Not my personal situation but I think

I think about it a lot but different situation (sm) [2008-11-20]
My two children are almost the exact ages of yours. My husband doesn't have the drinking issue but has plenty of personality issues. I think you absolutely should leave, no ifs, ands or buts. I just think being in that environment is awful for your kids, he is saying it is not going to work anyway and talking about ending the marriage. I say if he doesn't change then yes, go, without a doubt.

sounds like you will have to be the adult in this situation as the ex is not --- [2008-11-17]
and follow the mother she is being the adult in the situation as you are, so don't lose it. food for thought: she was hurting at the funeral. sometimes people put all their hurts in one pocket and never deal with it, never heal. gram died, the pocket opened and out it all came. you may be only one situation she put away for a rainy day.

What a weird situation...sm [2008-11-16]
There is nothing wrong with you or your husband being friends with the mom. I think it was totally acceptable for you and your husband to go to the funeral because your husband knew this woman. Why wouldn't he go? It would be childish and immature to not go. Also I think the relationship between the mother and you and your husband is not the brothers or the ex's business. The mother is free to be friends with whoever she wishes, and it is none of their business. It seems to me they need to get over it. I would continue being her friend and tell them to get a life.

Maybe this has absolutely no bearing on this situation [2008-10-25]
but my family owns several grocery stores and he chooses not to sell alcohol. I know that you have to have a license to sell beer, another for wine, and another for hard liquor. This really has nothing to do with religion. Honestly if the licenses werenowns a business should be able to choose what they want to sell and what they don't want to sell. JMO!

Good luck to you too - sorry you are in the same type of situation sm [2008-10-24]
email me if you want. Maybe we can come up with some ideas encourage each other to get more motivated

No, nothing personal. They can ask for female or male. [2008-10-22]
x

See, the problem is, you're taking YOUR personal [2008-10-16]
adhere to it, or else they are morally 'WRONG'. This teacher isn't forcing anyone to attend her marriage. Whoever wants to stay home, can. It's just no big deal. How you think as an individual IS your right in the US, whether you believe it is God-given or not. But the deal is, that right may also be Buddha-given, or Allah-given, etc. I find it really strange that people feel there is a different 'lifestyle' associated with homosexuality. Except for a brief period of time spent in the bedroom (which is really NOBODY's business but theirs - not even God's), for most gays, every other aspect of life is exactly the same. They still set their alarms, get up in the morning, go to work, and contribute to society. Actually, a large number of them contribute far MORE to society than your average 'Joe Sixpack' or 'Joe the Plumber'. Among my own gay friends, there are: - An astrophysicist - A doctor - A lawyer - A teacher - A scientist - On individual who graduated from both Harvard AND Yale When it comes to contributing to the outward appearances of the city, the gay community has moved into some areas (like the Castro) which used to be seedy, dangerous neighborhoods, remodelled, repainted, rebuilt, opened restaurants and boutiques, and turned it into one of the city's best neighborhoods with a strong tax base. There are homes in my own neighborhood owned by gays that they put their effort and money into, and now those homes shine, increasing property values all around them. I've been on this earth far more years than I care to admit, and I have to say - I have yet to meet a single homosexual person, male or female, that I didn't like, and who didn't make a significant contribution in life. That can't be said for many of the heterosexuals I've known. And finally, let me tell ya - the best 'girlfriend' you could ask for is a gay guy. My friends keep me laughing nonstop, and brighten my life. Condemning a person's entire existence because of a mere 20-minute difference in bedroom behavior is wrong. If that's what 'God teaches', then I'm glad that's not MY God. My God is tolerant of all those that he created.

My dad was in that situation.... [2008-10-01]
Lung cancer, medication was3000 a month; trials indicated it worked. He was on it for 6 months, out a lot of money and then guess what, AstraZeneca admitted they manipulated the outcome of the study, the stuff really didn't work at all. He died a few months later (this was 3 years ago). He would have probably lived the same length of time if he hadn't have spent the money. The docs and drug companies are out for themselves, IMHO.

This may be to personal for some of you but... [2008-09-25]
How is the economy crisis effecting you? Your budget, your retirement, your family, your FRIENDS families. How is it effecting the circle you run with? Do you discuss this with family or friends? It is effecting my family. The gas thing alone is cutting our budget! My youngest started college and is driving back and forth. I've called my aunt who lives close to the school and asked if he could stay with her a few nights a week to save gas money. The drive for him one way is 1 hour. It has already saved us $$$. The fact that he can't find a job isn't helping either. There are no jobs for young people. Even in fast food! Food prices have effected what we eat! Have you priced CHEESE lately? A 2 cup packages of shredded cheese cost more than a gallon of milk! Food has gotten outrageous. We have our primary home and we have a small cabin that we go to on weekends. Our primary home is paid for and has been but we do have a mortgage on our cabin. LUCKILY and by the grace of God, we are in a fixed rate situation but it's still difficult. Did we spread ourselves to thin? Sometimes it is tough but we budget and try to be careful with what we spend. Our payment is nowhere near the $1500 per month mortgages people are talking about - and at that price point with an adjustable RATE - I don't know how people are living. Also lucky that we do not have credit card debt. I've read where the CC companys are raising limits to increase spending while increasing the payment interest as well? I see more and more credit cards being used at the grocery store. It's all just very scarey for me. We have some friends who are building their dream home. They have worked and saved for 15 years. The economy is blessing them in some ways since there are a lot of people looking for work but hurt them in others as the price of materials skyrockets!

Thanks for being judge and jury on my situation, since you know it so well... [2008-09-17]
a few facts for you: She hardly led a horrible life, she was adoptedby afairly wealthy family and had a great life (this is straight from her, I'm not speculating), she has siblings that she loves very much. For someone such as yourself to judge me as heartless is going a bit too far. She was the one who found me, contacted me one day out of the blue after finding EVERYTHING about me on the internet, even knew when and where I went on vacation to see my family, knew when my father passed away, etc. It was my decision to give her up for adoption and it should be my decision on when and where we meet. She wants info on her birth father, which I have a bit of, but it isn't my place to disrupt his life by giving her this info. I have no problem in having a relationship with her, but things like this need to start slowly, not just jump into the fire and hope not to get burned. You can speculate and create a back story to your own liking, but until you have been in the situation, you wouldn't know a thing about it.

i have not experience in a situation like this, but sm [2008-09-11]
he as i was growing up, i saw my dad control my mom, he abused her (i didn i wished for years that my parents would divorce. they never did. they he she can i felt so sorry for my mom all those years and i still do. i love both my parents, but sometimes i don i they are in their 50s and he needs to grow up. i guess i and today, i often doubt myself and hope i don i felt like a little slave sometimes. you need to do yourself and the kids a favor and leave. i think you when he you have to stand up for yourself and your kids. you don he he my self esteem is really low. my dad told me as i was growing up i was always too fat. he is much better with me today, but i still worry i many times i think i need to go to a counselor. anyway, please, if you can build up the courage to leave, you need to. if you have any family or friends you can discuss this issue with and get support from them, do it. i have a friend who was in a loveless marriage for about 10 years. they got a divorce. she didn the dad doesn but she is strong and you can be strong too. keep up posted on what happens. also turn to God. he we all go through struggles in life so that we can turn to Him for comfort and to also make us stronger.

From personal experience, do not stay [2008-09-11]
for the kids. They really do pick up on this. My oldest (she was 5 at the time) witnessed a lot of fights and other things that really upset her. Also, life is too short to be miserable in any relationship--especially if it has been going on for 3 years. If you have tried counseling and that did not work, then think at least about a separation. My family told me, after the fact, about how down and depressed I was before I left my ex, and the 100% turn around after I left. It does no one any good to stay when you both are miserable.

commercials for personal items. [2008-08-31]
nm

Same situation [2008-08-26]
...except I am a single parent. I have a 10 year old who was arguing with teachers and classmates and fighting almost daily. He also started to be disrespectful at home and when I would send him to his room for punishment, he would kick and throw things around in his room while mumbling under his breath as well as blatently yelling at me. The second episode of kicking and throwing things, I told him to stop or I would call the police. I was downstairs and eventually heard something break. I was very angry at this point. I ran upstairs to his room (wanted him to hear me running) and I forcfully opened his door (was glad to see that he looked startled). Very angrily, I told him that if I heard one more noise from his room, I would call the police. I told him to clean up the mess from the item he broke. He told me he wasn't going to clean up anything. I called the police. The police arrived. After I explained to him the long list of problems I had been having with him, the policeman gave him a speech for about 30 minutes...asking him questions along the way to keep him engaged. He said all of the usual things that any adult outsider would say to your kid. This worked for about 3 weeks...then back to the same. After a terrible morning of him lying about something and being sent to his room for punishment, he started the same throwing, kicking, talking back routine. I politely pulled his suitcase into the hallway. I entered his room and began removing his clothing from his closet and placing them into the suitcase. I told him to go put his dirty clothes in front of the washer so I could wash them. I calmly told him that I was not going to put up with his crap anymore and that I was going to take him to the intake office for foster care. I told him that while he was in foster care I would be inviting his cousins over to enjoy his xbox, model cars, CDs, DVDs, etc. I told him that it was going to be nice having kids around who are respectful and appreciative of my love/affection and other things that I could offer them. He did not say a word. While those clothes were washing, I did not hear a peep out of him. When I put the clothes into the dryer, he said, I don I told him, sorry...I have no choice....told him I was sick of having a house that was always filled with turmoil. Told hi that since he seems to be unable to control himself and cannot disrespect the mother who works so hard to take care of him and tries so hard to love and support him....he has to go. He says...please don't send me to foster care. I told him I would give him one more chance. I told him that his suitcase would remain packed and that he was to get dressed each day out of that suitcase and that whenever clothes were washed he would place them back into the suitcase. This happened in April. He is still getting dressed out of that suitcase. You would not believe the difference this has made. He still lies and when he is caught he is sent to his room, but now there is not kicking or throwing things...there is no talking back. He just lies quietly on his bed reading a book or fiddling with one of his little gadgets. After an hour or so (because he is taking his punishment like a normal person should) I tell him that he can now come out of his room if he is willing to apologize for lying and admit that he lied. Long story short...the packed suitcase has done the trick. He knows that I am serious. He now understands that if he breaks the rules he will be punished. He understands that his behavior while he is being punished has a major impact on the length of his punishment. It is sad that he has to get dressed out of a suitcase, but this has been very effective for us.

can I share a situation with you I will never forget [2008-08-26]
When I was about 8 and my brother 11 he went through a really rough patch of bad behavior. My mother had it up to here one day and told him she called the police. I can remember my brother and I holding each other crying hysterically watching for the police car to pull in the driveway. My mother of course did not call the police, it was just a scare tactic. After counseling at church my brother changed his ways, but to me this was one of the most horrible memories of my childhood. I know you are at your wits end (at least I can imagine, never been through this with my own children) but please keep this in mind. Lots of luck to you.

You're not the only one in this situation. [2008-07-23]
Just stick to your role as a parent. My daughter remembers me telling her when she was young that I was not her friend, I was her mother. She is now 30 and says I was the best mother she could have. You will get through this and it will get worse before it gets better. I went through this with two daughters. And, anyone who says they are not having problems with a teenager is either not telling the truth or does not know or want to know what their child is doing. Think back on the things you tried to get away with. I wasn't a monster but I did try some things. I also did not defy my parents because I knew I would be punished.

Oh for gosh sakes, stop inflating the situation; it's already [2008-07-19]
.

I have no personal experience....sm [2008-06-22]
with esophageal cancer, but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am to hear of this.

I have nothing personal.... [2008-06-14]
against pit bulls in particular. I think all dogs can be dangerous given different circumstances. I don't think it is right to single out a particular breed and just take away an animal from its home without just cause. However, my elderly mother, who suffers from MS, has been plagued by horrible neighbors with many dogs. They do not keep their dogs in their own yard. Not only do they tear out my motherher back yard as their own personal bathroom. Their one dog bit their own daughter and nothing was done. They are always barking at us when we are in my mother I had one come at me and I picked up a shovel that was thankfully near meto protect myself if the dog continued it advance. Their little dog frequently gets under my mother We have called the Humane Society and they will do nothing. I personally think that people should have a right to shoot any dog on their property that shouldn If it weren A 60-some, widowed woman with health problems has no rights to keep destructive, mean dogs off of her property but hey....don Sad when a mut as more rights than my mom. Any irresponsible owner shouldn I will get off of my soap box now. LOL.

Close your eyes and imagine my situation...sm [2008-06-09]
It is 49 degrees, drizzly rain (had 1 cold, dry day out of 6),and we are expecting another week of rain. Mountains are expecting 6-12 inches of SNOW. Radio weather guy called this month Junuary. Now if only there was a way to mix your weather with mine we would have...tornadoes. Never mind. BTW: I used to live in PA so you have my sympathy.

Anyone ever been in this situation? [2008-05-30]
Yesterday, my son went on a field trip with the school to a local amusement park. It was a 1-hour drive. He begged me to take his Nintendo DS. I finally gave in and said only 1 game. I was chaperoning the field trip but was required to drive myself there and could take my son home with me, rather than riding the bus home. When my son realized it was time for the buses to board the kids going back to the school, he said a girl in his class had his DS game (not the unit, just the game). We looked for his class, but they must have already boarded the bus. I told him to make sure he asked her for it first thing the following morning. When he got to school today, he asked the girl for it. She said she gave it to another one of his friends in their class. That boy said he put it in my son Then another girl in the class said she found a DS game this morning under her desk and that she gave it to the girl that borrowed it originally. Of course, that girl said that never happened. Now my son has no game. He just got it about a month ago and paid $35 for it out of his own money. First of all, I have already told my son he will not be taking his DS on the bus anymore, period. I don He Here What do I do about this girl? Do I just let it go? I would really like to call her parents and let her know what she did in the hopes that they will take this opportunity to teach their child about responsibility and courtesy. She asked to borrow my son My son was kind enough to lend it to here. She should have returned it to him directly, not give it to someone to give it someone, etc. I don I I I told my son he needs to take responsibility for his carelessness in not getting the game back when they got off the bus. He knew he would not be getting back on the bus and likely would not see the girl the rest of the day. I should mention these are 4th graders, so they should have had some clue here. Okay, so do I call the parents or just chalk it up to a lesson learned?

Yeah. It's a sad situation when the "Land of the Free" literally means [2008-05-13]
Come here illegally and our tax payers will pay for everything you need.

just a personal opinion... [2008-05-08]
I think this can be a little tricky with kids. Children's imaginations are developing and they are learning so many new things, not to mention they do not always know the meaning of things or understand reasons for the way things may be done. Adults on the other hand, I think their dreams do mean something. I think it is their subconscious talking to them. Things they regress coming to the surface. I know I have had some kooky dreams before and they seem to take place when I am struggling with something. I wouldn't put too much into it with an 8 yr old, I have a child who is 10, sometimes they just have bad dreams at that age. If it is something that happens regularly or your heart tells you your child is struggling with something emotionally, it might be worth looking into therapy.

I have a friend in this exact same situation with [2008-04-16]
her mother. There were 3 of them and they all took turns staying at her house for 2 nights at a time. That way she was happy and no one was doing all the work. They were also lucky in that one of the grandkids could stay during the day with her or, when they couldn't they have a caregiver p.r.n. The only other compromise would be to sit down and talk to his doctor and have him tell your dad that he is no longer able to live by himself and that he needs to be in one of your homes or in an ECF. Maybe coming from his doctor, it would be more effective.

I understand...there are single dads out there in your same situation (sm) [2008-04-14]
I think befriending and maybe at some point dating one of them might make you happy. They would understand that they can't be around when the kids are around and you could just sort of keep that part of your life seperate. I have been considering divorce for a while and I know that is how I would do it. Best wishes - you sound like a very caring mom. You have to take care of yourself too though :-)

Probably self-explanatory... [2008-11-22]
On a personal level, I'm gothic... On a professional level, I'm an MT. People are somehow always taken aback at that combination, but I rather enjoy demolishing the preconceived stereotypes of others, so it's all good. Rock on, my fellow MTs :)

Private counseling [2008-11-21]
Go to a private counselor yourself if he wonANONYMOUS programs attract those who do not get it and go around town blabbing your business, ruining your lives even moreso. Yes, they save lives but they often ruin them with their gossip, even the name gossip hisses, it ruins lives, topples marriages, loses jobs. Be sure before you let these people into your personal, private lives and your homes. Sometimes private, closed-door counseling is the best way to go. Then if you are both comfortable with going public that is your own personal decision. Beware of who you let into your life. If you were going to take a plane ride you would want to know the pilot.

Has our country taken a turn for the ... [2008-11-21]
Our once great country, I afraid, has just turned a corner for the worse. I have watched as the mentality of our country has gone from setting your mind to something, working hard, and you can accomplish it to giving up, sitting back, and letting somebody else take care of them. I was brought up, as many were, with a good work ethic that was instilled in us by our parents. With the idea that if you want something you had to work for it, and by working for something you learned quickly the difference between wants and needs. There were always incentives for a person to strive to better themselves. Whether it were financial incentives, or just the pride you gained in knowing that you did something yourself, it didn�t matter. I wasn�t long ago that people had that �small town� mentality, and everybody knew their neighbors. And those neighbors helped each other out, in any situation, it was just what you did. And people were so proud that some times help would have to be disguised, you remember the lines like..�Mom made more stew than we could eat, could you help us out by taking it so that it doesn�t go to waste?� But, somewhere along the line those thoughts of some (I guess now the majority) have changed. Some how, if somebody works hard to gain something others feel entitled to have the same things, even if they didn�t have to go through the struggle to earn it. Some how, things like big screen TVs, cell phones, and shiny new cars have wrongly slipped from the �wants� list to the �needs� list. Somewhere the incentives to strive for betterment have been replaced by incentives to be lazy. The easy way out and hand outs are now the norm. The feeling of pride about being self sufficient is supposed to be replaced by guilt for having more than others. The �small town� mentality is gone and our neighbors have turned into strangers. People no longer help out their neighbors or even themselves, instead they sit and wait for the government to come solve things for them. And when help does come they complain that the help wasn�t good enough or didn�t come fast enough, the pride is gone. Well, I refuse to think that way, my small town roots and work ethic runs to deep. I refuse to let somebody take care of me while I am willing and able to take care of myself. I will continue to meet and know my neighbors and help them out when they need it. I will continue to work hard to take care of my needs and by doing so, my wants will take care of themselves. I will continue to volunteer for things and give to charities of my choice regardless of what the government wants to take away from me and give to the undeserving. My hope is to change the thinking back to the way it was. The sun will rise again tomorrow, I�ll keep doing what I do, and this country can be great again�.at least in my little corner of it�

Here's my problem....sm [2008-11-21]
My dad is irresponsible and is in financial debt and doom. There is no way he can make the money to pay the bills he has accumulated. He has borrowed money he shouldnt have. Well the situation is... He has been knowing if he didn He refused to pay it. Every time he would get acheck he wouldn Well he kept not paying it for 2 months. Well yesterday they turned them out. It is freezing here. It is going to be in the 20s tonight. He said I don Well he was told and told to pay it and wouldn So now what does he do? As soon as he gets off work he comes to my house cause he don I can So I can He also said he had no money for food because he had to use it all for diesal for his dump truck. So I offered him food too. He also rumages through my cabinets for snacks. I feel like I am the parent and he is the child. My husband drives a big truck and he has been gone. When I tell him what is going on he gets aggravated because he is sitting at our house and all. He said he is a grown man and needs to step up and take care of himself but he is my dad and I can My husband will be home either late tonight or first thing in the morning and this is not going to go over too well with him. I am at a loss.

Thanks [2008-11-20]
Maybe I would feel better if I did take over the bills again. It can't add any more stress to me than I already have with the current situation. I thought him seeing it would bring reality but obviously it still hasn't and how much further do I want to go down this path to the big black hole. I guess we'll have to sit down and I'll have to do my wifely duty of giving him a pep talk and trying to relieve his stress and mine. He is just going to have to realize, whether he wants to or not, we do NOT have the money for xmas and all that if we want to have a xmas in our house. I just don't see any way around that one but I'll do my best to guide him to making the decisions about what to spend, etc. so he doesn't feel like I'm giving him an allowance or telling him no and we'll see how it goes from there. Thanks again, I appreciate your talk this morning.

Agree with poster below that [2008-11-20]
you need to get out of that situation, especially after reading what you son said. He is being damaged, and I have seen firsthand what that damage can do to you as an adult. Dysfunctional doesn't begin to describe it. Take action ASAP. I wish you the best of luck, I know it isn't easy.

Thanks for the suggestions. [2008-11-20]
Where the step is concerned it won't help. The situation is what it is and I knew it when we married. It's just frustrating at times but I know it is only temporary. I would hate to be the hateful ex who treats someone this way. It must be a terrible life to live constantly dreaming of ways to hurt your ex and his family instead of enjoying your own family and knowing that your child is well taken care of. As for the family stuff. I have tried to talk to the leaders of the family and they looked at me like I was a complete loon. That's fine. They can do what they want. He can do what he wants, but our budget is what it is and that will mean less for his child. Next year I WILL have a xmas fund set up so that I can provide for our kids and we don't end up in this holiday mess again. If nothing else $20 a month is more than what we have now and I'm sure I can scrape that together if I really try. Thanks for your help. :) I wish I could be oblivious like your husband!

this is horrible p.s. [2008-11-19]
If you don't stand up for yourself (and your kids) you will end up with a son who treats his wife the way your husband treats you and a daughter who feels it is okay to be starved by her husband. I get that you have creditors, but you are a family. You can't have some members paying the price and others not. Either everyone eats a little less or no one does & you find a different way to deal with the situation. Food is not a luxury.

You are both so kind, and you are right [2008-11-19]
on the mark. Yes, the credit cards are his. He lived off credit cards for several years to support himself and his kids after he and his wife split up. His wife never paid child support and he paid for daycare and everything, so had to pay for extras outside of his salary on credit. Then when I came along I was doing real well as a hospital MT, but had to quit because I was here and he needed me to watch the kids. He did not understand I had a shift like a regular job. So, after several months of my back and forth work and being with the kids, the boss gave me an ultimatum daycare for the kids or I leave my job. I told my DH that my income which was very good at the time was important to me as I have supported myself my whole life including being a single mom. But he would not budge. So, I quit. It has been 3 years and most of our marriage my trying to balance kids (I love them don Next time you get money mommy, GO FOOD SHOPPING. He said that right in front of DH. But, I just know when I do that the gorging goes on. I explained to DH about telling his son about gluttony, but he laughs at me. So, when I see him and his son eat this way, I get grossed out and am not hungry at all. I am sorry to say all this here. I actually just came back from the doc who gives me nerve pills because of my situation and he says I am doing really well coping with the situation. Which he knows what is going on. He is sending me to see a good counselor who he says, will validate me and give me support and confidence. Last time I went to see a counselor she told me to leave. But, my son loves his step sister and brother and so I want to stay. Well, sorry for the soap opera. I think when I start making more money I will get food and tires for my car, etc. but I will hide some food and snacks and siphon it into the general population here. That way they don't get snorted up by certain people. LOL. (And yes, I am putting an emergency fund away. But this is why I wish there was more transcription out there!) Thanks for your kind words and support. Between you and the doc today, it makes me feel I am not alone! :)

sounds like you will have to be the adult in this situation as the ex is not --- [2008-11-17]
and follow the mother she is being the adult in the situation as you are, so don't lose it. food for thought: she was hurting at the funeral. sometimes people put all their hurts in one pocket and never deal with it, never heal. gram died, the pocket opened and out it all came. you may be only one situation she put away for a rainy day.

I think you are an inspiration for wanting to do this....sm [2008-11-16]
I guess a lot of us can relate; I have 2 or 3 people from my past that have moved far away and I have no way of finding them right now, but please believe me, I truly want to do the same thing, go to them and make peace, to say be able to forgive each other and leave things on good terms. Regrets and guilts can slowly eat away, and it is good for your own personal health to do this, you must feel so much better. WE all mess up, we all need forgiveness now and then, or to grant forgiveness. You are a lovely person with integrity, honor, and caring to do this, such a lovely post to read!!!

Blondie, have read your posts before sm.. [2008-11-15]
You sound like a very good person, very caring. I was in the same situation once with a neighbor's dog. He would go to Canada hunting and just leave his dog tied to a dog house in mid-winter in New England and I would take her into my home, feed her, keep her warm and all. This neighbor today I can say with full confidence was borderline-retarded without a doubt. I am so glad I did this. I even at one time went to the dog pound and claimed this dog who had gotten loose and said it was my own. I could not let this poor dog suffer because of its owner. All I can say is do what is in your heart, it may cost you a few dollars more but think of it is abandoned children and you are there for them. Take a good look at this guy and truly ask yourself is he is capable of the love and caring you have in your heart. I know times are tough, but perhaps you are the one who is meant to save these poor animals. Sounds like this guy is either not the sharpest tool in the shed or something else wrong with him. Does he have enough money for beer or etc., and not his dogs? Then he doesn't deserve them! Think hard about the dogs and what would happen to them if it were not for you. You are a very nice person. I hope you find an answer. As for your husband, only you can answer that question. I think he should at least stick up for you and address his dumb friend as to what his responsibility is in the situation. Good luck, Blondie, you are a sweetheart to put up with all this, and I am sure the dogs are in a better place with you. Do you have an SPCA or someone who could help with the food? Perhaps online you can find a way to make your own food suitable for dogs at a reasonable price. May God be with you. Perhaps you are meant to care for dogs in some way that would be beneficial to you in other ways. God bless you for caring.

Most are just hoping to have some joy for their kids sm [2008-11-14]
Wefantasy. They do put it together at a certain age and itWe had an older kid who spoiledour Christmas party because he thought it his business to out the Santa thing to the younger ones as he was, bless him, highly intelligent and was told the truth from birth. Had some kids crying at one point. I think the point is, do what's right for your own family and try to have something for the kids to look forward to in these hard times especially. There is no right or wrong, just all interpret things differently and we're all very tired of all this bad news going on in the world. Have to look forward to something! Happy Holidays, no matter how you celebrate! We adults know the reason for the season. Bottom line - be happy! Life is temporary, imagination is wonderful, it takes us away from the bad news for awhile. Joy to the world and to each his own. As long as the older kids keep the secret to themselves, they also should enjoy the excitement of watching the little ones have fun with it. It's all good.

Slightly different perspective. [2008-11-13]
So maybe I shouldn't post about this since I have not exactly been in your shoes but I think possibly I can lend a help perspective. I lost my father to cancer when I was 19. My FIL is an alcoholic. No I didn't grow up in a divorced family or without a father through my childhood and no I haven't experienced my father being an alcoholic. What I feel I can tell you is there is such a thing as being too late to say the things you wanted to say, good or bad. If it does come to that, you will never let it go. He is still your father regardless of the choices he has made in his life. You only have 1 father. After seeing my FIL, I believe alcoholism is an illness. Sure people can fight it and get help if they wan, but it takes a very, very strong person to overcome it and it is a constant battle. From the sounds of your post it seems as though you have some things you need to get off of your chest. Whether that means sitting down and talking to him or putting the past in the past and moving on with any kind of relationship - I think only you can figure that out. Even a relationship that is only on holidays and important events is still a relationship. Who knows, maybe talking to your mom would help her as much as it might help you. It certainly can't be a short conversation, it needs to be thorough to get through the surface feelings and to the nitty gritty. Maybe, just maybe, your mom could shed some light for you on why she has been able to forget the past to a certain extent and move on. If nothing else, this might make you and your mom even closer and it sounds like no one else (professional or otherwise) would understand better than her. With my FIL, we do not stay when he is drunk or starts drinking. The entire family knows we pack up and leave, regardless of the situation. It hurts his feelings sometimes I can tell, but he knows the circumstances and we have small children that we will not subject to that. It was difficult at first but over the years it is just the way it is and no one says a word anymore and respects where we are coming from.

You said you "love him too much" to tell him sm [2008-11-13]
how you feel. If you love him that much, you should tell him how you feel before it is too late and he is gone! Maybe you telling him how you feel will help him to get his life back on track. I don't blame you for not wanting to visit. I wouldn't either but for your love for him, he deserves you to tell him. If it were your child in this situation, would you not tell them because you loved them too much? Remember that phrase, tough love?

"It's the thought that counts" - sm [2008-11-11]
Anyone who thinks enough of you to give you anything at all, deserves a heart-felt 'thank you'. All it means in the end is that they gave you something to let you know you mean something to them. When I was a kid, a girl I knew had about 30 friends she wanted to give a holiday card to, and only had 15 cards. And no money to buy more. So, she tore each card in half, and gave each half to all 30 of her friends. Sure, you got a printed message that either said, 'Merry Chr- an- Happy Ne-', or else you got one that said, '-istmas -d a -w Year'. But each half had a personal, handwritten holiday message to the recipient on it, and we all treasured our half-cards as much as if they'd been whole, because of the person that gave them to us. So, it really is the though that counts!

I differ in my opinions - sm [2008-11-11]
Everyone has limitations and personal problems,including those with high IQ. When we examine those on the other end of the scale, the mentally challenged, many of them seem very happy, and easily contented with the simple things in life. Its because they are able to concentrate on that one thing and enjoy it. Often the rest of us are too distracted by what The smarter one is, the more easily they can identify what is wrong with a situation, so perhaps the more problems they see the more they tend to be distracted by worries, etc. and cannot enjoy the simple things in life. Alcoholism? The tendency to that type of escapism is inheritable. Wise people that know it runs in their family will never indulge at all. But smart doesn In fact,smart often leads to arrogance, which leads to risk taking. You can also wonder how smart people can smoke, gamble, vote the way they do, whatever. These behaviors may be unwise, but they don Guess what my ex said to me - I have so many more brain cells than most people, I can afford to kill half of them off and STILL be smarter than you. Gee, I wonder why I divorced him... I knew a brilliant guy (not my ex) that I posed your question regarding self-destruction. He claimed it was his brain, and his right to waste it, or not,as he saw fit. I suppose it will be between him and his maker to discuss whether or not it is a sin to do so. I don Nobody blames my ex They lose the respect of people that had high hopes for them, yes, the definitely do. Their future looks really dismal. But they can still run rings around us in calculus, even three-sheets-to-the-wind. Aggravating as heck, but oh well, I am one that believes that if a person wants to trash their life, its between them and God. But as I told my ex, when judgement day comes, he'll have some explaining to do, and I wouldn't want to be his his shoes.

nursing home decision [2008-11-09]
I am living this as we speak. My father died in March of 2007. My mother became bedridden in June 2007. I had hospice come in to assist, Home Health and Hospice to be exact, and they are wonderful. They actually have their own private nursing home-type facility in the next town over. With hospice, on an occasional basis and when a bed is available, they offer the caregiver a 5-day respite at their facility. After momma went for the first time she was offered a bed there and I immediately accepted. The facility is very small and only for the 3HC clientele, with only 12 private rooms divided into 2 sides - one side with 6 beds for the terminal clients and one side with 6 beds for residential clients. Momma was able to stay on the residential side for 7 months; however, her condition was stable and Medicare would no longer pay the fee. Momma came home after that and I have again been her primary caregiver since January of this year. She is contractured, bedridden, and rarely speaks or opens her eyes. I do have a sitter that works during the daytime hours M-F so that I can actually work, run errands when I need to, and get the kids to and from school because otherwise I cannot leave the house at all because momma cannot be left alone. I feel blessed to have found this line of work not quite 6 years ago. I have a 4-1/2 year old and a 6 year old and momma to care for so working from home has been a lifesaver. I, too, made the promise to momma that I would not put her in a nursing home and I will stand by that. Itcare most of the public places provide. It's a tough decision to make - even tougher if there aren't funds available like there are in our case (thanks to my great daddy) to pay for the sitter to come in and assist. But when the sitter isn't here, the kids and I must be. For the most part they understand, but sometimes they really just want to go somewhere or to the park or to McDonalds and we just can't do it. It's a huge personal sacrifice for your entire family to make to keep a parent at home. The decision isn't always just personal, though. It can be financial, too. You will make the right decision for whatever your situation is. Whatever you decide to do, just know that your parent respects you enough to make that decision for them and that they love you. Best of luck to you honey... hugzzzzz

reasoning [2008-11-09]
sorry I believe God has the authority to judge any and every situation. My reasoning on dogs is the temperament test. That is a test that doesn't lie. This test is conducted by experts on specific breeds of dogs. I hate to admit it, but I use to be skeptical on owning pitbulls also. I use to think why take the chance on owning a dog that could turn on us and kill us??? Yup that was me 6 yrs ago. Till one day I took a chance on getting a little pitbull pup & he would be the one to open my eyes to so much. So upon researching them, owning them for years, rescuing one and being married to a K9 dog handler/trainer trust me I know what I am talking about.

PitBull's are misunderstood... [2008-11-09]
Instead offocusing narrowly on only your dislike of PitBulls, why don't you look at the bigger picture as a whole... First of all, the statistics on fatal attacks...well it doesn But that still doesn't mean PitBulls are more likely to bite... The statistics that I have read regarding breed specific likelyhood of biting have shown that small dogs (and mixbreeds) are way more likely to be aggressive towards humans and other dogs. Specifically Dachshunds, Chihuahuas, and Jack Russell Terriers to name a few. PitBulls were more likely to show aggression to unfamiliar dogs. I_udi=B6T48-4SNGRDR-2_user=10_coverDate=06%2F03%2F2008_alid=765300851_rdoc=2_fmt=high_orig=search_cdi=4968_sort=d_docanchor=view=c_ct=27_acct=C000050221_version=1_urlVersion=0_userid=10md5=a9e7d67a2a45dc01019b232cbbfa3bf5 Here are some other good points from websites that are unbiased: To reduce the number of dog bite-related injuries, adults and children should be educated about bite prevention, and persons with canine pets should practice responsible pet ownership. (CDC website) �While at times informative, statistics on fatal dog attacks can also be misleading. For example, a number of cases where a Pit Bull, Rottweiler or German Shepherd Dog were counted as causing a human fatality, in reality the direct result was from gross human negligence or criminal intent�. (http://www.thedogpress.com/Columns/Jade/07_Dog.Bite.Stats_09.htm) A fatal dog attack is not just a dog bite by a big or aggressive dog. It is usually a perfect storm of bad human-canine interactions -- the wrong dog, the wrong background, the wrong history in the hands of the wrong person in the wrong environmental situation. (Malcolm Gladwell, Troublemakers - What pit bulls can teach us about profiling, The New Yorker, Feb. 6, 2006.) www.dogbitelaw.com/PAGES/breedlaws.html Our Country was not founded on the restriction and punishment of the masses based on the actions of a few. Focusing legislation on dogs that are vicious distracts attention from the real problem, which is irresponsible owners. These very breeds as a whole have proven their stability and good canine citizenry by becoming Rescue' dogs, Therapy dogs working inside hospitals, professional Herding dogs and family companions for years. Banning the so-called dangerous breed will merely hasten the upswing in popularity of some other breed that will be used for vicious attacks on people and other animals. There is no valid reason to deprive animal lovers of their well behaved pets. The reports and statistics are flawed. Among other things, a dog bite victim is usually unable to identify the breed of dog that bit him or her. Therefore, victims will name the type of dog that currently is on people's minds as being the dangerous dog. (From the Animal Farm Foundation.) One more thing, the best K-9 drug searching dog in America is a PitBull...his name is Popsicle because he was rescued from a man who tried to kill him by putting him in a freezer. -Cindy, owner of 1 PitBull (Zeus) and 2 Beagles (Max Osiris)...and yes they do get along!

I have had the pleasure... [2008-11-09]
....of working in several nursing homes as a CNA and nurse before coming to medical transcription. It's hard work and usually staffing is sometimes paltry, even in the good homes, but we really do care. Really. Every place has bad eggs, the hospitals, home care, etc., but everyone usually has to have some sort of heart to work in a nursing home. First things first...I always would check for jobs with this litmus test, and I recommend anyone do this. This is a make or break kind of ordeal. You look for the state inspection report. It HAS to be placed in a prominent place in the facility. If you cannot find it readily, ask where it is. If there is anything going on with hiding these documents, you leave and never come back. The other thing is to smell for stale urine or strong air fresheners. If you smell either of those, leave. (Do not check for BM smell--the smell often radiates and may be new, for lack of a better term.) Look at the residents. Do many of them seem content? Do you see aides with gait belts around their waists? Do the nurses look terribly stressed? Please also do not judge by tones of voices in the direct care staff. Often the staff must talk very directly, succintly, and abruptly--it sometimes comes off as harsh, but it's not--for particular residents to hear and/or understand. If you go in a facility in the evening, often the place is chaotic, particularly if there are demented residents. There is a condition known as sundowning that is very, very real. The ones with dementia who are sundowning may give the impression that care is not being given due to the chaos and behaviors brought by the condition. It's not the case. Usually these residents are kept in common areas until they are calm enough to retire for the night. If you go in the nighttime, often there is one night nurse for about 65ish residents. If you are so inclined to come in at this time and do not see anyone at the nurse's station for some time, know that the nurse may be tending to a medical issue and the CNAs are tending to personal care of the residents. If you ever see nurses eating a sandwich in one hand and writing in another hand while sitting at the nurse's station, this is sometimes the only break he or she gets. It's not out of disrespect that this is done. It is so that nurse can care for the residents as best as he or she can. What you are describing in your original post, unfortunately, is quite common, from what I have seen. Two people who are married a long time will often pass not too far apart. It seems people often do decide when they will go. As a nurse, it's one of the more incredible things I've seen. When I saw it happen, I always had the sense there is an extremely strong bond between the spouses that absolutely nothing could break. I'm not trying to say anything is amiss with your mother. I'm not. It doesn't always happen that way. I hope I don't come off that way. I'm sorry you are going through this, because no one wants to send a loved one to the nursing home, yet caring for an ailing parent is one of the most stressful things anyone can experience. I have never been in your position, so I hope I don't come off as too forward, rude, or presumptuous, but I wanted to tell you a little more about what you may be getting into. If you live in Iowa, I'd recommend you to a great one that has the best nurse I've ever met working there now. He has cooked up oyster soup in our kitchen when a resident stopped eating because the resident loved oyster soup. He has taken residents fishing for the heck of it. He wears a scrub shirt with chickens on it because many of our residents were farmers and like the shirt (and because my husband has a silly sense of humor and a wife with a sewing machine). I've known CNAs who buy (with their own money) residents pop and even steak just because the resident wanted it and could have it. Shoot, lots of us do it, even when we don't have a lot of money to our names. I loved to sing with the residents that had dementia (music seems to be retained) and chat about life with the residents who had their faculties. I promise it's not all doom and gloom. Sure, nursing homes could do better, but if you find the right one, it may just work out. All my best to you and your mother.

Keep it simple. [2008-11-08]
I used to find myself into the same situation. Run around doing the cleaning, cooking, etc., and would work myself up into a frenzy to the point I did not really enjoy or remember the day after everyone left on Thanksgiving day. Decided not a single person expected me to do all this and certainly family wanted me to enjoy this day too. The truly gracious have no high expectations other than the coming together andhonoring the day. I started to keep it simple. No new recipes from Martha, no chasing that last piece of dust, did make the lists of things to do, asked everyone to contribute to the menu and bring a dish (this creates the best variety too) and now I find I do really enjoy the day and even get excited and look forward tohosting again.

They always say [2008-11-07]
That parents try to give their kids what they didn't have. Since her husband doesn't have hair, looks like they are letting their son have hair. Ha ha I actually have no problems with men/boys with long hair. I looks like a fine boy too. I don't particularly care for Celine but that's just my personal opinion and wish her the best for her wishes.

At 12 & 14, I think they're ... [2008-11-04]
old enough to know that the situation is very critical. Personally, I'm not a big fan of giving a time line on life. People can surprise you for the better...and for the worse. I would, however, let the kids know things were serious. And hugs to you for your loved one.

smoking [2008-11-02]
That's a difficult situation. Legally you can do nothing against her, that's bad. I hope the smoke detectors are well maintained? You can try to talk some sense into her, but I doubt it will help. The only solution would be that you move into a building where the owner forbids smoking. There are some sensible landlords out there who want to keep their houses smokefree. But, as you said, that's difficult for you. Try to convince her to stop smoking or cut down by telling her how bad it is for her health. There should be 'houses for smokers', stinkers, and 'houses for nonsmokers', nonstinkers. I have the same problem. I am a nonsmoker and live on the 1st floor, under and on above me both are smokers and I tell you, it stinks!