Eight Words with two Meanings

9 WORDS WOMEN USE [2008-03-10]
9 WORDS WOMEN USE (1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm.This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an id and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever'). (8)Whatever:Is a women's way of saying____YOU! (9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. * Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

Eight Words with two Meanings [2008-02-14]
v:* {} v:* { } The last part is the funniestEight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female....... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Full y opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. ! 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 8. REMOTE CONTROL ( ri- moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. AND; He said . .. . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said......Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said... We don't know; it has never happened. ! She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? He said... A widow. He said... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

25 words of wisdom [2007-07-21]
25 Words of Wisdom 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here. 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,Thyroid problem? 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. 6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:Buy one dog, get one flea... 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys. 15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect. 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have Schiffer Brains. 18. No one ever says It's only a game! when their team is winning. 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!

Actual HR meanings [2007-07-20]
COMPETITIVE SALARY We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY We have no time to train you.CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around.MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control.CAREER-MINDED Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).APPLY IN PERSON If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Adult words taken literally by children... [2007-02-26]
For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love thethings little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often takenliterally.....Circumcised (this is priceless!)A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class wassquirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.She went back to find out what was going on.He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was totelephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.He did and returned to his class.Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his deskwith his private part hanging out. I thought I told you to call your mom! she said. I did, he said, And she told me that if I could stick it out tillnoon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Gotta love this parrot! [2008-11-28]
The Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, May I ask what the turkey did? HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Out of Office Email Replies [2008-11-05]
Best Out of Office Automatic e-mail Replies:1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if Ifail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out ofthe office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anythingat all.3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having mybrain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged$5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-DUH-viduals did this over and over.) 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuingsystem. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive areply in approximately 19 weeks.8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.9. I've run away to join a different circus.10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Bill.

You got that right! [2008-08-13]
They have no idea, even when you have worked in the field for 15 years, one day you are doing an ESL and you get a new word to add to your knowledge base . . . Essofogus. That would need to go through your memory bank for all the medical words you know beginning with Eso . . . OH! Esophagus. Only experience gives you that magic. Or in QA when the MT notes a blank under labs, Sounds like three pastas in the urine. You have to come up with 3+. Don't you wish we had a Sounds Like dictionary? I think my next venture is to write that sounds like dictionary. haha.

Fun facts! [2008-05-29]
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig. ) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the..?!) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. 30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine? The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. ( If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone (and God love that pig)

Very funny dictations. [2008-04-18]
I has to post these. These are hysterical. I found them on Kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.html OKAY, NOW ON TO THE BLOOPERS!! ______________________________________First of all, here is my favorite -- a classic example of the pot calling the kettle black!!!He mumbles with lips that barely move and in fact is mostly unintelligible as to his intention with his words.______________________________________The next patient's name is Doe, John.... I'm not sure which is the first name and which is the last name, although I would imagine Doe would be the last name, unless it's John.______________________________________This is an 8-year-old child accompanied by her mother, who appears playful and interactive.______________________________________This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.______________________________________The patient's gait is normal. I am able to stand on her toes.______________________________________The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant.______________________________________The patient was cleaned copiously and steri-stripped. She was then dressed and discharged. ______________________________________This 50-year-old teacher is undergoing polysomnogram because of daytime sleepiness and difficulty staying asleep while teaching.______________________________________....painful cramps prior to her menses secondary to her period.______________________________________The other foot has the missing toes.______________________________________(Dictated on a patient with schizophrenia) The patients are alert and oriented.______________________________________He is an occasional smoker, smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day for the past 19 years.______________________________________ S: Patient comes in for ear pain. She is pain free.O: TMs and canals are normal.A: Normal knee exam.P: Reassurance. ______________________________________Blood loss from the procedure was less than 10 gallons.______________________________________First name Victor, spelled V as in Victor....______________________________________Preoperative diagnosis: Unexplained abdominal pain in the knee.______________________________________She is sexually active with one muscle.______________________________________GENITORECTAL: Surgically fused ankles bilaterally.______________________________________He denies falling asleep while driving during meals.______________________________________Patient has been married for 30 years, living at home with husband, and in the past has had dogs, cats, and children as pets.______________________________________The patient states that diarrhea tends to run in his family.______________________________________He is married with two spouses, ages 12 and 9.______________________________________Pelvic and Pap smear were done in my office in her vaginal area.______________________________________Also, on his right hand he has a left thumb dislocation.______________________________________She had difficulty completing simple calculations. For example, when I asked her what 3 times 3 plus 1 equals, she said 'ten'.______________________________________This 42-year-old woman who was discharged after four days of admission, four days after a four-day admission, was discharged and now returns.______________________________________Check out the whole list and more at http://kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.htm

9 WORDS WOMEN USE [2008-03-10]
9 WORDS WOMEN USE (1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm.This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an id and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever'). (8)Whatever:Is a women's way of saying____YOU! (9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. * Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

Red Skelton [2008-03-07]
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you willenjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Kentucky. 3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time! she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric Toaster and electric bread maker. She said There are too many gadgets, and no place To sit down! So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well Because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.She told me, In the lake. 8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late ? The driver said, No, jump in. 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her First name was ALWAYS. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, What's on the TV? I said, Dust! Can't you just hear him say all of these?.....those were the good old days When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple. And he always ended his programs with the words, God Bless

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH [2008-02-23]
#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_p.MsoNormal,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_li.MsoNormal,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_div.MsoNormal {margin-bottom:.0001pt;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:'Times New Roman';} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass a:link,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.MsoHyperlink {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass a:visited,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.EmailStyle17 {font-family:'Courier New';color:windowtext;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;} _filtered #yiv139594808 {} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_div.Section1 {} JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCHAttending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white? The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. The child thought about this for a moment then said, So why is the groom wearing black?~~~~~~~~~~~~A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either! ~~~~~~~~~~~~Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money! ~~~~~~~~~~~~An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.~~~~~~~~~~~~A police recruit was asked during the exam, What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He answered, Call for backup. ~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter.~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to Honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.~~~~~~~~~~~~At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, Johnny, what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

Ole and Lena [2008-02-23]
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.Lena replied, You yust put 'Ole died'.The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, Okay...You put...'Ole died. Boat for sale'.

Eight Words with two Meanings [2008-02-14]
v:* {} v:* { } The last part is the funniestEight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female....... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Full y opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. ! 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 8. REMOTE CONTROL ( ri- moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. AND; He said . .. . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said......Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said... We don't know; it has never happened. ! She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? He said... A widow. He said... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

LOL!! [2008-02-14]
I love sharing ASR funnies. It is amazing the liberty ASR takes with spoken words and starts a whole new line of thinking! I had 1 report where a linesman fell and fractured his leg. In the ER, while questioning the guy, he admitted to having his hardhat on along with other safety equipment. Well, ASR gotta hold of the hard in hardat and went onabout this poor guy and his hard-on and that he had fractured it !!! YOWZA!!!

You might be a transcriptionist if: [2008-01-03]
You might be a medical Transcriptionist if/when: The last book you read on vacation was a diagnostic guide to tendon injuries. Someone yells duck and you start typing d-U-c-t in midair. You start correcting people's grammar mistakes in a chat room dedicated to discussing movies and TV shows. You know your gluteus maximus from your olecranon process. Your favorite 3 words are end of dictation. You refer to making your holiday turkey as prepping and draping in the usual fashion. You guess the outcome of CSI in the first 5 minutes of the show after hearing the (not-so-mysterious) mysterious cause of death. You can't go into a doctor's office without asking the receptionist Who does your medical transcription? or commenting to your own doctor that you think he's a bad dictator and you feel sorry for the MT working for him. Your doctor tells you that you have a problem with your back but doesn't want to confuse you with the details and you ask him -- Were sagittal and coronal T1-weighted images performed and T2- and proton density-weighted images also obtained? You think percussion is something that belongs more in a medical report than in a rock band. You say to your honey, skip the flowers and chocolate for my birthday and get me the latest version of Stedman's Medical and Pharma spellchecker. You offer your landscaper 7 cents per line of grass for mowing your lawn. You press the left pedal in your car and you're surprised when the car doesn't go into reverse. Your neighbor comes to you to make a diagnosis based on a series of symptoms and advise them on whether to have surgery or not. (you refuse of course LOL) Your favorite quote is Acronyms bad, verbose originators good. You can fix stuck keys on your computer keyboard by turning it upside down and banging out the crumbs. You have a Mr. Coffee within arm's reach of your desk. The first place your husband and children look for you is at your desk rather than in the kitchen. Your husband and children wave their hand between your face and the computer screen to get your attention. You can fold laundry while sitting at your desk and listening to the latest dictator who speaks 5 words in 60 seconds... and still changes his mind 4 times on exactly how to put it. You step on people's feet to get them to repeat what they just said. You have a bladder capacity of more than a quart. You have a bookshelf by your desk in which no two books are the same color. Your dream is to someday have every book Stedman's makes. Your wrist rest has food spots on it. No one who doesn't know how to touch type can use your computer keyboard because at least half the keys have the letters worn off. Your friends have to learn your macro names in order to read your emails to them. Your husband and children have to learn your macro names in order to read the notes you write them. You are the only one in your family who can understand the clerks at the 7-11. You find watching only one TV screen at a time boring. You correct the pharmacist's spelling. It aggravates you that the keys on the telephone keypad are in a different order than the keys on the 10-key pad on your computer keyboard. You have a mini refrigerator sitting next to your computer tower. More than half the icons on your desktop have to do with drugs or dictionaries. There are more coffee cups in your office than there are in the kitchen. You have your Mr. Coffee plugged in to your UPS (battery backup). Your friends want you to go to their doctor appointments with them so you can act as an interpreter. You go to the doctor with your spouse who tells the doctor, She's a medical transcriptionist so I'll let her tell you what's wrong with me. To this, the doctor replies, OK...would you prefer to tell me or do you want to type it? You flip back and forth between work and newsgroups. You watch television commercials for prescription drugs very closely to see what the generic form is and how both are spelled. You get an invitation to something that specifies work attire and you wonder if that means fluffy slippers, flip flops - or if it would be okay to show up barefoot. You go to start the car to go to the grocery store and find the battery is dead. You don't know how long it's been dead.

Yeah, but you're still misspelling a lot. [2007-12-28]
It's 2 words. Joke's on you maybe?

Something to make you smile! [2007-12-23]
something to make you smile] If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour Don't try this at home, maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.... ..) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(What about that pig??) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone ! (and God love that pig!)

My Wish for You in 2008! It's different! [2007-12-21]
My Wish for You in 2008 May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words ............ May 2008 be the best year of your life!!!

Tax Poem...Not too funny..old poem [2007-12-05]
Taxes.... Tax his land,Tax his wage,Tax his bed in which he lays. Tax his tractor,Tax his mule,Teach him taxes is the rule. Tax his cow,Tax his goat,Tax his pants,Tax his coat.Tax his ties,Tax his shirts,Tax his work,Tax his dirtTax his tobacco,Tax his drink,Tax him if he tries to think.Tax his booze,Tax his beers,If he cries,Tax his tears.Tax his bills,Tax his gas,Tax his notes,Tax his cash.Tax him good and let him knowThat after taxes, he has no dough.If he hollers,Tax him more,Tax him until he's good and sore.Tax his coffin,Tax his grave,Tax the sod in which he lays. Put these words upon his tomb,Taxes drove me to my doom!And when he's gone,We won't relax,We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!! Accounts Receivable TaxBuilding Permit TaxCDL License TaxCigarette TaxCorporate Income TaxDog License TaxFederal Income TaxFederal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)Fishing License TaxF ood License TaxFuel Perm it TaxGasoline TaxHunting License TaxInheritance TaxInventory TaxIRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),Liquor Tax,Luxury Tax,Marriage License Tax,Medicare Tax,Property Tax,Real Estate Tax,Service charge taxes,Social Security Tax,Road Usage Tax (Truckers),Sales Taxes,Recreational Vehicle Tax,School Tax,State Income Tax,State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),Telephone Federal Excise Tax,Telephone Federal Universal Service Fe e Tax,Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,TelephoneStateand Local Tax,Telephone Usage Charge Tax,Utility Tax,Vehicle License Registration Tax,Vehicle Sales Tax,Watercraft Registration Tax,Well Permit Tax,Workers Compensation Tax.STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'And I still have to press1 for English.I hope this goes around THEUSA at least 100 timesWhat the heck happened?????

Why Boys Need Parents [2007-11-20]
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late. 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy. 11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12.) Super glue is forever. 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time. 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. 25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

Several Short Jokes! Enjoy! [2007-11-19]
CHUCKLES FOR COUPLES AND OTHERS... My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, theytake your house and car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way tooqualified for the job. Look Miss, said the foreman, have you any actual experience inpicking lemons? Well, as a matter if fact, yes! she replied.? I've been divorcedthree times. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he hasbeen living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact wordsthat were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into thecheck-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forwardlooked into the cart and asked sweetly, So which six items would youlike to buy? Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderlyneighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for atable. Young man, we're both 90 years old, the husband said . We maynot have 45 minutes. They were seated immediately. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they wouldhate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down theaisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissedher father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Eventhe priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, thebride gave him back his credit card. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax andget used to the idea. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three friends from the local congregation were asked, When you're inyour casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,what would you like them to say? Artie said: I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a finespiritual leader, and a great family man. Eugene commented: I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacherand servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives. Al said: I'd like them to say, Look, he's moving! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... God, what does a million years mean toyou? The Lord replies, A minute. Smith asks, And what does a million dollars mean to you? The Lord replies, A penny. Smith asks, Can I have a penny? The Lord replies, In a minute. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. Give me one last request, dear, he said. Of course, John, his wife said softly. Six months after I die, he said, I want you to marry Bob. But I thought you hated Bob, she said. With his last breath John said, I do! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes to see the Rabbi. Rabbi, something terrible is happening andI have to talk to you about it. The Rabbi asked, What's wrong? The man replied, My wife is poisoning me. The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be? The man then pleads, I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do? The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see whatI can find out and I'll let you know. A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, Well, I spoke to yourwife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want myadvice? The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, Take the poison!

Yes, the term is correct; it just strikes the OP (sm) [2007-11-18]
as amusing. She started another thread, I think on the Gab Board, on words that are gross. She's just having fun with words.

I hope this is a joke - actual Craigslist post [2007-11-18]
Book wrighter, XXXX area Reply to: job-XXXXXXXX@craigslist.org Date: 2007-11-14, 11:43PM EST I NEED AN INDIVIDUAL TO HELP ME PUT MY WORDS IN TO BOOK FORM.I AM TERABLE WITH GRAMMER AND SPELLING,BUT I HAVE TWO BOOK IDEAS THAT I WANT TO BRING TO MARKET. THE FIRST BOOK IS A MOTAVATIONAL/SELF HELP BOOK. THE SECOND IS A CHRISTIAN BASED BOOK. I SPEEK PUBLICLY ON BOTH SUBJECTS,I AM SHARING THAT BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS NOT A SHOT IN THE DARK. THE PERSON I AM LOOKING FOR MUST HAVE A CREATIVE MIND AND A GOOD EYE FOR DETAIL. SCEDULE IS FLEXABLE PLEAS RESPOND BY EMAIL OR CALL 919-xxx-xxxx PS:I APOLAGIZE FOR ANY MISS SPELLED WORDS THERE IS NOT A SPELL CHECK FETURE ON CRAIGS LIST. * Compensation: BUY THE HR. OR BUY THE LINE

A lil ha ha for the ladies .... [2007-10-22]
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN'S REVENGE Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked. No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes. He addressed the man, Can you name your wife's favorite flower? Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, It's Pillsbury, isn't it?--------------------------------------------------------------------------CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)--------------------------------------------------------------------------WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, Relatives of yours? Yep, the wife replied, in-laws.--------------------------------------------------------------------------WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, What?-------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATION A man said to his wife one day, I don't know how you can be so simple and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me simple so I would be attracted to you!--------------------------------------------------------------------------WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. Wife replies, No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. Husband replies, I can't believe that, show me. So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... HEBREWS--------------------------------------------------------------------------The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.--------------------------------------------------------------------------God may have created man before woman, but there is always a roughdraft before the masterpiece .

Ultimate Female Joke [2007-10-17]
Ultimate Female Joke. It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it. A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off of him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00................on one condition Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her Address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.............. * * * * * Clean my house.

Little Tony [2007-10-07]
LITTLE TONY ON MATH A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little TONY. He replies, None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot. The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then little TONY says, I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. To which Little TONY replied, The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking. LITTLE TONY ON MATH LittleTONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. Why? asks the father? The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said 6, replies TONY. But that's right! says his dad. Yeah, but then she asked me How much is 3x2?' What's the f*cking difference? asks the father. That's what I said! LITTLETONY ON ENGLISH Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word? TONY says Mas-tur-bate. Miss Rogers smiles and says, Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful. LittleTONY says, No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of ablow-job. LITTLETONY ON GRAMMAR LittleTONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, Miss Jones, I need to take a p*ss!! The teacher replied, Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in asentence correctly, and I will allow you to go. Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN! LITTLETONY ON GRAMMAR (Part2) Oneday, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of handsfrom those who could use the word beautiful in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it. Very good, Suzie, replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully. She said, Excellent, Michael! Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY. Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!' LITTLETONY ON GETTING OLDER Little TONY wassitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat. Little TONY replied, My grandfather lived to be 107 years old. The man asked, Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time? Little TONY answered, No, he minded his own f*cking business! I LOVE Little Tony ...

All Men Are Perfect ....... [2007-10-05]
just kidding lol Read this and smile !!! WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN'S REVENGE Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked. No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes. He addressed the man, Can you name your wife's favorite flower? Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, It's Pillsbury, isn't it?--------------------------------------------------------------------------CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)--------------------------------------------------------------------------WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, Relatives of yours? Yep, the wife replied, in-laws.--------------------------------------------------------------------------WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, What?-------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATION A man said to his wife one day, I don't know how you can be so simple and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me simple so I would be attracted to you!--------------------------------------------------------------------------WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. Wife replies, No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. Husband replies, I can't believe that, show me. So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... HEBREWS--------------------------------------------------------------------------The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.--------------------------------------------------------------------------God may have created man before woman, but there is always a roughdraft before the masterpiece .

Sumbich [2007-09-20]
Subject: SUMBICH A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising h-e-double hockey sticks. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,No, that's okay I don't want it, said Leroy. The rich man said, Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then? No thanks, I don't want it, answered Leroy. The host said, Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, Well, Leroy, then what do you want? Leroy said, I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool! See what's new at AOL.com and Make AOL Your Homepage.