Reply by email to me.

Out of Office Email Replies [2008-11-05]
Best Out of Office Automatic e-mail Replies:1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if Ifail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out ofthe office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anythingat all.3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having mybrain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged$5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-DUH-viduals did this over and over.) 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuingsystem. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive areply in approximately 19 weeks.8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.9. I've run away to join a different circus.10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Bill.

..and then me with too much email !!! nm! [2008-02-20]
x

AN APOLOGY TO EVERYONE! The pics came from email and did not follow over here. [2008-01-24]
I won't post those again. They were just so funny and I wanted to share. I really did go out and came back in to Comedy Stop and I could see the pics. (maybe I'm beginning to see things that I want to see!) I thought they were posting. Anyway, if there are any that you want me to send to you by email, put the name of the ones you want and I will email them to you. Also, be sure to include your email address.I've tried to send emails for requests from this site and I get a mail demon. Have a great day!

Reply by email to me. [2008-01-03]
I have it saved in my email. If you email me, I will send it to you. :0)

I'm gonna reply as soon as I bang out these crumbs!! LOL! sm [2008-01-03]
A lot of these apply to me...I thought it was just me!

Sorry...It worked on my email...nm [2007-12-10]
x

Thanks for letting me know! I copied it from email nm [2007-11-14]
x

I'll take you up on that Email offer ! [2007-10-21]
That's funny stuff !

Got this as an email [2007-10-12]
And thought how true it was as this really seems to happen a lot on this board! As long as there are a blue million people out there, there is going to be difference of opinions! May be spelling errors! LOL Enjoy! How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb...another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where tobuy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs15 People to post I can't see S$%^! and their own light bulbs 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?13 to say do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now andstart it all over again

Email etiquette [2007-06-09]
Be sure your speakers (or earphones ) are on and click on the link below:

Out of Office Email Replies [2008-11-05]
Best Out of Office Automatic e-mail Replies:1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if Ifail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out ofthe office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anythingat all.3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having mybrain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged$5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-DUH-viduals did this over and over.) 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuingsystem. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive areply in approximately 19 weeks.8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.9. I've run away to join a different circus.10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Bill.

Sounded good at the time! [2008-10-22]
MT typed: The patient came intoclinic with complaint of pain after tending sheep. Doc dictated: Patient came into clinic complaining of pain in tendon sheath. When doctor asked MT why they typed that - reply: Thought he was a shepherd.

A few minutes before the church services started [2008-09-25]
A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said 'Don't you know who I am?''Yep, sure do.''Aren't you afraid of me?''Nope, sure ain't.''Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?''Don't doubt it for a minute.''Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??''Yep', was the calm reply.'And you're still not afraid??' asked Satan.'Nope.'More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'The man calmly replied...... 'Been married to your sister for 68 years.'

Old people doin' it. [2008-02-05]
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Idi__ Sightings! (Comedy Stop, of course!) [2008-02-01]
TOO FUNNY!!!(Had to remove the bad word - last two letters o..t! I hope this does not offend anyone. It's all done in fun. Let me know if it does and I won't post something like this again. Of course, the moderator might let me know first!!! Have a great day and try to stay warm!)IDI__ SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us thatone of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on theopener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Searsmade at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, youneed a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..We haven't used Sears repair since.IDI__ SIGHTINGMy daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gavethe clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, you gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this wayyou can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get themanager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me backthe quarter, and said I owed $4.25 and he was sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDI__ SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSINGsign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars outhere! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossinganymore.From Kingman , KSIDI__SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked theperson behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce.From Kansas CityIDI__ SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employeeasked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Towhich I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Hesmiled knowingly and nodded,That's why we ask.Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDI__ SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Iwas crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She askedif I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind peoplewhen the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blindpeople doing driving?!She was a probation officer in Wichita , KSIDI__ SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving thecompany due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, This isfun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We alljust looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDI__ SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself andfor the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDI__ SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driversside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried thedoor handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to thetechnician, its open! His reply, I know. I already got that side.This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE , THEY DRIVE andthey REPRODUCE

I swear those pictures were on there when I last looked! Sorry! [2008-01-24]
Glad to email them to you. If you request them, please tell me you want grandparents and send your regular email address. I've tried some that come from here but won't let me return email.

AN APOLOGY TO EVERYONE! The pics came from email and did not follow over here. [2008-01-24]
I won't post those again. They were just so funny and I wanted to share. I really did go out and came back in to Comedy Stop and I could see the pics. (maybe I'm beginning to see things that I want to see!) I thought they were posting. Anyway, if there are any that you want me to send to you by email, put the name of the ones you want and I will email them to you. Also, be sure to include your email address.I've tried to send emails for requests from this site and I get a mail demon. Have a great day!

Still waiting...(now I have website for picture! (Joke) [2008-01-24]
If the picture does not post, this will take you to it! http://cdunning.blogspot.com/search/label/Pass-Alongs I did what you told me...I sent the email to 10 people like you said. I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen For a Miracle: Pass It On I did what you told me...I sent it to 10 of my friends...I'm still waiting for my miracle... Labels: Pass-AlongsI couldn`t resist sending THIS one on!!!!! Now send this to everybody who sends you those 'pass this along or else' messages!!!!

A bunch of red Xs [2008-01-23]
All the pictures just have the no pic available placeholder. If you are directly copying and pasting from your emails that would be the problem. The pictures don't stay with the copying, but the HTML and address where they were located does. All the pics are coming from:h*ttp:/*/us.f622.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download/us/ShowLet*ter?. Which I assume is your email account and we cannot access that. Make sense? (the asterices in the HTML are an attempt to let the address show itself rather than running the code on the forum, they can be removed for the true address).

Still waiting...(Funny) Hope the picture posts... [2008-01-22]
I've got to get busy....if this picture does not post, I will try again later today! toomuchfun... I did what you told me... I sent the email to 10 people like you said. I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen I couldn`t resist sending THIS one on!!!!! Now send this to everybody who sends you those 'pass this along or else' messages!!!!

help I'm laughing too hard and [2008-01-03]
I can't stop. Can someone tell me how i can email this to my coworkers

Reply by email to me. [2008-01-03]
I have it saved in my email. If you email me, I will send it to you. :0)

Frozen tsunami waves in Antartica! [2007-12-29]
I received this in my email today. You think it's cold where you live? This tsunami froze immediately in the Antartica! I think we are having a heat wave! Check it out! http://www.megabunny.com/frozen-tsunami-waves-in-antartica/

Ever wonder what a yacht looks like inside? [2007-12-29]
Got this in my email and then found it on the internet so I can share it. You will wish you had honed your golf skills! http://www.ssqq.com/archive/vinlin24.htm

NEW YEAR FUN THING? [2007-12-29]
Does anyone have a fun Happy New Year greeting to send to friends via email? Maybe something cute, funny, with music?

I hope this is a joke - actual Craigslist post [2007-11-18]
Book wrighter, XXXX area Reply to: job-XXXXXXXX@craigslist.org Date: 2007-11-14, 11:43PM EST I NEED AN INDIVIDUAL TO HELP ME PUT MY WORDS IN TO BOOK FORM.I AM TERABLE WITH GRAMMER AND SPELLING,BUT I HAVE TWO BOOK IDEAS THAT I WANT TO BRING TO MARKET. THE FIRST BOOK IS A MOTAVATIONAL/SELF HELP BOOK. THE SECOND IS A CHRISTIAN BASED BOOK. I SPEEK PUBLICLY ON BOTH SUBJECTS,I AM SHARING THAT BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS NOT A SHOT IN THE DARK. THE PERSON I AM LOOKING FOR MUST HAVE A CREATIVE MIND AND A GOOD EYE FOR DETAIL. SCEDULE IS FLEXABLE PLEAS RESPOND BY EMAIL OR CALL 919-xxx-xxxx PS:I APOLAGIZE FOR ANY MISS SPELLED WORDS THERE IS NOT A SPELL CHECK FETURE ON CRAIGS LIST. * Compensation: BUY THE HR. OR BUY THE LINE

Can you fly a helicopter? [2007-10-23]
Got this in my email today! Thought you might enjoy it! Can you fly a helicopter? http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

new meds [2007-10-22]
Yes, yes! Please send me an email with the pictures! These are great .. and I know so many people who coul duse them.

New Drugs! Comedy... [2007-10-18]
The pictures did not post with this. I would be glad to email it to anyone! Enjoy! NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to____ for up to 8 full hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person. BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.

RNC convention agenda [2007-09-30]
Republican National Convention Schedule06:00 pm - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell 06:30 pm - Pledge of Allegiance 06:35 pm - Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment) 06:45 pm - Salute to the Coalition of the Willing 06:46 pm - Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment 07:30 pm - First Presidential Beer Bash for Bush 07:35 pm - Serve Freedom Fries 07:40 pm - EPA Address #1: Mercury: how to ignore the 14 states litigating against the U.S. government 07:50 pm - William Safire on the dangers of non-Protestant religion 08:00 pm - Vote on which country to invade next 08:05 pm - Trent Lott recognizes/salutes the KKK contingent 08:10 pm - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh 08:15 pm - John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children 08:30 pm - Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only) 08:50 pm - Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future 09:00 pm - Condi Rice sings Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man 09:05 pm - Second Presidential Beer Bash for Bush 09:10 pm - EPA Address #2: Trees: the real cause of forest fires 09:15 pm - Roundtable discussion on the best way to bankrupt the federal government. 09:30 pm - Break for secret meetings 09:35 pm - Cheney on why we must invade Canada and find their weapons of mass destruction. 10:00 pm - Second prayer led by Pat Robertson 10:15 pm - Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy 10:30 pm - Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho 10:35 pm - Bush demonstration of his trademark deer in the headlights stare 10:40 pm - John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt 10:45 pm - Clarence Thomas takes a minute to read the list of black republicans 10:46 pm - Third Presidential Beer Bash for Bush 10:50 pm - Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation's economy 11:10 pm - Hillary Clinton Pi�ata 11:20 pm - Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: Evolutionists -- the dangerous new cult 11:30 pm - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again 11:35 pm - Blame Clinton 11:40 pm - Laura serves milk and cookies 11:45 pm - Pass the hat for the Kenny Lay Defense Fund 11:50 pm - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself 12:00 am - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Leader

Games and other "stuff" [2007-08-24]
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! Thoughts for the weekend: Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? Just remember. if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. But Most Of All, Remember ! A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart! ============ ===== Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out? Who was the first person to say, See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt . If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Nope :( [2007-06-20]
I even tried right-clicking on the x, copying the URL, and pasting it into my browser address line. It takes me to Bellsouth email.

Retirement plans [2007-03-15]
Our Retirement Plans No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old feeble. We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have a Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for? So, when we reach that golden age, we'll face it with a grin. Just forward all our email to the: