For those with lots of dogs.

For those with lots of dogs. [2008-02-08]
Dear Dogs,When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:1. They live here. You don't.2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.3. I like my pet better than I like most people.4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.Sincerely,Your Owner

we need all dogs going to heaven [2006-09-15]
nm

Cows, Geopolitics, and Big Business [2008-11-18]
From http://www.extremelysmart.com/humor/cowsexplain.php © 2008 Jerry A. Merchant and Mary W. Matthews **** Confused about the difference between socialism, Communism, and the politics of huge corporations? This basic “dictionary” may help. Feudalism: You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream. Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of your cows and gives it to your neighbor. You're both forced to join a cooperative where you have to teach your neighbor how to take care of his cow. Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as its regulations say you should need. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for you share of the milk, but it's so long that the milk is sour by the time you get it. Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair Cowgate. The cows are set free. Democracy, Democrat-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being so successful. You vote politicians into office who tax your cows, which forces you to sell one to pay the tax. The politicians use the tax money to buy a cow for your neighbor. You feel good. Barbra Streisand sings for you. Democracy, Republican-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You move to a better neighborhood. Indian Democracy: You have two cows. You worship them. British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, and a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry. Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. Capitalism: You have two cows. You lay one off, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when she drops dead. Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. Hong Kong Capitalism (alias Enron Capitalism): You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute an debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Isands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad. Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. Foreign Policy, American-Style: You have two cows. The government taxes them and uses the money to buy a cow for a poor farmer a country ruled by a dictator. The farmer has no hay to feed the cow and his religion forbids him from eating it. The cow dies. The man dies. The dictator confiscates the dead man's farm and sells it, using the money to purchase US military equipment. The President declares the program a success and announces closer ties with our new ally. Bureaucracy, American-Style: You have two cows but you have to kill one of them because the government will only give you a license for one of them. The license requires you to sell all your milk to the government, which uses it to make cheese. The government pays lots of money to store the cheese in refrigerated warehouses. When the cheese spoils, the government distributes it to the poor. The poor get sick from the cheese, go to the emergency room, and are turned away because they have no health insurance. The President declares the program a success and reminds us that we have the finest health care system in the world. American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one to a subsidiary company and lease it back to yourself so you can declare it as a tax loss. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. You inject the cows with drugs and they produce four times the normal amount of milk. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. When the drugs cause one of the cows to drop dead you announce to the press that you have down-sized, reducing expenses by 50 percent. The company stock goes up and your bosses give you a huge bonus. You lay off all your workers and move your production facilities to Mexico. You get a huge bonus. You contribute some of your profit to the President's re-election campaign. The President announces tax cuts for corporations in order to stimulate the economy. Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You teach the cows to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Your cows always get higher test scores than cows in the U.S. or Europe, but they drink a lot of sake. German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year and are very expensive to repair. Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and discover you really have five cows! You have more vodka. You count them again and discover you have 42 cows! You stop counting cows and have some more vodka. The Russian Mafia arrives and takes over all your cows. You have more vodka. Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you can't find them. While searching for them you meet a beautiful woman, take her out to lunch and then make love to her. Life is good. French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want another cow, more vacation and shorter work weeks. The French government announces that it will never agree to your demands. You go to lunch and eat fabulous food and drink wonderful wine. While you are at lunch, the airline pilots and flight controllers join your strike, shutting down all air traffic. The truckers block all the roads and the dock workers block all the ports. By dinner time the French government announces it agrees with all your demands. Life is good. Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of ownership is an outdated symbol of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. They get married and adopt a calf. Counterculturalism: Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk. Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Grandma still drives !! [2008-08-27]
GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!! Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her owncar. She writes:Dear Grand-daughter,The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honkif you love Jesus' bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughtabout the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light hadchanged.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,I'd never have noticed.I found that lots of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, andthen he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!''Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all thoseloving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard himyelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuckup in the air.I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment thatthey got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is whenI noticed the light had changed.So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove onthrough the intersection.I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leavethem after all the love we had shared.So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,Love, Grandma

Very funny dictations. [2008-04-18]
I has to post these. These are hysterical. I found them on Kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.html OKAY, NOW ON TO THE BLOOPERS!! ______________________________________First of all, here is my favorite -- a classic example of the pot calling the kettle black!!!He mumbles with lips that barely move and in fact is mostly unintelligible as to his intention with his words.______________________________________The next patient's name is Doe, John.... I'm not sure which is the first name and which is the last name, although I would imagine Doe would be the last name, unless it's John.______________________________________This is an 8-year-old child accompanied by her mother, who appears playful and interactive.______________________________________This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.______________________________________The patient's gait is normal. I am able to stand on her toes.______________________________________The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant.______________________________________The patient was cleaned copiously and steri-stripped. She was then dressed and discharged. ______________________________________This 50-year-old teacher is undergoing polysomnogram because of daytime sleepiness and difficulty staying asleep while teaching.______________________________________....painful cramps prior to her menses secondary to her period.______________________________________The other foot has the missing toes.______________________________________(Dictated on a patient with schizophrenia) The patients are alert and oriented.______________________________________He is an occasional smoker, smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day for the past 19 years.______________________________________ S: Patient comes in for ear pain. She is pain free.O: TMs and canals are normal.A: Normal knee exam.P: Reassurance. ______________________________________Blood loss from the procedure was less than 10 gallons.______________________________________First name Victor, spelled V as in Victor....______________________________________Preoperative diagnosis: Unexplained abdominal pain in the knee.______________________________________She is sexually active with one muscle.______________________________________GENITORECTAL: Surgically fused ankles bilaterally.______________________________________He denies falling asleep while driving during meals.______________________________________Patient has been married for 30 years, living at home with husband, and in the past has had dogs, cats, and children as pets.______________________________________The patient states that diarrhea tends to run in his family.______________________________________He is married with two spouses, ages 12 and 9.______________________________________Pelvic and Pap smear were done in my office in her vaginal area.______________________________________Also, on his right hand he has a left thumb dislocation.______________________________________She had difficulty completing simple calculations. For example, when I asked her what 3 times 3 plus 1 equals, she said 'ten'.______________________________________This 42-year-old woman who was discharged after four days of admission, four days after a four-day admission, was discharged and now returns.______________________________________Check out the whole list and more at http://kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.htm

Thought you would have fun with this! [2008-03-10]
This was interesting. Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are True descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real Deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets Worse from there.Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.AQUARIUS- The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.PISCES- The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative.May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.ARIES- The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of badLuck if you do not forwardGEMINI- The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.CANCER- The Protector (June 21 - July 22)Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LEO- The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.VIRGO- The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to.Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LIBRA- The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SCORPIO- The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SAGITTARIUS- The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14 years of bad luck if you do not forwardSend away!!~ Ready . set............ GO!1-3 people= 1 minute of luck4-7 people= 1 hour of luck8-12 people = 1 day of luck13-17 People = 1 week of luck18-22 people = 1 month of luck23-27 people = 3 Months of luck28-32 people = 7 months of luck33-37 people = 1 year of luck

Life and Sex After Death (kinda old joke!) [2008-03-04]
Subject: Life and sex After Death The couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was noafterlife.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True tohisword, he made contact, Connie....Connie.Is that you, Joe?Yes, I've come back like we agreed.That's wonderful! What's it like?Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and thenit'soff to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun andthenhave sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp aroundthegolf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. Aftersupper, it's back to golf course again.Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleepandthen the next day it starts all over again. Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .

Cutesy Valentine Story... [2008-02-15]
Why moms are smarter than dads One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me andmy brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one anda half years old and had just recovered from an accident in whichmy arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and itwas one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living roomengrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearbyin the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' whichwas just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise forsuch yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait inthe living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with acup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reachto get water is the toilet”?

I'm an old cowhand.... [2008-02-14]
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, Are you a real cowboy? He replied, Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy. She said, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women. The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, Are you a real cowboy? He replied, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian .

For those with lots of dogs. [2008-02-08]
Dear Dogs,When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:1. They live here. You don't.2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.3. I like my pet better than I like most people.4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.Sincerely,Your Owner

Grandparents! (with pictures) Something nice! [2008-01-20]
GRANDPARENTS Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret Grandmothers are just 'antique' little girls. ~Author Unknown Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Grandfathers have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Ogden Nash Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.. ~Author unknown Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. ~Author Unknown If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no fun for old people like it! ~ Hannah Whithall Smith It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown Grandchildren are nature’s way of compensating us for growing old. ~Mary H. Waldrip You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Proverb An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida . ~Dave Barry I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense. ~Gene Perret Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice. ~Author Unknown A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,' you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are nature’s gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie

Are you going to start giving [2007-12-30]
your spiders coffee and alcohol now? LOL. I was just looking at the YouTubes that were coming up at the first window, and as you make choices it changes the ones being offered, and of course I always go for the animal ones. So I watched a couple of ones that were titled 'cats on drugs' or 'dogs on drugs,' and then this one came up.

A child's view of the world.... [2007-12-07]
Subject:A child's view of the world......- She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye! My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, Did you start at 1? After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was THAT? A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are we alike? You're both old, he replied. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself! When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure. Look in your underwear, Grandpa, he advised. mine says I'm four to six. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That's interesting, she said, how do you make babies? It's simple, replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'. Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. Don't you know what pregnant means? she asked. Sure, said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one child. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrants..

1st Grade Logic! [2007-11-27]
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than Pregnant

Questions That Haunt Me???!! [2007-11-26]
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME???? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a (deleted)song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? If the professor onGilligan'sIslandcan make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song, Bah bah Black Sheep,andTwinkle, Twinkle Little Starhave the same tune? Why did you just try singing the songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Do you ever wonder why you gave meyour e-mail address in thefirstPLACE

Why Boys Need Parents [2007-11-20]
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late. 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy. 11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12.) Super glue is forever. 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time. 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. 25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

Several Short Jokes! Enjoy! [2007-11-19]
CHUCKLES FOR COUPLES AND OTHERS... My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, theytake your house and car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way tooqualified for the job. Look Miss, said the foreman, have you any actual experience inpicking lemons? Well, as a matter if fact, yes! she replied.? I've been divorcedthree times. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he hasbeen living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact wordsthat were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into thecheck-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forwardlooked into the cart and asked sweetly, So which six items would youlike to buy? Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderlyneighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for atable. Young man, we're both 90 years old, the husband said . We maynot have 45 minutes. They were seated immediately. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they wouldhate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down theaisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissedher father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Eventhe priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, thebride gave him back his credit card. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax andget used to the idea. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three friends from the local congregation were asked, When you're inyour casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,what would you like them to say? Artie said: I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a finespiritual leader, and a great family man. Eugene commented: I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacherand servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives. Al said: I'd like them to say, Look, he's moving! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... God, what does a million years mean toyou? The Lord replies, A minute. Smith asks, And what does a million dollars mean to you? The Lord replies, A penny. Smith asks, Can I have a penny? The Lord replies, In a minute. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. Give me one last request, dear, he said. Of course, John, his wife said softly. Six months after I die, he said, I want you to marry Bob. But I thought you hated Bob, she said. With his last breath John said, I do! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes to see the Rabbi. Rabbi, something terrible is happening andI have to talk to you about it. The Rabbi asked, What's wrong? The man replied, My wife is poisoning me. The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be? The man then pleads, I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do? The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see whatI can find out and I'll let you know. A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, Well, I spoke to yourwife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want myadvice? The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, Take the poison!

Catholic Elementary School Test [2007-09-25]
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU ARE EVEN REMOTELY FAMILIAR WITH HOLY SCRIPTURE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A ROMAN CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLDAND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS . 8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA .. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNACARTA. 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.. 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACR IMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

This one's for all the pet owners out there.... [2007-09-18]
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's backside. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it furniture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3. Are easier to train 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college. And finally, 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Diet [2007-08-23]
The Pasta Diet and Your Health ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !! 1.. You walka pasta DA bakery. 2.. You walka pasta DA candy store. 3.. You walka pasta DA Ice Cream shop. 4... You walka pasta DA table and fridge. You will lose weight! AND...... CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET? For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The I talians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

WARNING: This is really gross but it's really funny so read it anyway! [2007-08-22]
Since I'm sure we're on someone's poop list- (isn't that how it works??)I thought I'd send you a REAL poop list!!! Be prepared to LAUGH! :) The “Ghost” Poop The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there’s no poop in the bowl. The “Clean” Poop The kind where you feel the poop come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there’s no poop on the paper. The “Wet” Poop You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with skid marks. The “Second Wave” Poop This poop usually happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poop some more. The “Brain Hemorrhage” Poop You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. The “Corn Cob” Poop No explanation necessary. The “Lincoln Log” Poop The kind of poopie that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. The “Notorious Drinker” Poop The kind of poop you have the morning-after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. The “Gee, I Really Wish I Could” Poop The kind where you want to poop but, even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped and farting. (very frustrating if you’re using a pay toilet.) The “Power Dump” Poop The kind that comes out so fast that you barely get your pants down when you’re done. The “Liquid Plumber” Poop This kind of poop is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the “Lincoln Log” poop.) The “Spinal Tap” Poop The kind of poop that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways. The “I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Asshole” Poop Similar to the “Lincoln Log” and “Spinal Tap” poop. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterward. The “Porridge” Poop The type of poop that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. The “I Think I’m Turning into a Bunny” Poop When you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. The “I’m Going to Chew my Food Better” Poop When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates your insides on the way out. The “What the Heck Died in Here” Poop Also sometimes referred to as the “Toxic Dump” poop. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air. The “I Just Know There’s a Turd Still Hanging There” Poop Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe it now, it’s going to smear all over the place. The “Fire In the Bowl” Poop The kind of poop that singes the hair around your butt from the big feed of Mexican food the night before.

Grandchildren's Logic [2007-08-19]
Grandchildren's Logic My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, Did you start at 1? ************************************************************ After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was THAT? *********************************************************** A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! ********************************************************** A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. *************************************************************** A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife. ******************************************************** Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, What caused the submarine to sink? With a look of incredulity Mark replied, Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!! ********************************************************** When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. ******************************************************* When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure. Look in your underwear, Grandma, he advised. Mine says I'm four to six. ******************************************************* A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That's interesting, she said, How do you make babies? It's simple, replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es' ********************************************************** Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. Don't you know what pregnant means? she asked. Sure, said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child. ************************************************************ A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one youngster. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrant.

Liver and Cheese [2007-06-17]
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, Girl Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me. The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, I love liver and cheese. Oh, how childish, said the Girl Poodle. That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever. She turns to the tall,shiny Golden Retriever and says How well can you do? Um. I HATE liver and cheese, blurts the Golden Retriever. My, my, said the Poodle. I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence. She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, How about you, little guy?The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua . He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ..... Liver alone. Cheese mine.(picture won't show up - it's of a chihuaua. (sp?)

I agree...I would bet that hbmt has poked fun--sm [2007-06-08]
at lots of other people, but that is okay, because she is doing it! Jokes are made about the president every single day and HE doesn't get upset about it.

Human/grizzly bear conflicts. [2007-06-03]
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper-spray.

Hey and remember when a sterile needle sm [2007-04-03]
was a sewing needle held over a match by mom or pop? That's how they got the rocks out of my knees! No staph infections for me, just lots of hydrogen peroxide and if I didn't care for that, it was alcohol. I learned how to clean my own boo boos.

The Joy of Sons [2007-01-26]
For those of you who have sons those of you who are happy that you don't. 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a base ball hit by a ceiling fan. 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words uh oh, it's already too late. 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy. 11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12.) Super glue is forever. 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15.) VCR's do not eject PB J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time. 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. 25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.