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Festive Fruitcake Recipe [2007-12-28]
Merry Christmas to all and to all a nood gight, I mean good night *hic*Festive Fruitcake Recipe1 cup water1 cup sugar4 large eggs2 cups dried fruit1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts1 gallon whiskey[Note: Rum may be substituted for whiskey.]1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.2. Take a large bowl.3. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. 3. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.4. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.5. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.6. Turn off mixer.7. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 8. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.9. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.10. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?11. Check the whiskey.12. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.13. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.14. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.15. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of he window. 16. Check the whiskey again.17 Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
Red Skelton [2008-03-07]
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you willenjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Kentucky. 3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time! she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric Toaster and electric bread maker. She said There are too many gadgets, and no place To sit down! So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well Because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.She told me, In the lake. 8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late ? The driver said, No, jump in. 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her First name was ALWAYS. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, What's on the TV? I said, Dust! Can't you just hear him say all of these?.....those were the good old days When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple. And he always ended his programs with the words, God Bless
Festive Fruitcake Recipe [2007-12-28]
Merry Christmas to all and to all a nood gight, I mean good night *hic*Festive Fruitcake Recipe1 cup water1 cup sugar4 large eggs2 cups dried fruit1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts1 gallon whiskey[Note: Rum may be substituted for whiskey.]1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.2. Take a large bowl.3. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. 3. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.4. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.5. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.6. Turn off mixer.7. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 8. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.9. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.10. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?11. Check the whiskey.12. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.13. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.14. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.15. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of he window. 16. Check the whiskey again.17 Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
Understanding a woman [2007-08-19]
Understanding a Woman
We need REALLY MEANS I want
You want REALLY MEANS You need
It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.
You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I don't want you to seemy body.
This kitchen is sosmall. REALLY MEANS I want a new house.
You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.
Yes REALLY MEANS No
No REALLY MEANS No
Maybe REALLY MEANS No
Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.
Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm not fat.
I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANSOf courseI am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish? REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
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