I can beat the naked fireman pic.

I can beat the naked fireman pic. [2008-03-29]
Mine's a marine, and he's a babe of another kind.

Naked Fireman Poster! [2008-03-28]
http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/archives/003815.html

How to save the airlines [2008-05-08]
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the heck -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a party atmosphere going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and special services. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton

Why a Bee? (Cute story) [2008-04-06]
Why a Bee?Author Unknown Once upon a time the animals had a school. They had four subjects: running, climbing, flying, and swimming, and all animals took all subjects. The duck was good at swimming-better than the teachers in fact. He made passing grades in running and flying, but he was almost hopeless in climbing. So they made him drop swimming to practice more climbing. Soon he was only average in swimming. But average is OK, and nobody worried much about it except the duck. The eagle was considered a troublemaker. In his climbing class he beat everybody to the top of the tree, but he had his own way of getting there, which was against the rules. He always had to stay after school and write, Cheating is wrong 500 times. This kept him from soaring, which he loved. But schoolwork comes first. The bear flunked because they said he was lazy, especially in winter. His best time was summer, but school wasn't open then. The penguin never went to school because he couldn't leave home, and they wouldn't start a school out where he lived. The zebra played hookey ... a lot. The ponies made fun of his stripes, and that made him very sad. The kangaroo started out at the top of the running class, but got discouraged trying to run on all fours like the other kids. The fish quit school because he was bored. To him all four subjects were the same, but nobody understood that. They had never been a fish. The squirrel got As in climbing, but his flying teacher made him start from the ground up instead of the treetop down. His legs got so sore from practicing takeoffs that he began getting Cs and Ds in running. But the bee was the biggest problem of all, so the teacher sent him to Dr. Owl for testing. Dr. Owl said that the bees wings were just too small for flying, and besides they were in the wrong place. But the bee never saw Dr. Owl's report, so he just went ahead and flew anyway. I think I know a bee or two, don't you?

A Nun in Hooters Restaurant! [2008-03-17]
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each timethe lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom?The bartender replied, OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf. Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way, said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom? Well, now they know you're one of us, said the bartender,Would you like a drink? Nothank you, but, I still don't understand, said the puzzled nun. You see, laughed the bartender, every time someone lifts thefig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

Pecans in the Cemetery! (Joke) [2008-03-05]
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filledup a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me, said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come here quick, said the boy, you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls. The man said, Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. The old man whispered, Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord. Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done. They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. SMILE, God Loves You!

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH [2008-02-23]
#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_p.MsoNormal,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_li.MsoNormal,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_div.MsoNormal {margin-bottom:.0001pt;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:'Times New Roman';} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass a:link,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.MsoHyperlink {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass a:visited,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.EmailStyle17 {font-family:'Courier New';color:windowtext;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;} _filtered #yiv139594808 {} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_div.Section1 {} JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCHAttending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white? The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. The child thought about this for a moment then said, So why is the groom wearing black?~~~~~~~~~~~~A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either! ~~~~~~~~~~~~Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money! ~~~~~~~~~~~~An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.~~~~~~~~~~~~A police recruit was asked during the exam, What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He answered, Call for backup. ~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter.~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to Honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.~~~~~~~~~~~~At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, Johnny, what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

7 reasons not to mess with children! [2008-02-20]
7 reasons not to mess with children. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell? The little girl replied, Then you ask him. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, I'm drawing God. The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honour thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, Thou shall not kill. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Momma, how comeALLof grandma's hairs are white? The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher, she's dead. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face. Yes, the class said. Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet? A little fellow shouted,Cause your feet ain't empty. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: Take onlyONE. God is watching. Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples. It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

Self CPR (Not a Joke) passing it along... [2008-02-20]
Subject: FW: self CPR Good information to know�. What are you to do if you have a heart attack while you are alone. If you've already received this, it means people care about you The Johnson City Medical Center staff actually discovered this And did an in-depth study on it in our ICU The two individuals that Discovered this then did an article on it . Had it published and have Even had it incorporated into ACLS and CPR classes. It is very true and has and does work. It is called cough CPR. A cardiologist says it's the truth ... For your info If everyone who gets This sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life. Read This...It could save your life! Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. And you're driving home (alone of course), after an usually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course, Didn't tell you what to do if it happened to yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack , This article seemed to be in order. Without help, the person Whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, Has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, As when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let up until help arrives, Or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives! From Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240s newsletter AND THE BEAT GOES ON (reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc. Publication, Heart Response)

Have you had your vitamin L today? [2008-02-16]
L for laughter! This is an oldie but it still makes me laugh! CALLING IN SICK Weall had trouble with our animals, but I donCalling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks Ione recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wifeto adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it. You know where the button is, I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. Reset it yourself! But I she persisted. What if it starts going and sucks me in? There was a meaningful pause and then, C So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasnour new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of been-there, done-that paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. What They all asked, Cat got your tongue? If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this? Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!

For those with lots of dogs. [2008-02-08]
Dear Dogs,When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:1. They live here. You don't.2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.3. I like my pet better than I like most people.4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.Sincerely,Your Owner

Festive Fruitcake Recipe [2007-12-28]
Merry Christmas to all and to all a nood gight, I mean good night *hic*Festive Fruitcake Recipe1 cup water1 cup sugar4 large eggs2 cups dried fruit1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts1 gallon whiskey[Note: Rum may be substituted for whiskey.]1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.2. Take a large bowl.3. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. 3. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.4. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.5. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.6. Turn off mixer.7. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 8. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.9. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.10. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?11. Check the whiskey.12. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.13. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.14. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.15. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of he window. 16. Check the whiskey again.17 Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?

Children - Through Their Eyes! [2007-12-27]
Today's Funnies xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Children: Through Their Eyes NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! DISCLAIMER On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents. HEINZ 57A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. It's the minister, mommy, the child said to her mother. Then she said to the minister, Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle. MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?THE ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few weeks ago. DADDY'S TUX A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. And why not, darling? asked the dad.You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning, replied the girl. DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes. SCHOOL DAYSA little girl had just finished her first week of school. I'm just wasting my time, she said to her mother. I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. Mama, look what I found, the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? asked the mom. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, I think it's Adam's underwear.

Christmas with Louis (Hilarious) [2007-12-21]
Wildest Christmas Dinner This is an articlesubmitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to findout who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize. Christmas With Louise As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over hisfireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true becauseevery Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses andwent in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?You're kidding me! Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of theprice scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came tolife. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his houseand left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dogconfused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and barksome more. We all agreed that Lou ise should remain in her panty hose so therest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditionalChristmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door 'What the h**l is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!' My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

A child's view of the world.... [2007-12-07]
Subject:A child's view of the world......- She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye! My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, Did you start at 1? After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was THAT? A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are we alike? You're both old, he replied. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself! When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure. Look in your underwear, Grandpa, he advised. mine says I'm four to six. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That's interesting, she said, how do you make babies? It's simple, replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'. Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. Don't you know what pregnant means? she asked. Sure, said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one child. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrants..

Questions That Haunt Me???!! [2007-11-26]
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME???? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a (deleted)song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? If the professor onGilligan'sIslandcan make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song, Bah bah Black Sheep,andTwinkle, Twinkle Little Starhave the same tune? Why did you just try singing the songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Do you ever wonder why you gave meyour e-mail address in thefirstPLACE

Sixty years of marriage [2007-11-06]
Sixty Years of Marriage: A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he ope ned it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents . When we were to be married, she said, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll. The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. Honey, he said, that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from? Oh, she said, that's the money I made from selling the dolls. A Prayer....... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet

Man calls in sick. [2007-10-31]
Contributed by FoxyMX (Message board in England, I believe) Entry: 16-04-2007, 11:23 AM We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: First of all, calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied about specifics anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a dignified explanation for the the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it. You know where the button is, I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. Reset it yourself! But I she persisted. What if it starts going and sucks me in? There was a meaningful pause and then, C So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasnfight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of been-there, done-that paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. Whats the matter?Cat got your tongue? PS. Why is it that only the women laugh at this????

PC frustrations?? try this!! sm [2007-10-23]
http://hotduels.com/index.php/game/2467/Beat-Up-Pc/ Scroll down, click play, then use your mouse to click on the various computer parts. The faster you click the computer part the better the result..)))

This one's for all the pet owners out there.... [2007-09-18]
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's backside. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it furniture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3. Are easier to train 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college. And finally, 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Seriously, this is some funny, funny stuff. Good read on break. sm [2007-09-12]
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY . 1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. 2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR..... 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' HE SAID IF HE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?' 12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM? 16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS THAT TURTLE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? 20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? 24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? 30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'? 31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? 34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? [2007-09-05]
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?Do you suffer from shyness?Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

Grandchildren's Logic [2007-08-19]
Grandchildren's Logic My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, Did you start at 1? ************************************************************ After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was THAT? *********************************************************** A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! ********************************************************** A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. *************************************************************** A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife. ******************************************************** Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, What caused the submarine to sink? With a look of incredulity Mark replied, Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!! ********************************************************** When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. ******************************************************* When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure. Look in your underwear, Grandma, he advised. Mine says I'm four to six. ******************************************************* A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That's interesting, she said, How do you make babies? It's simple, replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es' ********************************************************** Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. Don't you know what pregnant means? she asked. Sure, said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child. ************************************************************ A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one youngster. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrant.

25 words of wisdom [2007-07-21]
25 Words of Wisdom 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here. 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,Thyroid problem? 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. 6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:Buy one dog, get one flea... 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys. 15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect. 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have Schiffer Brains. 18. No one ever says It's only a game! when their team is winning. 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!

I remember seeing him on the show [2007-06-21]
With his deadpan face and deep voice, he would give these hilarious one-liners without cracking a smile. Sometimes there would be just a beat before the audience started laughing, because he had played so many dramatic roles you just couldn't believe he was saying these things! ROFL

I'm on a roll.....Happy Father's day [2007-06-17]
Fathers then & now Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his minivan. In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home. In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera. In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR. In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia. Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams. In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer. In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, Wake up, it's time for school. Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: Wake up, it's time for hockey practice. In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge. In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.. In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: I wanted Sega! In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes. Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol. In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool. Today, he'll get a digital organizer. In 1900, fathers said, A man's home is his castle. Today, they say, Welcome to the money pit. In 1900, a good day at the market meant Father brought home feed for the horses. Today, a good day at the market means Dad got in early on an IPO. In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table. Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's. In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then. Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools. In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention. Today, kids glance up and grunt, Dad, you're invading my space. In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late. Today, fathers break the ice by saying, So...how long have you had that earring? In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building. Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle. In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated. In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

Warning! [2007-06-03]
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... But this one is real, and it's important. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.I feel so stoopid! (Just thought you might enjoy a laugh today.)