Kinda funny, in a macabre sort of way

funny stuff [2008-08-22]
The patient has dementia and is unable to, to, to, to, to provide any significant and coherent history.

That was too funny! thanks nm [2008-08-22]
x

so funny. sm. [2008-08-11]
I almost hate when people as me what I do. Just telling them they think they can do it. They want all the information on how to get started. Well here I am 8 years later from getting started and just now getting my first at home job so guess what, its not just gonna fall in your lap. It drives me nuts when people think MT is just like an envelope stuffing job you can do at home.

Funny MD names [2008-07-23]
I have had a Dr. Later...The patient is to follow up with Dr. Later later on today

Good Friday funny! [2008-07-18]
Five surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. The second responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.The third surgeon says, No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order. The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer and costs more than you said it would. But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

OMG!!!!!!!!! TOO funny. TY for the laugh, I needed one. [2008-07-18]
nm.

ASR Funny Doctors names [2008-05-07]
I find it quite humerous when ASR tries to translate the dictating physicians names. Two that crack me up are Dr. Mumbles and Dr. Large Prostate.

Too funny [2008-04-30]
That is the most I have laughed in days!!!

very funny [2008-04-25]
Oh I just loved these. Thanks, I needed a good laugh.

Very Funny!!!! Thanx! [2008-04-23]
ROFLMAO!!!

Just typed this - too funny [2008-04-22]
Here's what a doc just dictated..... He is having difficulty keeping his head and he notes his dad had the same problem when he died.

Very funny dictation. [2008-04-21]
Thanks for posting. I really enjoyed them!

Very funny dictations. [2008-04-18]
I has to post these. These are hysterical. I found them on Kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.html OKAY, NOW ON TO THE BLOOPERS!! ______________________________________First of all, here is my favorite -- a classic example of the pot calling the kettle black!!!He mumbles with lips that barely move and in fact is mostly unintelligible as to his intention with his words.______________________________________The next patient's name is Doe, John.... I'm not sure which is the first name and which is the last name, although I would imagine Doe would be the last name, unless it's John.______________________________________This is an 8-year-old child accompanied by her mother, who appears playful and interactive.______________________________________This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.______________________________________The patient's gait is normal. I am able to stand on her toes.______________________________________The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant.______________________________________The patient was cleaned copiously and steri-stripped. She was then dressed and discharged. ______________________________________This 50-year-old teacher is undergoing polysomnogram because of daytime sleepiness and difficulty staying asleep while teaching.______________________________________....painful cramps prior to her menses secondary to her period.______________________________________The other foot has the missing toes.______________________________________(Dictated on a patient with schizophrenia) The patients are alert and oriented.______________________________________He is an occasional smoker, smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day for the past 19 years.______________________________________ S: Patient comes in for ear pain. She is pain free.O: TMs and canals are normal.A: Normal knee exam.P: Reassurance. ______________________________________Blood loss from the procedure was less than 10 gallons.______________________________________First name Victor, spelled V as in Victor....______________________________________Preoperative diagnosis: Unexplained abdominal pain in the knee.______________________________________She is sexually active with one muscle.______________________________________GENITORECTAL: Surgically fused ankles bilaterally.______________________________________He denies falling asleep while driving during meals.______________________________________Patient has been married for 30 years, living at home with husband, and in the past has had dogs, cats, and children as pets.______________________________________The patient states that diarrhea tends to run in his family.______________________________________He is married with two spouses, ages 12 and 9.______________________________________Pelvic and Pap smear were done in my office in her vaginal area.______________________________________Also, on his right hand he has a left thumb dislocation.______________________________________She had difficulty completing simple calculations. For example, when I asked her what 3 times 3 plus 1 equals, she said 'ten'.______________________________________This 42-year-old woman who was discharged after four days of admission, four days after a four-day admission, was discharged and now returns.______________________________________Check out the whole list and more at http://kellyandkevin.com/bloopers.htm

Kinda funny, in a macabre sort of way - [2008-03-25]
The patient is 85 years old. Under Social History he still works. He is a funeral director. You've heard of those who can't do, teach? Looks like those who can't die, bury!

Life and Sex After Death (kinda old joke!) [2008-03-04]
Subject: Life and sex After Death The couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was noafterlife.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True tohisword, he made contact, Connie....Connie.Is that you, Joe?Yes, I've come back like we agreed.That's wonderful! What's it like?Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and thenit'soff to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun andthenhave sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp aroundthegolf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. Aftersupper, it's back to golf course again.Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleepandthen the next day it starts all over again. Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .

The "B" Fairy! (May be offensive, but it's funny!) [2008-03-04]
http://www.jibjab.com/view/103941 Click View It.

This is funny! sm [2008-03-04]
A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in. Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and down carefully. Miss Jones, he said, it seems quite obvious that until today you have never had an eye exam.

Here's a Funny from FunFenFan... [2008-02-19]
Here's a funny one for you.... A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands raised. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said; I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cursing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally..... I assumed you had stolen the car.

asr funny [2008-02-19]
ASR: then know that an old the knocks of Betadine Doc said: fexofenadine

Another ASR funny [2008-02-13]
This is a 1,000,069-year-old female. HOLY MOLEY!!! Alert the press! call a priest! get a wooden stake!

Im sure its funny, Cat, can't get my videos to play [2008-02-08]
since I am on this dial up Netzero cheapest, maybe have to upgrade. So far I like it. Suits my needs? BTW RU doing OK back there?

ASR funny [2008-02-06]
The patient will be taken to the OR for a laparoscopic cholecystectomyand 10 cigars. I think this is the first one I've had that I really had a good laugh over. Mademy day brighter.

Your post is just as funny as the video. nm [2008-01-31]
!

very funny link [2008-01-30]
We have all had them, the bad day at the office. I just wonder if these people have ever heard of Xanax. http://glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=baddayoffice

Senior Driver/Airplane (Watch video to the end!) Funny [2008-01-28]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_ITIlPvcm0

Grandma still drives !! [2008-08-27]
GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!! Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her owncar. She writes:Dear Grand-daughter,The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honkif you love Jesus' bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughtabout the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light hadchanged.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,I'd never have noticed.I found that lots of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, andthen he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!''Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all thoseloving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard himyelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuckup in the air.I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment thatthey got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is whenI noticed the light had changed.So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove onthrough the intersection.I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leavethem after all the love we had shared.So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,Love, Grandma

UPS pilot gripes, mechanic humor [2008-08-12]
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor..... Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPSpilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an S). By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. * P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. * P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit * P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. * P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. * P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. * P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. * P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. * P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. * P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search * P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. * P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. * P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. * And the best one for last * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget

Sick Leave... [2008-06-25]
Sick LeaveI urgently needed a few days off work,But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'Then he would tell me to take a few days off.So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,'What in the name of good GOD are you doing? 'I told him I was a light bulb.He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'I jumped down and walked out of the office...When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,'. ..And where do you think you're going?!'(You're gonna love this....) She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark. .

PT Sentences [2008-05-30]
Ginny..that is just wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too funny! Thanks for brightening my morning already!

Good Ol' Red [2008-04-30]
I love Red...I remember every Tuesday night we would get in front of the TV to watch him...I loved the Mean Wittle Kid and Freddy the Freeloader....those were good clean and really funny jokes he told...I miss him!

ROLF [2008-03-19]
That is too too too funny!

Master Card Wedding! [2008-03-17]
This may not be a true story. I'm not sure! But it's funny!

Thought you would have fun with this! [2008-03-10]
This was interesting. Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are True descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real Deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets Worse from there.Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.AQUARIUS- The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.PISCES- The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative.May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.ARIES- The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of badLuck if you do not forwardGEMINI- The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.CANCER- The Protector (June 21 - July 22)Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LEO- The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.VIRGO- The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to.Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LIBRA- The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SCORPIO- The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SAGITTARIUS- The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14 years of bad luck if you do not forwardSend away!!~ Ready . set............ GO!1-3 people= 1 minute of luck4-7 people= 1 hour of luck8-12 people = 1 day of luck13-17 People = 1 week of luck18-22 people = 1 month of luck23-27 people = 3 Months of luck28-32 people = 7 months of luck33-37 people = 1 year of luck

As nasty as that is, I believe it! [2008-03-08]
I worked for a family practitioner anda co-worker and Iwere walking down the hall in the office, past our little bathroom, and there was our boss(the doctor)spraying Lysol up her dress between her legs! She had her back to us and I don't think she saw us walking by...butwhy she didn't close the door, I have no idea. Why she sprayed Lysol up her whoo-haw, we can only imagine. The tape worms thing to me is more creepy for some reason though. As an aside...I just found the old fashioned yellow original scent Lysol in Home Depot a few weeks ago. I bought 2 cans! I haven't smelled that fragrance for about 10 years...reminds me of my childhood because that's all my mother used. Very comfortating in a sanitizing sort of way.

7 reasons not to mess with children! [2008-02-20]
7 reasons not to mess with children. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell? The little girl replied, Then you ask him. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, I'm drawing God. The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honour thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, Thou shall not kill. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Momma, how comeALLof grandma's hairs are white? The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher, she's dead. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face. Yes, the class said. Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet? A little fellow shouted,Cause your feet ain't empty. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: Take onlyONE. God is watching. Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples. It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

These were adorable [2008-02-20]
I am passing them on to my daughter. She is a 3rd and 4th grade teacher, and she is always telling me the funny things the kids say. She will truly enjoy this humor.

Self CPR (Not a Joke) passing it along... [2008-02-20]
Subject: FW: self CPR Good information to know�. What are you to do if you have a heart attack while you are alone. If you've already received this, it means people care about you The Johnson City Medical Center staff actually discovered this And did an in-depth study on it in our ICU The two individuals that Discovered this then did an article on it . Had it published and have Even had it incorporated into ACLS and CPR classes. It is very true and has and does work. It is called cough CPR. A cardiologist says it's the truth ... For your info If everyone who gets This sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life. Read This...It could save your life! Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. And you're driving home (alone of course), after an usually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course, Didn't tell you what to do if it happened to yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack , This article seemed to be in order. Without help, the person Whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, Has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, As when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let up until help arrives, Or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives! From Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240s newsletter AND THE BEAT GOES ON (reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc. Publication, Heart Response)

Here's a Funny from FunFenFan... [2008-02-19]
Here's a funny one for you.... A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands raised. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said; I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cursing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally..... I assumed you had stolen the car.

accident in Texas...sm [2008-02-08]
ACCIDENT IN Texas : YOU HAVE TO LISTEN! catThis is so funny and his laugh is contagious! Close your eyes and just picture what he is watching...it's even better than a video clip!!!You've got to listen to this! It's a phone call from a man inTexas who witnessed a car accident involving 4 elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their site.Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

Cats taking pills [2008-02-08]
I don't have a cat but I many years ago I worked with a vet, this can be very true and is very funny.

Old people doin' it. [2008-02-05]
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Idi__ Sightings! (Comedy Stop, of course!) [2008-02-01]
TOO FUNNY!!!(Had to remove the bad word - last two letters o..t! I hope this does not offend anyone. It's all done in fun. Let me know if it does and I won't post something like this again. Of course, the moderator might let me know first!!! Have a great day and try to stay warm!)IDI__ SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us thatone of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on theopener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Searsmade at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, youneed a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..We haven't used Sears repair since.IDI__ SIGHTINGMy daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gavethe clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, you gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this wayyou can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get themanager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me backthe quarter, and said I owed $4.25 and he was sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDI__ SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSINGsign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars outhere! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossinganymore.From Kingman , KSIDI__SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked theperson behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce.From Kansas CityIDI__ SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employeeasked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Towhich I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Hesmiled knowingly and nodded,That's why we ask.Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDI__ SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Iwas crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She askedif I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind peoplewhen the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blindpeople doing driving?!She was a probation officer in Wichita , KSIDI__ SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving thecompany due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, This isfun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We alljust looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDI__ SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself andfor the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDI__ SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driversside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried thedoor handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to thetechnician, its open! His reply, I know. I already got that side.This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE , THEY DRIVE andthey REPRODUCE

Where else can I share these with you! sm [2008-02-01]
Okay, it's light-hearted! Something different. How about those frozen waves in Antartica? How about that floating Gazebo? Not funny. Just something amazing and different. I usually put Comedy Stop, Joke or something similar because it posts on the main board too. This way someone can immediately skip it if they are hard at work and do not have time to read it. If I put video, then someone will know that it is going to take time to view and maybe they don't have the time.

AN APOLOGY TO EVERYONE! The pics came from email and did not follow over here. [2008-01-24]
I won't post those again. They were just so funny and I wanted to share. I really did go out and came back in to Comedy Stop and I could see the pics. (maybe I'm beginning to see things that I want to see!) I thought they were posting. Anyway, if there are any that you want me to send to you by email, put the name of the ones you want and I will email them to you. Also, be sure to include your email address.I've tried to send emails for requests from this site and I get a mail demon. Have a great day!

Work (Funny - pictures with it!) [2008-01-22]
Hope these pictures come up for you and move after I post them! Just got it in my e-mail and have to share it! Have a great day! Do you feel like working today?Tomorrow?The day after?Next week?Next Month?Me neither!I just want to party!

Still waiting...(Funny) Hope the picture posts... [2008-01-22]
I've got to get busy....if this picture does not post, I will try again later today! toomuchfun... I did what you told me... I sent the email to 10 people like you said. I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen I couldn`t resist sending THIS one on!!!!! Now send this to everybody who sends you those 'pass this along or else' messages!!!!

Old Ain't For Sissies - If pictures don't post, I'll repost another time [2008-01-22]
Why am I getting more and more of these old age Emails? Old Ain't For Sissies!! An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away. A gentleman approached her said, Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind? Yes, I know, said the lady. But I need my hands to hold onto my hat. But madam, he said, you must know that you're derriere is exposed! The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Comedy Stop)) [2008-01-22]
Why did the chicken cross the road? DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stpd he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... ANDERSON COOPER- CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@^(C% ........ reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE : I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one? CHENEY : Where's my gun? AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

A fairy tale.... [2008-01-21]
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who did not whine, nag, and bit........ But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day. The End

A floating gazebo (picture)... [2008-01-21]
The man hasn't lived who would not be proud to be related to this genius. FLOATING GAZEBO I was going to build the Gazebo on the edge of my dock down by the lake but I thought ..I might just as well build the deck with floats on it and I can then take it out fishing too. Has 15,000# capacity. The deck is 18ft x 18ft with 12 plastic foam filled dock floats that are 4ft x 4ft by 18 inch. high. and the Gazebo is 10 ft. Hexagon with a table and chairs inside. Under the table is my trolling motor so I can take it out to my favorite fishing hole. The trolling motor is remote controlled wireless so I can be fishing outside and operate the motor. On the top of the table I have a LOWRANCE Fish-Finder with depth sounding sonars and temp gauge. I have 2 electric winches with 40# anchors. I have also built in a water pump so I can clean the fish right on the spot. Now I can relax and fish while my wife can sit and relax.