Behavior changes in husband

My husband and I both smoke! [2008-12-03]
This January we have decided will be it. It is no longer socially acceptable. My excuse has always been that I am afraid to gain a lot of weight. My brother quit after 15 years (early 30s) and he used Chantix. He was a 3-pack a day smoker. Let me tell you, he is so much better. No coughing. After 6 years of trying to have a baby and failing in vitro; they have just had a baby this November. They both smoked/him worse. They are now both nonsmokers for over a year, have gained weight, but have such a blessing. He swears it was the smoking that caused the infertility. This pregnancy was the natural way and she We are all elated. I am especially proud of him and feel like such a wimp to continue to smoke knowing it is killing me. It makes me feel inferior to others. Thank God my brother is an encouraging soul and not one of those horrible ex-smokers who just won't let up or are worse than just plain nonsmokers. To the OP: These poster above is absolutely correct. My brother will vouge that everything in life is better now that he is a nonsmoker (i He says the Chantix worked and he is by no means a pill-taker at all. To the OP again: If you You are worth it! You can still smoke the first week on Chantix, but then the cravings will disappear. Believe me, I also enjoy the cigarette especially after eating but smoke a lot more when I I I hate the habit, but I love the cigarettes. See what I mean? It Whaddya say? E-mail me! To the Poster Above: Thank you for your kind comments as you've also just made me decide that quitting is the best and only option at this point. I had an aunt that died of ovarian cancer and never smoked or drank a day in her life. She was thin, always health conscious. Not all cancers including lung come from smoking. Keep that in mind as you strive to quit.

We went to my husband's aunt's house once... [2008-12-03]
and they were having a get together because his uncle was dying of lung cancer. In rolls his three sisters and brother, all with their oxygen tanks and cannulas that they would have to take off to have their cigarettes. I found it fairly ironic and that is when I decided to quit smoking. Not the cancer, not the emphysema, but the ridiculousness of seeing people who can't breath because of smoking taking off what helps them to breath so that they can smoke. At any rate, I am not sure that I really have a point, just something that is interesting to me.

I suspect that once I mention this to my husband [2008-12-02]
that he will side with his sisters and not give a darn that my son is graduating. I even expect he will have an ugly comment to make about it also.

You know sometimes my husband doesn't want to go to my family things either... [2008-11-26]
and I have learned that if he doesn't want to go, don't be mad, just go without him...It is better to go alone then have to sit there with him while he is moping about being there. I understand your frustration and maybe your husband knows something will set him off and start a fight and he doesn't want to do that to you. Maybe he is really thinking of your feelings.

I would love to, but my husband is in Iraq :( [2008-11-25]
no message.

Maybe your husband........... sm [2008-11-25]
would agree to a temporary arrangement with new kitty staying on your enclosed back porch until you could find him a good home? I know I did that once. I brought home a poor kitten in the dead of a snowy winter until a good home could be found. He is still here with us 10 years later.

What do you do when your husband...sm [2008-11-25]
wont My parents got a divorce this year. My mom told my dad he could come and visit and eat and see us kids. Well my husband has said if he is going to come then I won I really want to spend thanksgiving with my husband but I can She has helped me too much. She does so much for me. More than anyone. So I am going. He said he don He also doesn So he won If my mother and us kids can tolerate my dad why can

Sure, but does it have to be with my husband? [2008-11-24]
LOL. Sorry. I couldn't resist.

we're s'posed to believe this new guy is her husband? [2008-11-21]
i set the DVR, won is the season ending, getting all these new players? i hope they make it believable...

I watched that one with my husband [2008-11-21]
We couldn't stop laughing the whole show!! Now THAT's entertainment!

My husband is oblivious to our finances [2008-11-20]
Sometimes that It sounds like maybe your husband is too proud to tell his family that he can I I would suggest talking to the leader of his family, the person who hosts the get-togethers, and let them know that you do the finances and you just don It doesn I would certainly let your husband know that you are going to say something beforehand, but he doesn I For birthdays, we take the time to call and wish that person a happy birthday. We don My brother lives about 2 hours away, so we don Unless his family is loaded, I'm sure they'll understand. As for the glasses, I just took my son for new glasses yesterday. The eye doctor said he needs a new prescription, but I asked if just the lenses could be replaced and the frames reused. He said absolutely. Our insurance covers new frames, lenses and the exam, but my son has a tendency to break things at the most inopportune time. We just bought him these glasses in June because he broke them and according to the insurance, it wasn Now that he is eligible for everything new, we asked for just the lenses. If he breaks his frames later in the year, we can just get new frames (covered by insurance) and pop the lenses in. The only problem there would be is they discontinue his frames because the new lenses probably wouldn So, something to consider here is, if your stepchild needs a new prescription and already has glasses, then I would check with your lawyer to see if you can just buy new lenses for the current frames. The frames are what normally cost the most anyway.

My husband can't say no to people either...sm [2008-11-20]
Unless he gets mad about something. We don't really work it out. I am usually just stuck as you say being the bad guy or give in. Find comfort in the fact that you aren't the only one who struggles with bills. I bought my son a Playstation 3 for X-mas this year for $400 but the only way I was able to do that was to put back money all year and hide it. It seems just typical man, most anyway, that you tell them and tell them but they don't pay you any mind or they don't want to hear it. Just sit him down and talk and tell him it isnno. Throw in some tears, which shouldn't be hard to do, for more effect. Maybe he will feel bad.

In Montana and just me and husband spend $400 a month..nm [2008-11-18]
nm

I agree with your husband. [2008-11-16]
Women don't do that to each other. The ones that do aren't worth knowing.

I agree with your new husband (sm) [2008-11-16]
When she lied to you in the beginning, that said it all. Especially to go so far as to not be able to believe you would accuse her of something like that. I would have to cut my losses and count myself as having one less friend. She stopped being your friend the day she chose to secretly see your husband.

Why when I am watching the kids is it a given and when my husband watches them he is (sm) [2008-11-03]
babysitting?

My husband had a kidney stone [2008-11-03]
and as the doctor was explaining to me what they found and where it was and what they would do I made a comment that I understand completely and then asked a question. I donoh, do you have medical experience? and I told him that I was an MT who transcribes acute care. The doctor then laughed and said that by the looks of his reports that come back that he didn't think MTs had any medical experience and were just typing. Yes, irritated me as well. I dont' know why people think we don't understand what we transcribe. Understanding is a huge part of the job.

Um..it was my ex-husband's story, not mine. I just retold it. [2008-11-02]
x

Hmm, sounds like my ex-husband. [2008-10-21]
NN

My husband work midnights until recently. [2008-10-21]
He would get home at 8 a.m. By then, I had been up and working for a few hours and was ready for a small break. We would talk while I ate breakfast. He would go to bed and I would continue with work. By the time, he got up around 4 or 5 p.m., I would be done working. We were able to spend time with the kids together and have dinner together before he went to work again. He has been on night shift at different times during our marriage, the last time for 4 years. We've never had any problems as far as my working. I just adjust my work time accordingly. If your husband is sleeping days and your kids are in school, what type of problem are you having getting work done?

When my husband started nights [2008-10-21]
It was his decision to switch to nights and I told him if he did he had to go to bed when he got home and be up when the kids got home from school. Some nights he might take a short nap before he leaves (by short I mean an hour) but that was the compromise we made.

Midnight shift husband for 18 years now......sm [2008-10-21]
It will get better....eventually. It took about 8 years for my hubby to realize I can't work midnights like him because we have two kids to raise. Believe me, it is very difficult at times, but it does get better. It might help if you have a calendar in full view for him to look at, so he knows what type of schedule you are on regarding work, kids activities, etc. Once he sees it in writing and realizes all the pressure that is on you, he may begin to understand. Believe me, night shift is not easy for the marriage. It takes great patience and understanding of both parties for it to succeed! I sleep with my golden retriever at night now!

First, kudos to your husband...sm [2008-10-20]
He wants to be there for you. Definitely tell him you would prefer he not go, but perhaps he could treat you to dinner out sometime afterwards. BTW, you are not abnormal--unless I am, too. I prefer going for exams/tests on my own. In fact, most of the time I do not tell people about them until after the fact. Hope everything turns out well for you.

Well, they are fun....my husband made a bunch of them (sm) [2008-10-14]
out of PVC pipes for my son's boy scout troop...they loved them. But then they were told by a ranger that they couldn't do it because of the mess they left behind. We had thought that out in the woods the animals and bugs could eat them but they didn't like the idea because it might attract wildlife near the camp sites. I think I would just ask the parents before getting them. They are a lot of fun though, and if they have a natural area where they can use them I don't see an issue.

My husband says it is because of fuel prices...sm [2008-10-13]
The stores have to pay so much to have the food delivered because it costs the trucks so much in fuel. My husband drives an 18 wheeler and you would not believe what it costs to deliver those loads. He doesn't haul food. But the fuel price for what he hauls is insane. It cost about $6000 just in fuel to haul some chemicals in a tanker to Montana from Mississippi. That is not counting what the owner of the truck has to pay the driver for taking the load up there. So you can kind of get an idea now why the food is going up like it is.

If he doesn't want an iPod, why are you getting it? [2008-12-04]
Is it your idea that he'd like one? A few years ago when iPods had just come out, my husband bought me one for my birthday. I didn't want one, and I he knew nothing about them. It sat in it's box for about a month, and then I finally used it. Well, that was it. I became addicted! I now think that the iPod is the greatest invention known to mankind. Heck, as far as I'm concerned, NASA could have saved the trouble of going to the moon, because the iPod is better. LOL! I'm just joking, but I really love my iPod. I eventually got a video iPod and I also have a shuffle. I like them both. I really enjoy podcasts, which are like radio shows produced on just about every subject you can imagine. I have enjoyed learning about new things and even taking Italian lessons on my iPod. I also download audio books along with music and travel videos. I like my shuffle because it has no moving parts. I take it on hikes and runs and use it when I work out. They are now about $50. They're very simple. You simply load the audio and the machine plays it for you. You can't select songs or see any info. The video iPod has way more features, and you can even watch full-length movies on it. I've also loaded photos and can carry those with me. Of course, it has all the audio features of music. My son has an iPod touch which he seems to like. He's an engineer, and he likes gadgets. LOL. The nano is still available, and they are a nice step in between the video iPOD/touch and the shuffle.

fighting family too [2008-12-04]
I come from one of those families too...holiday wasn I kept waiting for something to happen but nothing did, they are close, they love one another and enjoy being together. Needless to say we stopped going to family functions on my side and my own children do not know what its like to have one of those holidays and hopefully never will.

lol sounds like my MIL [2008-12-04]
My MIL was pissy this year too. Apparently because I got off of work (due to no jobs) and we arrived an hour early to spend extra time with them. She was mad at me. I thought it was a good thing!? We have always gotten along as well but I have come to realize I just tolerate her and move on. Itstuck in the kitchen and feels left out. Of course she says this to her children. I always offer and more than once but I have come to realize if I just step in and do it won't be right regardless. She doesn't talk to any of her own kids that way even though I know for a fact my husband does things very different from the way she does. Somehow she doesn't notice with him but alarms go off when it's me. She also hates to allow me to make anything to bring for dinner. I am martha-stewart-ish and she is the pull a pie out of the box type of person so I think it intimidates her or something. It's just the way I am and I enjoy doing things from scratch and old fashioned, plus I like to know what I am feeding my kids. I usually ask but just bring stuff along because I know it is the right thing to do and forget about the rest. She talks nice to the other DIL in her presence but the moment she turns her back she bad-mouths her. A few people recently have told me she does the same to me (Imom any more. I feel for her but dang, I will be glad to relinquish the dinner reins to my DIL or SIL so I can just sit around and play with grandkids some day!

We just bought a new mattress - sm [2008-12-04]
It's a Sealy. Can't recall exactly which one but lower end on the price bracket. I think it was about 1000.00 for the mattress and box springs. We had one of those air beds for a long time and I will never ever recommend one of those. My husband also has back problems and needed a comfy mattress so he wanted that number bed thing. It was horrible. I would wake up with lower back pain that would stick with me half the day. His pain was worse too. Not to mention the fact that his side of the bed sprung a leak so after about the first year or so, there was no adjusting it to a comfort zone. Had to pump it all the way up and by morning, it was completely flat and he was laying in a hole inside the foam frame. It was cheaply made, uncomfortable, and a HUGE rip off. Go for a Sealy, it's worth it. I'm loving it.

No fights but [2008-12-04]
my husband's family (mainly MIL) sure does know how to strike a nerve and I can see how one could easily break out. More or less everyone makes an effort to keep their distance from her. Dinner is one thing, spending the entire weekend together is another. The kids split off to visit each other at their own homes with their kids and leave the parent's out. My family is all about family over the holidays so no fights. I think it's understood by everyone that if you don't like it, you don't have to participate but it's one of the few times a year that everyone can get together and put their past feelings aside and get along. We were taught that from a young age.

Backaches and mattresses - sm [2008-12-04]
My husband wakes up with a backache every morning. He does have some back issues but our mattress could be contributing to his problem. Too many choices re mattesses, so would like to know if anyone has an opinion as to what type to try. Thank you.

You're not a hopeless case! sm [2008-12-04]
Each day is a new beginning. Donvictor not you can get some help there. You are the victim. You are worth the effort. Some pills do cause nightmares, try Benadryl at night. I thus the need to relax, I understand, please don't give up. If you don't have a PCP, try a walk-in clinic or the pharmacist, you never know, they may have some good advice. Think of the $$$ you will save, use it to pamper yourself and your self-image will improve. You can do it, baby steps at a time. Remember, every day is a new start.

Absolutely agree [2008-12-03]
I say screw everyone else including your husband if he decides the wedding is more important than the graduation. Personally I would leave it in my husband's hands to respond appropriately. As my husband likes to tell people, it's easier for him NOT to tick off his wife. lol and if they continue to act this way toward you, I would NOT send them a gift or even try to make it to the wedding/reception/or anything else.

My mom smoked for 63 years. She [2008-12-03]
always had healthy lungs. After she broke her hip the first time, the doctors kept telling me to get her off the cigarettes. She would not quit, but I finally got her to quit 2 years later by telling herI quit, because she also started falling asleep with lit ciggies and burning things. Three months later, she was in for another broken hip. After the films came back from her chest x-ray, the ER physician pointed out a nodule in her lung...not sure if it was the start of lung cancer and wanted to keep close watch. I hate to say this, but thank heavens she never came home. I would have felt very guilty for making her stop and she might have gotten lung cancer through not smoking. My husband's mother died from lung and back cancer. She had smoked all her life and quit. A year later, she was gone. Makes you think and wonder about it.

be thankful to have him around at Christmas time... [2008-12-03]
and try to overlook some of these things that bother you. My husband is in Iraq and I would give just about anything to have all of his annoying habits around for Christmas. Just a different perspective, but sometimes these things aren't as bad as we think. It is a little endearing that he is so excited at Christmas. Like a kid almost. :)

loss [2008-12-03]
My sister-in-law died at 52 of lung cancer with brain mets. She had neck pain for five years before and thought it was from a car accident, but it was the tumor. Christmas was her favorite holiday. My husband quit smoking on her birthday for motivation.

Understand completely (see message) [2008-12-03]
This time of year is sad, canHospice or nursing home,you can Anything is minute compared to this disease, cutting off your fingers would be easier! Never smoked but transcribed a university study on it, some buried their butts, froze them, couldn't quit. So I am on a mission, I guess! There has to be a better way, I do have compassion but passion to help others see the reality of what it does to you.

Wicked stepmother?? [2008-12-02]
You just did this girl a huge favor by making her take responsibility for herself. I am not much older than she is, but I have been taking responsibility for decades...what is wrong with her, other than she seems totally incapable of managing her own life, can't make a decent adult choice to save her fanny and she has someone to constantly bale her out? I am GLAD you cut her off! I am proud of you for doing it too, it took guts. By helping her at every turn you simply encourage and enable her behavior. BRAVO!

I have cleaned my house and now I have adjustment disorder sm [2008-12-02]
I have been working on my bathroom remodel since Memorial Day. It should have taken 4 weekends and I only just finished on Thanksgiving Day. I did 95% of myself, including cutting holes for and installing, 2 sinks in the vanity. I am pleased, it is gorgeous, but that is another story. Okay, I put my bedroom back together after 6 months of being a disheveled PIT. I am cleaning the house because my daughter will be home in a couple of weeks to get married at the JP in a nearby town. I still have to make her a dress too...but I wanted the house clean for she and her fiance/husband. It is coming along very well. My problem? I can't manage a house where I am not stepping over crap on the floor, shifting stuff around so I can get to my clothes or go to bed. This is all new to me, clean floor space and no dust, a place for everything and everything in its place...I can't cope. It is clean AND tidy, the antique linens are pressed and starched, on the surfaces. IT is lovely!!!! I am depressed now. I don't adjust well to change.

Don't cushion her fall sm [2008-12-02]
You did not cut her off per se, you stopped enabling her to take advantage of you. You are not a bank, a restaurant or a hotel. She will never learn and will get into deeper trouble later on. You should still love her but not the behavior. I have had to do this with siblings and at first was sick over it, but have stopped enabling. Iused anymore. They will keep asking until the well runs dry and the first time you say no, youI love you, but Take care of yourself.

lol upgraded from the closet [2008-12-02]
I have thought of moving INTO the closet. My husband wanted to put me in the basement but it is not finished yet. I said no way! It's cold and creepy down there. I dont' like to be by myself either. I work better with background noise.

I would give them what you can afford [2008-12-02]
and if they don't like it, it's their problem. It's the thought that counts. A teenager should enjoy a gift certificate to the movies or to his/her favorite clothing store. As for the adults, my husband and I have been giving our parents gift cards to their local grocery store. Everyone needs to eat. I'm glad we don't run into these problems with our families. Everyone is happy to get something no matter how inexpensive. Try not to stress too much about it.

The year is going downhill... [2008-12-02]
My husband has4 sisters and of course they are all married, have kids of their own, some grandkids, etc. Graduation has always been a big deal and we usually have one each year or every other yearand afterwards a big family get together, etc. This year one of the nephews has decided he wants to get married in May but hasn I just sent an email out to everyone to save the date because my oldest son (from a previous marriage) is graduating this coming May. The mom of the nephew just sent me an email back and said that graduation better not interfere with the wedding. Since the wedding is not set, why not put it on a date that won On my side of the family it It's definitely turning into a bah humbug time of year. {sigh}

This happened to a friend of mine from high school........sm [2008-12-01]
He had mono after we graduated from high school and was off work for about 5 weeks. He went back to work too early and, while driving home from work one day, his spleen just burst and he crashed into an oncoming log truck, killing him instantly. It was really a double tragedy because the first people on the scene to find him were his mom and dad, who had a bad heart anyway. His dad suffered a major MI on the spot and had to be taken to the ER. His poor mom lost her son that day and almost lost her husband.

I have something in my past [2008-12-01]
That I haven't told my husband and I don't plan on it. No one but me and one other person knows about it and the other person is long gone. It was something medical, and no it wasn't an unwanted pregnancy or anything like that. There's no need for him to know since I didn't know my husband back then and it doesn't have any bearing on anything in our relationship now.

Same problem here. [2008-11-30]
My husband works with loud machines and we both have noticed his hearing is going. I actually thinks he likes it because when I ask him to do something and it doesnI didn. Very frustrating for me. My husband also expects big presents for Christmas, birthday, etc, wrapped up all nice and pretty. Last year, he received a big gift and I received nothing from him. He says I'm hard to buy for so he won't do it. Or else on Christmas Eve, he will say he's going shopping what should he get me. He always takes the fun out of any gift-giving occasion. This year, I told him we are not exchanging and that means BOTH of us will do without. We'll see how he likes it.

Hubby with hearing and greedy problems [2008-11-30]
Dear NOT Silly Girl, I am a clinical psychologist and now teach medical transcription. I lost my deaf old sweetie 2 years ago. He was incredibly vain about wearing aids and/or his glasses. FINALLY got him to an audiologist in Canada (half the price than here in US) but getting him to wear the aids was another matter. Solved it by training just like dog or horse. Yep! Intermittent positive reinforcement - rewards, treats, smooches, etc. I told him I would only go out to dinner or shopping with him if he wore the hearing aids. Refused to go out of house with him unless he had them on -- and he loved going out! It worked, except then I still had to repeat everything 3 times inside! Many, many frank discussions also helped. Turned out he was incredibly vain and thought he looked old with hearing aids. I finally convinced him that shouting at people REALLY made him look old. He got contacts instead of glasses. As to self-centeredness, that has to be educated out of him, too. All this takes time. Just talk to him about values whenever he acts that way, and when he stops the selfishness, reward him. That is not acceptable behavior in an adult -- and I would tell him so directly. Good luck. Rosie By the way, I would take

Silly Girl shouldn't have to treat her [2008-11-30]
husband like a dog or a child. After all, she is his wife, not his mother. If she wants a pet, she can go to the animal shelter and get a dog. She married a man and he needs to act like one. It sounds like she gives and gives, and he takes. I think Silly Girl should start taking care of herself for a change.

Likening a spouse to a dog or horse... [2008-11-30]
imagine if a male doc suggested treating a wife like that; the outrage would be heard round the world. Maybe acting like adults and having a conversation like a married couple would help. How demeaning to treat a husband that way. Where do you women find these men that you have to train? Gesh, I always thought my DH was fabulous...now I am CERTAIN he is!

men [2008-11-30]
Me and my husband used to smoke...a lot, each over two packs a day. I got sick and quit, but I did not ask him to quit. He would blow smoke in my face and really kept hoping I would start up again, but I never did. He was really angry with me for quitting. Then his ego could not take it anymore and he quit. He figured if I could do it, how hard could it be? Believe me, he was humbled. Anyone who quits smoking is humbled. Cigarettes are tough to beat. He was really mean to me when he was quitting smoking too like it was my punishment. My point is that no one ever tells you that sometimes you have to stand up to the ones you love, maybe your kids or your husband, whoever. Sometimes people we love take us forgranted or bully us. Maybe we think that if they loved us they would not put us through that stuff. I think the truth is we are just supposed to stand up for ourselves period, even at home. Good Luck!