Power of Observation...

Power of Observation... [2008-01-17]
http://www.oldjoeblack.0nyx.com:80/thinktst.htm copy paste the link if needed.

Girl power! [2008-01-05]
Kick butt, yeah! :O)

Idi__ Sightings! (Comedy Stop, of course!) [2008-02-01]
TOO FUNNY!!!(Had to remove the bad word - last two letters o..t! I hope this does not offend anyone. It's all done in fun. Let me know if it does and I won't post something like this again. Of course, the moderator might let me know first!!! Have a great day and try to stay warm!)IDI__ SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us thatone of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on theopener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Searsmade at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, youneed a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..We haven't used Sears repair since.IDI__ SIGHTINGMy daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gavethe clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, you gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this wayyou can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get themanager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me backthe quarter, and said I owed $4.25 and he was sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDI__ SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSINGsign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars outhere! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossinganymore.From Kingman , KSIDI__SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked theperson behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce.From Kansas CityIDI__ SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employeeasked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Towhich I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Hesmiled knowingly and nodded,That's why we ask.Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDI__ SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Iwas crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She askedif I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind peoplewhen the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blindpeople doing driving?!She was a probation officer in Wichita , KSIDI__ SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving thecompany due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, This isfun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We alljust looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDI__ SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself andfor the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDI__ SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driversside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried thedoor handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to thetechnician, its open! His reply, I know. I already got that side.This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE , THEY DRIVE andthey REPRODUCE

A year in the life of a blonde...(joke) [2008-01-21]
A year in the Life of a Blonde January -- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February ---- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!! March -- Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said 2-4 years! April -- Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!! May -- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June -- Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July -- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August -- Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September -- The capital of :State of California is C.....isn't it??? October -- Hate M M's.....they are so hard to peel. November -- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December -- Couldn't call 911...duh.....there's no eleven Button on the phone!!!

1st Grade Logic! [2007-11-27]
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than Pregnant

New Drug Names [2007-10-03]
My MOTHER just sent me this one!!! Subject: Pharmacology 101 > > In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic > name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic > name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is > also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. > > The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After > careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently > announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. > Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, > Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. > > Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in > liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage > suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to > literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call > this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of > 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff > drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT > & DO. > > Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast > implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means > that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky > boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to > do with them. > > If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be > five fewer people laughing in the world.

Medical Terminology [2007-08-19]
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN ANTIBODY against everyone ARTERY the study of fine paintings BACTERIA back door to a cafeteria BANDAGES The Rolling Stones BARIUM what you do when CPR fails (bury 'em) BENIGN what you be after you be eight BOTULISM tendency to make mistakes BOWEL letters like A, E, I, O, or U CAESAREAN SECTION a district in Rome CARDIOLOGY advanced study of poker playing CAT SCAN searching for ones lost kitty CAUTERIZE made eye contact with her COLIC a sheep dog COMA a punctuation mark CONGENITAL friendly CORTIZONE the local courthouse D C Where Washington is DILATE to live longer ENEMA not a friend ENTERITIS a penchant for burglary ER the things on your head that you hear with FESTER quicker FIBRILLATE to tell lies G.I. SERIES baseball games between teams of soldiers GENES blue denim slacks GENITAL non-Jewish HANGNAIL a coathook HEMORRHOID a male from outer space HERPES what women do in the Ladies Room HORMONES what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid ICU peek-a-boo IMPOTENT distinguished, well known INPATIENT tired of waiting LABOR PAIN hurt at work MORBID a higher offer NITRATE lower than day rate NODE was aware of ORGAN TRANSPLANT what you do to your piano when you move ORGANIC church musician OUTPATIENT a person who has fainted PARALYZE two far-fetched stories PATHOLOGICAL a reasonable way to go PHARMACIST person who makes a living dealing in agriculture PLASTER CAST the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert POST-OPERATIVE a letter carrier PROTEIN in favor of young people (pro teen) RECOVERY ROOM place to upholster furniture RECTUM what happened to the Corvette RED BLOOD COUNT Dracula RHEUMATIC amorous SALINE where you go on your boyfriend's boat SECRETION hiding anything SEROLOGY study of English knighthood SURGERY a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply TABLET a small table TERMINAL ILLNESS getting sick at the airport TIBIA country in North Africa TRIPLE BYPASS better than a quarterback sneak TUMOR an extra pair URINE opposite of you're out VARICOSE very close VEIN conceited

Jesus versus Satan [2007-08-10]
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job. So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused... They faxed... They e-mailed... They e-mailed with attachments.. They downloaded... They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports... They created labels and cards... They created charts and graphs... They did some genealogy reports.. They did every job known to man... Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than he11. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off! Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out! Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. Wait! he screamed. That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any? God just shrugged and said, Jesus Saves.

Should children witness childbirth? [2007-07-19]
Subject: Should children witness childbirth? Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again.

Snakes are Dangerous [2007-04-17]
Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Breath here...... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snapfor that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her!!

Learning to Pay Attention [2007-03-23]
First-year students at Texas AM's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

This is funny. A little on the adult side. [2007-03-14]
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

In a sort of defense of lawyers [2007-01-04]
You could substitute the following professions: POLITICIANS (especially the criminals currently in power)But then how many politicians *aren't* lawyers? REAL ESTATE AGENTS (some not all of course) MORTGAGE BROKERS any others I missed? :)

Snow Blonde [2006-12-07]
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio while having breakfast. They heard the radio announcer say, We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through.Norman's wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are againeating breakfast, the radio announcer said, We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through. Norman's wife went out and, again, moved her car. The next week, during their breakfast, they heard the radio announcer say, We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park your car ..................... the power went out; the radio went dead. Norman's wife became very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through? With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who aremarried to blondes exhibit, Norman said, Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.

The priest, the preacher, and the rabbi....... [2006-10-09]
A priest, a preacher and a rabbi decide that since preaching to people is too easy, they'll test the power of their faith with a bear. They each have seven days to find a bear, convert it, then meet again with the results. The meeting happens at a local hospital, where they are recuperating. Father Flannery speaks first. My bear beat me up pretty good til I sprinkled him with holy water, then he became gentle as a lamb. He receives first communion and confirmation next week. Reverend Billy Bob, equally battered, says, My bear and I wrestled till I quick-dunked him in a creek and baptized his hairy soul. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Rabbi Meyers, full of IVs, lying immobile in a body cast, squeaks, Such agony...the bear...perhaps it was unwise to begin with the circumcision.