accident in Texas...sm

accident in Texas...sm [2008-02-08]
ACCIDENT IN Texas : YOU HAVE TO LISTEN! catThis is so funny and his laugh is contagious! Close your eyes and just picture what he is watching...it's even better than a video clip!!!You've got to listen to this! It's a phone call from a man inTexas who witnessed a car accident involving 4 elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their site.Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

UPS pilot gripes, mechanic humor [2008-08-12]
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor..... Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPSpilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an S). By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. * P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. * P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit * P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. * P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. * P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. * P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. * P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. * P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. * P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search * P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. * P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. * P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. * And the best one for last * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget

O nly the Irish have Jokes Like These ! [2008-03-17]
Only theIrishhave JokesLikeTheseInto a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he'd just been run over by a train.His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limpWhat happened to you? asks Sean, the bartender.Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight, says Paddy.That little sh , O'Conner, says Sean,He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand.That he did, says Paddy, a shovel is what he had,and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.Well, says Sean, you should have defended yourself,didn't you have something in your hand?That I did, said Paddy.Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing ofbeauty it was, but useless in a fight.*************************************** ***************************************************** **************An Irishman who had a little too much to drinkis driving home from the city one night and,of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road..Acop pulls him over.So, says the cop to the driver,where have ya been?Why, I've been to the pub of course,slurs the drunk.Well, says the cop, it looks like you've had quitea few to drink this evening..I did all right, the drunk says with a smile.Did you know, says the cop, standing straight andfolding his arms across his chest,that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk.For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.***********************************************************************************************************Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.Brenda, may I come in? he asks.I've somethin' to tell ya..Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.But where's my husband?That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...Oh, God no! cries Brenda. Please don't tell me. Imust, Brenda. Your husband Shamusis dead and gone. I'm sorry.Finally, she looked up at Tim.How did it happen, Tim?It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vatOf Guinness Stout and drowned. Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth.Did he at least go quickly?Well, Brenda... no. In fact,he got out three times to pee.************************************************************************************************************Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady afterhis Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.He says, So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?She says, Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away last night.The priest says, Oh, Mary, that's terrible.Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?She says, That he did, Father.The priest says, What did he ask, Mary? She says, He said,'Please Mary, put down that d gun...'*********************************************************************************************************ANDTHEBESTFORLASTAdrunk staggers into a Catholic Church,enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.ThePriest coughs a few times to get hisattention but the drunk continues to sit there.Finally,the Priest pounds three times on the wall.The drunk mumbles, ain't no use knockin,there's no paper on this side either!

Have you had your vitamin L today? [2008-02-16]
L for laughter! This is an oldie but it still makes me laugh! CALLING IN SICK Weall had trouble with our animals, but I donCalling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks Ione recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wifeto adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it. You know where the button is, I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. Reset it yourself! But I she persisted. What if it starts going and sucks me in? There was a meaningful pause and then, C So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasnour new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of been-there, done-that paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. What They all asked, Cat got your tongue? If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this? Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!

Cutesy Valentine Story... [2008-02-15]
Why moms are smarter than dads One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me andmy brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one anda half years old and had just recovered from an accident in whichmy arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and itwas one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living roomengrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearbyin the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' whichwas just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise forsuch yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait inthe living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with acup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,�Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reachto get water is the toilet�?

For those with lots of dogs. [2008-02-08]
Dear Dogs,When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:1. They live here. You don't.2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.3. I like my pet better than I like most people.4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.Sincerely,Your Owner

accident in Texas...sm [2008-02-08]
ACCIDENT IN Texas : YOU HAVE TO LISTEN! catThis is so funny and his laugh is contagious! Close your eyes and just picture what he is watching...it's even better than a video clip!!!You've got to listen to this! It's a phone call from a man inTexas who witnessed a car accident involving 4 elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their site.Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

Atheist in the woods [2008-02-04]
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS An atheist was walking through the woods and said to himself, What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him! At that instant, the Atheist cried out, Oh my God! Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer? The atheist looked directly into the light and said, It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,... You could make the BEAR a Christian? Very Well, ! said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and spoke: Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

Idi__ Sightings! (Comedy Stop, of course!) [2008-02-01]
TOO FUNNY!!!(Had to remove the bad word - last two letters o..t! I hope this does not offend anyone. It's all done in fun. Let me know if it does and I won't post something like this again. Of course, the moderator might let me know first!!! Have a great day and try to stay warm!)IDI__ SIGHTING:We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us thatone of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on theopener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Searsmade at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, youneed a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..We haven't used Sears repair since.IDI__ SIGHTINGMy daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gavethe clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, you gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this wayyou can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get themanager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me backthe quarter, and said I owed $4.25 and he was sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDI__ SIGHTING:I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSINGsign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars outhere! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossinganymore.From Kingman , KSIDI__SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked theperson behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg lettuce.From Kansas CityIDI__ SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employeeasked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Towhich I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Hesmiled knowingly and nodded,That's why we ask.Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDI__ SIGHTING:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Iwas crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She askedif I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind peoplewhen the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blindpeople doing driving?!She was a probation officer in Wichita , KSIDI__ SIGHTING:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving thecompany due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, This isfun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We alljust looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDI__ SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself andfor the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDI__ SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driversside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried thedoor handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to thetechnician, its open! His reply, I know. I already got that side.This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE , THEY DRIVE andthey REPRODUCE

Shopping at Tiffany's! [2007-12-18]
Shopping at Tiffany's A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'He answers , 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to .... when I tell you the price!'

ASR [2007-12-07]
Here's a good ASR... The patient states that he was in a hospital in San Antonio, Texas in May of this year when he was beating his mother(s/b visiting his mother). Also, on down...he was in the Pap Hospital (s/b Baptist Hospital...)

Man calls in sick. [2007-10-31]
Contributed by FoxyMX (Message board in England, I believe) Entry: 16-04-2007, 11:23 AM We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: First of all, calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied about specifics anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a dignified explanation for the the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it. You know where the button is, I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. Reset it yourself! But I she persisted. What if it starts going and sucks me in? There was a meaningful pause and then, C So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasnfight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of been-there, done-that paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. Whats the matter?Cat got your tongue? PS. Why is it that only the women laugh at this????

Escription funnies [2007-08-15]
This is a report by Dr.Dictationfor patient Otto Recog Neizer. (This was put together from actual Escription bloopers in our facility in the last few months). CHIEF COMPLAINT: Diving accident with paint. The patient fell from Iraq and Iran to the ER which is interesting because the patient has a history of Iraq's dismal atrial fibrillation. HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS: Pulp space is a 59-year-old woman who suffered a fall possibly secondary to a sinkable episode. Boats and soft tissues within normal limits, however. The patient had been brought in to have her toenails trimmed as they had been coughing and causing her some pain. She complained of acute epigastric left sided upper abdominal pain since this morning but able to eat cereal probiotic breakfast. She eats three males a day. If she eats a larger than usual male she will have more frequent bowel movements and tend to have a flare up of abdominal pain. PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: Head injury at age of 2 with fractured ball and repair leak leaving a slight bump on her forehead. Encouraged to try Lamisil cream twice daily to her toes and the bottoms of all her feet. MEDICATIONS: Benadryl for tackling the NuvaRing. She should be on 10 milk colons of potassium daily. Assi fix for groan's disease. ALLERGIES: The patient is allergic to irritable mice in Zosyn. SHe has allergies to certain pain pills which make her vomit Jake. FAMILY HISTORY: Family history is positive for a grandfather spanking grandmother with bipolar disorder. REVIEW OF SYSTEMS: Headaches involving the area right above her left eighth ear. No radiation of pain down her buttock into her arms. She does complain of porcelain leap. SOCIAL HISTORY: The patient lives in an assisted living facility in Amputee, Oregon and is highly educated with a master's of dizziness at ministry. She is close to another resident who is described as a scrotal friend. She works for a stalker's association. Their house was molested by a realtor, and she had a nervous breakdown and has a Gore phobia. There is a scant left politician noted and a trace amount of Republican fluid. No suspicous public apology identified but admits to steering Boyce. The patient was toasted. She has been more irritable lately and has broken things such as marriages. PHYSICAL EXAM: GENERAL: Reveals an engaging female in no acute distress. VITALS: She just, just, just died. HEENT: The small doll appears normal. There is no head and apathy. There may be a very slight decreased density projecting over left my sorry sinus. Animal food bilateral maxillary sinuses. The right eye shows some mattress fee of the macula. CHEST: There are sternal lawyers present. ABDOMEN: No organomegaly or animality appreciated. There is compression of thunder like superficial salsa. Abdomen is soft, nontender, skinny positive bowel sounds. Dog is distended. There is an abundance tool in the right abdomen. GENITALIA: Small left hydrocele otherwise no squirrel abnormality. EXTREMETIES: Warm and well perfused though people pulses were decreased and in the phalanx of Jesus. Extensive spawned Olympic changes on the cycle junction. NEUROLOGIC: THe patient is a right hand dominant, pig executive and a little bit hypo reflex sick. Cranial nerves 2-12 are intact with the exception of his horizontal nice diagnosis. LABS AND IMAGING: CHEST: Extensive postsurgical changes of a left upper lobectomy with a lucky lady effusion. The visualized lungAPCs are clear. The basilar vas hilarity is mildly increased with wild placement of the right lateral ventricle. Study shows television right hemidiaphragm unchanged. There is suspicion for a possible superior mediastinal mouse, for which a CAT scan is indicated. There is slight blunting of the right cost of chronic ankle. There is increased retrosternal hair space which results in mild narrowing of the drool sack. PLAIN FILMS OF THE HIPS AND KNEES: The oval ossific density superior patellofemoral joint may represent a loose latte. There is calcification noted adjacent to the great atrocity representing residual of old nononosseous union of the onerous childhood process. Gonzo soft tissues within normal limits. CT ABDOMEN/PELVIS: 8 mm calculus in the right renal pelvis, without evidence of obstructive teachers. On the left there is no evidence of stoner hydronephrotic change or renal cow collide. Nonspecific bilateral pelvic calcifications most likely flea bullets. Focus of the fatty staring in the litter is suggested. Small cavernous human genome in the right lobe of the liver along with a 7 mm lymph node to the pantheist. Apollo was seen in the gallbladder neck on sonography along with splenic Pharisees noted. There is also a solitary clip in the left parabolic gutter at about the level of the Iliad press. Oedipus is grossly unremarkable in appearance. CT BRAIN/SPINE:Three view study shows no apparent bombing of humility. There is posterior Boeing of thecortex and slight narrowing of the spinal canal. There is diffusely mulching disk at this level. (good for gardening). There mayalso be anterior wenching of a lower thoracic or upper lumbar vertebral body which is only faintly seen on this daddy duty technique. Lab results messy and found stabbed to the emergency room. ASSESSMENT AND PLAN: End-stage hepatic failure secondary to Pepsi. We plan on carpeting this abnormality with rehydrating her gently and I recommended that she take upyoga or some back strengtheningsex and flexibility exercise on a routine basis. Encouraged to try Lamisil cream twice daily toher toes and the bottoms of all her feet. Further evaluation with drug visualization is recommended. This will need to be adjusted up, as the patient was running a little on the high side, althoughthere is no Russian doing this.

Diamond bracelet [2007-07-08]
A lady walks into a high-class jewelry shop, spots a diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she peers around praying that no one has noticed her little accident. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Very uncomfortably, but hoping the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet? He answers, Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t when I tell you the price!

Oil [2007-06-27]
Garfield on the oil crisis A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. ~~~ Well, there's a very simple answer. ~~~ Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~ We just didn't know we were getting low. ~~~ The reason for that is purely geographical . ~~~ Our OIL is located in ~~~ ALASKA ~~~ California ~~~ Coastal Florida ~~~ Coastal Louisiana ~~~ Kansas ~~~ Oklahoma ~~~ Pennsylvania and Texas ~~~ Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington , DC !!! Any Questions ???

skin transplant [2007-06-25]
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you. My darling, he replied, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Naming the newborns. [2007-06-17]
Naming the newborns A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children. When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names. When he came in to see her she asked, So what names did you choose for my children? He replied, The first born was a girl. Oh, started the woman, and what did you name her?? Denise, answered her brother. The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, Hey, that's not half bad! She exclaimed to her brother. And what did you name the second child? She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child. Well, the next born was a boy, her brother informed her. Yes, and what did you name him?? inquired the woman. Replied the brother, Denephew.

Hilarious blooper [2007-05-03]
This is from a report I just typed- too funny! She fell out of a truck several years back and she broke her nose. No reduction was performed at that time but she tells me that the overall appearance of her nose did not change and she did not breathe prior to this accident in 1999 nor did she breathe afterwards.

Snakes are Dangerous [2007-04-17]
Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Breath here...... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snapfor that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her!!

Learning to Pay Attention [2007-03-23]
First-year students at Texas AM's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Thanks for the laugh.. [2007-03-14]
Too funny! Good upper for this dreary Wednesday in Texas!

another blonde joke [2007-02-10]
Bubba and Ray (Texas AM mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing?We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole, said Bubba, but we don't have a ladder.The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, Eighteen feet, six inches, and walked away.Ray shook his head and laughed. Ain't that just like a blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!

Cat joke [2006-09-11]
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.The cat thought for a minute and then said, All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.God said, Say no more. Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.The mice said, Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.God answered, It is done. All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?The cat replied, Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!