The Best Way to Pray

what i should have said was ... i GET it but not funny? weird but not really funny. so pray i guess [2008-01-27]

The Best Way to Pray [2007-12-23]
The Best Way to Pray A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. Kneeling is definitely The Best Way to Pray, the priest said.No, said the minister. I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.You're both wrong, the guru said. The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.The repairman could contain himself no longer. Hey, fellas, he interrupted. The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.

YOU are the only one who thinks thats funny [2008-11-10]
you and people who think like you. right now 'my friend' Obama is ON the steps of the Whitehouse about to SCHOOL his predcessor on what its REALLY like to lead a great nation. Little people enjoy little jokes like this... the rest of us pray and hope you grow up.

Grandma still drives !! [2008-08-27]
GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!! Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her owncar. She writes:Dear Grand-daughter,The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honkif you love Jesus' bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughtabout the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light hadchanged.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,I'd never have noticed.I found that lots of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, andthen he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!''Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all thoseloving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard himyelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuckup in the air.I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment thatthey got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is whenI noticed the light had changed.So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove onthrough the intersection.I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leavethem after all the love we had shared.So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,Love, Grandma

Leroy goes to Revival [2008-05-15]
Leroy goes torevival Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?' Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.' The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?' Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday.'

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH [2008-02-23]
#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_p.MsoNormal,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_li.MsoNormal,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_div.MsoNormal {margin-bottom:.0001pt;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:'Times New Roman';} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass a:link,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.MsoHyperlink {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass a:visited,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.EmailStyle17 {font-family:'Courier New';color:windowtext;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;} _filtered #yiv139594808 {} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_div.Section1 {} JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCHAttending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white? The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. The child thought about this for a moment then said, So why is the groom wearing black?~~~~~~~~~~~~A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either! ~~~~~~~~~~~~Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money! ~~~~~~~~~~~~An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.~~~~~~~~~~~~A police recruit was asked during the exam, What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He answered, Call for backup. ~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter.~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to Honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.~~~~~~~~~~~~At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, Johnny, what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

anniversary gift [2008-02-17]
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.His wife was REALLY angry.She told him, Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND ITBETTER BE THERE!!The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wifewoke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife puton her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box backin the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Ed has been missing since Friday.Please pray for him.

A womans prayer and a mans prayer [2008-02-17]
A WOMAN'S LOVE POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to how big is my behind? I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. A MAN'S LOVE POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh^t.

A teaching prospect said.... [2008-02-17]
After being interviewed by the school administration, the teachingprospect said, Let me see if I've got this right.................You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs andsexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem andpersonal pride.You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship,sportsmanshipand fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, andapply for a job.You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs ofantisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of theirhandicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter,telephone newsletter, and report card.You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, abulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary thatqualifies me for food stamps.You want me to do all this and then you tell me...I CAN'T PRAY?

Bed farts [2008-01-25]
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE ANDTHE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTSSOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.HE SAID, HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.WHAT DO YOU MEAN? ASKED HIS WIFE.WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.

The Best Way to Pray [2007-12-23]
The Best Way to Pray A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. Kneeling is definitely The Best Way to Pray, the priest said.No, said the minister. I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.You're both wrong, the guru said. The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.The repairman could contain himself no longer. Hey, fellas, he interrupted. The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.

Sixty years of marriage [2007-11-06]
Sixty Years of Marriage: A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he ope ned it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents . When we were to be married, she said, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll. The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. Honey, he said, that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from? Oh, she said, that's the money I made from selling the dolls. A Prayer....... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet

Louisiana ghost story [2007-09-28]
LouisianaGhoststoryThishappenedaboutamonthagojustoutsideofBourg,alittletowninthebayoucountryofLouisiana,andwhileitsoundslikeanAlfredHitchcocktale,it'sreal. Thisoutofstatetravelerwasonthesideoftheroad,hitchhikingonarealdarknightinthemiddleofathunderstorm.Timepassedslowlyandnocarswentby.Itwasrainingsohardhecouldhardlyseehishandinfrontofhisface. Suddenlyhesawacarmovingslowly,approachingandappearingghostlikeintherain.Itslowlyandsilentlycrepttowardhimandstopped.Wantingariderealbadtheguyjumpedinthecarandclosedthedoor;onlythendidherealizethattherewasnobodybehindthewheel,andnosoundofanenginetobeheardovertherain. Againthecarcreptslowlyforwardandtheguywasterrified,tooscaredtothinkofjumpingoutandrunning.Theguysawthatthecarwasapproachingasharpcurveand,stilltooscaredtojumpout,hestartedtoprayandbeggingforhislife;hewassuretheghostcarwouldgoofftheroadandinthebayouandhewouldsurelydrown!Butjustbeforethecurveashadowyfigureappearedatthedriver'swindowandahandreachedinandturnedthes teeringwheel,guidingthecarsafelyar oundthebend.Then,justassilently,thehanddisappearedthroughthewindowandthehitchhikerwasaloneagain! Paralyzedwithfear,theguywatchedthehandreappeareverytimetheyreachedacurve.Finallytheguy,scaredtoneardeath,hadallhecouldtakeandjumpedoutofthecarandrantotown.Wetandinshock,hewentintoabarandvoicequavering,orderedtwoshotsofwhiskey,thentoldeverybodyabouthissupernaturalexperience. Asilenceenvelopedandeverybodygotgoosebumpswhentheyrealizedtheguywastellingthetruth(andnotjustsomedrunk).Abouthalfanhourlatertwoguyswalkedintothebarandonesaystotheother,LookBoudreaux,dersdaidiatthatrodeinourcarwhenwewuzpushinitindarain.

George Carlin [2007-07-09]
YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN By: George Carlin I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican! I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way! I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American. I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to. My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it. I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already. I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one? I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry rear if you're running from them.. I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good..... And I'm proud that God is written on my money. I think if you are too st*pid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years. I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making donations to their cause. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. And what is going on with gas prices... Again? I believe illegal is illegal no matter what the lawyers think. I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA! If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know. We want our country back! We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY!

I'm on a roll.....Happy Father's day [2007-06-17]
Fathers then & now Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his minivan. In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home. In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera. In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR. In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia. Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams. In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer. In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, Wake up, it's time for school. Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: Wake up, it's time for hockey practice. In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge. In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.. In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: I wanted Sega! In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes. Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol. In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool. Today, he'll get a digital organizer. In 1900, fathers said, A man's home is his castle. Today, they say, Welcome to the money pit. In 1900, a good day at the market meant Father brought home feed for the horses. Today, a good day at the market means Dad got in early on an IPO. In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table. Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's. In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then. Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools. In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention. Today, kids glance up and grunt, Dad, you're invading my space. In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late. Today, fathers break the ice by saying, So...how long have you had that earring? In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building. Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle. In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated. In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

Evening Prayer [2007-06-14]
Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away. Please keep me healthy Please keep me young, And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done. Five tips for a woman.... 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: If we don't get Some support soon, people will think we're nuts.

You gotta love Robin Williams...... [2005-11-26]
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message. Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!) I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan. 1) The US will apologize to the world for our interference in their affairs, past present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those good ole boys, we will never interfere again. 2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence. 3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them. 4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers. 5) No foreign students over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a D and it's back home baby. 6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. 7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.) 8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not interfere. They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything. 9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us Ugly Americans any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?'