Why was this moved to comedy board AND

OP originally posted on Politics board. Moderator [2008-11-15]
xx

that's comedy board [2008-11-12]
come here to get a laugh and find more and more of this kind of ranting and raving. shame on you all...at least post it on the politics board!

Best Friend Identification! (Comedy) [2008-03-17]
BEST FRIEND IDENTIFICATION If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Charles Schultz Philosophy...(Comedy Stop) [2008-02-17]
http://www.rogerknapp.com/inspire/schultzphilosophy.htm

The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord. She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning. My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much! Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along. Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!! Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord. She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning. My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much! Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along. Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!! Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

Idi__ Sightings! (Comedy Stop, of course!) [2008-02-01]
TOO FUNNY!!!(Had to remove the bad word - last two letters o..t! I hope this does not offend anyone. It's all done in fun. Let me know if it does and I won't post something like this again. Of course, the moderator might let me know first!!! Have a great day and try to stay warm!)IDI__ SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us thatone of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on theopener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Searsmade at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, youneed a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..We haven't used Sears repair since.IDI__ SIGHTINGMy daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gavethe clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, you gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this wayyou can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get themanager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me backthe quarter, and said I owed $4.25 and he was sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDI__ SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSINGsign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars outhere! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossinganymore.From Kingman , KSIDI__SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked theperson behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce.From Kansas CityIDI__ SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employeeasked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Towhich I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Hesmiled knowingly and nodded,That's why we ask.Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDI__ SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Iwas crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She askedif I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind peoplewhen the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blindpeople doing driving?!She was a probation officer in Wichita , KSIDI__ SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving thecompany due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, This isfun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We alljust looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDI__ SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself andfor the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDI__ SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driversside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried thedoor handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to thetechnician, its open! His reply, I know. I already got that side.This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE , THEY DRIVE andthey REPRODUCE

Angels explained by children! (Comedy) [2008-02-01]
Angels Explained by ChildrenI only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.--Gregory, 5Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. --Olive, 9It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go toheaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. Andthen you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. --Matthew, 9Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.--Mitchell, 7My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good forscience.--Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows.--Jack, 6Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.--Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.--Reagan, 10Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. --Sara, 6Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.--Jared, 8All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.--Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. --Katelynn, 9Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. --Vicki, 8What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.--Sarah, 7

Rabbit vs snake. (Comedy Stop) [2008-01-30]
Now there is a real snake in this video. Just a warning but it's something you don't see every day. (And the snake is NOT eating the rabbit). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4rU-rFn6vY

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Comedy Stop)) [2008-01-22]
Why did the chicken cross the road? DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stpd he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... ANDERSON COOPER- CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@^(C% ........ reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE : I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one? CHENEY : Where's my gun? AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Splish! Splash! Waterbed video (comedy) [2008-01-20]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0UVN4OD_cAmode=relatedsearch=

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire??? Comedy! [2008-01-19]
Who Wants To be AMillionaire ??? My wife and Iwere watching Who Wants To Be A Millionairewhile we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No!', she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' 'Yes!', she replied. Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.' That's the last thing I remember. Poor woman,she has absolutelyNOsense of humor!

5th Grader...Comedy [2008-01-02]
Subject:FW: 5th Grader ..... OUT THE MOUTHS OF BABES A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,'How did I get here?'Her mother told her, 'God sent you.''Did God send you, too?' asked the child.'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.'He sent them also,' the mother said.'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?No wonder everyone's so darn grouchy around here.'

Why was this moved to comedy board AND [2007-12-27]
I don't find anything funny about her problem.

The human body - Comedy [2007-12-27]
The human body, Interesting!!!!!!The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were. -Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream. -The largest cell in the human body is the female egg. -Thesmallest is the male sperm.-You use 200 muscles to take one step. -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man. -Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three . -A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands. -A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. -The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. -The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. -It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. -The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds. -Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. -At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell. -There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. -Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half agallon of water to a boil. -The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body. -Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born. -When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate. -Your thumb is the same length of your nose.At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last factto the test... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might beinterested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well ..... I did.

Goat for Dinner....Comedy [2007-12-23]
Goat for DinnerThe young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.Goat, the little boy replied.Goat? replied the startled man of the cloth, Are you sure about that?Yep, said the youngster. I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'

Sunday Services ... Comedy [2007-12-23]
Sunday ServicesOne Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, I'm not going.Why not? she asked.I'll give you two good reasons, he said. One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them.His mother replied, I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!

Old Friends Reunited At A Party...comedy [2007-12-11]
Fw: Old Friends Reunited At A Party... Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 Years, reunited at a party. After several Drinks, one of the men had to use the rest Room. Those who remained talked about their Kids. The first guy said, My son is my pride And joy. He started working at a successful Company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon Began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so Rich that he gave his best friend a top of the Line Mercedes for his birthday. The second guy said, Darn, that's terrific! My Son is also my pride and joy. He started Working for a big airline, and then went to Flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he Became a partner in the company, where he owns The majority of its assets. He's so rich that He gave his best friend a brand new jet plane for his Birthday. The third man said: Well, that's terrific! My Son studied in the best universities and became An engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a Multimillionaire. He also gave away something Very nice and expensive to his best friend for His birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion. The three friends congratulated each other just As the fourth returned from the restroom and Asked: What are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about The pride we feel for the successes of our Sons What about your son? The fourth man replied: My son is gay and Makes a living dancing as a stripper at a Nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame... What a Disappointment. The fourth man replied: No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done Too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, And he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot Mansion, a brand new jet plane and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

Yes, this is the Comedy Stop Board [2007-12-08]
not the word help board, LOL. The term is chest of drawers, not chest of HER drawers, which is hilarious.

I'm glad this doesn't apply to me! Comedy [2007-12-07]
Subject: This Is Happening Here in Our Own Country I'm glad this doesn't apply to me! : THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately ! Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there! All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! Comedy [2007-11-27]
Subject: The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 1 0 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all th at you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

This is so great.....I love it, wish they would of left it on our main board [2007-11-14]

New Drugs! Comedy... [2007-10-18]
The pictures did not post with this. I would be glad to email it to anyone! Enjoy! NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to____ for up to 8 full hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person. BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.

Would probably be better answered on Word or Main board...sm [2007-10-16]
Do you mean auto-text in MSWord? You can type text, highlight it, F3, name it whatever you want. When you hear the word or phrase again, type what you have named the entry and it will appear, hit enter and it will play. Hope this helps. -Jade

you posted on comedy board-try main board instead nm [2007-08-11]
x

that's comedy board [2008-11-12]
come here to get a laugh and find more and more of this kind of ranting and raving. shame on you all...at least post it on the politics board!

The history of liberals and conservatives [2008-10-15]
I posted this on the politics board too - It's half political/half humor. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were: 1. The invention of beer, and 2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man. These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jack@ss. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most are social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history....... It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain. Have a great day!

Gilligan's Island [2008-10-06]
Gilligan's Island Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. There is, however, a dark secret about this comedy you may never have realized.The island is a direct representation of hades. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave.Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:- Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.- Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.- The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all.- Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.- Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on and of their escape plans.- The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show.- This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.Crazy? He does wear red in every episode...

I loved Red, great post [2008-03-08]
I enjoyed this post. It was a nice trip down memory lane when comedy was truly comedy.

these are so cool I had to share them [2008-02-19]
didn't know where else except the comedy board. www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYMRepK_aqwfeature=related www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oA1GpdFyic guess you will have to cut and paste.

A teaching prospect said.... [2008-02-17]
After being interviewed by the school administration, the teachingprospect said, Let me see if I've got this right.................You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs andsexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem andpersonal pride.You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship,sportsmanshipand fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, andapply for a job.You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs ofantisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of theirhandicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter,telephone newsletter, and report card.You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, abulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary thatqualifies me for food stamps.You want me to do all this and then you tell me...I CAN'T PRAY?

New Office Policy [2008-02-08]
My friend LB sent me this today and I just had to share it. Many of us work for companies that if they could well, you know........... NEW OFFICE POLICY Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3! ) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buynicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break: (Love this one) * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management

Where else can I share these with you! sm [2008-02-01]
Okay, it's light-hearted! Something different. How about those frozen waves in Antartica? How about that floating Gazebo? Not funny. Just something amazing and different. I usually put Comedy Stop, Joke or something similar because it posts on the main board too. This way someone can immediately skip it if they are hard at work and do not have time to read it. If I put video, then someone will know that it is going to take time to view and maybe they don't have the time.

AN APOLOGY TO EVERYONE! The pics came from email and did not follow over here. [2008-01-24]
I won't post those again. They were just so funny and I wanted to share. I really did go out and came back in to Comedy Stop and I could see the pics. (maybe I'm beginning to see things that I want to see!) I thought they were posting. Anyway, if there are any that you want me to send to you by email, put the name of the ones you want and I will email them to you. Also, be sure to include your email address.I've tried to send emails for requests from this site and I get a mail demon. Have a great day!

I am so sorry. I look at these after I post [2008-01-22]
and they came up when I went back to Comedy Stop and clicked on them. This one with monkeys are showing up for me. Maybe there is a computer guru out there that can help me out. I get so many of these cute e-mails, I like to share them and make you laugh at one of them anyway!! I'ss see if I can find this one on the web and post a copy and paste web site! I noticed the one for Having a bad day? didn't come up. That makes me mad. I thought the pictures were showing up on all of them now.

Don't honk at old people! (video) [2008-01-22]
Airbag granny! A lady was video taping her son riding a skate board when her attention switched to an old woman trying to cross the street. It is the best direct hit I have seen in some time. You can hear the lady taping also giggling as she records the event. Please open attachment.It's a quick one but you will get a good laugh..... p://www.zippyvideos.com/4483177586873916/granny_airbag/

Northern Lights [2007-12-30]
You're right, this is Canada. A friend of mine moved to Hay River, North West Territories, and recently sent me these exact same pics. Yellowknife is across the Great Slave Lake from Hay River. And yes, it gets COLD there.

My SIL (and this is very unlike her) [2007-12-29]
won $100 at a comedy club for telling this joke. I loved it!

Another Blonde Joke [2007-12-24]
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GOT UP AND MOVED TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SAT DOWN.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHED HER DO THIS, AND ASKED TO SEE HER TICKET.SHE THEN TOLD THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO RETURN AND SIT IN THE ECONOMY SECTION IN BACK.THE BLONDE REPLIED, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WENT BACK TO THE COCKPIT AND TOLD THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS WHO BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.THE CO-PILOT WENT BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY, SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE FIRST CLASS AND RETURN TO HER PROPER SEAT.THE BLONDE REPLIED, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'THE CO-PILOT RETURNED AND TOLD THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND, TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.THE PILOT SAID, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERED IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAID, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND SHE GOT UP AND WENT BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON.'

Yes, this is the Comedy Stop Board [2007-12-08]
not the word help board, LOL. The term is chest of drawers, not chest of HER drawers, which is hilarious.

Oh my goodness [2007-12-08]
I just go through the list of items on the board and open them up. I didn't realize it was the Comedy Stop. Just too funny. I thought it was a younger MT who had never heard dresser referred to chest of drawers.

I have learned to check [2007-12-08]
where I am if I go in under Active Topics. It's a useful list, except a lot of interesting topics turn out to be on the MQ board, where not everybody is supposed to post, so ya have to be careful using the Active Topics list. :o>

Walking the Dog.... [2007-12-07]
Walking the Dog A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs? The blind lady replied, No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs. Picture this:All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

DUI - Rhode Island Style! [2007-11-19]
Only a person in Rhode Island could think of this. From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Lincoln, RI. After last call at the Lodge, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a cou ple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road headed toward 146. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken. I doubt it, said the truly proud driver. Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

Yes, the term is correct; it just strikes the OP (sm) [2007-11-18]
as amusing. She started another thread, I think on the Gab Board, on words that are gross. She's just having fun with words.

OMG I had that dining room set! [2007-11-13]
My parents had it on the boat and gave it to me when I moved out.....I always wondered where the thing came from!!!

Thank you Hayseed! [2007-11-07]
You are a breath of fresh air on this board! (hugggssss) !!!!

Sixty years of marriage [2007-11-06]
Sixty Years of Marriage: A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he ope ned it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents . When we were to be married, she said, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll. The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. Honey, he said, that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from? Oh, she said, that's the money I made from selling the dolls. A Prayer....... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet

You MUST create a blog that [2007-11-06]
can handle all the pictures. By your description, it is hilarious. I'd love to see JC Penney's version of 1977 again. I remember looking at the catalogs of that time, and even at the time I wanted to advise them on what was cool. Um, another inch on those pants would be nice, HA! And seriously, who would wear those shoes?? I lived in WI in 1977. After that I moved to the SE, and styles were very different, so I guess it's not surprising I found the styles weird - maybe they were normal styles for the more style-conscious eastern states.

Man calls in sick. [2007-10-31]
Contributed by FoxyMX (Message board in England, I believe) Entry: 16-04-2007, 11:23 AM We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: First of all, calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied about specifics anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a dignified explanation for the the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it. You know where the button is, I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. Reset it yourself! But I she persisted. What if it starts going and sucks me in? There was a meaningful pause and then, C So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasnfight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of been-there, done-that paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. Whats the matter?Cat got your tongue? PS. Why is it that only the women laugh at this????