too much time on their hands

Sounded good at the time! [2008-10-22]
MT typed: The patient came intoclinic with complaint of pain after tending sheep. Doc dictated: Patient came into clinic complaining of pain in tendon sheath. When doctor asked MT why they typed that - reply: Thought he was a shepherd.

I like your thinking. LOL. I will have to remember that for next time. nm [2008-08-11]
nm

Misha, I tried the link post.This will save a lot of time. Thanks you! nm [2008-01-26]
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I checked and pics posted.Who stole the pics! Don't want to waste your time.Sorry!nm [2008-01-24]
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Did you give it a little time to load? [2008-01-22]
Medical transcriptionists don't have a lot of time and are very fast. (Leaves me out! Ha!) Just give it 10 seconds. Maybe it will load. I hope!

Old Ain't For Sissies - If pictures don't post, I'll repost another time [2008-01-22]
Why am I getting more and more of these old age Emails? Old Ain't For Sissies!! An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away. A gentleman approached her said, Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind? Yes, I know, said the lady. But I need my hands to hold onto my hat. But madam, he said, you must know that you're derriere is exposed! The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!

too much time on their hands [2008-01-20]
nm

Thanks! Too much time on my hands sometimes! nm [2008-01-20]
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time warp [2007-10-07]
More Halloween fun....Let's do the time warp again! Hey, if nothing elseit's a good workout. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDCcb3zRl8U

LOL for a long time on this one! [2007-08-24]
Nearly snorted Dr. P up my nose. Thanks for sharing!

remember this at Christmas Time [2007-07-15]
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIMEAccording to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeers grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeers retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

One time I had a doc actually say [2007-04-14]
She got tickled and it took her a minute to get on with the dictation.

The best laugh I've had in a long time! [2007-02-08]
I had four boys over 21 years before I got my girl. Everything in this is true, plus some! Now it's nice to slow down with a nice, predictable girl. (yeah, right!)

If cars ran like computers [2008-12-03]
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computerindustry has, we wouldall be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to thegallon.' In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued apress releasestating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would allbe driving carswith the following characteristics:1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crashtwice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, youwould have to buy anew car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for noreason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of thewindows, shut off thecar, restart it, and reopen the windows before you couldcontinue. For somereason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause yourcar to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case youwould have toreinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,was reliable,five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but wouldrun on only fivepercent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warninglights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An IllegalOperation' warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?'before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car wouldlock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted thedoor handle, turnedthe key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers wouldhave to learn how todrive all over again because none of the controls wouldoperate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button toturn the engine offPS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, youcould call 'customerservice' and be instructed in some foreign language howto fix your caryourself!!!!

Turkey Surgery (FUNNY!) [2008-11-21]
TURKEY SURGERY I was having trouble getting to sleep after a long day of transcribing. Planning for the coming holiday season wasn't helping me relax, but finally I drifted off. I began to dream, and in my dream I was in my kitchen. The favorite Christmas carol of all transcriptionists, Do You Hear What I Hear? was playing on the kitchen radio. I began to prepare our Christmas Dinner. NAME OF OPERATION: Roasting turkey. SURGEON: Dr. Chief Cook. ASSSISTANT: Dr. Bottle Washer. ANESTHESIA: None. FLUIDS: Gravy. INDICATIONS FOR SURGERY: The turkey had been pronounced dead previous to the procedure, and presented with a body temperature of approximately 10 degrees Fahrenheit. It was placed supine in the hypothermic holding chamber and gradual warming procedures were instituted for 24 hours previous to surgery. Body temperature was approximately 40 degrees at the time the procedure began. FINDINGS AND TECHNIQUE: Incisions were already present, and most viscera were surgically absent. The patient had a medical history of decapitation and bilateral pedal amputation. Alopecia was complete, with the exception of a few stray feathers, which were removed. The heart, liver, and gizzard were present in the peritoneal cavity, along with the cervical portion of the patient's spine. These were removed by the surgeon and put to simmer on the back table, to be prepared appropriately for presentation at the completion of the procedure. The peritoneal cavity was thoroughly lavaged and excess adipose tissue was removed. The distal portions of the bilateral upper appendages were tucked neatly behind the acromioclavicular joints. A specially prepared mixture of cornbread, mushrooms, and sausage, with appropriate spices, was packed loosely into the peritoneal cavity. Additional portions of the mixture were inserted subcutaneously and superficial to the pectoral muscles. The peritoneal opening was closed in one layer, utilizing skewers and kitchen string. All fork, knife, and spice counts were correct x2. A thermometer was inserted in the appropriate location to ensure correct body temperature at the conclusion of the procedure. The turkey was placed in the Kenmore hyperthermic unit. It was roasted at 325 degrees, at the rate of 30 minutes per pound of body weight prior to surgery, with intermittent applications of broth and melted butter. After the internal temperature had reached 180 degrees, the turkey was removed from the hyperthermic chamber, and the sutures were removed. The patient was placed supine on a platter and taken to the dining area, where it was found to be in excellent condition by all present.

Cows, Geopolitics, and Big Business [2008-11-18]
From http://www.extremelysmart.com/humor/cowsexplain.php © 2008 Jerry A. Merchant and Mary W. Matthews **** Confused about the difference between socialism, Communism, and the politics of huge corporations? This basic “dictionary” may help. Feudalism: You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream. Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of your cows and gives it to your neighbor. You're both forced to join a cooperative where you have to teach your neighbor how to take care of his cow. Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as its regulations say you should need. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for you share of the milk, but it's so long that the milk is sour by the time you get it. Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair Cowgate. The cows are set free. Democracy, Democrat-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being so successful. You vote politicians into office who tax your cows, which forces you to sell one to pay the tax. The politicians use the tax money to buy a cow for your neighbor. You feel good. Barbra Streisand sings for you. Democracy, Republican-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You move to a better neighborhood. Indian Democracy: You have two cows. You worship them. British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, and a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry. Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. Capitalism: You have two cows. You lay one off, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when she drops dead. Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. Hong Kong Capitalism (alias Enron Capitalism): You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute an debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Isands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad. Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. Foreign Policy, American-Style: You have two cows. The government taxes them and uses the money to buy a cow for a poor farmer a country ruled by a dictator. The farmer has no hay to feed the cow and his religion forbids him from eating it. The cow dies. The man dies. The dictator confiscates the dead man's farm and sells it, using the money to purchase US military equipment. The President declares the program a success and announces closer ties with our new ally. Bureaucracy, American-Style: You have two cows but you have to kill one of them because the government will only give you a license for one of them. The license requires you to sell all your milk to the government, which uses it to make cheese. The government pays lots of money to store the cheese in refrigerated warehouses. When the cheese spoils, the government distributes it to the poor. The poor get sick from the cheese, go to the emergency room, and are turned away because they have no health insurance. The President declares the program a success and reminds us that we have the finest health care system in the world. American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one to a subsidiary company and lease it back to yourself so you can declare it as a tax loss. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. You inject the cows with drugs and they produce four times the normal amount of milk. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. When the drugs cause one of the cows to drop dead you announce to the press that you have down-sized, reducing expenses by 50 percent. The company stock goes up and your bosses give you a huge bonus. You lay off all your workers and move your production facilities to Mexico. You get a huge bonus. You contribute some of your profit to the President's re-election campaign. The President announces tax cuts for corporations in order to stimulate the economy. Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You teach the cows to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Your cows always get higher test scores than cows in the U.S. or Europe, but they drink a lot of sake. German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year and are very expensive to repair. Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and discover you really have five cows! You have more vodka. You count them again and discover you have 42 cows! You stop counting cows and have some more vodka. The Russian Mafia arrives and takes over all your cows. You have more vodka. Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you can't find them. While searching for them you meet a beautiful woman, take her out to lunch and then make love to her. Life is good. French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want another cow, more vacation and shorter work weeks. The French government announces that it will never agree to your demands. You go to lunch and eat fabulous food and drink wonderful wine. While you are at lunch, the airline pilots and flight controllers join your strike, shutting down all air traffic. The truckers block all the roads and the dock workers block all the ports. By dinner time the French government announces it agrees with all your demands. Life is good. Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of ownership is an outdated symbol of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. They get married and adopt a calf. Counterculturalism: Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk. Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Older People [2008-10-14]
Older People...I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The kid had spiked hair in all different colors: green, purple, red, orange, and blue My dad kept staring at him; the teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response. Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

Funny for the day... [2008-09-17]
A man goes to his doctor and says, I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What do I do? The doctor replies, When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. Keep moving closer until she hears you and then let me know how close you get. The man does just that. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, What's for dinner, honey? No response, so he moves to ten feet and repeats his question. Still no response, so he moves to five feet with still no answer. Finally, he stands right behind her and says, Honey, what's for dinner? She replies, For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!

Grandma still drives !! [2008-08-27]
GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!! Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her owncar. She writes:Dear Grand-daughter,The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honkif you love Jesus' bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughtabout the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light hadchanged.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,I'd never have noticed.I found that lots of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, andthen he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!''Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all thoseloving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard himyelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuckup in the air.I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment thatthey got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is whenI noticed the light had changed.So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove onthrough the intersection.I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leavethem after all the love we had shared.So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,Love, Grandma

What cha doing? Fishin. [2008-08-11]
Some time ago I realized, medical transcription is a lot like fishing. You are either waiting for work, or catching some. So now when people ask me, What do you do? I work at home. I'm a fisherman. Surprisingly, no one wants to fish and incredibly they don't say, Oh, I can do that!

afterlife joke [2008-07-25]
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. I don't understand, he complained to God. I devoted my entire life to my congregation. Our policy here in heaven is to reward results, God explained. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon? Well, the minister had to admit, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time. Exactly, said God, and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed.

Shining Career As A Medical Assistant [2008-06-16]
Without being a medical expert, if you want to build up your career in the medical field you have that opportunity to sign up as a medical assistant. Your responsibility practice as a medical assistant is no less rewarding or urgent than doctor or medical expert. This article will provide you with enough information on medical assistance. Many people want to shine their career in the medical field. Their idea of helping the ill people is really appreciating. There are several career paths to pursue their mission in the medical field. So the career their career as a medical assistant will be the right choice for them. In the mean time of their occupation they will bag up the experiences which is no less reward for their lifetime. Practically, all the medical offices whether it is for a high profile plastic surgeon, or a medical clinic in a small town, employs medical assistant. They are considered to be the backbone of the medical practice through their hard work a medical centre can run smoothly. The medical assistant assists in many areas including helping behind the front desk, taking on tasks related directly to patient care and then following up with laboratories and image and diagnostic centres.There are different types of medical assistant who are specialised in their particular fields. Even side by side working with a medical practitioner’s office, they try to work in different environments to behabituated there at ease. This may be in the office of an ophthalmologist, a podiatrist, a gynecologist and even in a laboratory. Though the responsibility of a medical assistant varies slightly according to the fields where they are working but their common motto is following the same destination, that is to help the doctors or other medical practitioners.Naturally, there are lot of skills are expected from a medical assistant. He should have an aptitude to work in a computer; behind the desk he has to manage the schedule of appointments, billing, calling etc.Apparently, the job of a medical assistant may seem to you easiest one; it’s not at all. Without the help of a medical assistant an office will be smashed down.Many medical assistant prefers to work in the office where they can enjoy the opportunity to interact with the patient. Although, a medical assistant is not allowed to examine a patient. But they are trained to watch the vital sign of disease on patients. Even they are trained for injection drawing blood. It can be incredibly rewarding for the assistant to experience a few moments with each patient as they arrive at the office, asking about their medical issue as well as archiving a brief medical history. For this reason it’s very necessary that the assistant has an empathetic friendly nature. With Best Regards Linda

Pillsbury Doughboy joke [2008-05-23]
Sad News Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift

Leroy goes to Revival [2008-05-15]
Leroy goes torevival Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?' Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.' The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?' Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday.'

Polish Woman Are Tough [2008-05-14]
An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favoritepierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and liftedhimself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love fromhis wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?He threw himself towards the table, landing on hisknees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth.With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.Back off! she said. Those are for the funeral.

Mechanic and Cardiologist [2008-04-16]
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop........ The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, Hey Doc, want to take a look at this? The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work? The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... Try doing it with the engine running.

Why a Bee? (Cute story) [2008-04-06]
Why a Bee?Author Unknown Once upon a time the animals had a school. They had four subjects: running, climbing, flying, and swimming, and all animals took all subjects. The duck was good at swimming-better than the teachers in fact. He made passing grades in running and flying, but he was almost hopeless in climbing. So they made him drop swimming to practice more climbing. Soon he was only average in swimming. But average is OK, and nobody worried much about it except the duck. The eagle was considered a troublemaker. In his climbing class he beat everybody to the top of the tree, but he had his own way of getting there, which was against the rules. He always had to stay after school and write, Cheating is wrong 500 times. This kept him from soaring, which he loved. But schoolwork comes first. The bear flunked because they said he was lazy, especially in winter. His best time was summer, but school wasn't open then. The penguin never went to school because he couldn't leave home, and they wouldn't start a school out where he lived. The zebra played hookey ... a lot. The ponies made fun of his stripes, and that made him very sad. The kangaroo started out at the top of the running class, but got discouraged trying to run on all fours like the other kids. The fish quit school because he was bored. To him all four subjects were the same, but nobody understood that. They had never been a fish. The squirrel got As in climbing, but his flying teacher made him start from the ground up instead of the treetop down. His legs got so sore from practicing takeoffs that he began getting Cs and Ds in running. But the bee was the biggest problem of all, so the teacher sent him to Dr. Owl for testing. Dr. Owl said that the bees wings were just too small for flying, and besides they were in the wrong place. But the bee never saw Dr. Owl's report, so he just went ahead and flew anyway. I think I know a bee or two, don't you?

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale [2008-04-06]
This one's for the single gals! Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the heck she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. THE END

A Nun in Hooters Restaurant! [2008-03-17]
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each timethe lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom?The bartender replied, OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf. Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way, said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom? Well, now they know you're one of us, said the bartender,Would you like a drink? Nothank you, but, I still don't understand, said the puzzled nun. You see, laughed the bartender, every time someone lifts thefig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

9 WORDS WOMEN USE [2008-03-10]
9 WORDS WOMEN USE (1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm.This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an id and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever'). (8)Whatever:Is a women's way of saying____YOU! (9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. * Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

Red Skelton [2008-03-07]
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you willenjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Kentucky. 3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time! she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric Toaster and electric bread maker. She said There are too many gadgets, and no place To sit down! So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well Because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.She told me, In the lake. 8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late ? The driver said, No, jump in. 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her First name was ALWAYS. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, What's on the TV? I said, Dust! Can't you just hear him say all of these?.....those were the good old days When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple. And he always ended his programs with the words, God Bless

Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday.... (joke) [2008-03-06]
SAD NEWS...Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

This is funny! sm [2008-03-04]
A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in. Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and down carefully. Miss Jones, he said, it seems quite obvious that until today you have never had an eye exam.

Dr. Phil's Test (This might have been posted before.. ??) [2008-02-26]
Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out! Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the person who sent it to you.) Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now --- not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question. Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready?? Begin. 1 When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon ¢Ê early evening c) late at night 2 You usually walk... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly 3. When talking to people you. .. a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair 4. When relaxing, you sit with. . a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you 5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you ... a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed 7.You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes 8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are. . a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers 10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant POINTS: 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 7 (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 ( c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 Now add up the total number of points. OVER 60 POINTS : Others see you as someone they should handle with care. You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you. 51 TO 60 POINTS : Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate. 41 TO 50 POINTS : Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. 31 TO 40 POINTS : Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken. 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then , usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature. UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some peopl e think you' re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't. Now forward this to others, and put your score in the subject box of your e-mail, like this: Dr. Phil's Test, I'm a ..

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH [2008-02-23]
#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_p.MsoNormal,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_li.MsoNormal,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_div.MsoNormal {margin-bottom:.0001pt;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:'Times New Roman';} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass a:link,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.MsoHyperlink {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass a:visited,#yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_span.EmailStyle17 {font-family:'Courier New';color:windowtext;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;} _filtered #yiv139594808 {} #yiv139594808 .ExternalClass EC_div.Section1 {} JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCHAttending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white? The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. The child thought about this for a moment then said, So why is the groom wearing black?~~~~~~~~~~~~A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either! ~~~~~~~~~~~~Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money! ~~~~~~~~~~~~An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.~~~~~~~~~~~~A police recruit was asked during the exam, What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He answered, Call for backup. ~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter.~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to Honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.~~~~~~~~~~~~At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, Johnny, what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

7 reasons not to mess with children! [2008-02-20]
7 reasons not to mess with children. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell? The little girl replied, Then you ask him. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, I'm drawing God. The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honour thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, Thou shall not kill. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Momma, how comeALLof grandma's hairs are white? The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher, she's dead. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face. Yes, the class said. Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet? A little fellow shouted,Cause your feet ain't empty. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: Take onlyONE. God is watching. Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples. It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

Wouldn't it be great....(political....a great idea) [2008-02-20]
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the or der for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved d uring the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France . In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the e arth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China . I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon ne chance, me z a mies. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops i n the world. I love New York A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try notmaking usmad for a change. Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I ans wer them by saying, 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America . Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

the whole thing looked so official, [2008-02-20]
I was pretty convinced. Evil people with too much time on their hands I guess.