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What did he say? Dictation - eh? [2008-10-16]
The patient has not had any perforator studies yet, but this will be done once this is healed, unless this does not heal. We will get them done before that.
I had a funny dictation [2008-10-15]
I was going to post this the other day but got to busy with work. My doc actually said....
The patient has extreme pain with moving his shoulders above his head
All I could think of was, yup, that would cause me extreme pain too.
This bit of dictation made me laugh: sm [2008-08-22]
He was caught in a shower and had to run.
Dictation chuckle [2008-07-24]
He was then in the ER on July 15 while I was on vacation with rash and hives.
Very funny dictation. [2008-04-21]
Thanks for posting. I really enjoyed them!
dictation funny [2008-01-25]
In family history, doctor dictated The patient died in 1998 from... Reanimation, maybe?
Dictation Waaazat? [2008-01-07]
In a report for a needle localization biopsy:
the specimen was sent to the radiologist for x-ray. X-ray of the specimen does reveal the calcification is in the specimen. After getting the report from the x-ray department, the bleeding points were controlled.
You mean she just lay there and bled until getting the x-ray report????
Okay, how about this one - another dictation [2008-01-07]
He is a heavy smoker. He smokes a pack per week for more than five years. He is single. He does not drink or smoke.
Do these people even listen to themselves???
ESL dictation: She bumped into a chest of her drawers. (NM) [2007-12-07]
x
Dictation funny [2007-12-06]
The doc was doing an HP. The patient had, among other things, an anxiety disorder and also chronic GERD symptoms. When he came to the medication list, he said the patient was on Zantex (!?). Wow - A new medication combination of Xanex and Zantac? Not a bad idea, come to think of it!
Dictation Bloopers [2006-07-13]
I definitely believe in editing the doctor's dictation, and the following are some reasons why:
The patient went home voiding well and walking on his previous pills.
She was then transferred to the floor under Dr. Smith.
The patient became pregnant shortly after seeing Dr. Cecutti.
We should start a list!
Dictation Guidelines for Physicians [2006-02-01]
DICTATION GUIDELINES FOR PHYSICIANS
Adherence to these guidelines will assure the highest quality transcribed reports in the shortest amount of time.
At the beginning of the dictation, take as deep a breath as you possibly can. Now, try to dictate the entire report before you have to inhale again.
When dictating a particularly difficult word or phrase, please turn your head and speak directly into your armpit.
We charge per character, including periods. An effective way to cut your cost is to dictate your entire report as one sentence.
It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.
If you have to sneeze or cough suddenly, please remove your head from your armpit and sneeze or cough directly into the microphone.
If you must eat while you dictate, please stay away from foods such as marshmallows, bananas, and pudding. Apples, pretzels, and celery are much better choices.
Please don’t stop dictating when you yawn. It throws off our rhythm.
If the patient’s name is Alan Ratzlaffenhasenphepherzinsky, please have the courtesy to spell Alan – there are several possible spellings, you know. For the last name, simply state the usual spelling.
It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.
Please note – the phrase well-developed, well-nourished white female is only three syllables.
Cardiologists, it is not necessary to dictate at the rate of your patient’s atrial fibrillation.
Do not stop dictating in the event of minor background noise such as an office party, the janitor’s vacuum cleaner, a screaming infant, etc. Again, it throws off our rhythm.
Be sure to place the emPHAsis on the CORrect syLLABLE, especially if enGLISH is your SECond lanGUAGE.
It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.
Talk as fast you possibly can. Fair’s fair; after all, we type as fast as we possibly can.
Please speak as quietly as you can.......we want to be able to hear what’s going on around you.
If you need to pause for 5 or 10 minutes between words or phrases, pounding the receiver on the desk or repeatedly saying, still dictating.... still dictating..... still dictating.... still dictating..... still dictating...... reminds us that indeed, you are still dictating.
Just because you need to use the restroom is no reason to stop dictating. Time is money!
Don’t dictate so loudly that you disrupt your fellow physicians’ football game in the doctors’ lounge. In fact, you really should whisper all of your dictation, since the information is confidential.
Similarly, if you are going to watch TV while dictating at home, please watch a war movie with lots of bombing, and be sure to have the volume high enough so everybody in your living room can hear above your talking.
If you need to correct yourself -- sorry, correct an error, please do not rewind the tape -- sorry, do not back up and record over the error -- sorry, wait, the mistake -- just continue with the sentence -- wait -- go back -- with the paragraph and fix the error -- er, the mistake.
Please go back and just delete that last guideline.
When dictating on your cell phone from your car, be sure to go through as many tunnels as possible. This will ensure confidentiality of the information.
You (y-o-u) do not need (n-e-e-d) to spell (s-p-e-l-l) obvious words (w-o-r-d-s) for us (u-s). It is our job (j-o-b) to know (k-n-o-w) how to (t-o) spell words that (t-h-a-t) we learned (l-e-a-r-n-e-d) in third (t-h-i-r-d) grade (g-r-a-d-e).
One last thing, it is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.
A dictation blooper [2005-12-29]
She reports that the work in her previous location was to pick up dead bodies and take them to the morgue, along with her husband.
TURKEY SURGERY [2008-11-23]
Dear Superpeach,
Thank you so much for a good laugh! I have a medical transcription class to teach on Monday before Thanksgiving, so I will read it to them, giving you credit, of course. Maybe I'll just tell them I have a class dictation of their first OP and let them figure it out!
Rosie
You might be a transcriptionist if: [2008-01-03]
You might be a medical Transcriptionist if/when:
The last book you read on vacation was a diagnostic guide to tendon injuries.
Someone yells duck and you start typing d-U-c-t in midair.
You start correcting people's grammar mistakes in a chat room dedicated to discussing movies and TV shows.
You know your gluteus maximus from your olecranon process.
Your favorite 3 words are end of dictation.
You refer to making your holiday turkey as prepping and draping in the usual fashion.
You guess the outcome of CSI in the first 5 minutes of the show after hearing the (not-so-mysterious) mysterious cause of death.
You can't go into a doctor's office without asking the receptionist Who does your medical transcription? or commenting to your own doctor that you think he's a bad dictator and you feel sorry for the MT working for him.
Your doctor tells you that you have a problem with your back but doesn't want to confuse you with the details and you ask him -- Were sagittal and coronal T1-weighted images performed and T2- and proton density-weighted images also obtained?
You think percussion is something that belongs more in a medical report than in a rock band.
You say to your honey, skip the flowers and chocolate for my birthday and get me the latest version of Stedman's Medical and Pharma spellchecker.
You offer your landscaper 7 cents per line of grass for mowing your lawn.
You press the left pedal in your car and you're surprised when the car doesn't go into reverse.
Your neighbor comes to you to make a diagnosis based on a series of symptoms and advise them on whether to have surgery or not. (you refuse of course LOL)
Your favorite quote is Acronyms bad, verbose originators good.
You can fix stuck keys on your computer keyboard by turning it upside down and banging out the crumbs.
You have a Mr. Coffee within arm's reach of your desk. The first place your husband and children look for you is at your desk rather than in the kitchen.
Your husband and children wave their hand between your face and the computer screen to get your attention.
You can fold laundry while sitting at your desk and listening to the latest dictator who speaks 5 words in 60 seconds... and still changes his mind 4 times on exactly how to put it.
You step on people's feet to get them to repeat what they just said.
You have a bladder capacity of more than a quart.
You have a bookshelf by your desk in which no two books are the same color.
Your dream is to someday have every book Stedman's makes.
Your wrist rest has food spots on it.
No one who doesn't know how to touch type can use your computer keyboard because at least half the keys have the letters worn off.
Your friends have to learn your macro names in order to read your emails to them.
Your husband and children have to learn your macro names in order to read the notes you write them.
You are the only one in your family who can understand the clerks at the 7-11.
You find watching only one TV screen at a time boring.
You correct the pharmacist's spelling.
It aggravates you that the keys on the telephone keypad are in a different order than the keys on the 10-key pad on your computer keyboard.
You have a mini refrigerator sitting next to your computer tower.
More than half the icons on your desktop have to do with drugs or dictionaries.
There are more coffee cups in your office than there are in the kitchen.
You have your Mr. Coffee plugged in to your UPS (battery backup).
Your friends want you to go to their doctor appointments with them so you can act as an interpreter.
You go to the doctor with your spouse who tells the doctor, She's a medical transcriptionist so I'll let her tell you what's wrong with me. To this, the doctor replies, OK...would you prefer to tell me or do you want to type it?
You flip back and forth between work and newsgroups.
You watch television commercials for prescription drugs very closely to see what the generic form is and how both are spelled.
You get an invitation to something that specifies work attire and you wonder if that means fluffy slippers, flip flops - or if it would be okay to show up barefoot.
You go to start the car to go to the grocery store and find the battery is dead. You don't know how long it's been dead.
ASR funny [2007-11-07]
The patient was pulled phalanx. (Is this the medical terminology for pull my finger?)
Actual translation: This completes the dictation on______, thanks.
A LOL ASR funny sm [2007-11-01]
Dictator says: This dictation is for (pt name)
ASR puts: This dictation is frightening.
No kidding! They all are, today.
Escription funnies [2007-08-15]
This is a report by Dr.Dictationfor patient Otto Recog Neizer. (This was put together from actual Escription bloopers in our facility in the last few months).
CHIEF COMPLAINT: Diving accident with paint. The patient fell from Iraq and Iran to the ER which is interesting because the patient has a history of Iraq's dismal atrial fibrillation.
HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS: Pulp space is a 59-year-old woman who suffered a fall possibly secondary to a sinkable episode. Boats and soft tissues within normal limits, however. The patient had been brought in to have her toenails trimmed as they had been coughing and causing her some pain. She complained of acute epigastric left sided upper abdominal pain since this morning but able to eat cereal probiotic breakfast. She eats three males a day. If she eats a larger than usual male she will have more frequent bowel movements and tend to have a flare up of abdominal pain.
PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: Head injury at age of 2 with fractured ball and repair leak leaving a slight bump on her forehead. Encouraged to try Lamisil cream twice daily to her toes and the bottoms of all her feet.
MEDICATIONS: Benadryl for tackling the NuvaRing.
She should be on 10 milk colons of potassium daily.
Assi fix for groan's disease.
ALLERGIES: The patient is allergic to irritable mice in Zosyn. SHe has allergies to certain pain pills which make her vomit Jake.
FAMILY HISTORY: Family history is positive for a grandfather spanking grandmother with bipolar disorder.
REVIEW OF SYSTEMS: Headaches involving the area right above her left eighth ear. No radiation of pain down her buttock into her arms. She does complain of porcelain leap.
SOCIAL HISTORY: The patient lives in an assisted living facility in Amputee, Oregon and is highly educated with a master's of dizziness at ministry. She is close to another resident who is described as a scrotal friend. She works for a stalker's association. Their house was molested by a realtor, and she had a nervous breakdown and has a Gore phobia. There is a scant left politician noted and a trace amount of Republican fluid. No suspicous public apology identified but admits to steering Boyce. The patient was toasted. She has been more irritable lately and has broken things such as marriages.
PHYSICAL EXAM:
GENERAL: Reveals an engaging female in no acute distress.
VITALS: She just, just, just died.
HEENT: The small doll appears normal. There is no head and apathy. There may be a very slight decreased density projecting over left my sorry sinus. Animal food bilateral maxillary sinuses. The right eye shows some mattress fee of the macula.
CHEST: There are sternal lawyers present.
ABDOMEN: No organomegaly or animality appreciated. There is compression of thunder like superficial salsa. Abdomen is soft, nontender, skinny positive bowel sounds. Dog is distended. There is an abundance tool in the right abdomen.
GENITALIA: Small left hydrocele otherwise no squirrel abnormality.
EXTREMETIES: Warm and well perfused though people pulses were decreased and in the phalanx of Jesus. Extensive spawned Olympic changes on the cycle junction.
NEUROLOGIC: THe patient is a right hand dominant, pig executive and a little bit hypo reflex sick. Cranial nerves 2-12 are intact with the exception of his horizontal nice diagnosis.
LABS AND IMAGING:
CHEST: Extensive postsurgical changes of a left upper lobectomy with a lucky lady effusion. The visualized lungAPCs are clear. The basilar vas hilarity is mildly increased with wild placement of the right lateral ventricle. Study shows television right hemidiaphragm unchanged. There is suspicion for a possible superior mediastinal mouse, for which a CAT scan is indicated. There is slight blunting of the right cost of chronic ankle. There is increased retrosternal hair space which results in mild narrowing of the drool sack.
PLAIN FILMS OF THE HIPS AND KNEES: The oval ossific density superior patellofemoral joint may represent a loose latte. There is calcification noted adjacent to the great atrocity representing residual of old nononosseous union of the onerous childhood process. Gonzo soft tissues within normal limits.
CT ABDOMEN/PELVIS: 8 mm calculus in the right renal pelvis, without evidence of obstructive teachers. On the left there is no evidence of stoner hydronephrotic change or renal cow collide. Nonspecific bilateral pelvic calcifications most likely flea bullets. Focus of the fatty staring in the litter is suggested. Small cavernous human genome in the right lobe of the liver along with a 7 mm lymph node to the pantheist. Apollo was seen in the gallbladder neck on sonography along with splenic Pharisees noted. There is also a solitary clip in the left parabolic gutter at about the level of the Iliad press. Oedipus is grossly unremarkable in appearance.
CT BRAIN/SPINE:Three view study shows no apparent bombing of humility. There is posterior Boeing of thecortex and slight narrowing of the spinal canal. There is diffusely mulching disk at this level. (good for gardening). There mayalso be anterior wenching of a lower thoracic or upper lumbar vertebral body which is only faintly seen on this daddy duty technique.
Lab results messy and found stabbed to the emergency room.
ASSESSMENT AND PLAN: End-stage hepatic failure secondary to Pepsi. We plan on carpeting this abnormality with rehydrating her gently and I recommended that she take upyoga or some back strengtheningsex and flexibility exercise on a routine basis. Encouraged to try Lamisil cream twice daily toher toes and the bottoms of all her feet. Further evaluation with drug visualization is recommended. This will need to be adjusted up, as the patient was running a little on the high side, althoughthere is no Russian doing this.
Medical Bloopers [2007-04-14]
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient had a rash over his truck.
Dictation blunder: lasar radar response (as opposed to vagovagal response).
One time I had a doc actually say [2007-04-14]
She got tickled and it took her a minute to get on with the dictation.
My funny typo. [2007-04-10]
Have you ever had a typo that just cracked you up?
I type mammograms along with chest x-rays, etc. While typing dictation that states Abnormal breath sounds, I have caught myself typing Abnormal breast sounds. Wonder what abnormal breast sounds sound like. And what exactly would a NORMAL breast sound sound like?
ASR funny for the day: sm [2007-02-01]
Loooong cardiology services letter. At the end of the report the doc states: Thank you for a lot of this chest pain -
I though, yeah, no kidding!
Actual dictation: Thank you for allowing me to participate....
The sky is falling! The sky is falling! [2007-01-24]
I have three jobs. I am over worked, and under paid. But as MTs aren't we all?
So today, Iwas trying to decide which single one job I could keep and make prosperous, but in the end I have decided none of them are any good. I'll knock doors and sell candy apples if I have to. . . . certainly would be more fun!
I just can't take thesecompanies serious anymore. They are much like geese in a hailstorm, running around the barnyard screaming, The sky is falling, the sky is falling! It's all your fault you @!#$ transcriptionist.
Meanwhile, I take very little serious anymore, having worked in a job where someone actually dies when you do not do a good job. After all, by comparison to that, everything else pales in it's degree of urgency. I try to explain to them, Look doofus, the sky is not falling. That was an acorn that bonked you on the head. Stay out from under the oak tree and you won't get bopped in your noggin.
I am calm in these drama queenemergencies.
Besides, a failure for the dictator to provide me with clear, concise, comprehendible dictation that I can transcribe, and a failure for the company I work for to have sufficient Quality Assurance people does not constitute an obligation or an emergency on my part. That's what they fail to understand. I have attitude. Remember I have not had a raise in 10+ years,in fact, I've had them cut my pay by making me type free stuff.
You are under the misguided opinion that Icare. Remember, I am a glorified typist without the benefit of a medical school education. Don't even try to pass your crisis to me, it's not my problem. I do the best I can with the skill I have. Your crisis is not my emergency. Are we clear?
Let 'em fire me, I could care. I will find another job. I have good job skills. Hopefully, it will be a better job without all the Chinese firedrill, and hailstone emergencies where I have to wear a hard hatas a safety measureto transcribe.
I know this is an old post, but you forgot one... [2006-10-11]
if you have to fly, please don't forget to dictate while the plane is taking off or to have not uploaded your last dictation so others can scream about where they are while you are MIA!!!
Dictation Bloopers [2006-07-13]
I definitely believe in editing the doctor's dictation, and the following are some reasons why:
The patient went home voiding well and walking on his previous pills.
She was then transferred to the floor under Dr. Smith.
The patient became pregnant shortly after seeing Dr. Cecutti.
We should start a list!
Dictation Guidelines for Physicians [2006-02-01]
DICTATION GUIDELINES FOR PHYSICIANS
Adherence to these guidelines will assure the highest quality transcribed reports in the shortest amount of time.
At the beginning of the dictation, take as deep a breath as you possibly can. Now, try to dictate the entire report before you have to inhale again.
When dictating a particularly difficult word or phrase, please turn your head and speak directly into your armpit.
We charge per character, including periods. An effective way to cut your cost is to dictate your entire report as one sentence.
It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.
If you have to sneeze or cough suddenly, please remove your head from your armpit and sneeze or cough directly into the microphone.
If you must eat while you dictate, please stay away from foods such as marshmallows, bananas, and pudding. Apples, pretzels, and celery are much better choices.
Please don’t stop dictating when you yawn. It throws off our rhythm.
If the patient’s name is Alan Ratzlaffenhasenphepherzinsky, please have the courtesy to spell Alan – there are several possible spellings, you know. For the last name, simply state the usual spelling.
It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.
Please note – the phrase well-developed, well-nourished white female is only three syllables.
Cardiologists, it is not necessary to dictate at the rate of your patient’s atrial fibrillation.
Do not stop dictating in the event of minor background noise such as an office party, the janitor’s vacuum cleaner, a screaming infant, etc. Again, it throws off our rhythm.
Be sure to place the emPHAsis on the CORrect syLLABLE, especially if enGLISH is your SECond lanGUAGE.
It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.
Talk as fast you possibly can. Fair’s fair; after all, we type as fast as we possibly can.
Please speak as quietly as you can.......we want to be able to hear what’s going on around you.
If you need to pause for 5 or 10 minutes between words or phrases, pounding the receiver on the desk or repeatedly saying, still dictating.... still dictating..... still dictating.... still dictating..... still dictating...... reminds us that indeed, you are still dictating.
Just because you need to use the restroom is no reason to stop dictating. Time is money!
Don’t dictate so loudly that you disrupt your fellow physicians’ football game in the doctors’ lounge. In fact, you really should whisper all of your dictation, since the information is confidential.
Similarly, if you are going to watch TV while dictating at home, please watch a war movie with lots of bombing, and be sure to have the volume high enough so everybody in your living room can hear above your talking.
If you need to correct yourself -- sorry, correct an error, please do not rewind the tape -- sorry, do not back up and record over the error -- sorry, wait, the mistake -- just continue with the sentence -- wait -- go back -- with the paragraph and fix the error -- er, the mistake.
Please go back and just delete that last guideline.
When dictating on your cell phone from your car, be sure to go through as many tunnels as possible. This will ensure confidentiality of the information.
You (y-o-u) do not need (n-e-e-d) to spell (s-p-e-l-l) obvious words (w-o-r-d-s) for us (u-s). It is our job (j-o-b) to know (k-n-o-w) how to (t-o) spell words that (t-h-a-t) we learned (l-e-a-r-n-e-d) in third (t-h-i-r-d) grade (g-r-a-d-e).
One last thing, it is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.
I can see the humor but [2006-01-28]
being a silent sufferer with motor tics and occasional blurts myself, and having a child who has apparently inherited this tendency, it stings a bit when someone pokes fun like that.
It is nice comic relief when the doc does something like that - I had one start the dictation as he was ending a funny suggestion to a co worker - those few seconds made me laugh and made him seem like more than just a voice on my computer.
What??? What goes through their minds? [2006-01-06]
I was just typing an HP for a male and female doc shouts out ovary, then goes back to the regular dictation. Um...what? Tourette's??? TGIF
Ever suspect doc of doin somethin' while dictating? [2005-10-19]
This Dr. dictates a couple of sentences and then whispers very low (thinking inaudible) to someonesomething in your office.... Later on in dictationdon't laugh, don't laugh.... Highly suspicious, LOL!!!
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