Parents gettting divorced...sm

If your mom and dad just divorced this year, have you ever thought of depression? sm [2008-11-22]
Maybe your dad is going through a real hard adjustment to his new life and could use a little help or boost from you instead of a cold shoulder. Sounds to me like he might just be in some major depression as his life has had a drastic change. Reach out to him and help him in his time of need. Sure he is an adult, but everyone can walk on hard times with major traumatic events going on in their life and he may just lack desire to care due to his depression.

I would have divorced a long time ago....sm [2008-11-21]
when my husband had a drug problem. I didn't because my son told me he would not come with me but that he would choose to stay with his dad. He was around 7 years old at the time. I couldn't leave my son. So I didn't leave. He is so close to his daddy. He would pick his dad drugs and all over me any day of the week and that hurt me very bad because I have always been a good mom. So I stayed. I guess God helped me though because my husband quit using drugs miraculously later and we are doing pretty good now.

Probably borrow from his parents - sm [2008-11-13]
they are loaded, though act poor (have a couple mil in the bank). Borrow enough to a pay off the house $40K if they would go for it, and I think they would, or sell the house (borrow from them until house is sold) and either rent for a while (we'd have about $140K after the sale of the house and mortgage paid off) or buy a much smaller house. We have land we can sell too so we would not be destitute though it would cause some problems.

Not educational. This is something that should be the parents job to teach, not the school. sm [2008-10-16]
Besides, why should school children have a field trip to ANY wedding? What would people say if someone had a field trip to a church service? These are things that parents need to be able to teach their children when the time is right.

Unfortunately, the schools stick their nose in many things that should be the parents job (sm) [2008-10-16]
my children have had teachers give one-sided views of politics, whether they should be democrats or republicants, who their parents should be voting for, etc. For some reason, some teachers don We don't pay them to teach their opinion.

I still think it should be the parents who teach the child these things, not the school's place. [2008-10-16]
Each child goes to school to learn facts. They learn their social skills, values, etc.at home and from friends that their parents allow them to associate with. The school is a public entity full of many INDIVIDUALS who all have different values and opinions. Teachers should not be teaching children their own personal values and should leave that to the parents.

It can't because most parents (read this board!) are NOT [2008-10-16]

Help! I live next to parents and they ...sm [2008-10-15]
are driving me mad, well my dad is anyways. I have always lived on my parents land next door to them. I live in a mobile home. Well my mom and dad divorced this year because my dad was cheating. He was calling another woman up to 10 times a day, going to her house, has give her everything he has. He owned cattle and sold them and got $32,000 for them. Well the money disappeared and he was broke before long. This woman he is cheating with is on disability and lives in a house and has a SUV. Her daughter has a car and son a truck and none of them work. Mama has looked on his bank statements and seen where he is making their payments. Well of course mom put him out. Like to never got him out. He got a mobile home and parked it on the land. She got 3 acres and the house in divorce. He has the remaining 7 acres. Well he puts his mobile home on his part and refuses to hook it up. He is staying in this trailer with no power, no sewage, nothing. There is only a bed. He has had the money to hook it up right. My mother has offered him part of the furniture and a TV. He doesn He refuses to live like a normal human being. Then he comes to my moms house every day when she gets off of work and wants to come in and take a shower. She is like no we aren You have a trailer and you go hook it up and take a shower over there. Well it has water to it he just doesn Well that is his own problem. He chooses not to have it hooked up because I guess he wants an excuse to come over to moms. Well she tells him no. Then he comes to my house and sits and sits. He comes over because he has no furniture and no TV or nothing. He comes and rumages through my cabinets and bums food. If me and my mom are at my house and decide to cook something he invites himself over there and helps himself. I have never seen anyone who was so annoying. I can He refuses to get a washer or dryer which without electricity it wouldn So he comes to my house and says can I wash my laundry? Well gues what? I end up doing it cause he doesn Then he leaves it there and expects me to finish it. I can not hardly do my work because he comes over and says are you busy? I just wanted to talk. I won Then he just sits there. I am at my wits end. I just want to move. He came over and said can I borrow a duffle bag? I said ok. I give it to him. He says I am gonna go buy one and I will bring it back. I never have got it back. Then he comes over and says can I borrow an ice chest. I let him borrow it and never get it back. He bums off of everyone here but this other woman and her children he gives whatever they want. He has taken money from me and my sister. He has borrowed money against my sisters extra vehicle she had paid for. He asked and she let him. he didn THis is his own daughter he did this to now. My husband had a pickup in my dads name because his credit wasn Big mistake. When the truck was almost paid formy dadborrowed money against the truck behind our backs. THen the truck is stolen and insurance has to pay it off. Well it was worth more than what was owing so we got the differnece. Well he had borrowed $1600 against it and said he didn So it came out of our insurance money from the truck. Finally when we knew he had some money we had to bug him and bug him for the money and he said $1000 is all he owed. He borrowed $1600 and paid one note on it before the truck was stolen. So we were out about $500. He takes from his children. I am at wits end. I want to get far far away from him. My sister lives an hour an a half away and she seems pretty lucky right now. What the heck to do?

Best one though - I don't have to live with my parents :-) sm [2008-10-08]
I love them, love to visit them, talk to them on the phone...but I don't have to live with them!

Anyone here caring for aging parents? [2008-10-02]
Whoof. This is so very hard. My mother is/was a brilliant educator, highly respected in her field. We are walking a very thin line these days. I just hate it, and I do not use that word often. We have found an assisted living facility that she likes, and I do as well. But, she is not liking the fact that she must decide. Oh, it is so very hard. She was quite ill back in the summer, went to a nursing home for therapy (to recover from pneumonia), and then home. She is failing, and not going gentle into that good night. She wants so very much to live on her own, but it is such a struggle. I am afraid for her, and I am so very tired. Is anyone else living with this? If so, what do you do? I have read a thousand articles, talked with so many specialists, and still am lost.

Aging parents [2008-10-02]
Well, ya know, you just do what you need to do during these times. I helped care for both my folks and they each died in their mid 60s of cancer. I did a lot of praying to find the strength and really kept remembering I only had one mom and one dad and after all they had given up to give us kids a good life growing up, it was the absolutely least I could do. My brothers and sister were just great too and we got to the point we took shifts, even when they were hospitalized. Looking back, we had some really very nice moments. I can actually say Ihaveno regrets and feel no guilt about perhaps what I should have done later.If you do have siblings, ask for help. Take care of yourselves as you really are not as capable of caring for your parents otherwise.

It certainly is sad for the kids and their parents but - [2008-09-21]
I would much prefer to hear about an 11-year-old or 13-year-old being abandoned under the Safe Haven laws rather than hearing about their mother or father deciding the only way out of a desperate situation was to kill their children and themselves. The children are old enough that they have probably had numerous conversations with their parent(s) about why they are being left and how to find them later (at least I hope so.)

parents [2008-09-10]
I had a daughter in a similar situation. Her school had a tutoring program after schools with actual teachers and that really helped her a lot. She actually was doing okay in the class, but just didn't feel confident. The teachers made her feel more sure of herself and that seemed to make all the difference. I'd talk with the physics teacher or counselor to see if they can work with her before she drops the class.

Parents what would you do? [2008-09-10]
I My daughter just started the 9th grade. She This year she She She wants to drop out of the class already. I told her to give it to the first semester which will be over in ten weeks to see how it goes. My husband feels that she has to take it eventually so she should say in the class. She I think she should talk to the teacher and her counselor to see what advice they have. Her teacher is one that gives the work and says do it without really teaching them how to do anything. I My husband took physics years ago and he tried to work with her last night, but I What would you do if your child was in the same predicament?

Why boys need parents... [2008-08-28]
This is for those mother's of boys, sisters of boys, and boys that have grown older and anyone else who needs a laugh.

Why not drive down to your parents on [2008-08-13]
x

Did your parents help? I lived on my own but (sm) [2008-08-08]
it was because my stepfather did not want me there. I worked a full time and a part time job and tried to put myself through college. It took me years just to get an associate degree. If I had had help from my parents it would have been so much easier. It was very difficult as an 18-year-old to earn enough money to take care of myself.

parents [2008-08-08]
My parents helped very little - they were very loving, but very poor. I worked, had no car, ate very simple cheap foods - that is the only way I could have done it. . I could not help my daughter much either - she got scholarships, took out loans and worked - full time one year while attending college full-time. . If parents can help, I think they should. . I think this mom is willing to help, just not change her entire life, which she should not have to.

What he needs is some parents with some sense (sm) [2008-08-04]
I feel sorry for you as his neighbor and sorry for him that his parents have raised him to be this way. They shouldn If the people who are supposed to love you more than anyone on Earth treat you like that, then how would you possibly learn to treat other people with decency and respect? If anything actually needs to happen, it is that DSS needs to be called and told how the parents talk to their child. He doesn I am usually the last one who would say that because I think children are almost better off with their parents, messy house or whatever, but in this case, this child needs help.

Also - Talking to his parents would be of no benefit (sm [2008-08-04]
His parents do not know how to handle him. Calling their son names and telling him that his heart is dark are just making things worse. He might get punished more or yelled at more or cursed at more....that He doesn I am not a parent who believes in not disciplining their children....I believe in disciplining appropriately though. If you have witnessed and heard for yourself the things that his parents have said to him, what do you think they must say to him when no one else can hear? Also, often boys who are large for their age get treated so much more harshly by everyone around them.....suppose he was a teeny tiny little 14-year-old saying the same types of things....would you react exactly the same to him?? Because his mentality is the same as that teeny tiny 14-year-old, just in a bigger body.

I understand some parents don't supply stuff- sm [2008-08-03]
but what is wrong with regular pencils, a whole lot cheaper than mechanical. I would buy some extra of those no problem, but $21 for pencils is a bit too much. In theory the teacher keeps each kids supplies in their own box at our school, so the supplies really are for my kid and not others, they supply their own note paper, markers, pencils, folders, notebooks, crayons, etc. I am sure some things end up in a general grab box for everyone, like the pencils and construction paper. I just remember when I went to school, all we needed was a few pencils in grade school.....as we got older, folders and a notebook, pens and pencils. Now you need ever little thing. The big thing was back to school clothes not supplies. I cannot even buy my kids any new clothes as I am spending it all on supplies, so far $140 and I am not done, plus it would be $11 more if I bought all the required pencils.

my two blind parents had a blind dog [2008-07-12]
The dog didn Talk about irony!! Parents couldn Mom didn't move the furniture much, too much crashing into... God truly has a sense of humor.

You're lucky (or he's lucky) the parents care [2008-07-09]
I have 2 kids just down at the end of the block from me and their parents don They Apparently, they They like to mouth to any adults when they whiz by on their bikes. Is it wrong that I Their mom doesn When we first moved into town this past fall (short-term thing while we They put on a good act. After a few weeks of them coming to our house and pretending to want to play with the boys, we soon realized they were freeloaders -- wanted to eat everything in my fridge (without even asking first) and then wanted to play our computers or video games (without my kids). I put the klinks on that real fast. After that, they started treating my kids like crap. I told my boys as long as they didn Their mom even had the balls to come looking for them 1 night after they didn It was 9 o I couldn Just a few weeks ago, the 2 perps beat another kid with a baseball bat at the ballfield. The cops were at their house quite a bit, but I see they I can't wait till we move back out to the country!

Do her parents share your concerns?-nm [2008-07-08]

Parents gettting divorced...sm [2008-06-21]
My parents are in their fifties and are getting a divorce because my dad is running around. Well she filed for divorce and he would not get out the house. He said until the divorce was final he had the right to stay, which is true actually. She can At the beginnning of the divorce he agreed to give her the house and 3 acres and he would just take the other additional 7 acres. Well he has been told for months he better be finding a place to live but he refused to even look. He doesn Now the papers will be final next week and mama said you are leaving. He says he can She says well you have been knowing for months you should have planned ahead. She doesn It is like she can He wants to do what he wants to do and have another woman and go out every night but he wants to live there and says how can you throw me out with nowhere to go. She said well you have had the opportunity to get a place. And he has had the money. She said he just won She could have him legally evicted and law officials make him leave but what an awful thing to have to do. But he is headset not to leave.

moving out of state [2008-11-21]
Check your divorce laws in your states. Many states will not let you or your (ex) spouse move out of state without permission of the other. Some even have a mileage radius. I think it's to keep both parents close to the kids and not having one parent run far away so the other can't ever see the kids again. My kids were 5 and 1 when I was in the process of getting divorced, and I moved out of state before I realized this. Fortunately my ex realized and understood the need for me and the kids to be close to my family for support, so it was written in the papers that it was okay for me to move out of state and he signed it.

Divorce [2008-11-21]
I divorced my first husband when my children were 1 and 3. He was a crack addict. It wasn't easy but it was the right decision for me. I would definitely suggest going to Al-Anon. I didn't make it there until quite a few after my divorce, but it helped me a great deal. Best of luck with your decision. Shelly

Has our country taken a turn for the ... [2008-11-21]
Our once great country, I afraid, has just turned a corner for the worse. I have watched as the mentality of our country has gone from setting your mind to something, working hard, and you can accomplish it to giving up, sitting back, and letting somebody else take care of them. I was brought up, as many were, with a good work ethic that was instilled in us by our parents. With the idea that if you want something you had to work for it, and by working for something you learned quickly the difference between wants and needs. There were always incentives for a person to strive to better themselves. Whether it were financial incentives, or just the pride you gained in knowing that you did something yourself, it didn�t matter. I wasn�t long ago that people had that �small town� mentality, and everybody knew their neighbors. And those neighbors helped each other out, in any situation, it was just what you did. And people were so proud that some times help would have to be disguised, you remember the lines like..�Mom made more stew than we could eat, could you help us out by taking it so that it doesn�t go to waste?� But, somewhere along the line those thoughts of some (I guess now the majority) have changed. Some how, if somebody works hard to gain something others feel entitled to have the same things, even if they didn�t have to go through the struggle to earn it. Some how, things like big screen TVs, cell phones, and shiny new cars have wrongly slipped from the �wants� list to the �needs� list. Somewhere the incentives to strive for betterment have been replaced by incentives to be lazy. The easy way out and hand outs are now the norm. The feeling of pride about being self sufficient is supposed to be replaced by guilt for having more than others. The �small town� mentality is gone and our neighbors have turned into strangers. People no longer help out their neighbors or even themselves, instead they sit and wait for the government to come solve things for them. And when help does come they complain that the help wasn�t good enough or didn�t come fast enough, the pride is gone. Well, I refuse to think that way, my small town roots and work ethic runs to deep. I refuse to let somebody take care of me while I am willing and able to take care of myself. I will continue to meet and know my neighbors and help them out when they need it. I will continue to work hard to take care of my needs and by doing so, my wants will take care of themselves. I will continue to volunteer for things and give to charities of my choice regardless of what the government wants to take away from me and give to the undeserving. My hope is to change the thinking back to the way it was. The sun will rise again tomorrow, I�ll keep doing what I do, and this country can be great again�.at least in my little corner of it�

He is 60 years old...sm [2008-11-21]
And acts like he is 2. He doesnI am not his babysitter. He is a grown man and he needs to act like it. Social service doesn't need to help him. The man makes decent money. He just won't take responsibity to pay his bills and has too many at that. He needs to thin them out. For instance, he has 2 new model trucks. He does not need 2 trucks but he WANTS both of them. But a light bill is one of your most important bills. And I for a fact know he had the money to pay it and didn't. I even told him you better go pay that electric bill. He wouldn't. I have never seen anyone who was quite like him. I love my dad and don't want to hurt him but he is making things very hard for me right now. I can't babysit him anymore. He is more than welcome to come visit me as often as he wants. He can come by everyday if he wants. But then there is a time to leave and go home. I have a family and I know I wouldnt like it if my husbands dad did this. I would not be happy at all. I am not happy about my father doing it but what do you do? Tell him get out?

I have a friend who left her live-in ...sm [2008-11-21]
boyfriend of 11 years who she had a baby with because he was doing drugs and wasn't coming home at night, going to strip clubs after work and not coming home, etc. She lived in MS close to me and her parents and all of her family lived in Las Vegas, NV. She left and never looked back. She said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do but she doesn't regret it and is so much happier now.

No I live in the boonies. In Nothingville. SM [2008-11-21]
I think he has had someone for so long and my mom took care of the bill paying and he never had to worry about bills or shopping or being alone. And now he can't deal with it. They divorced because he was cheating with another woman. I told him go be with her. I mean they are divorced now. If that is what he wants go get it. He said she has a 28 year old son and a 22 year old daughter with a baby who neither one work and lay around her house. He says how am I supposed to be with someone with that kind of mess. He said if I am with her I will basically have to take on her grown kids too. I said well that is her own fault she allows her grown children to be bums. It is just a dang mess. He got himself into it though. With his bills it is like he can't sit down and say hey I can't pay for 2 vehicles and I have to get rid of one and he has other multiple bills I won't even go into. But if he is struggling to pay for both let one go back. I told him go file bankruptcy if you are having really bad problems with finanes. He said I don't want to file bankruptcy. Oh no. I said well that or lose your stuff. I have tried to give him advice and help him but he won't listen. He is stubborn.

According to DH, our budget is $1,000 [2008-11-20]
But more likely I We have 3 kids. We usually get them 1 big gift to share and then round it out with smaller gifts. This year, they It The breakdown of the other $350: Parents $150, Grandma $25, Gift Exchange $60, Siblings (from my kids $20, Niece/nephew: $40, Teacher Gifts $30, Student Gifts: $15. The remaining $30 will go to Toys for Tots! Each of my kids like to pick out a $10 gift to put in. I have 3 siblings and 1 that My brother that Of course, my 2 unmarried siblings also buy small gifts for my children, so we always get them a little something from them -- usually lottery tickets or a gas card for Sheetz. $10 used to fill We do our exchange party on Christmas Eve. It keeps the kids entertained and gives them a little preview of what I have to say I enjoy Christmas Eve more than Christmas Day. It Teacher gifts kill me. It I usually go for a coffee mug with a Christmas scene or teacher saying on it and fill it with candy. Of course, DH thinks I do all this for Christmas for $1000, but why tell him and spoil it? We do a Christmas Club for $1000 every year and I just buy the other stuff here and there. We already got our Christmas gifts for ourselves -- a 46-inch LCD TV for DHand a Dooney Bourke purse with matching wallet for me. Now you all got me excited again about shopping next week. I I always wait until the day before Thanksgiving to do that so I know I won For those of you below who posted that you don Let me just say that I don I sometimes snag a deal or 2, but I learned a long time ago not to wait until Black Friday to get the most sought after items. Best to get them in Sept or Oct.

We did something similar [2008-11-20]
but it was a local theater gift card instead of the netflix. I didn't know netflix did such a thing. That's a great idea. A smore's kit is nice to make or homemade marshmellows (they are not that difficult to make as most people think) with homemade hot chocolate mix and some cute mugs. Also made fleece throws for everyone for xmas one year. YOu can get the no-sew fleece and just cut a fringe around the edge to finish it. Offer up a free baby sitting night to the parents, all you need is a card. Tuck it in the tree with their name on it. If there is something special that you make that someone likes you can make up a basket with many of the ingredients and include the recipe card. If it is cookies or something nonperishable you can include a finished version in the basket.

Anyone go through a divorce w/younger kids? sm [2008-11-20]
Iit just isn while I have always felt you don't throw around the word divorce unless you mean it. Well, I mean it now. I gave him an ultimatum - straighten himself out or I leave with the kids. I am not going to go through 5 years of this again. It is affecting the kids, and my son is acting out to the point of saying he wishes he had never been born. I am giving my husband until after Christmas to decide what he is going to do, and if he does not value our marriage more than his alcohol, I am moving out of state. This is not to keep him away from the kids but because my parents (divorced also) are in a different state than I am and I have no family at all here. Has anyone had to make a decision like this? I donno other options. He refuses to go to counseling or to see a doctor about what I am positive is depression. Any tips or suggestions? Sorry to dump on everyone like this, thanks for reading.

haven't been there [2008-11-20]
but just wanted to wish you well. It sounds like you are making the right decision. My husband's father is an alcoholic and from what I have heard (we have talked about it a lot) it is not pleasant for kids. You are making the right decision for them. My MIL did not do the same for her kids but my husband still wishes she had. His father is still an alcoholic and now we face the difficult decision with his influence on our children. We make the tough decisions that we feel are best for our kids. It's our job as parents and we know it is the right thing to do, despite what others within the family may say, namely the alcoholic FIL and MIL who still stands by his side and takes the abuse. Good luck. It will all work out in time.

Don't use your debit cards [2008-11-19]
I had a problem with fraud on my account through them. Surely they have fixed it by now, as this was last year and the year before (yes 2 separate occurrences, both at xmas time). So I would not suggest using any cards there but cash only. I do agree that it seems to be a great idea for teens. Their prices are great and our location has always been helpful with advise, returns, etc. Another good idea I have found for teenagers is a gift card for restaurants or gas stations. It helps their parents a bit and if they have a girlfriend/boyfriend places like AppleBees or Red Lobster are nice so that they can go on a nice date and not have to worry about $30 for the bill. Even with a part-time job that's a lot of money for a teenager! :) My nephew actually requests it.

A good gift for either... [2008-11-19]
is the small cologne/perfume gift sets you can get at the mall stores. they usually have 5-8 small bottles for $20 or so. Sometimes you can also get whatever their free offer is for a sweatshirt or duffle bag with it too. We did this one year for all the nieces/nephews between 14 and 21 and they all said they loved it. It gave them an opportunity to try different things without being stuck with 1 fragrance and it surprisingly lasts a kid a pretty long time because they don't want to smell like that every day but when they go out it is something special. The girl might also like a gift certificate for a makeup counter to get her colors done and skin consultation. That's if her parents allow her to wear make up. I wish someone had given me one of those when I was that age. Most teens don't realize its not the amount of makeup you put on but HOW you put it on that makes the difference.

Black Friday [2008-11-19]
My husband and I always shop on Black Friday, but if there's something we really want he goes out at about 4:00-5:00 in the morning to get it and then comes back to get me at around 9:00. I'm not a morning person at all. I usually don't go to bed unti 4:00 a.m. because of work so the thought of getting up that early doesn't appeal to me. We leave the kids at my parents where we spend Thanksgiving. Then we go out to a fantastic Greek Restaurant for lunch then back to grandma and grandpa and then travel back home an hour away. Then the next day it's off to cut down our Christmas tree.

I'm in Florida and spend about $175/wk for 5 sm [2008-11-18]
I5 and 158 lbs,eats more than my husband, who is 6 and 345 lbs. FIL had to have a feeding tube put in last July, and I had to cut down meals by half because we were having so many leftovers and wasting money. Just when I thought I had it figured out, he was able to get the tube removed, so II donwe (FIL and I) will just eat a sandwich or leftovers from the fridge As far as special foods, we dona recipe, and for a while we were buying meat ata butcher shop but have had to cut that out for now. It was really good but was close to DH's work, and if he couldn't pick it up while he was in the area, it was a 45-minute drive. I cook most things from scratch, except lasagna because I hate making it. Once a month, we have a luncheon at church that I bring a dish and a dessert, and I cook Wednesday night dinner there one night per month, but I get reimbursed for the Wednesday night dinner. I do include paper products and toiletries in with my grocery budget but that's it, and I usually go to Sam's once a month for those. I have it easy compared to my parents though. My dad got paid once a month, and there were 4 kids at home all the time, 5 when my sister came up during the summer. They used to have 3 grocery carts slap full of food, and my mom figured out that it took something like 18 boxes of cereal to last a month, each one with a date marked on it so we didnWe also hada freezer to keep extra bread and other things, and my mom also used to mix in powdered milk when the gallon was half-way gone. I never knew until I was grown, so she definitely blended it well.

I had a similar experience [2008-11-17]
I divorced my first husband in 1972 and it didn You will feel SO much better after you do it!

Need some advice on an old friendship -- [2008-11-16]
I got divorced 7 years ago. Started out as a friendly divorce and then I started dating a man that my ex did not like (because he is black) and we quit speaking at all. Then, one of my very good friends started backing off from the friendship andI thought it was because I was openly dating a black man. Well, 4 months later, I heard that she was dating my exhusband. I called her and asked her about it and of course she denied it, could not believe I accused her of that, she would never do that to me..... on and onand on. To make a long story short, of course 2 months later I found out it was true, they had bee seeing each other for about 6 or 7 months. Anyway, during that time period after I knew that they were together but before they broke up, I would call her occasionally if I needed information on my son (who lived with his dad and would not speak to me at that time becaue of brainwashing) and we stayed friendly on the phone, felt like old times, etc. Then they broke up and now occasionally I get the urge to call her or she will call me for something, and it is like nothing ever happened. We laugh and cut up and it I have some thoughts though about when it really started, before we were even divorcing or during the divorce, and then sometimes I get really mad because she lied to me in the first place and let me keep trying to have a friendship, and then sometimes I miss her and think it does not matter because we were divorced and he was free and I definitely did not want him back. My problem is what to do? Forgive her and forget her... forgive her and be friends again... ask her the questions I need answers to and then decide whether to be friends??? And the other big problem is my new husband gets very upset every time I even speak to her because she did thatto me when she was my friend and he says you never go behind friends to their love interests. Advice please....

Must be nice to know you have in-laws ...sm [2008-11-14]
who would help. My parents couldn't help. My father in law couldn't either BUT mother in law could but wouldn't I know because she is so tight. She would just say oh well loose all your sh**. She wouldn't come off her money.

I agree ... an idea [2008-11-14]
I think it might be better to just tell the story of the real St. Nicholas who was so generous (Google for specific info on him) and tell your child that in remembrance of his special generosity, you will give some presents in his name (and can still call him the evolved Santa name). That way, there is still some special mystery feeling involved but no lies! My 2nd child really got upset too and so did my nephews. It seems it can teach a child to not trust even his/her own parents when going the old route with the whole Santa thing.

Please...I need someone to talk to...sm [2008-11-13]
Okay, its pity party time. I may need to get a professionalfree therapy. I am feeling really, really guilty about not seeing my dad as much as I should. So, heredad just up and leaves sort of way. He got a job in another city about 5 hours away. I remember we were all really excited about it as it was a really good career move for him. Mom didnagreement was that he would come home on the weekends and see us (right). So this turned into seeing him every month, to every couple of months, to about twice a year (thanksgiving and Christmas). Him and mom are still married (don't know how she does it) but I feel such resentment toward him that it is hard for me to go see him. We only live about 15 minutes away from my parents and are in their town a lot to see my husband's family. However, I choose not to go see my father because it is awkward and weird and it stresses me out to the max. I get to see mom about 3 times a week as we work together (both as transcriptionists) at our local hospital. I love spending time with her, but not with my dad around. I know I'm hurting his feelings when I don't see him but on his birthday, father's day, holidays, etc. He doesn't drink THAT much anymore, a beer or two a day (we think), but it still bothers the heck out of me when I see him drinking. Although it is better than mom and I trying to get him to bed while he is falling down drunk or driving away, getting a DUII, etc. I would never tell him how I feel because I love him and wouldn't hurt him like that. He isn't very healthy (hep C, high BP, neuropathy, etc) and I don't think he'll be around for that much longer. NEway..getting off track...I just need some advice and/or to hear someone else's stories about something like this. I don't know what to do and it is really getting to me. It does feel better to be able to talk to someone about it though (husband doesn't understand and talking to mom about it just makes her feel bad). Thanks ladies for all of your support!!!

I do pity you...sm [2008-11-13]
It sucks when you have a parent who has chosen to put other things/people before their children. I donjob and not coming home to see his family for long periods of time. So you kind of feel like why should I feel guilty when he didn't? It is up to you if you want to see him more than the holidays and b-days. My dad has chosen another family over his family. I am 31 years old and my parents divorced this year because my dad was running around. Well according to bank statements he is paying not only the woman's bills but is paying her daughter's car note and her son's electric bill, etc. Anything they want they got it. This woman's kids are in their 20s. I have to work to pay my car note and I am his own daughter. Which I realize it isn't his place anyways. But it is the principal. He has NEVER payed anything for me and I mean NOTHING. He has never given me money at all. My mom has helped me when I needed it but not him. But yet he can give them anything. He doesn't know I have seen those bank statements so he doesn't know what I know. It kind of makes it hard to want to be around him when I know what he does for them and has never done for me or my sister. I kind of know where you are coming from in that I don't specifically care to be around my dad either and sometimes I feel guilty about it. But then again does he feel guilty for what he is doing? Apparently not.

I can sympathize [2008-11-13]
If you honestly love him like you say, then maybe it is time for some forgiveness in your heart, just forget what has happened and move on or sit him down one on one and tell him to get it off your chest. My mom and dad divorced when I was one. I am almost 40 now. I won Once he had more kids, I was in the way. He was never there for me even as an adult. His wife (married again when I was 3) only wants to be involved in my life when she can stir up drama. I made the decision to finally cut them out of my life because it was beginning to affect me on a daily basis. I did confront both of them to a certain extent, not all that I wanted to say. But since his wife was stirring up drama with my 4 kids, momma bear came out and enough was enough. I still love my dad, but don't understand how he can be so blind about his wife. Being that your parents are still together, I think you need to either sit him down without your mom and tell him how you feel and maybe he will then understand why you have been so hurt. If you feel you can Just my 2 cents worth...I wish you the best of luck

Slightly different perspective. [2008-11-13]
So maybe I shouldn't post about this since I have not exactly been in your shoes but I think possibly I can lend a help perspective. I lost my father to cancer when I was 19. My FIL is an alcoholic. No I didn't grow up in a divorced family or without a father through my childhood and no I haven't experienced my father being an alcoholic. What I feel I can tell you is there is such a thing as being too late to say the things you wanted to say, good or bad. If it does come to that, you will never let it go. He is still your father regardless of the choices he has made in his life. You only have 1 father. After seeing my FIL, I believe alcoholism is an illness. Sure people can fight it and get help if they wan, but it takes a very, very strong person to overcome it and it is a constant battle. From the sounds of your post it seems as though you have some things you need to get off of your chest. Whether that means sitting down and talking to him or putting the past in the past and moving on with any kind of relationship - I think only you can figure that out. Even a relationship that is only on holidays and important events is still a relationship. Who knows, maybe talking to your mom would help her as much as it might help you. It certainly can't be a short conversation, it needs to be thorough to get through the surface feelings and to the nitty gritty. Maybe, just maybe, your mom could shed some light for you on why she has been able to forget the past to a certain extent and move on. If nothing else, this might make you and your mom even closer and it sounds like no one else (professional or otherwise) would understand better than her. With my FIL, we do not stay when he is drunk or starts drinking. The entire family knows we pack up and leave, regardless of the situation. It hurts his feelings sometimes I can tell, but he knows the circumstances and we have small children that we will not subject to that. It was difficult at first but over the years it is just the way it is and no one says a word anymore and respects where we are coming from.

How Rude!!!! [2008-11-13]
Good for you! The fact that she told you to hold on while shefinished texting would have sent me right over the edge! Congrats to you for teaching her a lesson her parents obviously don I have 2 teenage girls and we have made that rule quite clearthat they will lose ALL privileges if they even thinkof texting while driving or talking while driving. The phone must be turned offwhen they drive and we have tested them on it many times just to make sure they are following the rules.

My dad drinks a lot...or at least I think he still does... [2008-11-13]
but I am not really sure now because I live so far away...and I miss him terribly and I worry. Sometimes, just from my point of view, I think that we might not fully understand what makes people do what they do and we need to love them anyway. It doesn't make the bad things they have done or the disappointment go away, but it does make me feel better. Also, with the health problems, you might not have that long to see him, so why not take advantage of every minute. He couldn't have been all bad. I'm not saying you should buy him a 12 pack, but maybe try to accept him as an imperfect man. Everyone has faults, even our parents.

I think thanksgiving would be the [2008-11-12]
perfect time to make it clear you are NOT joining in the free for all giftgiving. Maybe you could make their favorite desserts or breads instead or think of some other inexpensive hand made gifts. My sister makes jelly or tamales for the sibs and my brother buys a bottle of wine each (mine is piling up and getting well aged). This is exactly why I tell my 3 boys to buy for their wives and kids. I myself don't (can't) spend much on the kids, but I figure their parents need to have that fun, I've had my turn with my own. And I don't want anything at all, in fact, I wish when someone came over, they would have to take something when they leave! But, like I told one of mine, you are making memories, it will depend on your attitude and not what you spent that the kid remembers later. One might forget that expensive day at an amusement park, but remember years later a plain simple picnic because of the feeling of family fun and closeness. Good luck with your pregnancy, I am sure you are unusually tired already.