LOL, kind of gross I agree..

Wow, that's kind of offensive. nm [2008-11-10]
.

LOL, kind of gross I agree.. [2008-02-02]
x

ASR humor - this is gross but funny SM [2007-11-03]
Regarding bowel function, the patient has difficulty when she eats fruits and testicles.

WARNING: This is really gross but it's really funny so read it anyway! [2007-08-22]
Since I'm sure we're on someone's poop list- (isn't that how it works??)I thought I'd send you a REAL poop list!!! Be prepared to LAUGH! :) The “Ghost” Poop The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there’s no poop in the bowl. The “Clean” Poop The kind where you feel the poop come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there’s no poop on the paper. The “Wet” Poop You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with skid marks. The “Second Wave” Poop This poop usually happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poop some more. The “Brain Hemorrhage” Poop You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. The “Corn Cob” Poop No explanation necessary. The “Lincoln Log” Poop The kind of poopie that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. The “Notorious Drinker” Poop The kind of poop you have the morning-after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. The “Gee, I Really Wish I Could” Poop The kind where you want to poop but, even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped and farting. (very frustrating if you’re using a pay toilet.) The “Power Dump” Poop The kind that comes out so fast that you barely get your pants down when you’re done. The “Liquid Plumber” Poop This kind of poop is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the “Lincoln Log” poop.) The “Spinal Tap” Poop The kind of poop that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways. The “I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Asshole” Poop Similar to the “Lincoln Log” and “Spinal Tap” poop. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterward. The “Porridge” Poop The type of poop that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. The “I Think I’m Turning into a Bunny” Poop When you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. The “I’m Going to Chew my Food Better” Poop When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates your insides on the way out. The “What the Heck Died in Here” Poop Also sometimes referred to as the “Toxic Dump” poop. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air. The “I Just Know There’s a Turd Still Hanging There” Poop Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe it now, it’s going to smear all over the place. The “Fire In the Bowl” Poop The kind of poop that singes the hair around your butt from the big feed of Mexican food the night before.

Very funny from Hayseed the atheist. LOL. I know we don't agree but [2007-08-13]
I love your posts. Always always makes me laugh.

I agree... [2007-07-13]
Loved it and wished more people thought like this, but nothing George Carlin would say.

I agree...I would bet that hbmt has poked fun--sm [2007-06-08]
at lots of other people, but that is okay, because she is doing it! Jokes are made about the president every single day and HE doesn't get upset about it.

Oh that is GROSS! [2007-02-20]
ABG'd (already been gummed) peanuts!

I agree with everything BUT the birthday - [2006-07-10]
those are celebrated wholeheartedly in our family ... beats being dead! Otherwise, great post!

Cows, Geopolitics, and Big Business [2008-11-18]
From http://www.extremelysmart.com/humor/cowsexplain.php © 2008 Jerry A. Merchant and Mary W. Matthews **** Confused about the difference between socialism, Communism, and the politics of huge corporations? This basic “dictionary” may help. Feudalism: You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream. Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of your cows and gives it to your neighbor. You're both forced to join a cooperative where you have to teach your neighbor how to take care of his cow. Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as its regulations say you should need. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for you share of the milk, but it's so long that the milk is sour by the time you get it. Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair Cowgate. The cows are set free. Democracy, Democrat-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being so successful. You vote politicians into office who tax your cows, which forces you to sell one to pay the tax. The politicians use the tax money to buy a cow for your neighbor. You feel good. Barbra Streisand sings for you. Democracy, Republican-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You move to a better neighborhood. Indian Democracy: You have two cows. You worship them. British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, and a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry. Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. Capitalism: You have two cows. You lay one off, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when she drops dead. Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. Hong Kong Capitalism (alias Enron Capitalism): You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute an debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Isands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad. Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. Foreign Policy, American-Style: You have two cows. The government taxes them and uses the money to buy a cow for a poor farmer a country ruled by a dictator. The farmer has no hay to feed the cow and his religion forbids him from eating it. The cow dies. The man dies. The dictator confiscates the dead man's farm and sells it, using the money to purchase US military equipment. The President declares the program a success and announces closer ties with our new ally. Bureaucracy, American-Style: You have two cows but you have to kill one of them because the government will only give you a license for one of them. The license requires you to sell all your milk to the government, which uses it to make cheese. The government pays lots of money to store the cheese in refrigerated warehouses. When the cheese spoils, the government distributes it to the poor. The poor get sick from the cheese, go to the emergency room, and are turned away because they have no health insurance. The President declares the program a success and reminds us that we have the finest health care system in the world. American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one to a subsidiary company and lease it back to yourself so you can declare it as a tax loss. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. You inject the cows with drugs and they produce four times the normal amount of milk. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. When the drugs cause one of the cows to drop dead you announce to the press that you have down-sized, reducing expenses by 50 percent. The company stock goes up and your bosses give you a huge bonus. You lay off all your workers and move your production facilities to Mexico. You get a huge bonus. You contribute some of your profit to the President's re-election campaign. The President announces tax cuts for corporations in order to stimulate the economy. Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You teach the cows to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Your cows always get higher test scores than cows in the U.S. or Europe, but they drink a lot of sake. German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year and are very expensive to repair. Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and discover you really have five cows! You have more vodka. You count them again and discover you have 42 cows! You stop counting cows and have some more vodka. The Russian Mafia arrives and takes over all your cows. You have more vodka. Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you can't find them. While searching for them you meet a beautiful woman, take her out to lunch and then make love to her. Life is good. French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want another cow, more vacation and shorter work weeks. The French government announces that it will never agree to your demands. You go to lunch and eat fabulous food and drink wonderful wine. While you are at lunch, the airline pilots and flight controllers join your strike, shutting down all air traffic. The truckers block all the roads and the dock workers block all the ports. By dinner time the French government announces it agrees with all your demands. Life is good. Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of ownership is an outdated symbol of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. They get married and adopt a calf. Counterculturalism: Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk. Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

that's comedy board [2008-11-12]
come here to get a laugh and find more and more of this kind of ranting and raving. shame on you all...at least post it on the politics board!

Grandma still drives !! [2008-08-27]
GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!! Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her owncar. She writes:Dear Grand-daughter,The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honkif you love Jesus' bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughtabout the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light hadchanged.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,I'd never have noticed.I found that lots of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, andthen he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!''Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all thoseloving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard himyelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuckup in the air.I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment thatthey got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is whenI noticed the light had changed.So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove onthrough the intersection.I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leavethem after all the love we had shared.So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,Love, Grandma

Harold & Kumar go to White Castle [2008-05-24]
Remember when Harold got pulled over by the racist cop and Kumar stuck up for him, and the cop goes, ...yeah Kumar, bust your as_!.....what kind of name is that anyway.....what is that like five O http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hS90u2Zg_3I

I can beat the naked fireman pic. [2008-03-29]
Mine's a marine, and he's a babe of another kind.

Thought you would have fun with this! [2008-03-10]
This was interesting. Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are True descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real Deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets Worse from there.Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.AQUARIUS- The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.PISCES- The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative.May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.ARIES- The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of badLuck if you do not forwardGEMINI- The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.CANCER- The Protector (June 21 - July 22)Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LEO- The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.VIRGO- The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to.Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LIBRA- The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SCORPIO- The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SAGITTARIUS- The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14 years of bad luck if you do not forwardSend away!!~ Ready . set............ GO!1-3 people= 1 minute of luck4-7 people= 1 hour of luck8-12 people = 1 day of luck13-17 People = 1 week of luck18-22 people = 1 month of luck23-27 people = 3 Months of luck28-32 people = 7 months of luck33-37 people = 1 year of luck

Dr. Phil's Test (This might have been posted before.. ??) [2008-02-26]
Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out! Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the person who sent it to you.) Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now --- not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question. Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready?? Begin. 1 When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon ¢Ê early evening c) late at night 2 You usually walk... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly 3. When talking to people you. .. a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair 4. When relaxing, you sit with. . a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you 5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you ... a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed 7.You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes 8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are. . a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers 10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant POINTS: 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 7 (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 ( c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 Now add up the total number of points. OVER 60 POINTS : Others see you as someone they should handle with care. You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you. 51 TO 60 POINTS : Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate. 41 TO 50 POINTS : Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. 31 TO 40 POINTS : Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken. 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then , usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature. UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some peopl e think you' re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't. Now forward this to others, and put your score in the subject box of your e-mail, like this: Dr. Phil's Test, I'm a ..

Two medical students were walking along... [2008-02-17]
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an oldman walking with his legs spread apart One of the students said to his friend: I'm sure he has PetrySyndrome. Those people walk just like that. The other student says: No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class.Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. Theyapproached him and one of the students said to him: We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?The old man said: I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think. One of the students said: I think it's Petry Syndrome. The old man said: You thought.......... but you are wrong. Then the other student said: I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome. The old man said: You thought.......... but you are wrong.So they asked him: Well, what do you have? The old man said: I thought it was GAS....... ................but I was wrong !

Idi__ Sightings! (Comedy Stop, of course!) [2008-02-01]
TOO FUNNY!!!(Had to remove the bad word - last two letters o..t! I hope this does not offend anyone. It's all done in fun. Let me know if it does and I won't post something like this again. Of course, the moderator might let me know first!!! Have a great day and try to stay warm!)IDI__ SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us thatone of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on theopener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Searsmade at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, youneed a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..We haven't used Sears repair since.IDI__ SIGHTINGMy daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gavethe clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, you gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this wayyou can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get themanager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me backthe quarter, and said I owed $4.25 and he was sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDI__ SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSINGsign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars outhere! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossinganymore.From Kingman , KSIDI__SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked theperson behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce.From Kansas CityIDI__ SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employeeasked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Towhich I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Hesmiled knowingly and nodded,That's why we ask.Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDI__ SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Iwas crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She askedif I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind peoplewhen the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blindpeople doing driving?!She was a probation officer in Wichita , KSIDI__ SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving thecompany due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, This isfun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We alljust looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDI__ SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself andfor the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDI__ SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driversside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried thedoor handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to thetechnician, its open! His reply, I know. I already got that side.This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE , THEY DRIVE andthey REPRODUCE

Angels explained by children! (Comedy) [2008-02-01]
Angels Explained by ChildrenI only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.--Gregory, 5Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. --Olive, 9It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go toheaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. Andthen you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. --Matthew, 9Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.--Mitchell, 7My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good forscience.--Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows.--Jack, 6Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.--Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.--Reagan, 10Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. --Sara, 6Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.--Jared, 8All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.--Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. --Katelynn, 9Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. --Vicki, 8What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.--Sarah, 7

stop feeding the birds... [2008-01-26]
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it lovingly with seed. It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder. Within aweek we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free andeasily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the bird crap. It was everywhere; on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere! Then some of the birds turned mean. They woulddive bomb me and try topeck me even though I hadfed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's see.... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the millions. Suddenlyour taxes went up to pay forfree services; small apartmentsare housing five or more families; you have to waitsix hours to be seen by a doctor in an emergency room because it is filled with illegals; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Its just my opinion but: maybe, just maybe, it's time for the government to take down the darn bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the crap.

Too funny! [2007-12-22]
Oh my goodness - agree - can't stop laughing! Thanks!

Interesting study findings by Dept of Psychiatry [2007-12-19]
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kindof face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she isin her menstrual cycle.For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends tobe more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged inhis chest while he is on fire. No further studies are planned at this time.

Yes, the term is correct; it just strikes the OP (sm) [2007-11-18]
as amusing. She started another thread, I think on the Gab Board, on words that are gross. She's just having fun with words.

Another blonde one [2007-10-23]
BLONDE AT A BUS STOP In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him ''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! '' At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.''

LOL! If you are reading this at night - do NOT play [2007-10-13]
I agree! Woke me right up!! And will probably keep me up all night tonight.... :)

Sumbich [2007-09-20]
Subject: SUMBICH A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising h-e-double hockey sticks. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,No, that's okay I don't want it, said Leroy. The rich man said, Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then? No thanks, I don't want it, answered Leroy. The host said, Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, Well, Leroy, then what do you want? Leroy said, I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool! See what's new at AOL.com and Make AOL Your Homepage.

Complaint letter [2007-09-11]
Actual Complaint Letter Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.. which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: Have a Happy Period. Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness -is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick SM freak girl, there will never be anything happy about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of Pete, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like Put Down the Hammer or Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong, or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep... Always. Best,Wendi AaronsAustin , TX

Hahahaha- I've had a couple lately [2007-09-10]
one actually made a little sense- it was corroded artery disease instead of coronary artery disease. This one still kills me- the doctor was talking about the patient's caffeine intake and he said very clearly the patient drinks diet Coke daily. The VR draft said the patient drinks diet Pepsi daily. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA we all had to wonder if there is some kind of kickbacks going on there. :D

WARNING: This is really gross but it's really funny so read it anyway! [2007-08-22]
Since I'm sure we're on someone's poop list- (isn't that how it works??)I thought I'd send you a REAL poop list!!! Be prepared to LAUGH! :) The “Ghost” Poop The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there’s no poop in the bowl. The “Clean” Poop The kind where you feel the poop come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there’s no poop on the paper. The “Wet” Poop You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with skid marks. The “Second Wave” Poop This poop usually happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poop some more. The “Brain Hemorrhage” Poop You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. The “Corn Cob” Poop No explanation necessary. The “Lincoln Log” Poop The kind of poopie that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. The “Notorious Drinker” Poop The kind of poop you have the morning-after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. The “Gee, I Really Wish I Could” Poop The kind where you want to poop but, even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped and farting. (very frustrating if you’re using a pay toilet.) The “Power Dump” Poop The kind that comes out so fast that you barely get your pants down when you’re done. The “Liquid Plumber” Poop This kind of poop is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the “Lincoln Log” poop.) The “Spinal Tap” Poop The kind of poop that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways. The “I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Asshole” Poop Similar to the “Lincoln Log” and “Spinal Tap” poop. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterward. The “Porridge” Poop The type of poop that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. The “I Think I’m Turning into a Bunny” Poop When you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. The “I’m Going to Chew my Food Better” Poop When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates your insides on the way out. The “What the Heck Died in Here” Poop Also sometimes referred to as the “Toxic Dump” poop. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air. The “I Just Know There’s a Turd Still Hanging There” Poop Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe it now, it’s going to smear all over the place. The “Fire In the Bowl” Poop The kind of poop that singes the hair around your butt from the big feed of Mexican food the night before.

Understanding a woman [2007-08-19]
Understanding a Woman We need REALLY MEANS I want You want REALLY MEANS You need It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now. We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later. You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to. I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period. Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I don't want you to seemy body. This kitchen is sosmall. REALLY MEANS I want a new house. You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me. Yes REALLY MEANS No No REALLY MEANS No Maybe REALLY MEANS No Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while. Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm not fat. I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry. Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it. Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby. I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANSOf courseI am yelling because I think this is important. All we're going to buy is a soap dish? REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?

LOL I know some people like that [2007-07-19]
I'm getting crotchety in my old age - no more Peace and Love generation. I want to be the kind of old lady who whaps people with her cane.

Trip to Wal-Mart [2007-07-17]
You are in the middle of some kind of project around thehouse. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, paintingthe living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty.Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clotheson. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch,old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an oldpair of tennis shoes.Right in the middle of this great home improvement projectyou realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something tohelp complete the job. Depending on your age you might dothe following.In your 20's:Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dryyour hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on cleanclothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dabof your favorite cologne because you never know, you justmight meet some hot chick while standing in the checkoutlane. You went to school with the pretty girl running theregister.In your 30's:Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for muchelse. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself inthe mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favoritecologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running theregister is the kid sister to someone you went to schoolwith.In your 40's:Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is longenough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Puton different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running theregister is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinkingshe is spicy.In your 50's:Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt offyour hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don'twant to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself inthe mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymorebecause it makes you look fat. The Cutie running theregister smiles when she sees you coming and you think youstill have it. Then you remember the hat you have on isfrom your buddy's bait shop and it says, I Got Worms.In your 60's:Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hoseoff the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shatteredwhen you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear onso nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girlrunning the register may be cute but you don't have yourglasses on so you are not sure.In your 70's:Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until theyhave your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice thedog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the registersmiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.In your 80's:Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go toWal-Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is youare looking for. Fart out loud and you think someonecalled out your name. The old lady that greeted you at thefront door went to school with you.In your 90's:Stop what you are doing.

Me too, but also the sound! [2007-07-06]
It kind of made a sticky sound as you ran the copies. Very strange looking process. The lettering had to be large and neat for them to copy clearly. Funny what you remember from 35 years ago.

Liver and Cheese [2007-06-17]
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, Girl Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me. The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, I love liver and cheese. Oh, how childish, said the Girl Poodle. That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever. She turns to the tall,shiny Golden Retriever and says How well can you do? Um. I HATE liver and cheese, blurts the Golden Retriever. My, my, said the Poodle. I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence. She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, How about you, little guy?The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua . He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ..... Liver alone. Cheese mine.(picture won't show up - it's of a chihuaua. (sp?)