After my divorce

Time for a divorce. Make him pay for it. nm [2008-11-30]
xx

Divorce [2008-11-21]
I divorced my first husband when my children were 1 and 3. He was a crack addict. It wasn't easy but it was the right decision for me. I would definitely suggest going to Al-Anon. I didn't make it there until quite a few after my divorce, but it helped me a great deal. Best of luck with your decision. Shelly

Anyone go through a divorce w/younger kids? sm [2008-11-20]
Iit just isn while I have always felt you don't throw around the word divorce unless you mean it. Well, I mean it now. I gave him an ultimatum - straighten himself out or I leave with the kids. I am not going to go through 5 years of this again. It is affecting the kids, and my son is acting out to the point of saying he wishes he had never been born. I am giving my husband until after Christmas to decide what he is going to do, and if he does not value our marriage more than his alcohol, I am moving out of state. This is not to keep him away from the kids but because my parents (divorced also) are in a different state than I am and I have no family at all here. Has anyone had to make a decision like this? I donno other options. He refuses to go to counseling or to see a doctor about what I am positive is depression. Any tips or suggestions? Sorry to dump on everyone like this, thanks for reading.

divorce [2008-10-10]
It takes time. Be extra kind to yourself, seek support if you need to. It does get better, trust me. I am now in a place where I'm happiest I've ever been. I'm still alone but independent and free!

Divorce final today [2008-10-09]
Just feeling a little down, as my marriage is officially over as of this morning. I just a little sad. Any of you been there, done that?

which is better? Divorce or stay for kids? (sm) [2008-09-11]
My husband and I are trying to decide which is better, to get a divorce or to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage. He is bitter a majority of the time. I am depressed because of the marriage. But we are able to function and so far the kids are doing well. They do well in school, are social, involved in Scouts and church, no behavioral or emotional issues. I say if we can do this right and divorce with as little trauma as possible, we can keep the kids happy. He says we should just stay together like we are, which is not having sex for the past 3 years but him asking for it daily, and being bitter every day when I say no. There have been a lot of terrible things that have gone on between him and me, and we have been to several marriage counsellors. I know I will never want to be sexual with him again, because when he touches me, it feels like poison, and no matter how hard I try, I haven yet he asks me every day, usually via email. Which is worse?

After my divorce [2008-06-18]
and my 45th birthday, it seems like everything changed for me. Things I thought were important, aren't anymore. I don't care about what I have, I'm more interested in what I've done, or more specifically, haven't done yet. Even my politics have changed some. Life changes you. Its like Character Remodeling as we mature. I've always been suspect of anyone over 45 who tells me that they have no regrets in life. Have they lived life with eyes wide open? Nothing could have been made better? In some ways, if you aren't evolving and changing, is it possible that you are not living? Great question.

What do I think? Time for a divorce! [2008-04-18]
I will NEVER be able to understand why women put up with stuff like this. Your husband sounds like an ***. I have - or had - a friend whose husband was like this. Very controlling. They fought all the time because unlike you, she WOULD push the issue constantly. The fights eventually became physical. After so many times of her crying on my shoulder and asking for advice (my advice was pretty obvious), I finally decided I couldn I did care for her, but I can't be the shoulder ever time he hits her and then be waiting for the next time to say the same things again. It bothers me a lot that women put up with controlling jerks like that, and I just can't stomach being part of it. That is your sister! Who is he to tell you that you can't see her? Ugh, this kind of stuff makes my stomach turn.

Can't seem to move on after divorce [2008-04-14]
I'm divorced now for quite a few years and have just had absolutely no interest in dating. I have 2 children (older) and bringing men into their lives in any capacity has never sat right with me, yet I'm lonely. My ex has moved on (in a new relationship) and unfortunately I have to be around them during kid's functions. It's not that I'm pining for my ex. I just miss being a family unit. I sought a little counseling but it didn't help. I'd appreciate any advice anyone might have who has been in a similar situation.

Divorce [2008-03-25]
My children were 14 and 11 at the time of my divorce, they are now 24 and 21 and are happy productive adults that any mother would be proud of. Not to say it wasn`t a very hard thing to go through, but all the fighting is very hard on the children to. I remember my daughter telling me that if I was to ever take her dad back she would be very mad at me, what does that tell you, if your children are old enough, talk to them about their feeling and fears. Also, their dad got in their in there head and promised them all kinds of things that never came to past, to get them to stay with him so he didn`t have to pay child support,so be ready for that to, but as I said it didn`t take my daughter long to figure that all out, now she is grown and married and her and her dad hardly speak, which breaks my heart, it not fair that a child should have to do without either parent. Anyway I could go on about this subject all night cause it isa heartbreaking thing for all involved. But you are the only one that know if it`s worth hanging on to. my prayer`s go out to you in whatever you decide.

Your brother doesn't believe in divorce? [2008-03-06]
Does he believe in marriage? A Catholic priest once asked my friend that question. ONE person alone cannot make a marriage. Adultery, emotional/verbal/physical abuse, financial irresponsibility, substance abuse, gambling should not be tolerated. If not divorce, then a legal separation.

Except FL has no fault divorce. Everything is 50/50. [2008-02-26]
nnnnnnnnnnnnnn

My parents getting a divorce after 30-something years... [2008-02-25]
Can you believe after so long together my parents are getting a divorce. My dad has this woman on the side who he just is crazy about. My mom says on his cell records it shows he calls her all day long. He even leaves the house to go call her at 10 o Sometimes he gets dressed up and makes sure his hair is all in place and then mama said she knows he is going to meet her. The kicker here is my mom has found out according to bank statements he is paying her house note and car note out of his account. I don Have you ever known a man to just be totally crazy about a woman like this?My mom has even found a new computer box in the back of his truck under the toolbox. It is just crazy to me. My husband says I would be dern if I would spend my money on some woman to give her everything she wanted and pay her bills. It would make me feel like I was being used. But he says to my mom we are just friends. I have never talked to a friend that much or paid a friends bills or bought them whatever they want. What the hey?!

I went with consumer credit counseling. After my divorce I had [2008-01-05]
$18,000 worth of credit card bills to pay off. My ex filed bankruptcy but I did not want to do that. I was doing okay with the bills, but CCC told me they could get the rates lowered and paid off in 5 years. It would take twice that long at my minimum payments. I paid off 6 months early and just bought a house. You just have to be disciplined. They only let you keep 1 credit card. Believe me, it is worth it in the end.

Machine of my choice - divorce lawyer [2007-11-21]
I couldn't live like that. Besides the awful stench and the health hazards, I wouldn't stand for his lack of respect for me.

Sometimes it comes down to divorce OR suicide [2007-11-18]
I All it did was add years of misery to their lives. Depends on the issues and the big picture - sometimes divorce is the best answer.

Divorce is like suicide [2007-11-16]
It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Wait a while and things will get better. It always does. I have been married to the same guy for 40 years and I dated him for 5 years before I married him and based on this experience I give you my aged wise advice! I think you are just ticked off that he never considers what you want to do and so you feel like if he went to Africa or somewhere for a few months it would give you a respite from anger. Go to counseling or get a friend of his (if he has one who is suitable) to let him know that your complaint is a valid one and that he needs to take a look at his behavior of always making plans without consulting you. Let him know that you guys are a we not an I. Just temporarily, go downtown and get a pedicure and buy something new for your trip that he planned that you did not want to go on. You will feel better, have a new outfit or two, and your feet will be lovely until this resolves itself (and it will).

Is this an indicator I should divorce - listen to this (sm) [2007-11-15]
I posted yesterday about my husband planning things without me.... Then yesterday he sent an e-mail that his company is looking for someone to go to Africa to work for 5 to 6 months early 2008 and should he apply. I got all excited at the thought of him being gone for that long!! How awful is that?? I can remember when I would be sad that he had to be gone for three or four days! Now he tells me he was kidding and that he would never really go work in Africa like that. I was disappointed! I have been trying to decide if I would be regretful if I divorced him but I can't believe my reaction to the possibility of him being gone and my disappointment that he was staying!

divorce [2007-11-15]
Me, too, Freebie - I absolutely despised the man after 17-1/2 yrs., got divorced. He had the nerve to die 5 yrs. later. Had I stayed, I would be on easy street now instead of wondering whether to pay the phone bill, the electric bill or pay for Christmas or charge it. If I only knew then what I know now - haunting isn't it?

I'd tell him to save HIS money for a divorce lawyer sm [2007-11-14]
He seems kind of rude to me. No way my hubby would dictate to me like that. He knows I would show him the door

Question about mortgage and divorce...sm [2007-11-10]
Is the only way to get my name off a mortgage is to have my ex either refinance or sell the place? Thanks

Divorce is final insurance is gone [2007-11-09]
Once you are divorced, you are off of his insurance unless you COBRA over but yo haveto do that immediately. He cannot add her without being married and if he does this under the table, it is insurance fraud and both of them can get into trouble. If he is behind on his support, don All she has to do is to call his HR department or if she knows what insurance they had while married, call them. Beware of him he does not sound to be above board and legitimate.

You probably wont have to worry about a divorce on your end [2007-10-28]
I have been married about 10 years now and exact opposite of what you have. I have love and respect and more but I am older and love the time I can spend with my husband. I think he is the best thing since potato chips. I love and seek out his hugs, his kisses and yes sex. He is not first husband but definitely would be the last, just could never find anyone to measure up to him. I would do anything in my power to make him happy and I think he feels the same about me. Even though you have a young family, feel like the lack of closeness could be very much associated with the fact you are so against the so called slave in the bedroom. I am very surprised that your husband might not be looking outside the marriage to get more satisfaction. Think about it, not just you can get a divorce.

My SIL wanted a divorce until [2007-09-26]
he got accepted into medical school. Then things changed rather quickly. The person he is married to now he met in med school and they graduated together and work together at the same hospital. She encouraged him and motivated him the entire time he was in school. He didn't start med school until he was 31 so it was a big decision on his part. Am so proud of him.

See inside RE: Divorce. [2007-09-24]
It sounds like you have gone in different directions; however, marriage is about compromise. It sounds as though you What a shame. It is a tough world, but think before you act because I know someone who was in your shoes, and she divorced her husband and now it is really hard for her to make enough to survive, let alone, have any fun. I think it sounds like you need a weekend getaway to number one, light that flame again. You also need to do some research on your own and try to compromise in where you live. It is obvious you will need to be the house hunter, and then once you find what you want within reason for distance to his job, hunting, backyard, etc., you sell it to him in a way that first and foremost meets his needs, and then put your needs second this time. That way, he feels ownership, and you in the long run get exactly what you want. Keep in mind, men are just big little boys, and most want a very simple life. l wish you all the luck, but I wouldn

I absolutely can not stand when someone..sm [2008-12-02]
here just throws out there get a divorce. Divroce is not always the answer and not always that easy. I have a very good marriage and our DS is graduating this year. If DH wanted to attend something else instead I would let him, but I guarantee the locks would be changed when he returned. I am sorry that this is a problem for you, I get along quite well with my family as well as my in-laws so I donmy son so I guess he is not the biological son of your husbands. Always put your children first. If other family members don't make it to the graduation, so be it. I understand the hurt, but once again just be there for your child and to He!! with the others.

I just need to VENT and see what you all think...Beware...this is long...sm [2008-11-30]
I have tried twice to tell this story but deleted it both times because the story is just too long so I will be as short as I can. I have a bunch of ROTTEN TO THE CORE sisters.My sisters are just about the worst people I have ever met in my whole 43 years on this planet. There is one who is especially bad and I just told my other sister that if she ever dies, to please not call me as I won I come from a very large family with 5 sisters and 1 brother with my brother being the oldest. He is not involved. He sort ofleft the family years ago because he couldn They did terrible things to him after his divorce. We rarely see him now.I am considered a scumbag and a loser because my husband and I don We don We don We can We love our children with everything in our souls. They have made fun of me and my husband and insulted us to our faces.My husband and I have a difficult marriage as he is tough to get along with so they hate my husband My sistershave all gone out to dinner without inviting me. I have found out because of someone They have made threats and sent rumors flying throughout the family, without me knowing, about calling DCYF on me. I heard that one too from a slip of the tongue. I cried for 2 hours in the shower that day. They talk about everyone and I mean everyone badly. They have awell known reputation ina couple of our towns here for being mean horrible girls. They are about as fake and phony as a person can get. Sweet and all smiles to your face and when you turn around, they stick that knife in as far as they can get it in. They have what they have in their lives because of what someone has given them. My sister had her property given to her by her in-laws. It is worth about $1,000,000. My other sister had land given to her by her husbandto lessen their mortage burden so now they owe almost nothing on their $500,000 house. They think they are fabulous people. They think they are the cat In the past years when we were all talking and I would be invited to a holiday, I was not spoken to at all the whole time I was there. I am a venter and I always have been so if my husband and I are fighting, I will always go to my older sister (one up from me) and vent and vent until I can She gets on the phone the second I leave and tells every person in my family what is going on. They in turn judge me and my husband, make their threats, and so on. This is also happening to my oldest sister and her partner (she is in a gay relationship but was always dating a man and was married twice) and my sister The three of us, me, my sister and her partner, and my sister We get along well. We are happy with each other. We don Whatever happens in each other lives, we just accept it and don I now attend holidays at my sister I don I don The sisters (I like to call them the Witches of Eastwick) all attend holidays with each other up at my sister The three of us are not invited. My older sister has a son. Several yeas ago, my sister and her partner had a terrible fight with him. He went to the witches and told them a bunch of lies and now they have pretty much shunned her and her daughter and me too because we still talk to her.I have a sister, who is involved in all of this, that I speak to on a regular basis. She is close to my kids or at least my oldest son. She pretty much ignores my other two children and they tell me, It She is the one who has spread rumors about me in the family trying to get everyone to call DCYF on me. I heard this too by a slip of the tongue from another sister a few years back. I tend to be a forgiving person so I quietly forgave her for this without her ever knowing that I knew what she was trying to do. Now that they are all inviited to the holidays up to my sister They are extremely fat just like her. These holiday trips up north are usually kept quiet and I only know about it the day before they are leaving to go, which is when she inevitably asks me to come feed her f******g cats. This is how Iknow that a big party is going on up at the cabin and once again only the chosen selected few are going. This is usually for 3 or 4 days and they get fed twice a day so I have to goto her house twice a day. Sometimes I have to give them medication and the last time she asked me, I even had to soak her sick cat She lives about 20 minutes away from me. This girl would NEVER, NEVER, EVER do this for me. My husband and I took our children on a cruise 3 years ago and we have a cat and I never asked her to do this for me as I know she would have laughed in my face. I have been feeding her cats for years now when she goes away. Keep in mind though that she was in the select chosen few to be invited up to the cabin. I was not as I am considered trash in the family. I am SICK AND TIRED of feeding this girl My sister who invites everyone to go is a mean, horrible, sadistic, vicious, backstabbing wretched b***h. No one will say anything to her like, Gee Pat, where is everyone else? Didn They could care less. All they know is that THEY were invited. Anyway, I am sorry this is so long. I cananymore. I have been thinking of this all day all weekend long. I am really to the point where I just don I am goingto tell my fat a** b***h sister to fnd another way to get her cats fed because I She is just using me and believe me when I tell you, she enjoys it. She is verydiabolical. She loves it that I am not invited and she and her husband are.She even questions me and counts the cat food cans to make sure that I came on all of the days they were gone. These people have balls of brass and I have had ENOUGH.I am just sitting and waiting patiently for the next time she says, Oh, we Can you come and feed the cats? I just canNo. I can I will never feed your cats again! Find some other sucker to do it! I believe that they are severely narcissistic people and this is nothing to take lightly.These types of people are very destructive. Do any of you have family members like this and what do you do about them? How do you stop them from making you feelsad, lonely, excluded andless than you are or deserve? I think it is time for me to cut all ties with them. I just can

What do you do when your husband...sm [2008-11-25]
wont My parents got a divorce this year. My mom told my dad he could come and visit and eat and see us kids. Well my husband has said if he is going to come then I won I really want to spend thanksgiving with my husband but I can She has helped me too much. She does so much for me. More than anyone. So I am going. He said he don He also doesn So he won If my mother and us kids can tolerate my dad why can

How far away is your mom's? [2008-11-25]
Would it be possible to have Thanksgiving dinner at home with your husband and then go to your mom I think that your husband is your first priority. If he doesn If you can tell he wants you to stay home, then I think you should stay with him and see if you can visit your mom a little later in the day. I Both my husband Some things we work through, some things we can

moving out of state [2008-11-21]
Check your divorce laws in your states. Many states will not let you or your (ex) spouse move out of state without permission of the other. Some even have a mileage radius. I think it's to keep both parents close to the kids and not having one parent run far away so the other can't ever see the kids again. My kids were 5 and 1 when I was in the process of getting divorced, and I moved out of state before I realized this. Fortunately my ex realized and understood the need for me and the kids to be close to my family for support, so it was written in the papers that it was okay for me to move out of state and he signed it.

Divorce [2008-11-21]
I divorced my first husband when my children were 1 and 3. He was a crack addict. It wasn't easy but it was the right decision for me. I would definitely suggest going to Al-Anon. I didn't make it there until quite a few after my divorce, but it helped me a great deal. Best of luck with your decision. Shelly

Anyone go through a divorce w/younger kids? sm [2008-11-20]
Iit just isn while I have always felt you don't throw around the word divorce unless you mean it. Well, I mean it now. I gave him an ultimatum - straighten himself out or I leave with the kids. I am not going to go through 5 years of this again. It is affecting the kids, and my son is acting out to the point of saying he wishes he had never been born. I am giving my husband until after Christmas to decide what he is going to do, and if he does not value our marriage more than his alcohol, I am moving out of state. This is not to keep him away from the kids but because my parents (divorced also) are in a different state than I am and I have no family at all here. Has anyone had to make a decision like this? I donno other options. He refuses to go to counseling or to see a doctor about what I am positive is depression. Any tips or suggestions? Sorry to dump on everyone like this, thanks for reading.

Need some advice on an old friendship -- [2008-11-16]
I got divorced 7 years ago. Started out as a friendly divorce and then I started dating a man that my ex did not like (because he is black) and we quit speaking at all. Then, one of my very good friends started backing off from the friendship andI thought it was because I was openly dating a black man. Well, 4 months later, I heard that she was dating my exhusband. I called her and asked her about it and of course she denied it, could not believe I accused her of that, she would never do that to me..... on and onand on. To make a long story short, of course 2 months later I found out it was true, they had bee seeing each other for about 6 or 7 months. Anyway, during that time period after I knew that they were together but before they broke up, I would call her occasionally if I needed information on my son (who lived with his dad and would not speak to me at that time becaue of brainwashing) and we stayed friendly on the phone, felt like old times, etc. Then they broke up and now occasionally I get the urge to call her or she will call me for something, and it is like nothing ever happened. We laugh and cut up and it I have some thoughts though about when it really started, before we were even divorcing or during the divorce, and then sometimes I get really mad because she lied to me in the first place and let me keep trying to have a friendship, and then sometimes I miss her and think it does not matter because we were divorced and he was free and I definitely did not want him back. My problem is what to do? Forgive her and forget her... forgive her and be friends again... ask her the questions I need answers to and then decide whether to be friends??? And the other big problem is my new husband gets very upset every time I even speak to her because she did thatto me when she was my friend and he says you never go behind friends to their love interests. Advice please....

Find a lawyer, find out where you would stand - sm [2008-10-26]
in the event of a divorce/separation, regarding custody, house, etc. Custody was my main concern as well since I lied on numerous occasions about the finances. Where I am I was told that would not factor in to the custody at all. I can prove that I am my kids caregiver 90% of the time, I ferry they around everywhere, help with homework, get ready for school, meet at busstop, etc. I could also point out my husband is an alcoholic, self treats his depression with alcohol instead of getting proper medical treatment, has threatend to kill himself (or me) numerous times (though he always says he was joking and did not mean it.....that is his standard answer to everything, or that he never said that). Now I do love him enough to deal with all that because deep down inside my DH is full of it, luckily for me, he has never followed through on anything he says he is going to do. But I thought my confession would be the straw that broke it all and send him over the edge. He still is angry with me, I am sure he will be for a long time, but is keeping it together pretty well, though he has said the stress was going to kill him, now he know how I felt I guess. I am sorry your husband is such a smuck. I feel like a dog sometimes with the sex demands, have to do it the night before he goes out of town....he will be traveling a lot for work for the next 3-4 months, which I am more than glad about, much calmer here then, though it gets tiring for me but as he is not really helping much right now it really won't be much of a change. As for yours going on 5 day weekends.....have you considered having him followed, sounds like there may be some infidelity afoot, and if so that would strengthen your case in the event of a divorce and custody I would think. Sounds a bit fishy going out until 1 a.m. and his frequent trips. My DH fishes too, but he goes 2 miles from here with one of our male neighbors, they shoot the breeze and he gets to unwind some which I encourage. Very rare weekends with a buddy of his, I am talking once every 2 years, which again is fine with me. Start keeping track of all you do, when he is home, where he supposedly goes, with whom, etc. He cannot show he will be a responsible dad if he is never there or never interacts with his own kids. My DH would probably suggest I take our older daughter and he the younger, spliting them up, he has the same perception, the oldest is mine, the youngest is his. Our younger daughter is much easier to deal with, our older daughter drives him nuts and she is only 10. My younger one (8) knows something has been going one though, and worries we will divorce, which she does not want. She is very perceptive for her years. I hope that if you do go the divorce route, which would actually probably be best in your situation, that it all works out for you and you get your fair share of assets, etc. Make sure before you do anything like that you have all your ducks in a row, so talk to divorce lawyer. I talked to one for 45 minutes, cost me $160 but was worth it to set my mind at ease. Good luck.

I was not out buying designer clothes or stuff for myself - sm [2008-10-25]
in my case it was we, mainly him, spent way more than we make. Everytime one of his cards got a large balance (he never looked at the statements and I pay the bills) I would tranfer it over to one of my cards, which again he never looked at, and I had a P.O. Box for--so in my case it was very, very easy to do, and with paperless statements today even easier. We had a lot of things happen in our life over the past 4 years which made the money/credit card issue much worse, easily added $40K onto it (at $89K now)--family death, serious child illness--still dealing with that some--, job loss on my part, private school tuition ($12K a year---no longer go there for the last 2 years), inability to pay bills and heavily borrowed on cards----d-u-m-b I know. So don't be so quick to judge, it is not always so black and white. Yes I did get a few things I should not have, but I know during some of this time I was depressed though not horribly so but enough so as to buy a few things I never should have, but for 95% of it it was my DH never denying himself anything (though he would have if he'd known, and now he is --granted not too happy about it---one tiny concession he has made is only 9 beers a day, down from 12, so maybe he can get 3 days out of a case of beer instead of 2.) So my days of robbing Peter to pay Paul are over. We plan to have an open book when it comes to finances once his are paid off, and mine are enrolled with a debt management plan--- then only use his cards for gas, and work stuff basically--I won't have any as they will all get destroyed and cancelled in the DMP, and will use my debit card for everything --which I do now anyway, so it won't be a huge change for me. I don't think she is lamenting, just realizing what a horrid mess she has to deal with, it is hard, and I have to deal with my DHs comments for years to come, he did a few zingers last night. I will be okay though and have to pay the piper, it is worth it not having to go through a nasty divorce and custody fight as I know it would not have been pretty.

Help. I have made my own prison. Please make suggestions sm [2008-10-24]
I will try to make this brief. I have marital problems, husband is gone all the time. I came to work at home again because I have no help with our children. I need to be here if they are sick and be here when they get home from school. But I have become once again socially isolated (I did this type of work for years and had a job outside of the home and enjoyed it, except for the fact that my children did not get enough attention, so I quit). I do have friends but I don I used to walk several miles a day but never do that anymore, have gained weight, eat junk food, stay on the computer too long. I am constantly busy. I still do volunteer work with my children - Scouts, church, etc., but I am so overwhelmed. My husband is almost never here. It almost feels more like he comes to visit us sometimes than actually lives here, but I need his help financially and my son is very afraid for me to get a divorce (long story, but he is afraid he would have to live part-time with his dad, and they are not close). I have debt that my husband doesn But he won When I tell him I need more money he tells me things like, turn off the cable TV or don The thing is he spends lots and lots of money on entertaining himself. He makes 3 x as much as I do (or maybe 4 by now). I have not been allowed to open his mail for years and we pretty much never talk. I have started to allow things to pile up, mail around my desk, weight around my middle, clutter here and there. I just feel like a big slug. I am tired much of the time. In reading this I sound depressed but I am already taking an antidepressant which I started a few years ago because of my marriage.I love my children so dearly but I am afraid of leaving and disrupting their lives. If I left I would at least get my part of the equity in ourhome, etc., and maybe have a chance at having a life again. Anyway, I know this is long and rambling and jumbled, but I just woke up, from another night of poor sleep. Please suggest what you would do. Thanks

start by taking charge of your life in 1 small way [2008-10-24]
Start exercising again. If you can I would pick something smaller to change to start with. I know this is easier said than done. Good luck.

I thought I was the only one...sm [2008-10-24]
who also has lost their life. Been at home home now for many years and the same thing has happened to me. Husband works late four nights a week. Love my children more than life and the thought of disrupting their lives makes me go into a panic attack. I used to have friends, wonderful friends of 30 years, but don't anymore. One went off the deep end after a divorce from an absolutely horrible man and hasn't spoken to me since and the other divorced a horrible nasty 500 pound slug and has since remarried and now has a new life and doesn't want to hear it with me anymore (even though I was there for the both of them during their horrible marriages divorces.) I have a large family with many sisters but they are so utterly cruel and narcissistic, the only way you can stand to be around them is you either have to be just like them or if you don't mind being destroyed because that is what they do. They destroy people including their family members. I, too, used to exercise every day walking four miles a day and exercising at the gym for about 1 1/2 hours a day. Lost 75 pounds and felt FABULOUS and had incredible stamina, but that has since all gone away and now I am right back to where I was. I have no money. My husband doesn't necessarily spend money entertaining himself but we are not financially together (and not because I am financially irresponsible but mostly because he is controlling and a wife with no money is not powerful). I have been applying for jobs outside of my house but haven't gotten one yet and unemployment in my state is through the roof. I feel as though I have lost my life. My children are getting older but my oldest who is in the 9th grade has ADHD and is very immature so to leave him for long periods of time during school vacation could be disastrous especially since he will be home with his two younger siblings who are 13 and 11. They fight unlike any other children you have ever seen. At the same time, I have an extremely difficult husband to live with who, most of the time, only sees his own wants. I sit here in my house (that we rent) every single day and try to figure out how to get my life back without endangering my children. My youngest also has severe ulcerative colitis and is probably looking at surgery in the next year to have his colon removed, which that in and of itself presents its own challenges to say the least. I don't know how I am going to get him or me through that one. I feel as though I have stress oozing from every pore in my body. I have nightmares when I sleep of becoming sick with cancer or my kids becoming sick with cancer. I have nightmares of being murdered or of someone else being murdered. I have nightmares of my sisters doing their terrible deeds to me. I, too, already take an anti-anxiolytic/ anti-depressant which does help but when you live like this, drastic measures need to be taken to get this straightened out and not just medication. I apologize for not being much help to you but I thought you needed to know that you are not alone and that there are others out there who are having the same problem. Just remember, this is a temporary situation and someday it will get better. That is what I keep hoping for anyway. Good luck to you.

I'm not sure if this will work - but it might be worth [2008-10-24]
a try. Does your husband pay the bills or does he give you money to pay them? Make a household budget, including allowances for gas and groceries. Either add in a little extra for the allowances to cover incidentals that might come up or present him with the receipt after he pays. Another thing I would definitely do -- you might want to consult with a divorce attorney. Don Your attorney will tell you what you would be entitled to. Depending on what state you live in, you may even get spousal support for a short time. You should be entitled to have 1/2 of everything you The debt you have accrued will also be shared between him and you. When youboth of your debt regardlesswho charges it. As for your children, you can discuss that with your attorney as well. Let him know your child Only after you are informed by a good divorce attorney, can you decide what Don Find out first and then decide. Most consultations are free or relatively low cost. If you do pay for the consultation, make sure to pay by cash so as not to leave a paper trail. It would be better to make a cash withdrawal on your credit card, if youneed to. Get your ducks in a row before he has a chance to start picking them off. Good luck and keep us posted!

I just went thru something similar - sm [2008-10-24]
I was the one back in late August and then back on Oct. 13 or so----I had racked up a ton of debt on his and my credit cards which he knew nothing about. I finally confessed to him, he reacted pretty well considering the bomb I dropped on him. He does not want to divorce over it thank God but some amazing miracle. Obviosly your situation is a bit more complex. My DH is not that controlling. I was/am the one to get the mail, and would decide what he would see or not see, though he had no scruples about reading my mail, he would get upset if I ever read anything personal sent to him. As I know it is nothing to get bent about I let that one go. He has never cheated and even confirmed that when I confessed my deceit and financial infidelity to him. Luckily he still loves me enough to keep it together. He is trying a little more, though he has backed off doing a few things he used to around the house, I have taken on more responsibility around here, the price I have to pay I guess. I did 85% of it before, now, 95% (he used to cook dinner....now it looks like I get the pleasure of doing it from now on as he has not done it once since the 13th. Granted any reference to buying anyting is , we cannot afford it....which we can, but yes things are going to be a bit tight for the next five years, but we will manage. I have not done it yet, but Monday going to get the wheels rolling and do CCCS for my debts. His will be taken care of soon as we are selling off a bunch of mutual funds from the 401K (loan) so no penalties though with the economy we will have to sell more than we would have a few months ago which stinks. ---He is willing to economize now that he knows there is an issue though (he makes about 4x what I do). You will have to bit the bullet and confess as well. It is not easy. I wrote him a note and then left the house for a short while, then came back and we talked it all out. I figured my marriage would be over, but I think for the kids and still some feelings for me he wants to keep it all together. We have a good life together for the most part and he knows that. We do things together as a family, still have enjoyable sex once a week (took him 9 days after my confession), and are in tune with each other and the kids. Considering it he has been so good after it , you never know your husband might surprise you like mine did. He has not really made any comments for a week now, which is amazing in itself. My DH generally is the type of guy who blames everyone else for his mistakes and takes no responsibility for anything, so that is why it was such a shock that he is handling this all so well. Generally he acts like a 3-y/o and holds grudges. So it is possible your husband can be a standup guy. I guess it will depend on how much he cares for you, keeping the marriage together and not becoming a part-time dad or having to give you the house or a ton of money.....I am sure that all factored in in my situation. All I said was that no one would win in a divorce. He has been divorced before so I know he does not wnat to go thru that again, sees it as personal failure. But I feel so much better for telling him, a huge weight has been lifted. I still have a lot to get thru but the worst is over. I know my streess is still up there some, but I know longer have to worry about him finding out, etc. So you need to formulate a plan, maybe set aside some ready cash, and and tell him what is going on. You can email me if you want. I hope it all works out for you.

I did talk to a lawyer too before I dropped - sm [2008-10-24]
the bomb on my DH as I wanted to know where I stood. I live in a state where they do an equitable disbursement of the marital goods, assets, etc. I would have a 40% stake in the house, entitled to about $100K in his 401K (1/2 of its growth since we married), 1/2 of assets we purchased together. Though a judge would deem what it fair, either way I would walk away debt-free though I would not have a home if we sold everything. He told me in one of his pissy moments that if we lose the house (which there is no danger of) he is moving in with his parents with the kids and I am on my own. What he does not realize that no judge would give him custody (has depression , threatened suicide, etc) and the kids would want to be with me. He has a temper too that gets the better of him too much and he is an alcoholic as well. So if a judge gave him custody I would be totally shocked. I am relatively healthy though overweight by 70 pounds, drink a glass of wine 5 days a week maybe (that is it--he drinks 9-12 beers a day --every day--- though he has cut down to 9 since the 13th for which I am happy for though I'd rather he quit altogether---But good thing to find out where you would stand in a divorce and what you would need to do in terms of custody if push came to shove.

Think it through sm [2008-10-24]
This profession can be very depressing, you can feel so isolated, sit too long which makes you gain weight, have health problems, etc. It is demanding, overhelming, andnot to mention these days, very demeaning and a lot more negative stuff. We are greatly misunderstood. No one knows but us what we put up with. You have to get yourself feeling better about you before you make any decisions. This economy has everyone down because it looks so bleak. In divorce everyone loses, you, the husband, the kids. Self-esteem is very important. I donschools in your area which teach massage, hair dressing,dental hygiene, etc., these people will see you as a client at almost no cost to you. You could get a massage, a new haircut, or have your teeth cleaned for zilch.I found when I got down, I would get myself a manicure at Wal-Mart for $12.00 and if I couldnSupercuts for a quick cut and go home and set my hair myself. (Regis Salons - Google them) owns many of these places, the fancy ones in the mall, along with the walk-in el-cheapo franchises). Do all you can to uplift yourself which is hard with the hours and demands you have to put up with donWhen you have had a personal and spiritual (just say a prayer is all) makeover, your self-esteem will start to return and then you can probably have a talk with the hub about how lonely and rejected you feel and how you feel you are being ignored and lonely. Dondepressed because my husband throws a fit when I use that word. Many times I felt like you as my husband worked over 12 hour days, ate, went to bed, etc., and everything was left to me to handle. I almost felt as if he were avoiding being home. However, we have stuck together, my kids did well (I think because they were not from a broken home) and to tell the truth, Iflame you and if it doesnComes the Dawn and I try to live by it, Google it and print it out. My very, very best to you. Perhaps the prayer board can help. I do not claim to be religious, but I do believe in miracles!!.You are worth it, feel better about yourself, we love you and if no one else has told you that today, we will!! We are the brain behind the machine, not the machine.

You mean there's a "fake gay"? hehe [2008-10-16]
the person you described is BISEXUAL. That's even more common than homosexuality. In her case, it probably had less to do with gender, and more to do with the personalities and emotional bonds with each person she was involved with. There's no guarantee, if she and her husband were to separate or divorce somewhere down the road, or if he were to die, that her next compatible partner wouldn't again be female. OR male. Could go either way.

Help! I live next to parents and they ...sm [2008-10-15]
are driving me mad, well my dad is anyways. I have always lived on my parents land next door to them. I live in a mobile home. Well my mom and dad divorced this year because my dad was cheating. He was calling another woman up to 10 times a day, going to her house, has give her everything he has. He owned cattle and sold them and got $32,000 for them. Well the money disappeared and he was broke before long. This woman he is cheating with is on disability and lives in a house and has a SUV. Her daughter has a car and son a truck and none of them work. Mama has looked on his bank statements and seen where he is making their payments. Well of course mom put him out. Like to never got him out. He got a mobile home and parked it on the land. She got 3 acres and the house in divorce. He has the remaining 7 acres. Well he puts his mobile home on his part and refuses to hook it up. He is staying in this trailer with no power, no sewage, nothing. There is only a bed. He has had the money to hook it up right. My mother has offered him part of the furniture and a TV. He doesn He refuses to live like a normal human being. Then he comes to my moms house every day when she gets off of work and wants to come in and take a shower. She is like no we aren You have a trailer and you go hook it up and take a shower over there. Well it has water to it he just doesn Well that is his own problem. He chooses not to have it hooked up because I guess he wants an excuse to come over to moms. Well she tells him no. Then he comes to my house and sits and sits. He comes over because he has no furniture and no TV or nothing. He comes and rumages through my cabinets and bums food. If me and my mom are at my house and decide to cook something he invites himself over there and helps himself. I have never seen anyone who was so annoying. I can He refuses to get a washer or dryer which without electricity it wouldn So he comes to my house and says can I wash my laundry? Well gues what? I end up doing it cause he doesn Then he leaves it there and expects me to finish it. I can not hardly do my work because he comes over and says are you busy? I just wanted to talk. I won Then he just sits there. I am at my wits end. I just want to move. He came over and said can I borrow a duffle bag? I said ok. I give it to him. He says I am gonna go buy one and I will bring it back. I never have got it back. Then he comes over and says can I borrow an ice chest. I let him borrow it and never get it back. He bums off of everyone here but this other woman and her children he gives whatever they want. He has taken money from me and my sister. He has borrowed money against my sisters extra vehicle she had paid for. He asked and she let him. he didn THis is his own daughter he did this to now. My husband had a pickup in my dads name because his credit wasn Big mistake. When the truck was almost paid formy dadborrowed money against the truck behind our backs. THen the truck is stolen and insurance has to pay it off. Well it was worth more than what was owing so we got the differnece. Well he had borrowed $1600 against it and said he didn So it came out of our insurance money from the truck. Finally when we knew he had some money we had to bug him and bug him for the money and he said $1000 is all he owed. He borrowed $1600 and paid one note on it before the truck was stolen. So we were out about $500. He takes from his children. I am at wits end. I want to get far far away from him. My sister lives an hour an a half away and she seems pretty lucky right now. What the heck to do?

I posted back in late August about cc debt - sm [2008-10-14]
in response to someone else giving advice on what to do. I told you about how I had a ton of debt my DH knew nothing about, how I was afraid of him, etc. and that I just did not know how to tell him.I consulted a lawyer and got some insight and advise in case things went really bad whenIdid tell him.Well I finally bit the bullet and told him on Monday. He was off from work, kids were in school, I wrote a 4 page letter laying it all out. I went out in the LR and I asked him if he loved me and was happy in our marriage, I got yes Then I handed him the note (bawling at this point) and said I was going out for a little while and we would talk when I came back. He called me 10 minutes later, upset yes, but not nuts as I expected. We ended up talking for 2 hours. He was quite good about it which really surprised me, he was in shock though. Later last night after he got drunk not horribly so but enough, though he did not turn nasty. I hadasked him not to drink but he ignored that, so as a result he broke down said a few things which I probably deserved, though he does not believe I was scared of him....denied ever threatening to kill me, said if he did he was kidding and it was his sick sense of humor. I told him I take all death threats seriously. But comes down to he does not want to divorce over it, for which I am happy and grateful, and I think this will ultimately help us. We are taking a 401K loan for the debt on his cards, and I will go to a credit consolidator for the debt on my cards......any recommendations on that front? My credit is in the dump so this is not going to make it much worse. In five years we will be free and clear, paid off debt and house at that point. I have a huge breach of trust to heal and don So he learned whata conniving wife he has and I learned that I had what I wanted all along, just didn We still have a lot to work out, and I am in for 5 or more years of snide backbiting remarks at times I am sure, but I think there is hope for us actually.

Been there done that. [2008-10-12]
Sorry to hear of your divorce. I have been there and still hold some feelings for the life I left. I think you always do. Although I am not sure why your marriage ended I just wanted to let you know that you will get over the pain you feel. I am sure in the future you will be able to look back and smile at the good times and learn from them. A good cry never hurt anyone. Heck, I think I have a good 4 or more. Until your heart heals may those who love you most be gentle with it and you. Someone who has been there.

really sad... [2008-10-11]
I think it is awful that your church would be so judgmental, but I know of others this has happened to when their marriage is troubled. I do not understand why outsiders feel it is their business to judge someone else Only the couple knows the truth, and it is up to them to decide what is best for them. It is even harder if there are children. My husband and I do not have any, which is another source of unhappiness in our marriage. My husband is Nigerian and it is very troubling in their culture when a woman cannot bear children. It is so hard and I feel your pain because I love my husband There is a chance we may reconcile, but it is still hard being apart and not agreeing on how to live together and be happy. I wish you the very best with your new independence. It can be a blessing to be on your own!

Thoughts [2008-10-10]
Ithe one and marriage being FOREVER if it is the right person. My parents never had any problems and if he was still alive, they would still be married. No, I don't want to see my mother lonely but she could have friends without being married and giving me a stepfather replacement. I'm not saying I would be rude to this new person, but I would keep my distance and make it known that I don't agree with the marriage. Just trying to provide a different point of view. I'm sorry you are going through this...like I said I would never be rude because its not the stepparents fault but I can understand where the difficult feelings would come in for a child with a deceased parent...even an adult.

My son had this problem (sm) [2008-10-10]
He married a woman with a daughter. This daughter did everything she could to break up the marriage.Her mother let the kid walk all over them and generally, when son tried so hard to be the father she never had, but if he tried to discipline her, she would always say, You Her mother always stood up for her as if the kid never did anything wrong, and always telling him, Go easy. She never had a father. What the heck did my son try to do? Just be a money pit for her and his wife???? Yep, that's all he was. She destroyed 5 cars in 1 year through accidents and when he wouldn't allow her to drive any more cars, it was the final blow. After hanging on for 10 years, this year was the final breakup over her. They are now getting a divorce. The kid is now 19 and now, every time she fights with her mother, she comes running to him.I call her very ungrateful and a few words I can't list here. I told him to stay away from her before mom and daughter start accusing him of something. And to answer your question, you have the right to feel the way you do, but don't let it go on much longer or else you'll lose control of the whole situation. Have a sit-down with him and if he doesn't see your point of view, try counseling. There's no way a father should be sleeping with a 9-year-old and there's no way a 9-year-old should have the PARENT under her control. That's a recipe for disaster. His excuse does not hold water. Good luck.

Thanks, you guys. [2008-10-10]
I appreciate all of your support, everyone. Do you sometimes feel like you I do. My own church kicked me off the music team because divorce is a sin, and God hates divorce. That has been harder on me than the divorce itself is. The ex still attends that church, and everybody feels so sorry for him because mean ol They don It Another thing, how do you cope with the fact that your long time friends (who are all still married) suddenly act like you have the plague? Maybe I I