anniversary gift

anniversary gift [2008-02-17]
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.His wife was REALLY angry.She told him, Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND ITBETTER BE THERE!!The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wifewoke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife puton her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box backin the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Ed has been missing since Friday.Please pray for him.

Wrong Gift Again! (a short video) [2007-12-16]
I thought this was too good not to share! Short and sweet, takes a few seconds to download but so worth it! Click link below!

Gotta love this parrot! [2008-11-28]
The Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, May I ask what the turkey did? HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Red Skelton [2008-03-07]
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you willenjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Kentucky. 3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time! she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric Toaster and electric bread maker. She said There are too many gadgets, and no place To sit down! So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well Because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.She told me, In the lake. 8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late ? The driver said, No, jump in. 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her First name was ALWAYS. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, What's on the TV? I said, Dust! Can't you just hear him say all of these?.....those were the good old days When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple. And he always ended his programs with the words, God Bless

anniversary gift [2008-02-17]
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.His wife was REALLY angry.She told him, Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND ITBETTER BE THERE!!The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wifewoke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife puton her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box backin the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Ed has been missing since Friday.Please pray for him.

Cutesy Valentine Story... [2008-02-15]
Why moms are smarter than dads One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me andmy brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one anda half years old and had just recovered from an accident in whichmy arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and itwas one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living roomengrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearbyin the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' whichwas just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise forsuch yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait inthe living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with acup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reachto get water is the toilet”?

Politically correct Christmas [2007-12-08]
Christmas Party Announcement* *FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 8, 2006* *RE: Christmas Party*I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 22, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should cost more than $10.00 to make it easier for everyone's pockets. Our CEO will make a special announcement. This gathering is for employees only!Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 10, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah's is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no presents. No Christmas carol sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.Happy now???Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 13, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, AA Only; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.How am I supposed to handle this?Somebody?Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little too chintzy.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 14, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during the daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy baggy.Will that work?Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the Gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruit as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply No Sugar desserts. Sorry!Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All F---king Employees* *DATE: November 15, 2006* *RE: the F---king Holiday Party*Vegetarian pukes - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the grill of death, as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your stinking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right NOW!I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!!!The B..... from HADES!!!!!!!!*FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 16, 2006* *RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party*I'm sure I speak for all of us wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery in the unit and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party.Happy Holidays! Joan THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

New Drugs! Comedy... [2007-10-18]
The pictures did not post with this. I would be glad to email it to anyone! Enjoy! NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to____ for up to 8 full hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person. BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.

Frank is Missing!! [2007-08-22]
Frank was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary? His wife was really angry. She told him Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds - AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! The next morning Frank got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box, gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Frank has been missing since Friday.

I thought these were cute :) [2007-07-22]
PALM SUNDAY:IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY.WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, THE BOY FUMED, THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!CHILDREN'S SERMON :ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, WHAT'S IN HERE? I KNOW! A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. PANTYHOSE!! PRAYERS :THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING? NO SIR, HE REPLIED, WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!CLIMB THE WALLS:OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU, THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US.THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. WHAT TRICK IS THAT? SHE ASKED.I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT, THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.THE WATER PISTOL :WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... I REMEMBER!!A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, Everyone who thinks they're *stupid, stand up!After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, Do you think you're *stupid, Little Davie? No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself! Little Timmy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Why do you do that, mommy? he asked. To make myself beautiful, said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. What's the matter? asked Little Timmy. Giving up?GRANDMA'S AGE :LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.GRANDMA ANSWERED, 39 AND HOLDING.JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?

Enjoy The Laughter... [2007-07-07]
LIFE AFTER DEATH :DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH? THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.YES, SIR, THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE, THE BOSS WENT ON. AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!PALM SUNDAY:IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY.WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, THE BOY FUMED, THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!CHILDREN'S SERMON:ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, WHAT'S IN HERE? I KNOW! A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. PANTYHOSE!! SUPPORT A FAMILY:THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES.FIRST TIME USHERS! :A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE.PRAYERS:THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?NO SIR, HE REPLIED, WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!CLIMB THE WALLS:OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU, THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US.THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. WHAT TRICK IS THAT? SHE ASKED.I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT, THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.THE MOOD RING:MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD..THE WATER PISTOL:WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... I REMEMBER!!A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, Everyone who thinks they're dumb, stand up!After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, Do you think you're dumb, Little Davie?No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..Why do you do that, mommy? he asked.To make myself beautiful, said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.What's the matter? asked Little Davie. Giving up?GRANDMA'S AGE:LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.GRANDMA ANSWERED, 39 AND HOLDING.JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?Enjoy the laughter!We all need it ---

I'm on a roll.....Happy Father's day [2007-06-17]
Fathers then & now Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his minivan. In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home. In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera. In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR. In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia. Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams. In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer. In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, Wake up, it's time for school. Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: Wake up, it's time for hockey practice. In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge. In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.. In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: I wanted Sega! In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes. Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol. In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool. Today, he'll get a digital organizer. In 1900, fathers said, A man's home is his castle. Today, they say, Welcome to the money pit. In 1900, a good day at the market meant Father brought home feed for the horses. Today, a good day at the market means Dad got in early on an IPO. In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table. Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's. In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then. Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools. In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention. Today, kids glance up and grunt, Dad, you're invading my space. In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late. Today, fathers break the ice by saying, So...how long have you had that earring? In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building. Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle. In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated. In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

Condoms. [2007-04-26]
If it's tacky, I've done it! Of course I gave a proper gift as well but everyone else thought it was a scream. However, now that I think about it though, I don't ever hear from her anymore. Hmmmm

Things to do in Walmart when bored [2007-04-05]
Hayseed, your post reminded me of this one.....too funny! Things To Do at Walmart When You're Bored As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow, magic! Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly There's no toilet paper in here! Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of MM's on lay away. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say PICK ME! PICK ME! Hold indoor shopping cart races. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples) Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. Play with the automatic doors. Play with the calculators so that they all spell hello upside down. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. Re-alphabetize the CD's. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day. Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bed department. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join. Take bets on the battle from above. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and when they say you didn't buy it there say, Hm... I thought the customer was always right! Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles. TP as much of the store as possible before they stop you. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you can make. Tune all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares and see what happens. Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi. I haven't seen you in so long. etc. See if they play along. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling Red Rover. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, Why can't you people just leave me alone? When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream NO! NO! It's those voices again!!! When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

A Darned Fine Explanation......sm [2007-02-22]
ADarn Fine Explanation The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom makingloveto a very attractive young woman.And was somewhat upset. You are a disrespectful pig! she cried How dare you do this to me-afaithful wife, the mother of your children!I'm leaving you. I want adivorce straight away! And Paddy (for it was he) replied Hang on just a minute luv, so at leastI can tell you what happened. Fine, go ahead, she sobbed, but they'll be the last words you'll saytome! And Paddy began - Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and thisyoung lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out anddefenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. Shetoldme that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion , I broughther home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the onesyou wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she wasdoing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threwthem away. Then, as she needed clothes, Igave her the designer jeansthatyou have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don'tusejust to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at theexpensiveboutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same... Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, She was so grateful for myunderstanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to mewithtears in her eyes and said, Please... do you have anything else that yourwife doesn't use?

Redneck valentine [2007-02-07]
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas. You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When we're in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits. Still them fellers at work They all want to know, What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape Yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles And stick 'em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd. Yo're as cute as a junebug A-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no fire ant Upon which I oft' tread. Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad. When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old Like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank, We go together Like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, It's romantic that way. Some men git roses On that special day From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive, I say. Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. Diamonds are forever, They explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You sweet thang you. I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds it's a new trollin' motor.

Your normal holiday party these days and times..... [2006-12-16]
*Christmas Party Announcement* *FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 8, 2006* *RE: Christmas Party*I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 22, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should cost more than $10.00 to make it easier for everyone's pockets. Our CEO will make a special announcement. This gathering is for employees only!Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 10, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah's is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no presents. No Christmas carol sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.Happy now???Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 13, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, AA Only; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.How am I supposed to handle this?Somebody?Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little too chintzy.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 14, 2006* *RE: Holiday Party*What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during the daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy baggy.Will that work?Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the Gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruit as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply No Sugar desserts. Sorry!Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty*FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director* *TO: All F---king Employees* *DATE: November 15, 2006* *RE: the F---king Holiday Party*Vegetarian pukes - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the grill of death, as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your stinking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right NOW!I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!!!The B.....from H.....!!!!!!!*FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director* *TO: All Employees* *DATE: November 16, 2006* *RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party*I'm sure I speak for all of us wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery in the unit and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party.Happy Holidays! Joan THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.