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Catholic humor [2008-09-20]
One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of theholy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws awayhis crutches.An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell thepriest what he'd just seen.Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed amiracle. Tell me, where is this man?'Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.'
UPS pilot gripes, mechanic humor [2008-08-12]
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.....
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPSpilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an S). By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. * P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. * P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit * P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. * P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. * P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. * P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. * P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. * P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. * P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search * P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. * P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. * P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. * And the best one for last * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
Good 'ole redneck humor... [2008-06-27]
Howdy. Is this the sheriff's department? Yep. What do you want? Well, you see I'm calling about my neighbor Virgil. The thing is, he's hiding a stash of marijuana inside his firewood... Thank you very much for your call, sir. The following day, the local sheriff and his band of deputies descended on Virgil's house. Bursting into his shed, they find the stash of firewood. Using axes, they bust open every single piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Virgil and left... The phone then rings inside Virgil's house: Hey there Virgil, this here's Bubba...Did the sheriff come to yer house? Yeah! Did they chop yer firewood? Yep. Happy Birthday, Buddy
A Little San Francisco Humor... [2008-02-27]
A nurse was on duty ina San Francisco Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Montana humor [2008-01-13]
Montana State Troopers get special training?
Sick Maine humor. [2007-11-28]
A young fellow from Spruce Head, Maine walks into a seedy cafe in Rockland, Maine. He sits at the counter and notices an old fisherman with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chowda. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young fellow bravely asks the old fisherman, If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?
The older fellow slowly turns his head toward the younger man and in his best Down East manner says, Nah, go ahead
Eagerly, the young fellow reaches over and slides the chowda bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the bottom. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the meal into the bowl.
The old fisherman quietly says, Ayuh, that's as far as I got, too.
X-Rated MT humor [2007-11-17]
This pt has a pilon fracture of the tibia. However, good ole speech recognition insists on recognizing the penile fracture. Talk about a bone(r)
ASR humor - this is gross but funny SM [2007-11-03]
Regarding bowel function, the patient has difficulty when she eats fruits and testicles.
ASR humor [2007-09-24]
Allergies: My sentences cause headaches.
I think I am allergic to her sentences too.
nurses do have a sense of humor [2007-08-22]
see image
You can use humor without being insensitive [2007-06-08]
So why don't you stick it where the sun don't shine and I hope that's hillbilly enough for you!!
I do not find any humor in this at all... [2007-01-27]
But that would be only if you asked me personally.... JMO! I think someone needs a nappie and quick.
and I am SOOO glad to see the humor board again - [2006-07-10]
it has been a great time to read all the goods...thanks, mtstars!
I can see the humor but [2006-01-28]
being a silent sufferer with motor tics and occasional blurts myself, and having a child who has apparently inherited this tendency, it stings a bit when someone pokes fun like that.
It is nice comic relief when the doc does something like that - I had one start the dictation as he was ending a funny suggestion to a co worker - those few seconds made me laugh and made him seem like more than just a voice on my computer.
Cows, Geopolitics, and Big Business [2008-11-18]
From http://www.extremelysmart.com/humor/cowsexplain.php
© 2008 Jerry A. Merchant and Mary W. Matthews
****
Confused about the difference between socialism, Communism, and the politics of huge corporations? This basic “dictionary” may help.
Feudalism: You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream.
Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of your cows and gives it to your neighbor. You're both forced to join a cooperative where you have to teach your neighbor how to take care of his cow.
Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as its regulations say you should need.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for you share of the milk, but it's so long that the milk is sour by the time you get it.
Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair Cowgate. The cows are set free.
Democracy, Democrat-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being so successful. You vote politicians into office who tax your cows, which forces you to sell one to pay the tax. The politicians use the tax money to buy a cow for your neighbor. You feel good. Barbra Streisand sings for you.
Democracy, Republican-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You move to a better neighborhood.
Indian Democracy: You have two cows. You worship them.
British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, and a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You lay one off, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when she drops dead.
Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
Hong Kong Capitalism (alias Enron Capitalism):
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute an debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.
The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Isands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company.
The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Foreign Policy, American-Style: You have two cows. The government taxes them and uses the money to buy a cow for a poor farmer a country ruled by a dictator. The farmer has no hay to feed the cow and his religion forbids him from eating it. The cow dies. The man dies. The dictator confiscates the dead man's farm and sells it, using the money to purchase US military equipment. The President declares the program a success and announces closer ties with our new ally.
Bureaucracy, American-Style: You have two cows but you have to kill one of them because the government will only give you a license for one of them. The license requires you to sell all your milk to the government, which uses it to make cheese. The government pays lots of money to store the cheese in refrigerated warehouses. When the cheese spoils, the government distributes it to the poor. The poor get sick from the cheese, go to the emergency room, and are turned away because they have no health insurance. The President declares the program a success and reminds us that we have the finest health care system in the world.
American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one to a subsidiary company and lease it back to yourself so you can declare it as a tax loss. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. You inject the cows with drugs and they produce four times the normal amount of milk. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. When the drugs cause one of the cows to drop dead you announce to the press that you have down-sized, reducing expenses by 50 percent. The company stock goes up and your bosses give you a huge bonus. You lay off all your workers and move your production facilities to Mexico. You get a huge bonus. You contribute some of your profit to the President's re-election campaign. The President announces tax cuts for corporations in order to stimulate the economy.
Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You teach the cows to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Your cows always get higher test scores than cows in the U.S. or Europe, but they drink a lot of sake.
German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year and are very expensive to repair.
Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and discover you really have five cows! You have more vodka. You count them again and discover you have 42 cows! You stop counting cows and have some more vodka. The Russian Mafia arrives and takes over all your cows. You have more vodka.
Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you can't find them. While searching for them you meet a beautiful woman, take her out to lunch and then make love to her. Life is good.
French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want another cow, more vacation and shorter work weeks. The French government announces that it will never agree to your demands. You go to lunch and eat fabulous food and drink wonderful wine. While you are at lunch, the airline pilots and flight controllers join your strike, shutting down all air traffic. The truckers block all the roads and the dock workers block all the ports. By dinner time the French government announces it agrees with all your demands. Life is good.
Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of ownership is an outdated symbol of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. They get married and adopt a calf.
Counterculturalism: Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
The history of liberals and conservatives [2008-10-15]
I posted this on the politics board too - It's half political/half humor.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals 2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jack@ss.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most are social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain.
Have a great day!
UPS pilot gripes, mechanic humor [2008-08-12]
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.....
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPSpilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an S). By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. * P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. * P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit * P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. * P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. * P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. * P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. * P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. * P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. * P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search * P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. * P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. * P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. * And the best one for last * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
Red Skelton [2008-03-07]
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you willenjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Kentucky. 3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time! she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric Toaster and electric bread maker. She said There are too many gadgets, and no place To sit down! So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well Because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.She told me, In the lake. 8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late ? The driver said, No, jump in. 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her First name was ALWAYS. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, What's on the TV? I said, Dust! Can't you just hear him say all of these?.....those were the good old days When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple. And he always ended his programs with the words, God Bless
These were adorable [2008-02-20]
I am passing them on to my daughter. She is a 3rd and 4th grade teacher, and she is always telling me the funny things the kids say. She will truly enjoy this humor.
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire??? Comedy! [2008-01-19]
Who Wants To be AMillionaire ???
My wife and Iwere watching Who Wants To Be A Millionairewhile we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No!', she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' 'Yes!', she replied. Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.' That's the last thing I remember.
Poor woman,she has absolutelyNOsense of humor!
Montana humor [2008-01-13]
Montana State Troopers get special training?
Ouch! Can barely touch my toes! [2007-12-29]
Don't look at this web site if you are easily offended. I sometimes have a weird sense of humor that may not be appreciated by everyone. I just found these jokes on the previous web site that I posted bout the yacht. You've got to see the lady bent in half doing keyboarding!! I'll bet this is how all of you feel after the companies you work for get done with you!! Ouch! Can barely touch my toes!
http://www.ssqq.com/jokes/jokepicture.htm
Ouch! Can barely touch my toes! [2007-12-29]
Don't look at this web site if you are easily offended. I sometimes have a weird sense of humor that may not be appreciated by everyone. I just found these jokes on the previous web site that I posted bout the yacht. You've got to see the lady bent in half doing keyboarding!! I'll bet this is how all of you feel after the companies you work for get done with you!! Especially after you lose pay. Ouch! Can barely touch my toes!
http://www.ssqq.com/jokes/jokepicture.htm
Also, I like to read all the jokes. They make me laugh [2007-12-28]
out loud! These MT's have a wonderful sense of humor!
I see humor in other postings too!!! Ha!
The Merry Christmas Wave! [2007-12-18]
Of course, it's toilette humor!
http://www.toilette-humor.com/christmas/merry_xmas_wave.shtml
Don't Be Afraid to Post Now! [2007-06-09]
Isincerely hope that we are not reluctant to post on this comedy board because of a few spoil sports. Listen, if you are going to be offended so easily, DO NOT READ THESE POSTS. I, for one, enjoy the humor. Please don't let these fools keep you from sharing your humor with the rest of us!
Don't be afraid to post now! [2007-06-09]
I sincerely hope that we are not reluctant to post on this comedy board because of a few spoil sports. Listen, if you are going to be offended so easily, DO NOT READ THESE POSTS. I, for one, enjoy the humor. Please don't let these fools keep you from sharing your humor with the rest of us!
The young ventriloquist. [2007-05-23]
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: I've heard enough of yourdumb blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,but women in general.....and all in the name of humor!
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bastid on your knee!
For some reason, DH did not [2007-04-09]
see the humor in this joke. In fact, he asked me if I had been putting Miracle Grow in his underwear.
Without hesitation I replied, Apparently not.
He was insulted!
Funny Stuff!!! thanks for the laugh. [2006-10-09]
Love this sense of humor! LOLOLOL
Medical slang/acronyms [2006-07-23]
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk/humor-site/medical-acronyms.htm
Believe me I WAS taking it easy. [2006-01-28]
When someone jokes about somethingI see people stare at my kid for and ask what is his PROBLEM?, believe me I count to ten before saying anything.
Just pointing out that sometimes humor borders on the offensive.
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