of poop that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. The “I Think I’m Turning into a Bunny” Poop When you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. The “I’m Going to Chew my Food Better” Poop When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates your insides on the way out. The “What the Heck Died in Here” Poop Also sometimes referred to as the “Toxic Dump” poop. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air. The “I Just Know There’s a Turd Still Hanging There” Poop Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe it now, it’s going to smear all over the place. The “Fire In the Bowl” Poop The kind of poop that singes the hair around your butt from the big feed of Mexican food the night before.

Hard to read, but says, New hunky aroma! (nm) [2007-06-17]
The letters are very small.

That is great!!! I am actually going to do a few of those...cause that's the kinda sicko I am! [2007-04-05]
LOL :)

I read this in Reader's Digest - cute funny! [2007-03-24]
We were really confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: This man has pholenfrometry. Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head. This man, he said, translating fro her, has fallen from a tree. Submitted to Reader's Digest by Patricia Longbottom. I think we can all relate.

Learn Chinese- read these out loud [2007-03-07]
English Chinese That's not right Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here Wai So Dim I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching This is a tow away zone No Pah King Our meeting is scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu .

Think I'll take my husband for a plane ride [2006-09-18]
/

Well, I laughed hysterically when I read you first post! LOL! [2006-09-17]
x

I read this and "I walked away laughing hysterically." [2006-09-13]
It was just a how to ruin a perfect joke message. I wasn't having a bad day at all. I justwas rather disheartened that theCOMEDY BOARDwas also bitten by the new badway to end a joke virus.. It's a terrible thing when ajoke cannot end with a perfect punchline instead of a hint that suggests okay, now it is time to laugh. Thattotally takes the PUNCH out of the punchline. It was like the old canned laughter on old shows like M*A*S*H. My mom used to say, Why do they do that? We don't need to be told when something is funny. If we don't get it, then we don't know what is funny and that canned laughter just takes away from the funny stuff. It's like in grade school when you told a joke and ended it with, get it? Case in point, Bob and Jim are sitting around a campfire with a bunch of people. BOB SAYS: Hey Jim, how do you keepsomeone in suspense? JIM: I don't know. How? BOB: I'll tell you tomorrow. That joke doesn't end in, and everyone around the campfire LAUGHED OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG that is the funniest thing Ihave ever read!! [2006-07-18]
LOL

Supposedly an urban legend, but worth the read. [2005-10-12]
You wonder if stories like these aren't true on some level.

If cars ran like computers [2008-12-03]
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computerindustry has, we wouldall be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to thegallon.' In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued apress releasestating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would allbe driving carswith the following characteristics:1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crashtwice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, youwould have to buy anew car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for noreason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of thewindows, shut off thecar, restart it, and reopen the windows before you couldcontinue. For somereason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause yourcar to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case youwould have toreinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,was reliable,five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but wouldrun on only fivepercent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warninglights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An IllegalOperation' warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?'before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car wouldlock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted thedoor handle, turnedthe key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers wouldhave to learn how todrive all over again because none of the controls wouldoperate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button toturn the engine offPS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, youcould call 'customerservice' and be instructed in some foreign language howto fix your caryourself!!!!

TURKEY SURGERY [2008-11-23]
Dear Superpeach, Thank you so much for a good laugh! I have a medical transcription class to teach on Monday before Thanksgiving, so I will read it to them, giving you credit, of course. Maybe I'll just tell them I have a class dictation of their first OP and let them figure it out! Rosie

Thought you would have fun with this! [2008-03-10]
This was interesting. Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are True descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real Deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets Worse from there.Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.AQUARIUS- The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.PISCES- The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative.May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.ARIES- The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of badLuck if you do not forwardGEMINI- The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.CANCER- The Protector (June 21 - July 22)Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LEO- The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.VIRGO- The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to.Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LIBRA- The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SCORPIO- The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SAGITTARIUS- The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14 years of bad luck if you do not forwardSend away!!~ Ready . set............ GO!1-3 people= 1 minute of luck4-7 people= 1 hour of luck8-12 people = 1 day of luck13-17 People = 1 week of luck18-22 people = 1 month of luck23-27 people = 3 Months of luck28-32 people = 7 months of luck33-37 people = 1 year of luck

Nevada Findings! (joke) [2008-03-06]
Subject: FW: Nevada Findings After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers. One week later, The Elko Daily Free Press, a local newspaper in Nevada reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Elko, Ole Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Nevada had already gone wireless.

A Little San Francisco Humor... [2008-02-27]
A nurse was on duty ina San Francisco Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Dr. Phil's Test (This might have been posted before.. ??) [2008-02-26]
Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out! Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the person who sent it to you.) Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now --- not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question. Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready?? Begin. 1 When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon ¢Ê early evening c) late at night 2 You usually walk... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly 3. When talking to people you. .. a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair 4. When relaxing, you sit with. . a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you 5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you ... a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed 7.You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes 8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are. . a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers 10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant POINTS: 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 7 (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 ( c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 Now add up the total number of points. OVER 60 POINTS : Others see you as someone they should handle with care. You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you. 51 TO 60 POINTS : Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate. 41 TO 50 POINTS : Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. 31 TO 40 POINTS : Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken. 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then , usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature. UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some peopl e think you' re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't. Now forward this to others, and put your score in the subject box of your e-mail, like this: Dr. Phil's Test, I'm a ..

Wouldn't it be great....(political....a great idea) [2008-02-20]
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the or der for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved d uring the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France . In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the e arth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China . I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon ne chance, me z a mies. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops i n the world. I love New York A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try notmaking usmad for a change. Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I ans wer them by saying, 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America . Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

Self CPR (Not a Joke) passing it along... [2008-02-20]
Subject: FW: self CPR Good information to know…. What are you to do if you have a heart attack while you are alone. If you've already received this, it means people care about you The Johnson City Medical Center staff actually discovered this And did an in-depth study on it in our ICU The two individuals that Discovered this then did an article on it . Had it published and have Even had it incorporated into ACLS and CPR classes. It is very true and has and does work. It is called cough CPR. A cardiologist says it's the truth ... For your info If everyone who gets This sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life. Read This...It could save your life! Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. And you're driving home (alone of course), after an usually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course, Didn't tell you what to do if it happened to yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack , This article seemed to be in order. Without help, the person Whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, Has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, As when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let up until help arrives, Or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives! From Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240s newsletter AND THE BEAT GOES ON (reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc. Publication, Heart Response)

HaHa! [2008-02-14]
I was already smiling in the beginning of it, but when I read the punch line I cracked up! Thanks for making my morning!

Tax relief check dates - (Not a Joke) [2008-02-13]
If you want to verify this, please check with the Internal Revenue Service. Just sharing information that I received and thought everyone might be interested! It's a little hard to read, but I think you will be able to figure it out. I hope this posts in a list and not all across the page! Subject: Tax relief check dates This is the schedule of when you would get your tax relief checkfor those who file taxes. The check is in the mail !!Last 2 digits of your SSN Receive your check by week of: Week 1 00 - 09 July 23 Week 2 10 - 19 July 30 Week 3 20 - 29 August 6 Week 4 30 - 39 August 13 Week 5 40 - 49 August 20 Week 6 50 - 59 August 27 Week 7 60 - 69 Sept. 3 Week 8 70 - 79 Sept. 10 Week 9 80 - 89 Sept. 17 Week 10 90 - 99 Sept. 24 For married taxpayers who filed a joint return, the first SocialSecurity Number on the return determines the mailing date. Source:Internal Revenue Service

Where else can I share these with you! sm [2008-02-01]
Okay, it's light-hearted! Something different. How about those frozen waves in Antartica? How about that floating Gazebo? Not funny. Just something amazing and different. I usually put Comedy Stop, Joke or something similar because it posts on the main board too. This way someone can immediately skip it if they are hard at work and do not have time to read it. If I put video, then someone will know that it is going to take time to view and maybe they don't have the time.

Never Argue with a Woman [2008-01-29]
Never Argue With A WomanOne morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?Reading a book, she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?).You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, he informs her.I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could startat any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault, says the woman.But I haven't even touched you, says the Game Warden.That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.Have a nice day ma'am, and he left.MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.Send this to females who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent.

funniest e-bay listing [2008-01-27]
Ever wondered what it is like taking six children to the grocery store? Even if you haven't and you need a good laugh,then take a look at this link for an ebay listing, it has got to be the funniest thing I have read in a while. After reading the description, keep scrolling down to read the comments.http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItemitem=130144061675ru=http% Then if you haven't laughed enough, go check out her blog page.........I'm still laughing!! http://mom2my6pack.blogspot.com/ Cat

stop feeding the birds... [2008-01-26]
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it lovingly with seed. It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder. Within aweek we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free andeasily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the bird crap. It was everywhere; on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere! Then some of the birds turned mean. They woulddive bomb me and try topeck me even though I hadfed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's see.... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the millions. Suddenlyour taxes went up to pay forfree services; small apartmentsare housing five or more families; you have to waitsix hours to be seen by a doctor in an emergency room because it is filled with illegals; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Its just my opinion but: maybe, just maybe, it's time for the government to take down the darn bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the crap.

A Frickin' Elephant [2008-01-21]
A Frickin' Elephant Jake is 5 and learning to read.He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!A Deep breath ... What did you call it?It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!It says so on the picture! and so it does............. A f r i c a n Elephant

Grandparents! (with pictures) Something nice! [2008-01-20]
GRANDPARENTS Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret Grandmothers are just 'antique' little girls. ~Author Unknown Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Grandfathers have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Ogden Nash Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.. ~Author unknown Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. ~Author Unknown If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no fun for old people like it! ~ Hannah Whithall Smith It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown Grandchildren are nature’s way of compensating us for growing old. ~Mary H. Waldrip You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Proverb An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida . ~Dave Barry I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense. ~Gene Perret Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice. ~Author Unknown A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,' you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are nature’s gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie

Septic Truck with political message! [2008-01-19]
Scroll down to see the septic truck and read message on back! http://officespam.chattablogs.com/archives/044269.html

Test for Dementia! (Joke) Have fun... [2008-01-19]
Dementia? After doing this you will feel dumb as dirt Test for DementiaBelow are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?Let's find out just how clever you really are....First Question:You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?Second Question:If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?You're not very good at this, are you?Third Question:Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.Take1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?Scroll down for answer.....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Did you get 5000?The correct answer is actually 4100.If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.Fourth Question:Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Did you Answer Nunu?NO! Of course it isn't.Her name isMary. Read the question again!Okay, now the bonus round:Amute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~He just has to open his mouth and ask ... It's really very simple.PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!Have a nice day everyone

Whatcha doin? !!! [2008-01-19]
Thought For The Day 'Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both!' Don't be flattered, this message was sent to ME I just wanted YOU to read it Tag You are it, Pass it on

You've gotta see this! [2008-01-19]
Mind Blowing Engineering - read story firstDon't forget to turn your sound on and read the screen below before opening the video attachment.See how all of the balls wind up in catcher cones. This incredible machine was built as a collaborative effort between The Robert M. Trammell Music Conservatory and the Sharon Wick School of Engineering at the University of Iowa.Amazingly, 97% of the machines components came from John Deere Industries and Irrigation Equipment of Bancroft, Iowa. Right first time - Farm Equipment!It took the team a combined 13,029 hours of set-up, alignment, calibration,and tuning before filming this video but as you can see it was well worth the effort.It is now on display in the Matthew Gerhard Alumni Hall at the University and is already slated to be donated to the Smithsonian. Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WF6t-721uVk

You might be a transcriptionist if: [2008-01-03]
You might be a medical Transcriptionist if/when: The last book you read on vacation was a diagnostic guide to tendon injuries. Someone yells duck and you start typing d-U-c-t in midair. You start correcting people's grammar mistakes in a chat room dedicated to discussing movies and TV shows. You know your gluteus maximus from your olecranon process. Your favorite 3 words are end of dictation. You refer to making your holiday turkey as prepping and draping in the usual fashion. You guess the outcome of CSI in the first 5 minutes of the show after hearing the (not-so-mysterious) mysterious cause of death. You can't go into a doctor's office without asking the receptionist Who does your medical transcription? or commenting to your own doctor that you think he's a bad dictator and you feel sorry for the MT working for him. Your doctor tells you that you have a problem with your back but doesn't want to confuse you with the details and you ask him -- Were sagittal and coronal T1-weighted images performed and T2- and proton density-weighted images also obtained? You think percussion is something that belongs more in a medical report than in a rock band. You say to your honey, skip the flowers and chocolate for my birthday and get me the latest version of Stedman's Medical and Pharma spellchecker. You offer your landscaper 7 cents per line of grass for mowing your lawn. You press the left pedal in your car and you're surprised when the car doesn't go into reverse. Your neighbor comes to you to make a diagnosis based on a series of symptoms and advise them on whether to have surgery or not. (you refuse of course LOL) Your favorite quote is Acronyms bad, verbose originators good. You can fix stuck keys on your computer keyboard by turning it upside down and banging out the crumbs. You have a Mr. Coffee within arm's reach of your desk. The first place your husband and children look for you is at your desk rather than in the kitchen. Your husband and children wave their hand between your face and the computer screen to get your attention. You can fold laundry while sitting at your desk and listening to the latest dictator who speaks 5 words in 60 seconds... and still changes his mind 4 times on exactly how to put it. You step on people's feet to get them to repeat what they just said. You have a bladder capacity of more than a quart. You have a bookshelf by your desk in which no two books are the same color. Your dream is to someday have every book Stedman's makes. Your wrist rest has food spots on it. No one who doesn't know how to touch type can use your computer keyboard because at least half the keys have the letters worn off. Your friends have to learn your macro names in order to read your emails to them. Your husband and children have to learn your macro names in order to read the notes you write them. You are the only one in your family who can understand the clerks at the 7-11. You find watching only one TV screen at a time boring. You correct the pharmacist's spelling. It aggravates you that the keys on the telephone keypad are in a different order than the keys on the 10-key pad on your computer keyboard. You have a mini refrigerator sitting next to your computer tower. More than half the icons on your desktop have to do with drugs or dictionaries. There are more coffee cups in your office than there are in the kitchen. You have your Mr. Coffee plugged in to your UPS (battery backup). Your friends want you to go to their doctor appointments with them so you can act as an interpreter. You go to the doctor with your spouse who tells the doctor, She's a medical transcriptionist so I'll let her tell you what's wrong with me. To this, the doctor replies, OK...would you prefer to tell me or do you want to type it? You flip back and forth between work and newsgroups. You watch television commercials for prescription drugs very closely to see what the generic form is and how both are spelled. You get an invitation to something that specifies work attire and you wonder if that means fluffy slippers, flip flops - or if it would be okay to show up barefoot. You go to start the car to go to the grocery store and find the battery is dead. You don't know how long it's been dead.

lololol! So many of those apply to me! [2008-01-03]
I've read that before, but it makes me laugh every time. Way too funny

Ouch! Can barely touch my toes! [2007-12-29]
Don't look at this web site if you are easily offended. I sometimes have a weird sense of humor that may not be appreciated by everyone. I just found these jokes on the previous web site that I posted bout the yacht. You've got to see the lady bent in half doing keyboarding!! I'll bet this is how all of you feel after the companies you work for get done with you!! Ouch! Can barely touch my toes! http://www.ssqq.com/jokes/jokepicture.htm

Ouch! Can barely touch my toes! [2007-12-29]
Don't look at this web site if you are easily offended. I sometimes have a weird sense of humor that may not be appreciated by everyone. I just found these jokes on the previous web site that I posted bout the yacht. You've got to see the lady bent in half doing keyboarding!! I'll bet this is how all of you feel after the companies you work for get done with you!! Especially after you lose pay. Ouch! Can barely touch my toes! http://www.ssqq.com/jokes/jokepicture.htm

Children - Through Their Eyes! [2007-12-27]
Today's Funnies xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Children: Through Their Eyes NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! DISCLAIMER On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents. HEINZ 57A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. It's the minister, mommy, the child said to her mother. Then she said to the minister, Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle. MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?THE ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few weeks ago. DADDY'S TUX A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. And why not, darling? asked the dad.You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning, replied the girl. DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes. SCHOOL DAYSA little girl had just finished her first week of school. I'm just wasting my time, she said to her mother. I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. Mama, look what I found, the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? asked the mom. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, I think it's Adam's underwear.