Cats taking pills

Hillllarrrrious!!! I have cats....... [2008-02-08]
xx

Cats taking pills [2008-02-08]
I don't have a cat but I many years ago I worked with a vet, this can be very true and is very funny.

Believe me I WAS taking it easy. [2006-01-28]
When someone jokes about somethingI see people stare at my kid for and ask what is his PROBLEM?, believe me I count to ten before saying anything. Just pointing out that sometimes humor borders on the offensive.

The history of liberals and conservatives [2008-10-15]
I posted this on the politics board too - It's half political/half humor. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were: 1. The invention of beer, and 2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man. These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jack@ss. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most are social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history....... It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain. Have a great day!

Love it! [2008-07-30]
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a darn

Shining Career As A Medical Assistant [2008-06-16]
Without being a medical expert, if you want to build up your career in the medical field you have that opportunity to sign up as a medical assistant. Your responsibility practice as a medical assistant is no less rewarding or urgent than doctor or medical expert. This article will provide you with enough information on medical assistance. Many people want to shine their career in the medical field. Their idea of helping the ill people is really appreciating. There are several career paths to pursue their mission in the medical field. So the career their career as a medical assistant will be the right choice for them. In the mean time of their occupation they will bag up the experiences which is no less reward for their lifetime. Practically, all the medical offices whether it is for a high profile plastic surgeon, or a medical clinic in a small town, employs medical assistant. They are considered to be the backbone of the medical practice through their hard work a medical centre can run smoothly. The medical assistant assists in many areas including helping behind the front desk, taking on tasks related directly to patient care and then following up with laboratories and image and diagnostic centres.There are different types of medical assistant who are specialised in their particular fields. Even side by side working with a medical practitioner’s office, they try to work in different environments to behabituated there at ease. This may be in the office of an ophthalmologist, a podiatrist, a gynecologist and even in a laboratory. Though the responsibility of a medical assistant varies slightly according to the fields where they are working but their common motto is following the same destination, that is to help the doctors or other medical practitioners.Naturally, there are lot of skills are expected from a medical assistant. He should have an aptitude to work in a computer; behind the desk he has to manage the schedule of appointments, billing, calling etc.Apparently, the job of a medical assistant may seem to you easiest one; it’s not at all. Without the help of a medical assistant an office will be smashed down.Many medical assistant prefers to work in the office where they can enjoy the opportunity to interact with the patient. Although, a medical assistant is not allowed to examine a patient. But they are trained to watch the vital sign of disease on patients. Even they are trained for injection drawing blood. It can be incredibly rewarding for the assistant to experience a few moments with each patient as they arrive at the office, asking about their medical issue as well as archiving a brief medical history. For this reason it’s very necessary that the assistant has an empathetic friendly nature. With Best Regards Linda

Things you would never tell your mother [2008-05-12]
On Friday, a local talk radio show had wanted to here from callers things they did when they were younger that they would never tell their mothers. One woman called in to say that she used to take her mothers birth control pills for herself and trade them out with aspirin, which resulted in in the birth of her brother!

Very funny dictations. [2008-04-18]
I has to post these. These are hysterical. I found them on Kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.html OKAY, NOW ON TO THE BLOOPERS!! ______________________________________First of all, here is my favorite -- a classic example of the pot calling the kettle black!!!He mumbles with lips that barely move and in fact is mostly unintelligible as to his intention with his words.______________________________________The next patient's name is Doe, John.... I'm not sure which is the first name and which is the last name, although I would imagine Doe would be the last name, unless it's John.______________________________________This is an 8-year-old child accompanied by her mother, who appears playful and interactive.______________________________________This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.______________________________________The patient's gait is normal. I am able to stand on her toes.______________________________________The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant.______________________________________The patient was cleaned copiously and steri-stripped. She was then dressed and discharged. ______________________________________This 50-year-old teacher is undergoing polysomnogram because of daytime sleepiness and difficulty staying asleep while teaching.______________________________________....painful cramps prior to her menses secondary to her period.______________________________________The other foot has the missing toes.______________________________________(Dictated on a patient with schizophrenia) The patients are alert and oriented.______________________________________He is an occasional smoker, smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day for the past 19 years.______________________________________ S: Patient comes in for ear pain. She is pain free.O: TMs and canals are normal.A: Normal knee exam.P: Reassurance. ______________________________________Blood loss from the procedure was less than 10 gallons.______________________________________First name Victor, spelled V as in Victor....______________________________________Preoperative diagnosis: Unexplained abdominal pain in the knee.______________________________________She is sexually active with one muscle.______________________________________GENITORECTAL: Surgically fused ankles bilaterally.______________________________________He denies falling asleep while driving during meals.______________________________________Patient has been married for 30 years, living at home with husband, and in the past has had dogs, cats, and children as pets.______________________________________The patient states that diarrhea tends to run in his family.______________________________________He is married with two spouses, ages 12 and 9.______________________________________Pelvic and Pap smear were done in my office in her vaginal area.______________________________________Also, on his right hand he has a left thumb dislocation.______________________________________She had difficulty completing simple calculations. For example, when I asked her what 3 times 3 plus 1 equals, she said 'ten'.______________________________________This 42-year-old woman who was discharged after four days of admission, four days after a four-day admission, was discharged and now returns.______________________________________Check out the whole list and more at http://kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.htm

Have you had your vitamin L today? [2008-02-16]
L for laughter! This is an oldie but it still makes me laugh! CALLING IN SICK Weall had trouble with our animals, but I donCalling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks Ione recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wifeto adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it. You know where the button is, I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. Reset it yourself! But I she persisted. What if it starts going and sucks me in? There was a meaningful pause and then, C So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasnour new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of been-there, done-that paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. What They all asked, Cat got your tongue? If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this? Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!

Eight Words with two Meanings [2008-02-14]
v:* {} v:* { } The last part is the funniestEight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female....... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Full y opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. ! 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 8. REMOTE CONTROL ( ri- moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. AND; He said . .. . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said......Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said... We don't know; it has never happened. ! She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? He said... A widow. He said... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Cat Valentine - I know how much all of you sm [2008-02-12]
love your cats! Was just messing around a neat site I stumbled upon and thought you might enjoy this site! There are other e-cards. This is a simple, but cute picture! http://www.naute.com/gcards/compose.php?imageid=370

Old people doin' it. [2008-02-05]
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

funniest e-bay listing [2008-01-27]
Ever wondered what it is like taking six children to the grocery store? Even if you haven't and you need a good laugh,then take a look at this link for an ebay listing, it has got to be the funniest thing I have read in a while. After reading the description, keep scrolling down to read the comments.http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItemitem=130144061675ru=http% Then if you haven't laughed enough, go check out her blog page.........I'm still laughing!! http://mom2my6pack.blogspot.com/ Cat

stop feeding the birds... [2008-01-26]
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it lovingly with seed. It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder. Within aweek we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free andeasily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the bird crap. It was everywhere; on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere! Then some of the birds turned mean. They woulddive bomb me and try topeck me even though I hadfed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's see.... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the millions. Suddenlyour taxes went up to pay forfree services; small apartmentsare housing five or more families; you have to waitsix hours to be seen by a doctor in an emergency room because it is filled with illegals; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Its just my opinion but: maybe, just maybe, it's time for the government to take down the darn bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the crap.

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Comedy Stop)) [2008-01-22]
Why did the chicken cross the road? DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stpd he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... ANDERSON COOPER- CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@^(C% ........ reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE : I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one? CHENEY : Where's my gun? AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Are you going to start giving [2007-12-30]
your spiders coffee and alcohol now? LOL. I was just looking at the YouTubes that were coming up at the first window, and as you make choices it changes the ones being offered, and of course I always go for the animal ones. So I watched a couple of ones that were titled 'cats on drugs' or 'dogs on drugs,' and then this one came up.

Sven and Olaf! [2007-12-23]
Sven and Olaf Sven Olaf were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light. 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter', he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. Vere dit yew git dat monster??' 'Vell', replied Olaf, 'I got it from my Genie' 'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked. 'Ya, shure, it's right here in my tackle box, says Olaf. 'Could I see him?' asked Sven. Olaf opens his tackle box sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the Genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere, I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?' 'Yes, I will', says the Genie. So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf, 'Yumpin' Yimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!' Olaf answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?'

A child's view of the world.... [2007-12-07]
Subject:A child's view of the world......- She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye! My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, Did you start at 1? After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was THAT? A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are we alike? You're both old, he replied. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself! When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure. Look in your underwear, Grandpa, he advised. mine says I'm four to six. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That's interesting, she said, how do you make babies? It's simple, replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'. Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. Don't you know what pregnant means? she asked. Sure, said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one child. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrants..

In Honor of Not Very Smart People... [2007-12-05]
In Honour of Not Very Smart People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through nonsmartness (the S***** word is a bad word), here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods ....... On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- Do not turn upside down. (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) ========================== On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts. (talk about a news flash) =========================== On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) ========================== On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating. (...and you thought????...) ======================= On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) ==================================== On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) =========================== On a bar of Dial soap -- Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be???....) ============================ On some Swanson frozen dinners -- Serving suggestion: Defrost. (but, it's just a suggestion.) ======================== On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- Do not iron clothes on body. (but wouldn't this save me time?) ============================== On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness. (..I'm taking this because???....) ============================== On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to what?) ========================== On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use. (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) ============================== On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (Step 3: say what?) =========================== On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) ======================== On a Swedish chainsaw -- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) =========================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...

Why Boys Need Parents [2007-11-20]
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late. 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy. 11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12.) Super glue is forever. 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time. 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. 25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

Several Short Jokes! Enjoy! [2007-11-19]
CHUCKLES FOR COUPLES AND OTHERS... My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, theytake your house and car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way tooqualified for the job. Look Miss, said the foreman, have you any actual experience inpicking lemons? Well, as a matter if fact, yes! she replied.? I've been divorcedthree times. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he hasbeen living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact wordsthat were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into thecheck-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forwardlooked into the cart and asked sweetly, So which six items would youlike to buy? Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderlyneighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for atable. Young man, we're both 90 years old, the husband said . We maynot have 45 minutes. They were seated immediately. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they wouldhate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down theaisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissedher father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Eventhe priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, thebride gave him back his credit card. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax andget used to the idea. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three friends from the local congregation were asked, When you're inyour casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,what would you like them to say? Artie said: I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a finespiritual leader, and a great family man. Eugene commented: I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacherand servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives. Al said: I'd like them to say, Look, he's moving! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... God, what does a million years mean toyou? The Lord replies, A minute. Smith asks, And what does a million dollars mean to you? The Lord replies, A penny. Smith asks, Can I have a penny? The Lord replies, In a minute. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. Give me one last request, dear, he said. Of course, John, his wife said softly. Six months after I die, he said, I want you to marry Bob. But I thought you hated Bob, she said. With his last breath John said, I do! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes to see the Rabbi. Rabbi, something terrible is happening andI have to talk to you about it. The Rabbi asked, What's wrong? The man replied, My wife is poisoning me. The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be? The man then pleads, I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do? The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see whatI can find out and I'll let you know. A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, Well, I spoke to yourwife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want myadvice? The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, Take the poison!

A couple VR funnies [2007-11-14]
These just made me chuckle today. Her primary care physician is Dr. he is on top and smells. *supposed to be some foreign doctor with a name that is similar, but not quite. Most likely it is the large bites of hand that he ingested that probably stirred up bleeding in his esophagus. *hand = ham. I used to be scared of voice recognition taking my job...not anymore.

Little Bruce and Jenny... [2007-11-07]
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage. Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live? Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely. Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny. Again, Bruce instantly replies, Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that would do us just fine. By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own? Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says Well, we've been lucky so far. Mr. Smith no longer thinks that little sh*t is adorable.

very funny eBay listing...sm [2007-11-07]
Ever wondered what it is like taking six children to the grocery store? Even if you haven't and you need a good laugh,then take a look at this link for an ebay listing, it has got to be the funniest thing I have read in a while. After reading the description, keep scrolling down to read the comments.http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItemitem=130144061675ru=http% Then if you haven't laughed enough, go check out her blog page.........I'm still laughing!! http://mom2my6pack.blogspot.com/

Man calls in sick. [2007-10-31]
Contributed by FoxyMX (Message board in England, I believe) Entry: 16-04-2007, 11:23 AM We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: First of all, calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied about specifics anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a dignified explanation for the the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it. You know where the button is, I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. Reset it yourself! But I she persisted. What if it starts going and sucks me in? There was a meaningful pause and then, C So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasnfight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of been-there, done-that paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. Whats the matter?Cat got your tongue? PS. Why is it that only the women laugh at this????

Bet the nurses hate that, LOL. [2007-10-21]
Your visitor is taking up the whole room, Mr. Jones. Clean up in room 6607! Bring a shovel!

You're gonna love this [2007-10-11]
even if you don't like cats, the song is fun and the singer is cute.

Oh can you stand little kitties?! [2007-10-11]
That was very cute! If you like cats, you HAVE to watch this 300 parody. I actually had tears streaming down my face!