Northern Lights

Northern Lights [2007-12-30]
You're right, this is Canada. A friend of mine moved to Hay River, North West Territories, and recently sent me these exact same pics. Yellowknife is across the Great Slave Lake from Hay River. And yes, it gets COLD there.

Northern lights over Yellowknife, Canada! [2007-12-29]
I think it is Canada. http://www.phunk.co.za/interesting/northern-lights-over-yellowknife-photos.html

If cars ran like computers [2008-12-03]
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computerindustry has, we wouldall be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to thegallon.' In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued apress releasestating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would allbe driving carswith the following characteristics:1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crashtwice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, youwould have to buy anew car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for noreason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of thewindows, shut off thecar, restart it, and reopen the windows before you couldcontinue. For somereason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause yourcar to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case youwould have toreinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,was reliable,five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but wouldrun on only fivepercent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warninglights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An IllegalOperation' warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?'before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car wouldlock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted thedoor handle, turnedthe key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers wouldhave to learn how todrive all over again because none of the controls wouldoperate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button toturn the engine offPS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, youcould call 'customerservice' and be instructed in some foreign language howto fix your caryourself!!!!

A Nun in Hooters Restaurant! [2008-03-17]
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each timethe lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom?The bartender replied, OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf. Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way, said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom? Well, now they know you're one of us, said the bartender,Would you like a drink? Nothank you, but, I still don't understand, said the puzzled nun. You see, laughed the bartender, every time someone lifts thefig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

Northern lights over Yellowknife, Canada! [2007-12-29]
I think it is Canada. http://www.phunk.co.za/interesting/northern-lights-over-yellowknife-photos.html

A child's view of the world.... [2007-12-07]
Subject:A child's view of the world......- She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye! My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, Did you start at 1? After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was THAT? A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are we alike? You're both old, he replied. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself! When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure. Look in your underwear, Grandpa, he advised. mine says I'm four to six. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That's interesting, she said, how do you make babies? It's simple, replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'. Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. Don't you know what pregnant means? she asked. Sure, said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one child. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrants..

In Honor of Not Very Smart People... [2007-12-05]
In Honour of Not Very Smart People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through nonsmartness (the S***** word is a bad word), here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods ....... On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- Do not turn upside down. (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) ========================== On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts. (talk about a news flash) =========================== On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) ========================== On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating. (...and you thought????...) ======================= On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) ==================================== On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) =========================== On a bar of Dial soap -- Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be???....) ============================ On some Swanson frozen dinners -- Serving suggestion: Defrost. (but, it's just a suggestion.) ======================== On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- Do not iron clothes on body. (but wouldn't this save me time?) ============================== On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness. (..I'm taking this because???....) ============================== On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to what?) ========================== On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use. (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) ============================== On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (Step 3: say what?) =========================== On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) ======================== On a Swedish chainsaw -- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) =========================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...

DUI - Rhode Island Style! [2007-11-19]
Only a person in Rhode Island could think of this. From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Lincoln, RI. After last call at the Lodge, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a cou ple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road headed toward 146. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken. I doubt it, said the truly proud driver. Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

Grandchildren's Logic [2007-08-19]
Grandchildren's Logic My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, Did you start at 1? ************************************************************ After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was THAT? *********************************************************** A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! ********************************************************** A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. *************************************************************** A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife. ******************************************************** Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, What caused the submarine to sink? With a look of incredulity Mark replied, Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!! ********************************************************** When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. ******************************************************* When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure. Look in your underwear, Grandma, he advised. Mine says I'm four to six. ******************************************************* A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. That's interesting, she said, How do you make babies? It's simple, replied the girl. You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es' ********************************************************** Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. Don't you know what pregnant means? she asked. Sure, said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child. ************************************************************ A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one youngster. No, said another, he's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrant.

Understanding a woman [2007-08-19]
Understanding a Woman We need REALLY MEANS I want You want REALLY MEANS You need It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now. We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later. You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to. I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period. Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I don't want you to seemy body. This kitchen is sosmall. REALLY MEANS I want a new house. You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me. Yes REALLY MEANS No No REALLY MEANS No Maybe REALLY MEANS No Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while. Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm not fat. I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry. Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it. Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby. I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANSOf courseI am yelling because I think this is important. All we're going to buy is a soap dish? REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?

A little something for us old folks [2007-06-20]
If you remember the original Hollywood Squares, you are definitely a golden oldie. Here's to all these late great comedians and Peter Marshall, the perfect straight man. Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False: A pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say I Love You? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are Do It, I Can Help, and I Can't Get Enough? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question,Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do He!l's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Quick Thinking [2006-08-05]
Subject: Quick Thinking A Florida senior citizen bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down I-75, speeding at 85 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. This is great, he thought, as he roared down the highway. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror, and discovered a Florida State Patrolofficer right behind him, blue lights flashing, and siren blaring. I can get away from him with no problem thought the man.He pushed the gas pedal all the way to the floor, and flew down thehighway at 100 mph.Then 110, and 150. Then he thought, What am doing? I'm too old for thiskind of thing. So he pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the officer to catch up with him. The officer pulled in behind the Corvette, and calmly walked up to thedriver's door.Sir, he said, looking at his watch. My shift ends in 20 minutes.If you can explain why you were speeding away from me,with an excuse that I've never heard before, I'll let you go. The man looked at the officer and said, Ten years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Patrol Officer, andthought you were bringing her back. Have a good day, Sir, said the officer.

This is cute [2006-04-11]
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m. the next morning. At 8:45 a.m. the following morning, there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they are really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of marbles.The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. I'm sorry, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions that I gave you yesterday............. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Teeny coastal town in Maine that is no longer [2006-02-16]
teeny. I now live in a teeny town in central Maine in a neighborhood where my kids and the neighborhood kids play kickball in the street and know tocome in at night when the street lights start to flicker on. And know enough to move the ball if a car does happen crawl down the street, in which case they all wave. I've had my catssince kittens and they are 12 and9 years old and are outdoor cats, so that's gotta tell you something. I wouldn't have it any other way, except maybe when it's 20 below and the snow is 3 feet deep. Then I'm saying, Honey, remember when we talked about moving to Hawaii?