How to save the airlines

How to save the airlines [2008-05-08]
How to save the airlines Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the heck -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a party atmosphere going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and special services. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton

Misha, I tried the link post.This will save a lot of time. Thanks you! nm [2008-01-26]
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Retirement plan [2008-07-16]
Retirement plans compared... If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Retirement plans compared... If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan. Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

How to save the airlines [2008-05-08]
How to save the airlines Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the heck -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a party atmosphere going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and special services. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton

Love in a Mental Hospital [2008-04-09]
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped Into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tel l Edna the news she said, Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead. Edna replied, He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. ? How soon can I go home?

Love in a Mental Hospital [2008-04-09]
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped Into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tel l Edna the news she said, Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead. Edna replied, He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. ? How soon can I go home?

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale [2008-04-06]
This one's for the single gals! Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the heck she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. THE END

Self CPR (Not a Joke) passing it along... [2008-02-20]
Subject: FW: self CPR Good information to know…. What are you to do if you have a heart attack while you are alone. If you've already received this, it means people care about you The Johnson City Medical Center staff actually discovered this And did an in-depth study on it in our ICU The two individuals that Discovered this then did an article on it . Had it published and have Even had it incorporated into ACLS and CPR classes. It is very true and has and does work. It is called cough CPR. A cardiologist says it's the truth ... For your info If everyone who gets This sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life. Read This...It could save your life! Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. And you're driving home (alone of course), after an usually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course, Didn't tell you what to do if it happened to yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack , This article seemed to be in order. Without help, the person Whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, Has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, As when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let up until help arrives, Or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives! From Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240s newsletter AND THE BEAT GOES ON (reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc. Publication, Heart Response)

Walking the Dog.... [2007-12-07]
Walking the Dog A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs? The blind lady replied, No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs. Picture this:All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

In Honor of Not Very Smart People... [2007-12-05]
In Honour of Not Very Smart People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through nonsmartness (the S***** word is a bad word), here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods ....... On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- Do not turn upside down. (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) ========================== On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts. (talk about a news flash) =========================== On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) ========================== On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating. (...and you thought????...) ======================= On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) ==================================== On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) =========================== On a bar of Dial soap -- Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be???....) ============================ On some Swanson frozen dinners -- Serving suggestion: Defrost. (but, it's just a suggestion.) ======================== On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- Do not iron clothes on body. (but wouldn't this save me time?) ============================== On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness. (..I'm taking this because???....) ============================== On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to what?) ========================== On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use. (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) ============================== On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (Step 3: say what?) =========================== On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) ======================== On a Swedish chainsaw -- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) =========================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...

Pages from 1971 catalog. [2007-11-25]
The pictures are hilarious, sadly familiar to me - I remember all these UGLY, UGLY clothes, even though I was only 8 at the time. And my mom was making our ugly dresses and pantsuits to save money. The fabrics were just awful. I see the skates they bought us were around $3.00. My Dad's bicycle is there too.

That was very fun, but [2007-10-29]
I couldn't see a way to save it and send the completed picture anywhere. It was a masterpiece, LOL. I plan to send it to my sister, and I think my niece will want to send me her masterpiece also. Is there a way?

Choosing a wife [2007-10-14]
what a hoot...j Choosing a wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, then dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much Again, the man is impressed.The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with either of them. If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

ROFL!!! Here are still a few more... [2007-09-02]
THE CROWD PLEASER: This is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE MOOD ENHANCER: This occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL: This occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE AFTERSHOCK: This has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE HONEYMOON'S OVER: This is any poopie created in the presence of another person THE FLOATER: Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE PEEK-A-BOO: Now you see it, now you don't. This poopie is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE SNAKE CHARMER: A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position -- usually harmless. THE PERFECT POOPIE: Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it. THE CHILI POOPIE: Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili poopie stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield. THE CABLE POOPIE: Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from? you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself. THE SPLASH BACK POOPIE: You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping. THE ABORTED POOPIE: You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do. THE MACHINE GUN POOPIE: You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...freakin' commies. THE HOUDINI POOPIE: You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in. THE GRAFFITI POOPIE: You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there...love it or leave it. It's your choice. THE BORN AGAIN POOPIE: This is a dump that's going so badly, you say Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth ...you forget the pain quickly. THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

Naming the newborns. [2007-06-17]
Naming the newborns A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children. When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names. When he came in to see her she asked, So what names did you choose for my children? He replied, The first born was a girl. Oh, started the woman, and what did you name her?? Denise, answered her brother. The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, Hey, that's not half bad! She exclaimed to her brother. And what did you name the second child? She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child. Well, the next born was a boy, her brother informed her. Yes, and what did you name him?? inquired the woman. Replied the brother, Denephew.

Mexican Oysters [2007-04-19]
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, What is that you just served? The waiter replied, Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones DE Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! The cowboy said, What the heck, bring me an order. The waiter replied, I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy. The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday. The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Snoring... [2007-03-28]
SNORING Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat inthe mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Dave because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first deputy slept with Dave and comes tobreakfast the next morning with his hair a mess andhis eyes all bloodshot. They said, Man, whathappened to you? He said, Dave snored so loudly,I just sat up and watched him all night. The next night it was a different deputy's turn.In the morning, same thing hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, Man, what happenedto you? You look awful! He said, Man, that Daveshakes the roof. I watched him all night. The third night was Bob's turn. Bob was a big burly bus driver; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.Good morning. They couldn't believe it! Theysaid, Man, what happened?He said, Well, we got ready for bed. I went andtucked Dave into bed and kissed him good night. Hesat up and watched me all night long.

Lawyers [2006-12-23]
LAWYERS The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet! What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice. What do you have when you've got 50 lawyers buried in sand up to their chins? Not enough sand.