Ilana has such great spirit and talent..sm

That was great. Are you a writer? If not... [2008-11-02]
you should be!

Pictures in space of NASA mission! Great pics! [2008-03-09]
http://www.texasjim.com/NASApix/NASA%20pix.htm

I loved Red, great post [2008-03-08]
I enjoyed this post. It was a nice trip down memory lane when comedy was truly comedy.

Wouldn't it be great....(political....a great idea) [2008-02-20]
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the or der for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved d uring the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France . In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the e arth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China . I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon ne chance, me z a mies. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops i n the world. I love New York A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try notmaking usmad for a change. Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I ans wer them by saying, 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America . Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

Those are great shots! [2008-02-05]
I would love to have the balls to even be a passenger...but I just know I would cry like a baby, pass out, and pee my pants and toss my cookies. Just amazing! Love the prop job plane with those jets. My husband says it's called JTO, jet-assisted takeoff, meant to get planes up in the air with short runways. I never saw such a thing! Very cool!

Ilana has such great spirit and talent..sm [2008-01-11]
You can get to see some of her other works on the link below. Hit video clips or performances....be sure to turn up your speakers. Cat www.sandfantasy.com

I can't stop laughing! That was great! [2007-12-22]
x

That was great! nm [2007-12-22]
x

This is great!!!!!!! ROLF [2007-12-17]

That was great! But what was the [2007-12-12]
song - I have a little ____, I made it out of clay. And when it's dry and ready, I'll have a ... Is that what you refered to as dreidel? That was just adorable. I loved the black guy getting all excited and singing falsetto about Christmas in Africa. Really cute.

This is so great.....I love it, wish they would of left it on our main board [2007-11-14]

these are great! THX - nm - [2007-11-11]
nm

that's great! I forwarded that one sooo fast...! nm [2007-10-22]

Brings back great memories! [2007-09-05]
Weren't they the best?

That's great, but not by George Carlin. [2007-07-09]
They aren't sure who wrote it, but I loved it. Wish George had written it. http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/carlin.asp

Oh great...NOW you send us the warning! [2007-06-04]
Came about a week too late though. I was already inspected. I shoulda known something just wasn't right with that request, but this is tick country afterall. Next time, I'll be sure to listen to my gut.

great story - isn't it funny how Kharma works? [2007-05-12]

That is great!!! I am actually going to do a few of those...cause that's the kinda sicko I am! [2007-04-05]
LOL :)

That gave me a great giggle! [2007-02-22]
Well done!

really really great joke!!!! [2007-01-28]

LOL! That is great! :) [2006-10-08]
x

Great one! Made me laugh! Thank you...nm [2006-02-03]
d

YOU are the only one who thinks thats funny [2008-11-10]
you and people who think like you. right now 'my friend' Obama is ON the steps of the Whitehouse about to SCHOOL his predcessor on what its REALLY like to lead a great nation. Little people enjoy little jokes like this... the rest of us pray and hope you grow up.

Stress buster [2008-10-22]
I have to share this great stress buster with this animation www.funny-city.com/1725/ You can smack around the dummy as hard as you want. It gave me enough of an outlet to carry on with this ESL who can't communicate. I have no idea what he is trying to say as none of the sentences make any sense.

The history of liberals and conservatives [2008-10-15]
I posted this on the politics board too - It's half political/half humor. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were: 1. The invention of beer, and 2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man. These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jack@ss. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most are social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history....... It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain. Have a great day!

Installing a Husband [2008-10-07]
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed adistinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in theflower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly underBoyfriend5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, suchas Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installedundesirableprograms such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashesthesystem.Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix theseproblems,but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate.DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is anoperating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should thenautomatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will downloadthe Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seizecontrolof all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend5.0-program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limitedmemory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might considerbuying additional software to improve memory and performance. Werecommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck Babe! Tech Support

Pillsbury Doughboy joke [2008-05-23]
Sad News Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift

Thought you would have fun with this! [2008-03-10]
This was interesting. Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are True descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real Deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets Worse from there.Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.AQUARIUS- The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.PISCES- The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative.May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.ARIES- The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of badLuck if you do not forwardGEMINI- The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.CANCER- The Protector (June 21 - July 22)Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LEO- The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.VIRGO- The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to.Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LIBRA- The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SCORPIO- The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SAGITTARIUS- The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14 years of bad luck if you do not forwardSend away!!~ Ready . set............ GO!1-3 people= 1 minute of luck4-7 people= 1 hour of luck8-12 people = 1 day of luck13-17 People = 1 week of luck18-22 people = 1 month of luck23-27 people = 3 Months of luck28-32 people = 7 months of luck33-37 people = 1 year of luck

Red Skelton [2008-03-07]
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you willenjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Kentucky. 3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time! she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric Toaster and electric bread maker. She said There are too many gadgets, and no place To sit down! So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well Because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.She told me, In the lake. 8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late ? The driver said, No, jump in. 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her First name was ALWAYS. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, What's on the TV? I said, Dust! Can't you just hear him say all of these?.....those were the good old days When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple. And he always ended his programs with the words, God Bless

Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday.... (joke) [2008-03-06]
SAD NEWS...Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

A TEST FOR OLD KIDS! [2008-03-05]
A TEST FOR OLD KIDS:I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us �old kids! (The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.)01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, �Who was that masked man?� Invariably, someone would answer, �I don't know, but he left this behind.� What did he leave behind? ________________.02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.03 Get your kicks, __________________.04. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we danced under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the �_____________.07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestl�s makes the very best . . . . . _______________.08. Satchmo was America�s Ambassador of Goodwill. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His first last name was ________ _________.09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, Good Night, and ________ ________.11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ _______________.13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, the day the music died.� This was a tribute to ___________________.14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ______________.15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________-________. ANSWERS:01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.02. The Ed Sullivan Show03. On Route 66 04. To protect the innocent.05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight06. The limbo07. Chocolate08 Louis Armstrong09. The Timex watch10. Freddy, the Freeloader and Good Night and God Bless.11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)12. Beetle or Bug13. Buddy Holly14. Sputnik15. Hoola-hoopSend this to your old friends, better known as seniors. It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes

Hope this works! [2008-02-21]
How to tell if your feet stink! MEDICAL TEST STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYESFOR 10 SECONDS.Then Scroll Down NOW STARE IN THE PUPPY'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS... Scroll Down Your CAT SCANand LAB TESTS are now complete -couldn't resist...Do you feel like working today?Tomorrow?The day after?Next week?Next Month?Me neither!I just want to party!You.......have a GREAT Day!!!Life is short! Break the rules!Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly!Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably.And never regret anything that made you smile.

Wouldn't it be great....(political....a great idea) [2008-02-20]
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the or der for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved d uring the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France . In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the e arth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China . I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon ne chance, me z a mies. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops i n the world. I love New York A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try notmaking usmad for a change. Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I ans wer them by saying, 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America . Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

Insanity [2008-02-14]
WOW!!! That was GREAT. Thanks!

Idi__ Sightings! (Comedy Stop, of course!) [2008-02-01]
TOO FUNNY!!!(Had to remove the bad word - last two letters o..t! I hope this does not offend anyone. It's all done in fun. Let me know if it does and I won't post something like this again. Of course, the moderator might let me know first!!! Have a great day and try to stay warm!)IDI__ SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us thatone of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on theopener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Searsmade at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, youneed a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..We haven't used Sears repair since.IDI__ SIGHTINGMy daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gavethe clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, you gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this wayyou can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get themanager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me backthe quarter, and said I owed $4.25 and he was sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDI__ SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSINGsign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars outhere! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossinganymore.From Kingman , KSIDI__SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked theperson behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce.From Kansas CityIDI__ SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employeeasked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Towhich I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Hesmiled knowingly and nodded,That's why we ask.Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDI__ SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Iwas crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She askedif I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind peoplewhen the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blindpeople doing driving?!She was a probation officer in Wichita , KSIDI__ SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving thecompany due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, This isfun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We alljust looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDI__ SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself andfor the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDI__ SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driversside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried thedoor handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to thetechnician, its open! His reply, I know. I already got that side.This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE , THEY DRIVE andthey REPRODUCE

AN APOLOGY TO EVERYONE! The pics came from email and did not follow over here. [2008-01-24]
I won't post those again. They were just so funny and I wanted to share. I really did go out and came back in to Comedy Stop and I could see the pics. (maybe I'm beginning to see things that I want to see!) I thought they were posting. Anyway, if there are any that you want me to send to you by email, put the name of the ones you want and I will email them to you. Also, be sure to include your email address.I've tried to send emails for requests from this site and I get a mail demon. Have a great day!

Work (Funny - pictures with it!) [2008-01-22]
Hope these pictures come up for you and move after I post them! Just got it in my e-mail and have to share it! Have a great day! Do you feel like working today?Tomorrow?The day after?Next week?Next Month?Me neither!I just want to party!

Tree Hugger [2008-01-17]
A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland, near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood: in her crotch.In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away, in Duncan. She told him she was an environmentalist andanti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and said, Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada, the BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turnedme down. !! OH CANADA !!

Laughing so hard!!! [2008-01-03]
That is GREAT! Thanks!

Northern Lights [2007-12-30]
You're right, this is Canada. A friend of mine moved to Hay River, North West Territories, and recently sent me these exact same pics. Yellowknife is across the Great Slave Lake from Hay River. And yes, it gets COLD there.

Cab Ride - kinda sad so don't read if you cry easily. [2007-12-23]
A good story...but might make you cry... I hesitated to post this.... CAB RIDE Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. One night I took a fare at 2:30 am, when I arrived to collect, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers wou ld just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated'. 'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?' FONT-FAMILY: Arial> 'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'. I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now' We drove in silence to the address she had given me.It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> 'Nothing,' I said 'You have to make a living,' she answered. 'There are other passengers,' I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly. FONT-FAMILY: Arial> FONT-FAMILY: Arial> I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn FONT-FAMILY: Arial> On a quick review, I don COLOR: #330000; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia>We COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia> But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one. PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Georgia> BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL. You won FONT-FAMILY: Arial> But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate by sending it on. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Thanks mahney! That makes the post [2007-12-19]
so worthwhile! Have a great time with it! Mission accomplished! By the way, there was another post that had a Christmas Card and beautiful music. You and your granddaughter would like it too! http://ecard.ashland.edu/index.php?ecardYear=2004adm

Tom Goes To Alaska [2007-12-11]
TOM GOES TO ALASKA Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. ''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might Like to come. About 5:00. Great, says Tom, After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you. As Lars is leaving, he stops. Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'. Not a problem, says Tom. After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too. Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again. More'n likely be some wild sex, too. Now that's really not a problem, says Tom, warming to the idea. I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear? Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

Walking the Dog.... [2007-12-07]
Walking the Dog A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs? The blind lady replied, No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs. Picture this:All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

Another Attorney funny! [2007-11-29]
BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY. Charlotte , North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, theninsured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of thesegreat cigars and without yet having made even his first premiumpayment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against theinsurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in aseries of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. and WON!Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurancecompany that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policyfrom the company, which it had warranted that the cigarswere insurable and also guaranteed that it woul d insure them againstfire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptablefire and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, theinsurance Company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to thelawyer for his loss of the c igars lost in the fires. NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previouscase being used against him, the lawyer was convicted ofintentionally burning his Insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in therecent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Several Short Jokes! Enjoy! [2007-11-19]
CHUCKLES FOR COUPLES AND OTHERS... My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, theytake your house and car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way tooqualified for the job. Look Miss, said the foreman, have you any actual experience inpicking lemons? Well, as a matter if fact, yes! she replied.? I've been divorcedthree times. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he hasbeen living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact wordsthat were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into thecheck-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forwardlooked into the cart and asked sweetly, So which six items would youlike to buy? Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderlyneighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for atable. Young man, we're both 90 years old, the husband said . We maynot have 45 minutes. They were seated immediately. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they wouldhate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down theaisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissedher father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Eventhe priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, thebride gave him back his credit card. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax andget used to the idea. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three friends from the local congregation were asked, When you're inyour casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,what would you like them to say? Artie said: I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a finespiritual leader, and a great family man. Eugene commented: I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacherand servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives. Al said: I'd like them to say, Look, he's moving! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... God, what does a million years mean toyou? The Lord replies, A minute. Smith asks, And what does a million dollars mean to you? The Lord replies, A penny. Smith asks, Can I have a penny? The Lord replies, In a minute. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. Give me one last request, dear, he said. Of course, John, his wife said softly. Six months after I die, he said, I want you to marry Bob. But I thought you hated Bob, she said. With his last breath John said, I do! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes to see the Rabbi. Rabbi, something terrible is happening andI have to talk to you about it. The Rabbi asked, What's wrong? The man replied, My wife is poisoning me. The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be? The man then pleads, I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do? The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see whatI can find out and I'll let you know. A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, Well, I spoke to yourwife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want myadvice? The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, Take the poison!

Ode to the Bonus [2007-11-13]
My eyelidsare heavy and all fingers sore, but I forge on ahead till I can't type no more. I'm really not crazy and will try not to whine. For ahead is the bonus of10 cents aline. My kids haven't eaten and have called me a witch. My hair looks like I woke up in a ditch. My husband just stares at me and wonders what's up? More coffee, I yell! Oh please one more cup! I have until Thursday, I try to explain and all this hard work will not be in vain. But who wants to listen to a woman that's mad she looks like a mess and her office smells bad. For you see when you're offered a bonus so great the rest of the world will have to just wait. I'm working in here and there's no room for slowness when you're faced with a prize like a 10 cents per line bonus. --Unknown, but tired, author.