This couple

This couple [2008-04-28]
is laying in bed and he says I'm going to make you the happiest woman on earth to which she replied I'm going to miss you...

A couple VR funnies [2007-11-14]
These just made me chuckle today. Her primary care physician is Dr. he is on top and smells. *supposed to be some foreign doctor with a name that is similar, but not quite. Most likely it is the large bites of hand that he ingested that probably stirred up bleeding in his esophagus. *hand = ham. I used to be scared of voice recognition taking my job...not anymore.

Hahahaha- I've had a couple lately [2007-09-10]
one actually made a little sense- it was corroded artery disease instead of coronary artery disease. This one still kills me- the doctor was talking about the patient's caffeine intake and he said very clearly the patient drinks diet Coke daily. The VR draft said the patient drinks diet Pepsi daily. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA we all had to wonder if there is some kind of kickbacks going on there. :D

here are a couple of good ones [2006-07-19]
The patient had a virgin vaginal birth. The doctor then realized what she said and busted up laughing (was supposed to be vertex). The patient says her problems began at age 2 when she dropped out of school to take care of her mother.

Grandma still drives !! [2008-08-27]
GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!! Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her owncar. She writes:Dear Grand-daughter,The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honkif you love Jesus' bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughtabout the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light hadchanged.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,I'd never have noticed.I found that lots of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, andthen he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!''Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all thoseloving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard himyelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuckup in the air.I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment thatthey got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is whenI noticed the light had changed.So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove onthrough the intersection.I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leavethem after all the love we had shared.So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,Love, Grandma

Sick Leave... [2008-06-25]
Sick LeaveI urgently needed a few days off work,But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'Then he would tell me to take a few days off.So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,'What in the name of good GOD are you doing? 'I told him I was a light bulb.He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'I jumped down and walked out of the office...When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,'. ..And where do you think you're going?!'(You're gonna love this....) She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark. .

Life and Sex After Death (kinda old joke!) [2008-03-04]
Subject: Life and sex After Death The couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was noafterlife.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True tohisword, he made contact, Connie....Connie.Is that you, Joe?Yes, I've come back like we agreed.That's wonderful! What's it like?Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and thenit'soff to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun andthenhave sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp aroundthegolf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. Aftersupper, it's back to golf course again.Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleepandthen the next day it starts all over again. Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .

Wouldn't it be great....(political....a great idea) [2008-02-20]
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the or der for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved d uring the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France . In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the e arth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China . I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon ne chance, me z a mies. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops i n the world. I love New York A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try notmaking usmad for a change. Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I ans wer them by saying, 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America . Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

Here's a Funny from FunFenFan... [2008-02-19]
Here's a funny one for you.... A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands raised. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said; I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cursing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally..... I assumed you had stolen the car.

:) [2008-02-14]
One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, heproceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the ther side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. Why are you stopping darling? she whispered He whispered back, I found the remote! ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Old people doin' it. [2008-02-05]
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Women are evil! (Joke) [2008-02-01]
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.'Are you the manager?' she asked him softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into hishair. 'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?' Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping acouple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!

Bed farts [2008-01-25]
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE ANDTHE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTSSOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.HE SAID, HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.WHAT DO YOU MEAN? ASKED HIS WIFE.WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.

Are you going to start giving [2007-12-30]
your spiders coffee and alcohol now? LOL. I was just looking at the YouTubes that were coming up at the first window, and as you make choices it changes the ones being offered, and of course I always go for the animal ones. So I watched a couple of ones that were titled 'cats on drugs' or 'dogs on drugs,' and then this one came up.

Goat for Dinner....Comedy [2007-12-23]
Goat for DinnerThe young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.Goat, the little boy replied.Goat? replied the startled man of the cloth, Are you sure about that?Yep, said the youngster. I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'

Christmas with Louis (Hilarious) [2007-12-21]
Wildest Christmas Dinner This is an articlesubmitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to findout who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize. Christmas With Louise As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over hisfireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true becauseevery Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses andwent in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?You're kidding me! Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of theprice scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came tolife. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his houseand left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dogconfused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and barksome more. We all agreed that Lou ise should remain in her panty hose so therest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditionalChristmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door 'What the h**l is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!' My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

The Perfect Man and Woman! [2007-12-18]
Cute! http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

Women Drivers! [2007-12-02]
Subject:FW: women drivers This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman, In a brand new Cadillac, Doing 65 mph, With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror, Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds! And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand. In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked My cell phone, Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs, Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the d...(delete) phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call. D..mn.ed women drivers!

Zen sarcasm [2007-10-31]
Subject: Zen Sarcasm 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. 3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's' newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is some thing you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and laxative on the same night.

Affairs... [2007-10-23]
The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. Where have you been? his wife demanded. I can't lie to you, he replied, I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon. She looked down at his shoes and said: You lying b******! You've been playing golf! The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: There's no way I can be the father of this baby.Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back? The wife smiled sweetly and replied: Not this time! The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz, the mortician commented, I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity. So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. I have something to show you won't believe, he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. My God! the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead! The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry, she said, stand in the corner. She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. Don't move until I tell you, she said, pretend you're a statue. What's this? the husband inquired as he entered the room. Oh it's a statue, she replied, the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too. No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. Here, he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing. The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent. One Cent? the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine? A nickel, the barman replied. A nickel? exclaimed the man. Where's the guy who owns this place? The bartender replied: Upstairs, with my wife. The man asked: What's he doing upstairs with your wife? The bartender replied: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here. The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: I have something I must confess. There's no need to, his wife replied. No, he insisted, I want to die in peace.I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother! I know, she replied, now just rest and let the poison work.

A lil ha ha for the ladies .... [2007-10-22]
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN'S REVENGE Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked. No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes. He addressed the man, Can you name your wife's favorite flower? Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, It's Pillsbury, isn't it?--------------------------------------------------------------------------CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)--------------------------------------------------------------------------WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, Relatives of yours? Yep, the wife replied, in-laws.--------------------------------------------------------------------------WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, What?-------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATION A man said to his wife one day, I don't know how you can be so simple and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me simple so I would be attracted to you!--------------------------------------------------------------------------WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. Wife replies, No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. Husband replies, I can't believe that, show me. So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... HEBREWS--------------------------------------------------------------------------The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.--------------------------------------------------------------------------God may have created man before woman, but there is always a roughdraft before the masterpiece .

All Men Are Perfect ....... [2007-10-05]
just kidding lol Read this and smile !!! WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN'S REVENGE Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked. No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.-------------------------------------------------------------------------- MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes. He addressed the man, Can you name your wife's favorite flower? Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, It's Pillsbury, isn't it?--------------------------------------------------------------------------CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)--------------------------------------------------------------------------WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, Relatives of yours? Yep, the wife replied, in-laws.--------------------------------------------------------------------------WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, What?-------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATION A man said to his wife one day, I don't know how you can be so simple and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me simple so I would be attracted to you!--------------------------------------------------------------------------WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. Wife replies, No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. Husband replies, I can't believe that, show me. So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... HEBREWS--------------------------------------------------------------------------The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.--------------------------------------------------------------------------God may have created man before woman, but there is always a roughdraft before the masterpiece .

The Good Husband...Priceless! [2007-10-04]
The Good Husband - Priceless! Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.And, next to them, a single red rose!!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you yourfavorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, JillianHe stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, Son...what happened last night?Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.Confused, he asked his son, So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??His son replies, Oh THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, Leave me alone, I'm married!!Broken Coffee Table $239.99Hot Breakfast $4.20Two Aspirins $.38Saying the right thing, at the right time...PRICELESS

cain't swaller? [2007-10-02]
can't swallar? Tworednecks are eating in a restaurant located in a remote area. Suddenly, acity woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of therednecks looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar? The woman shakes her head no. Kin ya breathe? The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. Theredneck walks over to the woman,stands her up lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down herpanties and quickly gives her right butt cheek acouple of licks with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, theredneck walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!

jemm [2007-08-19]
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a rash that looks like a red 'H' on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a 'Y' on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices an 'M' on her chest. Let me guess,you have a boyfriend at Michigan? asks the doctor.No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?

Where that came from... [2007-08-15]
is what makes it even funnier: my 84-year-old neighbor (looks more like 64) who just married for the third time a couple of years ago! She is such a hot ticket. Her and her husband drive around town in a BMW convertible with the top down, what's left of their hair blowing in the wind, beeping and waving at everyone they know. I can't post her other jokes on her because there would be too many blanks in the post! Glad you got a kick out of it!

Newlyweds [2007-08-14]
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, Honey, I'll be right back.Where are you going, Coochy Coo? asked the wife.I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face, he answered. I'm going to have a beer.The wife said, You want a beer, my love? She opened the door the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India etc.The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face? She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.The husband, looking a bit pale, said, Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back, I promise. OK?You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh? She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,mushroom caps, and little quiches.But my sweet honey, at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH*T... SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE H*LL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR...THAT SH*T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

The honeymoon's over... [2007-07-18]
Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same. A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Well, said her mother, so how was the honeymoon? Oh mama,she replied, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...Suddenly she burst out crying. But, mama, as soon as wereturned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home! ! PLEASE MAMA! Sarah, Sarah,her mother said, calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words? Please don't make me tell you, mama, wept the daughter. I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!! Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words! Sobbing, the bride said, Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook... I'll pick you up in twenty minutes, said the mother.

A visit to the Pearly Gates. [2007-07-03]
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asked. Well, I can think of one thing, the man offered. Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, Now, back off, or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you! St. Peter was very impressed .... When did this happen? Just a couple of minutes ago.