I am so sorry. I look at these after I post

I loved Red, great post [2008-03-08]
I enjoyed this post. It was a nice trip down memory lane when comedy was truly comedy.

Your post is just as funny as the video. nm [2008-01-31]
!

Misha, I tried the link post.This will save a lot of time. Thanks you! nm [2008-01-26]
x

I just read your message and I will find them and post the web addresses. Thanks nm [2008-01-23]
nm

I am so sorry. I look at these after I post [2008-01-22]
and they came up when I went back to Comedy Stop and clicked on them. This one with monkeys are showing up for me. Maybe there is a computer guru out there that can help me out. I get so many of these cute e-mails, I like to share them and make you laugh at one of them anyway!! I'ss see if I can find this one on the web and post a copy and paste web site! I noticed the one for Having a bad day? didn't come up. That makes me mad. I thought the pictures were showing up on all of them now.

Old Ain't For Sissies - If pictures don't post, I'll repost another time [2008-01-22]
Why am I getting more and more of these old age Emails? Old Ain't For Sissies!! An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away. A gentleman approached her said, Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind? Yes, I know, said the lady. But I need my hands to hold onto my hat. But madam, he said, you must know that you're derriere is exposed! The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!

Old post I just read! Hope it's okay to copy it and repost it! Funny! [2008-01-03]
Accidentally found this and I can't stop laughing! I hope it's okay to copy and post it again for those of you that have forgotten it or have never seen it! Too funny! Too Cute [2007-05-09] A visiting minister spoke eloquently during the offertory prayer. Dear Lord, he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, without you we are but dust... He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, Mom, what is butt dust?

Thanks mahney! That makes the post [2007-12-19]
so worthwhile! Have a great time with it! Mission accomplished! By the way, there was another post that had a Christmas Card and beautiful music. You and your granddaughter would like it too! http://ecard.ashland.edu/index.php?ecardYear=2004adm

I hope this is a joke - actual Craigslist post [2007-11-18]
Book wrighter, XXXX area Reply to: job-XXXXXXXX@craigslist.org Date: 2007-11-14, 11:43PM EST I NEED AN INDIVIDUAL TO HELP ME PUT MY WORDS IN TO BOOK FORM.I AM TERABLE WITH GRAMMER AND SPELLING,BUT I HAVE TWO BOOK IDEAS THAT I WANT TO BRING TO MARKET. THE FIRST BOOK IS A MOTAVATIONAL/SELF HELP BOOK. THE SECOND IS A CHRISTIAN BASED BOOK. I SPEEK PUBLICLY ON BOTH SUBJECTS,I AM SHARING THAT BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS NOT A SHOT IN THE DARK. THE PERSON I AM LOOKING FOR MUST HAVE A CREATIVE MIND AND A GOOD EYE FOR DETAIL. SCEDULE IS FLEXABLE PLEAS RESPOND BY EMAIL OR CALL 919-xxx-xxxx PS:I APOLAGIZE FOR ANY MISS SPELLED WORDS THERE IS NOT A SPELL CHECK FETURE ON CRAIGS LIST. * Compensation: BUY THE HR. OR BUY THE LINE

That's cool! Thanks for the post! [2007-10-24]
s

You should also post on Gab Board sm [2007-07-10]
These are the kinds of things that make so many smile, just like it did for me.

Don't Be Afraid to Post Now! [2007-06-09]
Isincerely hope that we are not reluctant to post on this comedy board because of a few spoil sports. Listen, if you are going to be offended so easily, DO NOT READ THESE POSTS. I, for one, enjoy the humor. Please don't let these fools keep you from sharing your humor with the rest of us!

Don't be afraid to post now! [2007-06-09]
I sincerely hope that we are not reluctant to post on this comedy board because of a few spoil sports. Listen, if you are going to be offended so easily, DO NOT READ THESE POSTS. I, for one, enjoy the humor. Please don't let these fools keep you from sharing your humor with the rest of us!

Are you for real? I didn't know there was a similar post from TWO MONTHS ago!!!! [2006-11-09]
Are you the board stalker? lol

I know this is an old post, but you forgot one... [2006-10-11]
if you have to fly, please don't forget to dictate while the plane is taking off or to have not uploaded your last dictation so others can scream about where they are while you are MIA!!!

Well, I laughed hysterically when I read you first post! LOL! [2006-09-17]
x

thanks for that lengthy post but some of us still [2006-09-15]
relaxing a bit is quite good for one's health! Have a nice day/evening!!

that's comedy board [2008-11-12]
come here to get a laugh and find more and more of this kind of ranting and raving. shame on you all...at least post it on the politics board!

I had a funny dictation [2008-10-15]
I was going to post this the other day but got to busy with work. My doc actually said.... The patient has extreme pain with moving his shoulders above his head All I could think of was, yup, that would cause me extreme pain too.

Very funny dictations. [2008-04-18]
I has to post these. These are hysterical. I found them on Kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.html OKAY, NOW ON TO THE BLOOPERS!! ______________________________________First of all, here is my favorite -- a classic example of the pot calling the kettle black!!!He mumbles with lips that barely move and in fact is mostly unintelligible as to his intention with his words.______________________________________The next patient's name is Doe, John.... I'm not sure which is the first name and which is the last name, although I would imagine Doe would be the last name, unless it's John.______________________________________This is an 8-year-old child accompanied by her mother, who appears playful and interactive.______________________________________This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.______________________________________The patient's gait is normal. I am able to stand on her toes.______________________________________The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant.______________________________________The patient was cleaned copiously and steri-stripped. She was then dressed and discharged. ______________________________________This 50-year-old teacher is undergoing polysomnogram because of daytime sleepiness and difficulty staying asleep while teaching.______________________________________....painful cramps prior to her menses secondary to her period.______________________________________The other foot has the missing toes.______________________________________(Dictated on a patient with schizophrenia) The patients are alert and oriented.______________________________________He is an occasional smoker, smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day for the past 19 years.______________________________________ S: Patient comes in for ear pain. She is pain free.O: TMs and canals are normal.A: Normal knee exam.P: Reassurance. ______________________________________Blood loss from the procedure was less than 10 gallons.______________________________________First name Victor, spelled V as in Victor....______________________________________Preoperative diagnosis: Unexplained abdominal pain in the knee.______________________________________She is sexually active with one muscle.______________________________________GENITORECTAL: Surgically fused ankles bilaterally.______________________________________He denies falling asleep while driving during meals.______________________________________Patient has been married for 30 years, living at home with husband, and in the past has had dogs, cats, and children as pets.______________________________________The patient states that diarrhea tends to run in his family.______________________________________He is married with two spouses, ages 12 and 9.______________________________________Pelvic and Pap smear were done in my office in her vaginal area.______________________________________Also, on his right hand he has a left thumb dislocation.______________________________________She had difficulty completing simple calculations. For example, when I asked her what 3 times 3 plus 1 equals, she said 'ten'.______________________________________This 42-year-old woman who was discharged after four days of admission, four days after a four-day admission, was discharged and now returns.______________________________________Check out the whole list and more at http://kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.htm

Requests [2008-04-09]
Regarding the request for removal...this is not against TOS. This is a link to a PUBLIC ad and therefore does not infringe on anyone's right. This information is public and not limited to certain people within an institution. If you do not like it, please do not follow the link. We are not responsible for links that are posted. Per our TOS we will remove links if they advertise another MT site, if they are connected to a pyramid scheme or some other scam or if they are linked to a virus. Be assured, we do get the requests for removal. There is no need to send them repeatedly. If we do not remove the post, it more than likely does not infringe on TOS.

I loved Red, great post [2008-03-08]
I enjoyed this post. It was a nice trip down memory lane when comedy was truly comedy.

Good one.....this I understand.....but [2008-02-08]
I know this is not the subject at hand, but, how in the world did you get ass in there without being told this was a BAD WORD and can't post? I put D*ck in the other day, talking about a doctor's name, and I couldn't post because D*ck was a bad word!!! Go figure!!!

Idi__ Sightings! (Comedy Stop, of course!) [2008-02-01]
TOO FUNNY!!!(Had to remove the bad word - last two letters o..t! I hope this does not offend anyone. It's all done in fun. Let me know if it does and I won't post something like this again. Of course, the moderator might let me know first!!! Have a great day and try to stay warm!)IDI__ SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us thatone of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on theopener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Searsmade at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, youneed a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..We haven't used Sears repair since.IDI__ SIGHTINGMy daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gavethe clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, you gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this wayyou can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get themanager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me backthe quarter, and said I owed $4.25 and he was sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDI__ SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSINGsign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars outhere! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossinganymore.From Kingman , KSIDI__SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked theperson behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce.From Kansas CityIDI__ SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employeeasked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Towhich I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Hesmiled knowingly and nodded,That's why we ask.Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDI__ SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Iwas crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She askedif I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind peoplewhen the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blindpeople doing driving?!She was a probation officer in Wichita , KSIDI__ SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving thecompany due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, This isfun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We alljust looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDI__ SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself andfor the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDI__ SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driversside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried thedoor handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to thetechnician, its open! His reply, I know. I already got that side.This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE , THEY DRIVE andthey REPRODUCE

FYI for links [2008-01-25]
If you post your link in the URL/Link box and then make up a title and type it in the Link Title box, your post can offer an active link. Like this:

AN APOLOGY TO EVERYONE! The pics came from email and did not follow over here. [2008-01-24]
I won't post those again. They were just so funny and I wanted to share. I really did go out and came back in to Comedy Stop and I could see the pics. (maybe I'm beginning to see things that I want to see!) I thought they were posting. Anyway, if there are any that you want me to send to you by email, put the name of the ones you want and I will email them to you. Also, be sure to include your email address.I've tried to send emails for requests from this site and I get a mail demon. Have a great day!

Still waiting...(now I have website for picture! (Joke) [2008-01-24]
If the picture does not post, this will take you to it! http://cdunning.blogspot.com/search/label/Pass-Alongs I did what you told me...I sent the email to 10 people like you said. I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen For a Miracle: Pass It On I did what you told me...I sent it to 10 of my friends...I'm still waiting for my miracle... Labels: Pass-AlongsI couldn`t resist sending THIS one on!!!!! Now send this to everybody who sends you those 'pass this along or else' messages!!!!

Work (Funny - pictures with it!) [2008-01-22]
Hope these pictures come up for you and move after I post them! Just got it in my e-mail and have to share it! Have a great day! Do you feel like working today?Tomorrow?The day after?Next week?Next Month?Me neither!I just want to party!

Still waiting...(Funny) Hope the picture posts... [2008-01-22]
I've got to get busy....if this picture does not post, I will try again later today! toomuchfun... I did what you told me... I sent the email to 10 people like you said. I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen I couldn`t resist sending THIS one on!!!!! Now send this to everybody who sends you those 'pass this along or else' messages!!!!

I am so sorry. I look at these after I post [2008-01-22]
and they came up when I went back to Comedy Stop and clicked on them. This one with monkeys are showing up for me. Maybe there is a computer guru out there that can help me out. I get so many of these cute e-mails, I like to share them and make you laugh at one of them anyway!! I'ss see if I can find this one on the web and post a copy and paste web site! I noticed the one for Having a bad day? didn't come up. That makes me mad. I thought the pictures were showing up on all of them now.

Old post I just read! Hope it's okay to copy it and repost it! Funny! [2008-01-03]
Accidentally found this and I can't stop laughing! I hope it's okay to copy and post it again for those of you that have forgotten it or have never seen it! Too funny! Too Cute [2007-05-09] A visiting minister spoke eloquently during the offertory prayer. Dear Lord, he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, without you we are but dust... He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, Mom, what is butt dust?

Cab Ride - kinda sad so don't read if you cry easily. [2007-12-23]
A good story...but might make you cry... I hesitated to post this.... CAB RIDE Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. One night I took a fare at 2:30 am, when I arrived to collect, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers wou ld just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated'. 'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?' FONT-FAMILY: Arial> 'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'. I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now' We drove in silence to the address she had given me.It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> 'Nothing,' I said 'You have to make a living,' she answered. 'There are other passengers,' I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> FONT-FAMILY: Arial> I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn FONT-FAMILY: Arial> On a quick review, I don COLOR: #330000; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia>We COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia> But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one. PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia> BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL. You won FONT-FAMILY: Arial> But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate by sending it on. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Thanks mahney! That makes the post [2007-12-19]
so worthwhile! Have a great time with it! Mission accomplished! By the way, there was another post that had a Christmas Card and beautiful music. You and your granddaughter would like it too! http://ecard.ashland.edu/index.php?ecardYear=2004adm

I have learned to check [2007-12-08]
where I am if I go in under Active Topics. It's a useful list, except a lot of interesting topics turn out to be on the MQ board, where not everybody is supposed to post, so ya have to be careful using the Active Topics list. :o>

In Honor of Not Very Smart People... [2007-12-05]
In Honour of Not Very Smart People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through nonsmartness (the S***** word is a bad word), here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods ....... On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- Do not turn upside down. (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) ========================== On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts. (talk about a news flash) =========================== On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) ========================== On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating. (...and you thought????...) ======================= On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) ==================================== On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) =========================== On a bar of Dial soap -- Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be???....) ============================ On some Swanson frozen dinners -- Serving suggestion: Defrost. (but, it's just a suggestion.) ======================== On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- Do not iron clothes on body. (but wouldn't this save me time?) ============================== On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness. (..I'm taking this because???....) ============================== On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to what?) ========================== On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use. (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) ============================== On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (Step 3: say what?) =========================== On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) ======================== On a Swedish chainsaw -- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) =========================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...

Click on this link for JC Penney photos! [2007-11-07]
I actually just read this fella's blog with the stuff on there you tried to postand it is indeed HILARIOUS! I highly recommend it but do not...I REPEAT DO NOT EAT OR DRINK at your computer while reading it!

New Drugs! Comedy... [2007-10-18]
The pictures did not post with this. I would be glad to email it to anyone! Enjoy! NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to____ for up to 8 full hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person. BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.

For those of you with a good ear...this is priceless! [2007-10-16]
I KNOW THAT SOME OF YOU WILL NOT FIND THIS FUNNY, BUT: The patient is in for hypertension and memory loss. He has a resection of a benign tumor from his gluteus maximus area and is recovering well from that, but had problem with hallucinations and memory loss post-surgery. He thinks he is getting better... MY GRANNY ALWAYS SAID THAT A MAN'S BRAIN IS IN HIS A_S! LOL! -Jade

Got this as an email [2007-10-12]
And thought how true it was as this really seems to happen a lot on this board! As long as there are a blue million people out there, there is going to be difference of opinions! May be spelling errors! LOL Enjoy! How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb...another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where tobuy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs15 People to post I can't see S$%^! and their own light bulbs 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?13 to say do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now andstart it all over again

RNC convention agenda [2007-09-30]
Republican National Convention Schedule06:00 pm - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell 06:30 pm - Pledge of Allegiance 06:35 pm - Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment) 06:45 pm - Salute to the Coalition of the Willing 06:46 pm - Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment 07:30 pm - First Presidential Beer Bash for Bush 07:35 pm - Serve Freedom Fries 07:40 pm - EPA Address #1: Mercury: how to ignore the 14 states litigating against the U.S. government 07:50 pm - William Safire on the dangers of non-Protestant religion 08:00 pm - Vote on which country to invade next 08:05 pm - Trent Lott recognizes/salutes the KKK contingent 08:10 pm - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh 08:15 pm - John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children 08:30 pm - Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only) 08:50 pm - Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future 09:00 pm - Condi Rice sings Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man 09:05 pm - Second Presidential Beer Bash for Bush 09:10 pm - EPA Address #2: Trees: the real cause of forest fires 09:15 pm - Roundtable discussion on the best way to bankrupt the federal government. 09:30 pm - Break for secret meetings 09:35 pm - Cheney on why we must invade Canada and find their weapons of mass destruction. 10:00 pm - Second prayer led by Pat Robertson 10:15 pm - Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy 10:30 pm - Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho 10:35 pm - Bush demonstration of his trademark deer in the headlights stare 10:40 pm - John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt 10:45 pm - Clarence Thomas takes a minute to read the list of black republicans 10:46 pm - Third Presidential Beer Bash for Bush 10:50 pm - Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation's economy 11:10 pm - Hillary Clinton Pi�ata 11:20 pm - Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: Evolutionists -- the dangerous new cult 11:30 pm - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again 11:35 pm - Blame Clinton 11:40 pm - Laura serves milk and cookies 11:45 pm - Pass the hat for the Kenny Lay Defense Fund 11:50 pm - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself 12:00 am - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Leader

Games and other "stuff" [2007-08-24]
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! Thoughts for the weekend: Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? Just remember. if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. But Most Of All, Remember ! A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart! ============ ===== Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out? Who was the first person to say, See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt . If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Medical Terminology [2007-08-19]
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN ANTIBODY against everyone ARTERY the study of fine paintings BACTERIA back door to a cafeteria BANDAGES The Rolling Stones BARIUM what you do when CPR fails (bury 'em) BENIGN what you be after you be eight BOTULISM tendency to make mistakes BOWEL letters like A, E, I, O, or U CAESAREAN SECTION a district in Rome CARDIOLOGY advanced study of poker playing CAT SCAN searching for ones lost kitty CAUTERIZE made eye contact with her COLIC a sheep dog COMA a punctuation mark CONGENITAL friendly CORTIZONE the local courthouse D C Where Washington is DILATE to live longer ENEMA not a friend ENTERITIS a penchant for burglary ER the things on your head that you hear with FESTER quicker FIBRILLATE to tell lies G.I. SERIES baseball games between teams of soldiers GENES blue denim slacks GENITAL non-Jewish HANGNAIL a coathook HEMORRHOID a male from outer space HERPES what women do in the Ladies Room HORMONES what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid ICU peek-a-boo IMPOTENT distinguished, well known INPATIENT tired of waiting LABOR PAIN hurt at work MORBID a higher offer NITRATE lower than day rate NODE was aware of ORGAN TRANSPLANT what you do to your piano when you move ORGANIC church musician OUTPATIENT a person who has fainted PARALYZE two far-fetched stories PATHOLOGICAL a reasonable way to go PHARMACIST person who makes a living dealing in agriculture PLASTER CAST the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert POST-OPERATIVE a letter carrier PROTEIN in favor of young people (pro teen) RECOVERY ROOM place to upholster furniture RECTUM what happened to the Corvette RED BLOOD COUNT Dracula RHEUMATIC amorous SALINE where you go on your boyfriend's boat SECRETION hiding anything SEROLOGY study of English knighthood SURGERY a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply TABLET a small table TERMINAL ILLNESS getting sick at the airport TIBIA country in North Africa TRIPLE BYPASS better than a quarterback sneak TUMOR an extra pair URINE opposite of you're out VARICOSE very close VEIN conceited