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that's comedy board [2008-11-12]
come here to get a laugh and find more and more of this kind of ranting and raving. shame on you all...at least post it on the politics board!
Best Friend Identification! (Comedy) [2008-03-17]
BEST FRIEND IDENTIFICATION
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Charles Schultz Philosophy...(Comedy Stop) [2008-02-17]
http://www.rogerknapp.com/inspire/schultzphilosophy.htm
The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
Idi__ Sightings! (Comedy Stop, of course!) [2008-02-01]
TOO FUNNY!!!(Had to remove the bad word - last two letters o..t! I hope this does not offend anyone. It's all done in fun. Let me know if it does and I won't post something like this again. Of course, the moderator might let me know first!!! Have a great day and try to stay warm!)IDI__ SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us thatone of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on theopener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Searsmade at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, youneed a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..We haven't used Sears repair since.IDI__ SIGHTINGMy daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gavethe clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, you gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this wayyou can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get themanager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me backthe quarter, and said I owed $4.25 and he was sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDI__ SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSINGsign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars outhere! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossinganymore.From Kingman , KSIDI__SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked theperson behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce.From Kansas CityIDI__ SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employeeasked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Towhich I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Hesmiled knowingly and nodded,That's why we ask.Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDI__ SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Iwas crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She askedif I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind peoplewhen the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blindpeople doing driving?!She was a probation officer in Wichita , KSIDI__ SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving thecompany due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, This isfun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We alljust looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDI__ SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself andfor the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDI__ SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driversside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried thedoor handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to thetechnician, its open! His reply, I know. I already got that side.This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE , THEY DRIVE andthey REPRODUCE
Angels explained by children! (Comedy) [2008-02-01]
Angels Explained by ChildrenI only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.--Gregory, 5Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. --Olive, 9It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go toheaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. Andthen you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. --Matthew, 9Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.--Mitchell, 7My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good forscience.--Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows.--Jack, 6Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.--Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.--Reagan, 10Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. --Sara, 6Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.--Jared, 8All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.--Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. --Katelynn, 9Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. --Vicki, 8What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.--Sarah, 7
Rabbit vs snake. (Comedy Stop) [2008-01-30]
Now there is a real snake in this video. Just a warning but it's something you don't see every day. (And the snake is NOT eating the rabbit).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4rU-rFn6vY
Why did the chicken cross the road? (Comedy Stop)) [2008-01-22]
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stpd he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... ANDERSON COOPER- CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@^(C% ........ reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE : I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one? CHENEY : Where's my gun? AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Splish! Splash! Waterbed video (comedy) [2008-01-20]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0UVN4OD_cAmode=relatedsearch=
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire??? Comedy! [2008-01-19]
Who Wants To be AMillionaire ???
My wife and Iwere watching Who Wants To Be A Millionairewhile we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No!', she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' 'Yes!', she replied. Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.' That's the last thing I remember.
Poor woman,she has absolutelyNOsense of humor!
Can the human body really do this? [2008-01-03]
Amazing! Someone forgot to tell this lady that the human body can't move like this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZNWEXEka60
5th Grader...Comedy [2008-01-02]
Subject:FW: 5th Grader
..... OUT THE MOUTHS OF BABES
A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,'How did I get here?'Her mother told her, 'God sent you.''Did God send you, too?' asked the child.'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.'He sent them also,' the mother said.'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?No wonder everyone's so darn grouchy around here.'
Why was this moved to comedy board AND [2007-12-27]
I don't find anything funny about her problem.
The human body - Comedy [2007-12-27]
The human body, Interesting!!!!!!The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were. -Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream. -The largest cell in the human body is the female egg. -Thesmallest is the male sperm.-You use 200 muscles to take one step. -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man. -Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three . -A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands. -A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. -The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. -The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. -It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. -The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds. -Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. -At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell. -There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. -Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half agallon of water to a boil. -The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body. -Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born. -When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate. -Your thumb is the same length of your nose.At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last factto the test... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might beinterested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well ..... I did.
Goat for Dinner....Comedy [2007-12-23]
Goat for DinnerThe young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.Goat, the little boy replied.Goat? replied the startled man of the cloth, Are you sure about that?Yep, said the youngster. I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'
Sunday Services ... Comedy [2007-12-23]
Sunday ServicesOne Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, I'm not going.Why not? she asked.I'll give you two good reasons, he said. One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them.His mother replied, I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!
Old Friends Reunited At A Party...comedy [2007-12-11]
Fw: Old Friends Reunited At A Party...
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 Years, reunited at a party. After several Drinks, one of the men had to use the rest Room. Those who remained talked about their Kids. The first guy said, My son is my pride And joy. He started working at a successful Company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon Began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so Rich that he gave his best friend a top of the Line Mercedes for his birthday. The second guy said, Darn, that's terrific! My Son is also my pride and joy. He started Working for a big airline, and then went to Flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he Became a partner in the company, where he owns The majority of its assets. He's so rich that He gave his best friend a brand new jet plane for his Birthday. The third man said: Well, that's terrific! My Son studied in the best universities and became An engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a Multimillionaire. He also gave away something Very nice and expensive to his best friend for His birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion. The three friends congratulated each other just As the fourth returned from the restroom and Asked: What are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about The pride we feel for the successes of our Sons What about your son? The fourth man replied: My son is gay and Makes a living dancing as a stripper at a Nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame... What a Disappointment. The fourth man replied: No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done Too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, And he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot Mansion, a brand new jet plane and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
Yes, this is the Comedy Stop Board [2007-12-08]
not the word help board, LOL.
The term is chest of drawers, not chest of HER drawers, which is hilarious.
I'm glad this doesn't apply to me! Comedy [2007-12-07]
Subject: This Is Happening Here in Our Own Country
I'm glad this doesn't apply to me!
: THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately ! Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there! All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.
If my body were a car - Maxine funny! [2007-12-03]
Maxine pics won't load. Picture Maxine in your mind!
If My Body Were A Car
If my body were a car, ... this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull, ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it 's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, ... even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it, ...
Almost every time I sneeze, cough, or sputter, either my radiator leaks ... or my exhaust backfires !!!
The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! Comedy [2007-11-27]
Subject: The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 1 0 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all th at you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
New Drugs! Comedy... [2007-10-18]
The pictures did not post with this. I would be glad to email it to anyone! Enjoy!
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to____ for up to 8 full
hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person.
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.
Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who
can handle it.
you posted on comedy board-try main board instead nm [2007-08-11]
x
Human/grizzly bear conflicts. [2007-06-03]
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper-spray.
New treatment [2008-11-26]
I just heard the following: Dr. G____ saw the patient this morning and, after adequate bowel preparation, underwent colonoscopy and endoscopy.
I have undergone one of the above procedures and I sure wish my doctor could have learned what he needed by have the camera inserted into HIS body instead of mine!
Turkey Surgery (FUNNY!) [2008-11-21]
TURKEY SURGERY
I was having trouble getting to sleep after a long day of transcribing. Planning for the coming holiday season wasn't helping me relax, but finally I drifted off. I began to dream, and in my dream I was in my kitchen. The favorite Christmas carol of all transcriptionists, Do You Hear What I Hear? was playing on the kitchen radio. I began to prepare our Christmas Dinner.
NAME OF OPERATION: Roasting turkey.
SURGEON: Dr. Chief Cook.
ASSSISTANT: Dr. Bottle Washer.
ANESTHESIA: None.
FLUIDS: Gravy.
INDICATIONS FOR SURGERY: The turkey had been pronounced dead previous to the procedure, and presented with a body temperature of approximately 10 degrees Fahrenheit. It was placed supine in the hypothermic holding chamber and gradual warming procedures were instituted for 24 hours previous to surgery. Body temperature was approximately 40 degrees at the time the procedure began.
FINDINGS AND TECHNIQUE: Incisions were already present, and most viscera were surgically absent. The patient had a medical history of decapitation and bilateral pedal amputation. Alopecia was complete, with the exception of a few stray feathers, which were removed. The heart, liver, and gizzard were present in the peritoneal cavity, along with the cervical portion of the patient's spine. These were removed by the surgeon and put to simmer on the back table, to be prepared appropriately for presentation at the completion of the procedure.
The peritoneal cavity was thoroughly lavaged and excess adipose tissue was removed. The distal portions of the bilateral upper appendages were tucked neatly behind the acromioclavicular joints. A specially prepared mixture of cornbread, mushrooms, and sausage, with appropriate spices, was packed loosely into the peritoneal cavity. Additional portions of the mixture were inserted subcutaneously and superficial to the pectoral muscles.
The peritoneal opening was closed in one layer, utilizing skewers and kitchen string. All fork, knife, and spice counts were correct x2. A thermometer was inserted in the appropriate location to ensure correct body temperature at the conclusion of the procedure. The turkey was placed in the Kenmore hyperthermic unit. It was roasted at 325 degrees, at the rate of 30 minutes per pound of body weight prior to surgery, with intermittent applications of broth and melted butter.
After the internal temperature had reached 180 degrees, the turkey was removed from the hyperthermic chamber, and the sutures were removed. The patient was placed supine on a platter and taken to the dining area, where it was found to be in excellent condition by all present.
Gilligan's Island [2008-10-06]
Gilligan's Island Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. There is, however, a dark secret about this comedy you may never have realized.The island is a direct representation of hades. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave.Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:- Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.- Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.- The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all.- Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.- Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on and of their escape plans.- The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show.- This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.Crazy? He does wear red in every episode...
Fun facts! [2008-05-29]
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig. ) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the..?!) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. 30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine? The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. ( If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone (and God love that pig)
I loved Red, great post [2008-03-08]
I enjoyed this post. It was a nice trip down memory lane when comedy was truly comedy.
Kid's Science Test Answers... [2008-02-27]
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does varicose mean? (I do love this one...) A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarian Section. A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome Q: What does the word benign mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Dr. Phil's Test (This might have been posted before.. ??) [2008-02-26]
Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out! Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the person who sent it to you.) Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now --- not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question. Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready?? Begin. 1 When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon ΆΚ early evening c) late at night 2 You usually walk... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly 3. When talking to people you. .. a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair 4. When relaxing, you sit with. . a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you 5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you ... a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed 7.You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes 8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are. . a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers 10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant POINTS: 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 7 (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 ( c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 Now add up the total number of points. OVER 60 POINTS : Others see you as someone they should handle with care. You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you. 51 TO 60 POINTS : Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate. 41 TO 50 POINTS : Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. 31 TO 40 POINTS : Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken. 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then , usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature. UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some peopl e think you' re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't. Now forward this to others, and put your score in the subject box of your e-mail, like this: Dr. Phil's Test, I'm a ..
JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH [2008-02-23]
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JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCHAttending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white? The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. The child thought about this for a moment then said, So why is the groom wearing black?~~~~~~~~~~~~A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either! ~~~~~~~~~~~~Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money! ~~~~~~~~~~~~An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.~~~~~~~~~~~~A police recruit was asked during the exam, What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He answered, Call for backup. ~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter.~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to Honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.~~~~~~~~~~~~At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, Johnny, what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.
7 reasons not to mess with children! [2008-02-20]
7 reasons not to mess with children.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.
The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell?
The little girl replied, Then you ask him.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, I'm drawing God.
The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to honour thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, Thou shall not kill.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?
Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Momma, how comeALLof grandma's hairs are white?
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher, she's dead.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.
Yes, the class said.
Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?
A little fellow shouted,Cause your feet ain't empty.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
Take onlyONE. God is watching.
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.
these are so cool I had to share them [2008-02-19]
didn't know where else except the comedy board.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYMRepK_aqwfeature=related
www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oA1GpdFyic
guess you will have to cut and paste.
Where else can I share these with you! sm [2008-02-01]
Okay, it's light-hearted! Something different. How about those frozen waves in Antartica? How about that floating Gazebo? Not funny. Just something amazing and different.
I usually put Comedy Stop, Joke or something similar because it posts on the main board too. This way someone can immediately skip it if they are hard at work and do not have time to read it. If I put video, then someone will know that it is going to take time to view and maybe they don't have the time.
AN APOLOGY TO EVERYONE! The pics came from email and did not follow over here. [2008-01-24]
I won't post those again. They were just so funny and I wanted to share.
I really did go out and came back in to Comedy Stop and I could see the pics. (maybe I'm beginning to see things that I want to see!) I thought they were posting.
Anyway, if there are any that you want me to send to you by email, put the name of the ones you want and I will email them to you. Also, be sure to include your email address.I've tried to send emails for requests from this site and I get a mail demon.
Have a great day!
Still waiting...(now I have website for picture! (Joke) [2008-01-24]
If the picture does not post, this will take you to it!
http://cdunning.blogspot.com/search/label/Pass-Alongs
I did what you told me...I sent the email to 10 people like you said. I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen
For a Miracle: Pass It On
I did what you told me...I sent it to 10 of my friends...I'm still waiting for my miracle...
Labels: Pass-AlongsI couldn`t resist sending THIS one on!!!!! Now send this to everybody who sends you those 'pass this along or else' messages!!!!
I am so sorry. I look at these after I post [2008-01-22]
and they came up when I went back to Comedy Stop and clicked on them. This one with monkeys are showing up for me. Maybe there is a computer guru out there that can help me out. I get so many of these cute e-mails, I like to share them and make you laugh at one of them anyway!! I'ss see if I can find this one on the web and post a copy and paste web site!
I noticed the one for Having a bad day? didn't come up. That makes me mad. I thought the pictures were showing up on all of them now.
Can the human body really do this? [2008-01-03]
Amazing! Someone forgot to tell this lady that the human body can't move like this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZNWEXEka60
My SIL (and this is very unlike her) [2007-12-29]
won $100 at a comedy club for telling this joke. I loved it!
The human body - Comedy [2007-12-27]
The human body, Interesting!!!!!!The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were. -Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream. -The largest cell in the human body is the female egg. -Thesmallest is the male sperm.-You use 200 muscles to take one step. -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man. -Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three . -A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands. -A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. -The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. -The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. -It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. -The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds. -Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. -At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell. -There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. -Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half agallon of water to a boil. -The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body. -Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born. -When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate. -Your thumb is the same length of your nose.At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last factto the test... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might beinterested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well ..... I did.
Something to make you smile! [2007-12-23]
something to make you smile]
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.... ..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(What about that pig??)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone ! (and God love that pig!)
Oh my goodness [2007-12-08]
I just go through the list of items on the board and open them up. I didn't realize it was the Comedy Stop. Just too funny. I thought it was a younger MT who had never heard dresser referred to chest of drawers.
Politically correct Christmas [2007-12-08]
Christmas Party Announcement* *FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 8, 2006* *RE: Christmas Party*I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 22, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should cost more than $10.00 to make it easier for everyone's pockets. Our CEO will make a special announcement. This gathering is for employees only!Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 10, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah's is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no presents. No Christmas carol sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.Happy now???Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 13, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, AA Only; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.How am I supposed to handle this?Somebody?Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little too chintzy.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 14, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during the daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy baggy.Will that work?Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the Gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruit as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply No Sugar desserts. Sorry!Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All F---king Employees* *DATE: November 15, 2006* *RE: the F---king Holiday Party*Vegetarian pukes - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the grill of death, as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your stinking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right NOW!I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!!!The B..... from HADES!!!!!!!!*FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 16, 2006* *RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party*I'm sure I speak for all of us wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery in the unit and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party.Happy Holidays! Joan THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
In Honor of Not Very Smart People... [2007-12-05]
In Honour of Not Very Smart People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through nonsmartness (the S***** word is a bad word), here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods ....... On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- Do not turn upside down. (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) ========================== On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts. (talk about a news flash) =========================== On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) ========================== On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating. (...and you thought????...) ======================= On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) ==================================== On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) =========================== On a bar of Dial soap -- Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be???....) ============================ On some Swanson frozen dinners -- Serving suggestion: Defrost. (but, it's just a suggestion.) ======================== On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- Do not iron clothes on body. (but wouldn't this save me time?) ============================== On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness. (..I'm taking this because???....) ============================== On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to what?) ========================== On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use. (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) ============================== On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (Step 3: say what?) =========================== On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) ======================== On a Swedish chainsaw -- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) =========================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...
If my body were a car - Maxine funny! [2007-12-03]
Maxine pics won't load. Picture Maxine in your mind!
If My Body Were A Car
If my body were a car, ... this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull, ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it 's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, ... even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it, ...
Almost every time I sneeze, cough, or sputter, either my radiator leaks ... or my exhaust backfires !!!
Questions That Haunt Me???!! [2007-11-26]
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME????
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a (deleted)song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor onGilligan'sIslandcan make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song, Bah bah Black Sheep,andTwinkle, Twinkle Little Starhave the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave meyour e-mail address in thefirstPLACE
Why Boys Need Parents [2007-11-20]
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid
Who's in charge? sm [2007-11-13]
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying todecide who was the one in charge.I should be in charge, said the brain , Because I run all thebody's systems, so without me nothing would happen. I should be in charge, said the blood , Because I circulateoxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.I should be in charge, said the stomach, Because I processfood and give all of you energy. I should be in charge, said the legs , because I carry thebody wherever it needs to go.I should be in charge, said the eyes, Because I allow the bodyto see where it goes I should be in charge, said the rectum, Because I'mresponsible for waste removal. All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him,so in a huff, he shut down tight.Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomachwas bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood wastoxic . They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.The Moral of the story?
The a**hole is usually in charge.
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