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28 Do's and Don'ts for your baby! [2008-01-25]
http://www.wackyarchives.com/offbeat/caring-for-a-baby-101.html
try again, 28 do's and don'ts with your baby [2008-01-25]
http://www.c00lstuff.com/1133/Do_s_and_don_ts_with_babies/
Baby joke reminded me of this video of Dads changing diapers. [2008-01-25]
Some of you may have seen it before!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTij4txO8Uk
Dog and baby crying together! Cute! [2008-01-03]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZtAfuh6wlQ
If you are a baby boomer you'll love these… [2007-05-11]
It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Someof the artists of the 60's are revising their hitswith new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your LiverThe Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.Abba--- Denture Queen.Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
Looking for something funny for baby shower. sm [2007-04-26]
Friend having a baby shower. Wanted to have something funny, but tasteful to say. Maybe a riddle or joke would be nice. If anyone has any experience in this, i.e., a game, riddle, or joke, I would love your passing this information to me. Thanks.
how does Bucky know this though? He's a baby :). [2007-04-03]
no offense :) I did like him in AI during that season he was in it.....
link [2008-07-31]
http://www.maniacworld.com/twin-baby-moose-in-sprinkler.html
posted this, don't know where it went
JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH [2008-02-23]
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JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCHAttending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white? The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. The child thought about this for a moment then said, So why is the groom wearing black?~~~~~~~~~~~~A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either! ~~~~~~~~~~~~Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money! ~~~~~~~~~~~~An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.~~~~~~~~~~~~A police recruit was asked during the exam, What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He answered, Call for backup. ~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter.~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to Honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.~~~~~~~~~~~~At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, Johnny, what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.
Cute Joke! [2008-02-23]
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. Breast-fed, she replied. Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. I know, she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
Cutesy Valentine Story... [2008-02-15]
Why moms are smarter than dads
One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me andmy brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one anda half years old and had just recovered from an accident in whichmy arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and itwas one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living roomengrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearbyin the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' whichwas just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise forsuch yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait inthe living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with acup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reachto get water is the toilet”?
The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" (Comedy) [2008-02-11]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife"! [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife"! [2008-02-09]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had ! this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Middle Wife comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
How to give a pill to your cat... [2008-02-08]
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw .
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve thecat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastid's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hadies and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air.
Those are great shots! [2008-02-05]
I would love to have the balls to even be a passenger...but I just know I would cry like a baby, pass out, and pee my pants and toss my cookies. Just amazing! Love the prop job plane with those jets. My husband says it's called JTO, jet-assisted takeoff, meant to get planes up in the air with short runways. I never saw such a thing! Very cool!
28 Do's and Don'ts for your baby! [2008-01-25]
http://www.wackyarchives.com/offbeat/caring-for-a-baby-101.html
Grandparents! (with pictures) Something nice! [2008-01-20]
GRANDPARENTS
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret Grandmothers are just 'antique' little girls. ~Author Unknown Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Grandfathers have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Ogden Nash Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.. ~Author unknown Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. ~Author Unknown If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no fun for old people like it! ~ Hannah Whithall Smith It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown Grandchildren are nature’s way of compensating us for growing old. ~Mary H. Waldrip You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Proverb An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida . ~Dave Barry I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense. ~Gene Perret Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice. ~Author Unknown A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,' you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are nature’s gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie
Questions That Haunt Me???!! [2007-11-26]
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME????
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a (deleted)song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor onGilligan'sIslandcan make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song, Bah bah Black Sheep,andTwinkle, Twinkle Little Starhave the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave meyour e-mail address in thefirstPLACE
Another Seniors Story! [2007-11-14]
Subject: Fw: Another Seniors Story
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. May we see the new baby? one asked. Not yet, said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first. Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, May we see the new baby now? No, not yet, said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, May we see the baby now? No, not yet, replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, Well, when can we see the baby?!? WHEN HE CRIES! she told them. WHEN HE CRIES? they demanded. Why do we have to wait until he CRIES? BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!
Medical Exam Funnies! [2007-11-07]
Embarrassing medical exams 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX. 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths, I instructed. Yes, they used to be, replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart. Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week followup appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one? I asked. The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long have you been bedridden? After a look of complete confusion she answered ...Why, not for about twenty years, doctor, when my husband was alive. Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, So how's your breakfast this morning? It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly. Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, Keep off the grass. Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, Sorry, had to mow the lawn. Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY..... The BEST of the bunch.... 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middleaged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? She replied, No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener. Dr. Wouldn't submit his name
The "Middle Wife" [2007-10-30]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kidsmyself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my ownsecond-grade classroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a fewsessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness andusually,show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, modelairplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever,ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want tolugit in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoingkid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with apillow stuffed under her sweater.She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my babybrother,and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate forninemonths through an umbrella cord.She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm tryingnotto laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids arewatching her in amazement.Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
She walkedaround the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now
this kid is doinga hysterical duck walk and groaning.My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn'thave a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to liedown in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back againstthewall.And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there incasehe got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,
likepsshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little handsmimingwater flowing away. It was too much!Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,allof a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff thatthey all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lotoftoys inside there.Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to herseat.I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it'sshow-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case anotherMiddleWife comes along.Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass thisalong to someone else to spread the laughs.
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
The "Middle Wife" [2007-10-30]
The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kidsmyself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my ownsecond-grade classroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a fewsessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness andusually,show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, modelairplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever,ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want tolugit in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoingkid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with apillow stuffed under her sweater.She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my babybrother,and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate forninemonths through an umbrella cord.She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm tryingnotto laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids arewatching her in amazement.Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
She walkedaround the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now
this kid is doinga hysterical duck walk and groaning.My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn'thave a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to liedown in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back againstthewall.And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there incasehe got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,
likepsshhheew! This kid has her legs spread with her little handsmimingwater flowing away. It was too much!Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,allof a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff thatthey all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lotoftoys inside there.Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to herseat.I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it'sshow-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case anotherMiddleWife comes along.Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass thisalong to someone else to spread the laughs.
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
Affairs... [2007-10-23]
The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. Where have you been? his wife demanded. I can't lie to you, he replied, I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon. She looked down at his shoes and said: You lying b******! You've been playing golf! The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: There's no way I can be the father of this baby.Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back? The wife smiled sweetly and replied: Not this time! The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz, the mortician commented, I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity. So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. I have something to show you won't believe, he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. My God! the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead! The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry, she said, stand in the corner. She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. Don't move until I tell you, she said, pretend you're a statue. What's this? the husband inquired as he entered the room. Oh it's a statue, she replied, the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too. No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. Here, he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing. The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent. One Cent? the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine? A nickel, the barman replied. A nickel? exclaimed the man. Where's the guy who owns this place? The bartender replied: Upstairs, with my wife. The man asked: What's he doing upstairs with your wife? The bartender replied: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here. The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: I have something I must confess. There's no need to, his wife replied. No, he insisted, I want to die in peace.I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother! I know, she replied, now just rest and let the poison work.
Understanding a woman [2007-08-19]
Understanding a Woman
We need REALLY MEANS I want
You want REALLY MEANS You need
It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.
You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I don't want you to seemy body.
This kitchen is sosmall. REALLY MEANS I want a new house.
You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.
Yes REALLY MEANS No
No REALLY MEANS No
Maybe REALLY MEANS No
Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.
Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm not fat.
I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANSOf courseI am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish? REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
Should children witness childbirth? [2007-07-19]
Subject: Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the
paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a
flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while
Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again.
The honeymoon's over... [2007-07-18]
Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same. A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Well, said her mother, so how was the honeymoon? Oh mama,she replied, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...Suddenly she burst out crying. But, mama, as soon as wereturned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home! ! PLEASE MAMA! Sarah, Sarah,her mother said, calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words? Please don't make me tell you, mama, wept the daughter. I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!! Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words! Sobbing, the bride said, Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook... I'll pick you up in twenty minutes, said the mother.
A little something for us old folks [2007-06-20]
If you remember the original Hollywood Squares, you are definitely a golden oldie. Here's to all these late great comedians and Peter Marshall, the perfect straight man.
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False: A pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say I Love You? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are Do It, I Can Help, and I Can't Get Enough? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question,Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do He!l's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Spaghetti [2007-06-19]
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, Honey, you received a very strange post card today.
Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it, he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...
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