Check out the "illusions" on that same website sm

Thank you! I forget to check Snopes! But I'd rather be [2008-02-20]
wrong than to not pass it along. Thanks again cat of Eric!

Tax relief check dates - (Not a Joke) [2008-02-13]
If you want to verify this, please check with the Internal Revenue Service. Just sharing information that I received and thought everyone might be interested! It's a little hard to read, but I think you will be able to figure it out. I hope this posts in a list and not all across the page! Subject: Tax relief check dates This is the schedule of when you would get your tax relief checkfor those who file taxes. The check is in the mail !!Last 2 digits of your SSN Receive your check by week of: Week 1 00 - 09 July 23 Week 2 10 - 19 July 30 Week 3 20 - 29 August 6 Week 4 30 - 39 August 13 Week 5 40 - 49 August 20 Week 6 50 - 59 August 27 Week 7 60 - 69 Sept. 3 Week 8 70 - 79 Sept. 10 Week 9 80 - 89 Sept. 17 Week 10 90 - 99 Sept. 24 For married taxpayers who filed a joint return, the first SocialSecurity Number on the return determines the mailing date. Source:Internal Revenue Service

Still waiting...(now I have website for picture! (Joke) [2008-01-24]
If the picture does not post, this will take you to it! http://cdunning.blogspot.com/search/label/Pass-Alongs I did what you told me...I sent the email to 10 people like you said. I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen For a Miracle: Pass It On I did what you told me...I sent it to 10 of my friends...I'm still waiting for my miracle... Labels: Pass-AlongsI couldn`t resist sending THIS one on!!!!! Now send this to everybody who sends you those 'pass this along or else' messages!!!!

Check out the "illusions" on that same website sm [2007-12-29]
I have gotten some of these in emails...now Iknow where they originated!!! What a fun site this turned out to be! A little bit of everything! http://www.ssqq.com/jokes/jokepicillusions.htm

Big dog picture! Check it out!! [2007-12-29]
This is a picture of a big guard dog that is for sale! http://www.jibjab.com/view/208476

A website.....sm [2007-12-29]
Check out this website and see what you think and see the one for New Years. Also, Google a search for New Year greetings or cards. A lot of choices! http://www.jacquielawson.com

I have learned to check [2007-12-08]
where I am if I go in under Active Topics. It's a useful list, except a lot of interesting topics turn out to be on the MQ board, where not everybody is supposed to post, so ya have to be careful using the Active Topics list. :o>

Go and check out-sm [2006-02-01]
www.Engrish.com I have never laughed so hard!!!!

Here's a Monday funny for you [2008-11-10]
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no answer came to his repeated at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote Revelation 3:20 on the back of and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10. Reaching for his Bible to check out the verse, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins Behold, I stand at the door and knock Genesis 3:10 reads, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.

Very funny dictations. [2008-04-18]
I has to post these. These are hysterical. I found them on Kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.html OKAY, NOW ON TO THE BLOOPERS!! ______________________________________First of all, here is my favorite -- a classic example of the pot calling the kettle black!!!He mumbles with lips that barely move and in fact is mostly unintelligible as to his intention with his words.______________________________________The next patient's name is Doe, John.... I'm not sure which is the first name and which is the last name, although I would imagine Doe would be the last name, unless it's John.______________________________________This is an 8-year-old child accompanied by her mother, who appears playful and interactive.______________________________________This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.______________________________________The patient's gait is normal. I am able to stand on her toes.______________________________________The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant.______________________________________The patient was cleaned copiously and steri-stripped. She was then dressed and discharged. ______________________________________This 50-year-old teacher is undergoing polysomnogram because of daytime sleepiness and difficulty staying asleep while teaching.______________________________________....painful cramps prior to her menses secondary to her period.______________________________________The other foot has the missing toes.______________________________________(Dictated on a patient with schizophrenia) The patients are alert and oriented.______________________________________He is an occasional smoker, smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day for the past 19 years.______________________________________ S: Patient comes in for ear pain. She is pain free.O: TMs and canals are normal.A: Normal knee exam.P: Reassurance. ______________________________________Blood loss from the procedure was less than 10 gallons.______________________________________First name Victor, spelled V as in Victor....______________________________________Preoperative diagnosis: Unexplained abdominal pain in the knee.______________________________________She is sexually active with one muscle.______________________________________GENITORECTAL: Surgically fused ankles bilaterally.______________________________________He denies falling asleep while driving during meals.______________________________________Patient has been married for 30 years, living at home with husband, and in the past has had dogs, cats, and children as pets.______________________________________The patient states that diarrhea tends to run in his family.______________________________________He is married with two spouses, ages 12 and 9.______________________________________Pelvic and Pap smear were done in my office in her vaginal area.______________________________________Also, on his right hand he has a left thumb dislocation.______________________________________She had difficulty completing simple calculations. For example, when I asked her what 3 times 3 plus 1 equals, she said 'ten'.______________________________________This 42-year-old woman who was discharged after four days of admission, four days after a four-day admission, was discharged and now returns.______________________________________Check out the whole list and more at http://kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.htm

I got this but my Ph.D. brother said that [2008-02-20]
this is not true - check snopes.

A teaching prospect said.... [2008-02-17]
After being interviewed by the school administration, the teachingprospect said, Let me see if I've got this right.................You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs andsexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem andpersonal pride.You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship,sportsmanshipand fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, andapply for a job.You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs ofantisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of theirhandicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter,telephone newsletter, and report card.You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, abulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary thatqualifies me for food stamps.You want me to do all this and then you tell me...I CAN'T PRAY?

Tax relief check dates - (Not a Joke) [2008-02-13]
If you want to verify this, please check with the Internal Revenue Service. Just sharing information that I received and thought everyone might be interested! It's a little hard to read, but I think you will be able to figure it out. I hope this posts in a list and not all across the page! Subject: Tax relief check dates This is the schedule of when you would get your tax relief checkfor those who file taxes. The check is in the mail !!Last 2 digits of your SSN Receive your check by week of: Week 1 00 - 09 July 23 Week 2 10 - 19 July 30 Week 3 20 - 29 August 6 Week 4 30 - 39 August 13 Week 5 40 - 49 August 20 Week 6 50 - 59 August 27 Week 7 60 - 69 Sept. 3 Week 8 70 - 79 Sept. 10 Week 9 80 - 89 Sept. 17 Week 10 90 - 99 Sept. 24 For married taxpayers who filed a joint return, the first SocialSecurity Number on the return determines the mailing date. Source:Internal Revenue Service

Spend rebate in U.S.? Ha! (Newpaper editorial) [2008-02-13]
I didn't write this, but it hits home! Spend rebate in U.S.? Ha! Friday, February 1, 2008 3:29 PM PST Editor: President Bush in his plan to give back tax rebates suggests we spend the money on American-made goods so that they can spur the economy.Can anyone tell this writer where one goes to buy �Made in America� goods? Just checked my husband's closet, goods all bought in the state of Nevada: �Van Heusen� shirts, Sri Lanka; �Old Navy� pants, Bangladesh; �Wilson� pants, Mexico; �Hanes� underwear, Dominican Republic, etc.Check out your own closet if you think I'm kidding.

How to give a pill to your cat... [2008-02-08]
How To Give A Cat A Pill 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw . 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve thecat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little bastid's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hadies and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air.

funniest e-bay listing [2008-01-27]
Ever wondered what it is like taking six children to the grocery store? Even if you haven't and you need a good laugh,then take a look at this link for an ebay listing, it has got to be the funniest thing I have read in a while. After reading the description, keep scrolling down to read the comments.http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItemitem=130144061675ru=http% Then if you haven't laughed enough, go check out her blog page.........I'm still laughing!! http://mom2my6pack.blogspot.com/ Cat

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Comedy Stop)) [2008-01-22]
Why did the chicken cross the road? DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stpd he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... ANDERSON COOPER- CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@^(C% ........ reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE : I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one? CHENEY : Where's my gun? AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Test for Dementia! (Joke) Have fun... [2008-01-19]
Dementia? After doing this you will feel dumb as dirt Test for DementiaBelow are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?Let's find out just how clever you really are....First Question:You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?Second Question:If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?You're not very good at this, are you?Third Question:Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.Take1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?Scroll down for answer.....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Did you get 5000?The correct answer is actually 4100.If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.Fourth Question:Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Did you Answer Nunu?NO! Of course it isn't.Her name isMary. Read the question again!Okay, now the bonus round:Amute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~He just has to open his mouth and ask ... It's really very simple.PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!Have a nice day everyone

Frozen tsunami waves in Antartica! [2007-12-29]
I received this in my email today. You think it's cold where you live? This tsunami froze immediately in the Antartica! I think we are having a heat wave! Check it out! http://www.megabunny.com/frozen-tsunami-waves-in-antartica/

A website.....sm [2007-12-29]
Check out this website and see what you think and see the one for New Years. Also, Google a search for New Year greetings or cards. A lot of choices! http://www.jacquielawson.com

Festive Fruitcake Recipe [2007-12-28]
Merry Christmas to all and to all a nood gight, I mean good night *hic*Festive Fruitcake Recipe1 cup water1 cup sugar4 large eggs2 cups dried fruit1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts1 gallon whiskey[Note: Rum may be substituted for whiskey.]1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.2. Take a large bowl.3. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. 3. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.4. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.5. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.6. Turn off mixer.7. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 8. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.9. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.10. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?11. Check the whiskey.12. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.13. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.14. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.15. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of he window. 16. Check the whiskey again.17 Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?

I think [2007-12-08]
I've learned to check now too! Still laughing my drawers off!

BreakTheChain.Org [2007-11-30]
Have you heard of the website www.breakthechain.org? It discusses this story and states that this is not a true story but just an urban legend.

Another Attorney funny! [2007-11-29]
BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY. Charlotte , North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, theninsured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of thesegreat cigars and without yet having made even his first premiumpayment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against theinsurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in aseries of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. and WON!Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurancecompany that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policyfrom the company, which it had warranted that the cigarswere insurable and also guaranteed that it woul d insure them againstfire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptablefire and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, theinsurance Company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to thelawyer for his loss of the c igars lost in the fires. NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previouscase being used against him, the lawyer was convicted ofintentionally burning his Insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in therecent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Attorneys!!! [2007-11-28]
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Then, could it be possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be sure? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive anyway? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practicing law.......

Wal-Mart [2007-11-19]
Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart and was waiting in the check-out line with a large bag of Purina dog chow in my cart. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? . . . On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, but I was starting my Purina Diet again and although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. However, since I'd lost 50 pounds on the diet before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now en thralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, hewas laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

Several Short Jokes! Enjoy! [2007-11-19]
CHUCKLES FOR COUPLES AND OTHERS... My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, theytake your house and car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way tooqualified for the job. Look Miss, said the foreman, have you any actual experience inpicking lemons? Well, as a matter if fact, yes! she replied.? I've been divorcedthree times. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he hasbeen living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact wordsthat were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into thecheck-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forwardlooked into the cart and asked sweetly, So which six items would youlike to buy? Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderlyneighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for atable. Young man, we're both 90 years old, the husband said . We maynot have 45 minutes. They were seated immediately. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they wouldhate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down theaisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissedher father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Eventhe priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, thebride gave him back his credit card. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax andget used to the idea. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three friends from the local congregation were asked, When you're inyour casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,what would you like them to say? Artie said: I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a finespiritual leader, and a great family man. Eugene commented: I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacherand servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives. Al said: I'd like them to say, Look, he's moving! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... God, what does a million years mean toyou? The Lord replies, A minute. Smith asks, And what does a million dollars mean to you? The Lord replies, A penny. Smith asks, Can I have a penny? The Lord replies, In a minute. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. Give me one last request, dear, he said. Of course, John, his wife said softly. Six months after I die, he said, I want you to marry Bob. But I thought you hated Bob, she said. With his last breath John said, I do! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes to see the Rabbi. Rabbi, something terrible is happening andI have to talk to you about it. The Rabbi asked, What's wrong? The man replied, My wife is poisoning me. The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be? The man then pleads, I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do? The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see whatI can find out and I'll let you know. A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, Well, I spoke to yourwife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want myadvice? The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, Take the poison!

I hope this is a joke - actual Craigslist post [2007-11-18]
Book wrighter, XXXX area Reply to: job-XXXXXXXX@craigslist.org Date: 2007-11-14, 11:43PM EST I NEED AN INDIVIDUAL TO HELP ME PUT MY WORDS IN TO BOOK FORM.I AM TERABLE WITH GRAMMER AND SPELLING,BUT I HAVE TWO BOOK IDEAS THAT I WANT TO BRING TO MARKET. THE FIRST BOOK IS A MOTAVATIONAL/SELF HELP BOOK. THE SECOND IS A CHRISTIAN BASED BOOK. I SPEEK PUBLICLY ON BOTH SUBJECTS,I AM SHARING THAT BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS NOT A SHOT IN THE DARK. THE PERSON I AM LOOKING FOR MUST HAVE A CREATIVE MIND AND A GOOD EYE FOR DETAIL. SCEDULE IS FLEXABLE PLEAS RESPOND BY EMAIL OR CALL 919-xxx-xxxx PS:I APOLAGIZE FOR ANY MISS SPELLED WORDS THERE IS NOT A SPELL CHECK FETURE ON CRAIGS LIST. * Compensation: BUY THE HR. OR BUY THE LINE

very funny eBay listing...sm [2007-11-07]
Ever wondered what it is like taking six children to the grocery store? Even if you haven't and you need a good laugh,then take a look at this link for an ebay listing, it has got to be the funniest thing I have read in a while. After reading the description, keep scrolling down to read the comments.http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItemitem=130144061675ru=http% Then if you haven't laughed enough, go check out her blog page.........I'm still laughing!! http://mom2my6pack.blogspot.com/

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns [2007-10-24]
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs.. Sheila Usk Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter

A lil ha ha for the ladies .... [2007-10-22]
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN'S REVENGE Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked. No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes. He addressed the man, Can you name your wife's favorite flower? Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, It's Pillsbury, isn't it?--------------------------------------------------------------------------CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)--------------------------------------------------------------------------WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, Relatives of yours? Yep, the wife replied, in-laws.--------------------------------------------------------------------------WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, What?-------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATION A man said to his wife one day, I don't know how you can be so simple and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me simple so I would be attracted to you!--------------------------------------------------------------------------WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. Wife replies, No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. Husband replies, I can't believe that, show me. So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... HEBREWS--------------------------------------------------------------------------The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.--------------------------------------------------------------------------God may have created man before woman, but there is always a roughdraft before the masterpiece .

Man I'm tired! [2007-10-18]
MAN I'M TIRED! A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. - He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling pota toes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back. The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night.

All Men Are Perfect ....... [2007-10-05]
just kidding lol Read this and smile !!! WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN'S REVENGE Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked. No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes. He addressed the man, Can you name your wife's favorite flower? Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, It's Pillsbury, isn't it?--------------------------------------------------------------------------CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)--------------------------------------------------------------------------WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, Relatives of yours? Yep, the wife replied, in-laws.--------------------------------------------------------------------------WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, What?-------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATION A man said to his wife one day, I don't know how you can be so simple and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me simple so I would be attracted to you!--------------------------------------------------------------------------WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. Wife replies, No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. Husband replies, I can't believe that, show me. So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... HEBREWS--------------------------------------------------------------------------The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.--------------------------------------------------------------------------God may have created man before woman, but there is always a roughdraft before the masterpiece .