ROFL So many of them are true

ROFL - So many of them are true [2008-01-07]
I did see a commercial awhile back and realized I had been spelling the name of a drug wrong for years and years. HA HA

ROFL! That is hilarious! [2007-12-29]
Thanks for posting that! Sending to my cat-lovin DH!

ROFL...with towel in mouth so I don't wake [2007-12-14]
the hubby. That was so hysterical.

LMAO! So true! Both conditions... [2007-12-06]
feed off one another. Makes perfect sense.

Fun reading! True or Not? Don't know... [2007-12-03]
2 Tough Questions Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had Syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before looking at the response for this one. Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for? Candidate AAssociates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologerHe's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.Which of these candidates would be our choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response. Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt . Candidate B is Winston Churchill . Candidate C is Adolph Hitler . And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading.. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs...built the ark. Professionals...built the Titanic And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses * 3 have done time for assault * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year... Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. You gotta pass this on....2 TOUGH QUESTIONS

That is hysterical! So true!!! nm [2007-10-13]

ROFL!!! Here are still a few more... [2007-09-02]
THE CROWD PLEASER: This is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE MOOD ENHANCER: This occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL: This occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE AFTERSHOCK: This has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE HONEYMOON'S OVER: This is any poopie created in the presence of another person THE FLOATER: Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE PEEK-A-BOO: Now you see it, now you don't. This poopie is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE SNAKE CHARMER: A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position -- usually harmless. THE PERFECT POOPIE: Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it. THE CHILI POOPIE: Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili poopie stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield. THE CABLE POOPIE: Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from? you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself. THE SPLASH BACK POOPIE: You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping. THE ABORTED POOPIE: You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do. THE MACHINE GUN POOPIE: You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...freakin' commies. THE HOUDINI POOPIE: You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in. THE GRAFFITI POOPIE: You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there...love it or leave it. It's your choice. THE BORN AGAIN POOPIE: This is a dump that's going so badly, you say Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth ...you forget the pain quickly. THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

True friendship. [2007-08-23]
True Friendship None of that Sissy Crap Are you tired of those sissy friendship poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card--just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastid who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hells away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. Why? you may ask; because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

ROFL [2007-07-24]
This was hysterical! SMACK'IM AGAIN!

True. I just had to [2007-07-09]
research it because it sounded like George had changed his religion - didn't sound like what I remembered from him. But it would have been great if it had.

ROFL [2007-06-17]
I kept reading Hayseed's post over and over, trying to find the one about cows making diet Coke. Talk about a blonde moment!!!

ROFL!! LMAO!! nm [2007-05-27]
xx

Oh so true! [2007-04-02]

OMG - I cannot believe this *ROFL* [2007-03-24]

Funny and oh so true! [2007-03-20]
Thanks for the laughon this gray and coldmorning!

American Idol - True story [2007-01-19]
For all of those who caught the American Idol auditions in Seattle last night... After watching all the weird people try out for American Idol my husband turned to me and said....see that what happens to you when you don't get enough sun

ROFL....very very funny!!!!....heh heh heh [2006-12-16]

So very true!!!! nm [2006-03-15]
l

So true and so funny! [2006-02-07]
and so frustrating!

So true [2006-01-23]
That was back in a time when society worked together and supported one another. For example, if I did something up the street, by the time I got home my mother already knew what I had done and took care of the situation. We had an opportunity to learn from our mistakes. The kids now-a-days are just learning that if they are disciplined in any way, they can just call the child services. At least we had respect and we entertained ourselves without really hurting anyone, just being mischievous.

So true, but keep this in mind. . . [2006-01-22]
When we were bouncing around in the back of a pickup truck or jumping on the backseat of the car looking out the back window, there were about 3 other cars on the road and they were all doing the speed limit and my dad would stop and chat with at least 2 of them. :) We didn't wear bike helmets because we rode those bikes with the big fat tires and banana seats right down the middle of the road. We only had to go to the side in the event that there actually was a car coming or you were going uphill because you had to get off and push it (no gears).

The history of liberals and conservatives [2008-10-15]
I posted this on the politics board too - It's half political/half humor. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were: 1. The invention of beer, and 2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man. These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jack@ss. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most are social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history....... It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain. Have a great day!

Master Card Wedding! [2008-03-17]
This may not be a true story. I'm not sure! But it's funny!

Thought you would have fun with this! [2008-03-10]
This was interesting. Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are True descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real Deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets Worse from there.Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.AQUARIUS- The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.PISCES- The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative.May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.ARIES- The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of badLuck if you do not forwardGEMINI- The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.CANCER- The Protector (June 21 - July 22)Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LEO- The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.VIRGO- The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to.Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.LIBRA- The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SCORPIO- The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.SAGITTARIUS- The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14 years of bad luck if you do not forwardSend away!!~ Ready . set............ GO!1-3 people= 1 minute of luck4-7 people= 1 hour of luck8-12 people = 1 day of luck13-17 People = 1 week of luck18-22 people = 1 month of luck23-27 people = 3 Months of luck28-32 people = 7 months of luck33-37 people = 1 year of luck

9 WORDS WOMEN USE [2008-03-10]
9 WORDS WOMEN USE (1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm.This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an id and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever'). (8)Whatever:Is a women's way of saying____YOU! (9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. * Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

Thanks [2008-03-10]
This was So true! I found myself agreeing and laughing at each one.

A TEST FOR OLD KIDS! [2008-03-05]
A TEST FOR OLD KIDS:I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us �old kids! (The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.)01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, �Who was that masked man?� Invariably, someone would answer, �I don't know, but he left this behind.� What did he leave behind? ________________.02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.03 Get your kicks, __________________.04. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we danced under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the �_____________.07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestl�s makes the very best . . . . . _______________.08. Satchmo was America�s Ambassador of Goodwill. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His first last name was ________ _________.09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, Good Night, and ________ ________.11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ _______________.13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, the day the music died.� This was a tribute to ___________________.14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ______________.15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________-________. ANSWERS:01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.02. The Ed Sullivan Show03. On Route 66 04. To protect the innocent.05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight06. The limbo07. Chocolate08 Louis Armstrong09. The Timex watch10. Freddy, the Freeloader and Good Night and God Bless.11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)12. Beetle or Bug13. Buddy Holly14. Sputnik15. Hoola-hoopSend this to your old friends, better known as seniors. It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes

Life and Sex After Death (kinda old joke!) [2008-03-04]
Subject: Life and sex After Death The couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was noafterlife.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True tohisword, he made contact, Connie....Connie.Is that you, Joe?Yes, I've come back like we agreed.That's wonderful! What's it like?Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and thenit'soff to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun andthenhave sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp aroundthegolf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. Aftersupper, it's back to golf course again.Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleepandthen the next day it starts all over again. Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .

Self CPR (Not a Joke) passing it along... [2008-02-20]
Subject: FW: self CPR Good information to know�. What are you to do if you have a heart attack while you are alone. If you've already received this, it means people care about you The Johnson City Medical Center staff actually discovered this And did an in-depth study on it in our ICU The two individuals that Discovered this then did an article on it . Had it published and have Even had it incorporated into ACLS and CPR classes. It is very true and has and does work. It is called cough CPR. A cardiologist says it's the truth ... For your info If everyone who gets This sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we'll save at least one life. Read This...It could save your life! Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. And you're driving home (alone of course), after an usually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course, Didn't tell you what to do if it happened to yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack , This article seemed to be in order. Without help, the person Whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, Has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, As when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let up until help arrives, Or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives! From Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240s newsletter AND THE BEAT GOES ON (reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc. Publication, Heart Response)

I got this but my Ph.D. brother said that [2008-02-20]
this is not true - check snopes.

Cats taking pills [2008-02-08]
I don't have a cat but I many years ago I worked with a vet, this can be very true and is very funny.

Never Argue with a Woman [2008-01-29]
Never Argue With A WomanOne morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?Reading a book, she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?).You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, he informs her.I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could startat any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault, says the woman.But I haven't even touched you, says the Game Warden.That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.Have a nice day ma'am, and he left.MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.Send this to females who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent.

A bunch of red Xs [2008-01-23]
All the pictures just have the no pic available placeholder. If you are directly copying and pasting from your emails that would be the problem. The pictures don't stay with the copying, but the HTML and address where they were located does. All the pics are coming from:h*ttp:/*/us.f622.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download/us/ShowLet*ter?. Which I assume is your email account and we cannot access that. Make sense? (the asterices in the HTML are an attempt to let the address show itself rather than running the code on the forum, they can be removed for the true address).

Hehe [2008-01-07]
So.....so.....so....TRUE.....TRUE......

Christmas with Louis (Hilarious) [2007-12-21]
Wildest Christmas Dinner This is an articlesubmitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to findout who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize. Christmas With Louise As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over hisfireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true becauseevery Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses andwent in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?You're kidding me! Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of theprice scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came tolife. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his houseand left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dogconfused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and barksome more. We all agreed that Lou ise should remain in her panty hose so therest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditionalChristmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door 'What the h**l is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!' My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

Walking the Dog.... [2007-12-07]
Walking the Dog A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs? The blind lady replied, No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs. Picture this:All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

BreakTheChain.Org [2007-11-30]
Have you heard of the website www.breakthechain.org? It discusses this story and states that this is not a true story but just an urban legend.

Another Attorney funny! [2007-11-29]
BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY. Charlotte , North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, theninsured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of thesegreat cigars and without yet having made even his first premiumpayment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against theinsurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in aseries of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. and WON!Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurancecompany that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policyfrom the company, which it had warranted that the cigarswere insurable and also guaranteed that it woul d insure them againstfire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptablefire and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, theinsurance Company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to thelawyer for his loss of the c igars lost in the fires. NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previouscase being used against him, the lawyer was convicted ofintentionally burning his Insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in therecent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

DUI - Rhode Island Style! [2007-11-19]
Only a person in Rhode Island could think of this. From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Lincoln, RI. After last call at the Lodge, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a cou ple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road headed toward 146. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken. I doubt it, said the truly proud driver. Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

Ultimate Female Joke [2007-10-17]
Ultimate Female Joke. It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it. A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off of him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00................on one condition Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her Address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.............. * * * * * Clean my house.

Got this as an email [2007-10-12]
And thought how true it was as this really seems to happen a lot on this board! As long as there are a blue million people out there, there is going to be difference of opinions! May be spelling errors! LOL Enjoy! How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb...another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where tobuy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs15 People to post I can't see S$%^! and their own light bulbs 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?13 to say do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now andstart it all over again

Go, Hayseed! [2007-10-05]
This is certainly true!

That was the best!!!! [2007-09-18]
I've got to print that out and hang it somewhere. All of them were absolutely true!!

True friendship. [2007-08-23]
True Friendship None of that Sissy Crap Are you tired of those sissy friendship poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card--just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastid who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hells away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. Why? you may ask; because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Zing! [2007-07-09]
How true!

I remember seeing him on the show [2007-06-21]
With his deadpan face and deep voice, he would give these hilarious one-liners without cracking a smile. Sometimes there would be just a beat before the audience started laughing, because he had played so many dramatic roles you just couldn't believe he was saying these things! ROFL