Paying down debt

Anyone ever use a debt settlement company - sm [2008-11-03]
like DebtAmerica or something like that, one that eliminates 30% or more of your balance owed, consolidates it and gets each cc to settle on an agreed amount, etc. I am thinking of going that route instead of CCCS company which is just a DMP (consolidates it but you still pay back every penny and interest). Either way you have a big black mark on your credit. I owe a substantial amount and this way I can probably be debt-free in 3-4 years instead of 8 years.I know they charge a fee, and you have to pay taxes on the settled amount but it will be a lot cheaper for me in the long run and I can afford it a lot better. So if anyone has gone this route, please give me your input and who you used and if you were happy with their service, etc. TIA!

I used Debt Free Today. Pretty good [2008-11-03]
company. Never had any troubles with them. Just sent them a check once a month and they distributed among my creditors on the agreed amount. I think we paid off in 4 years. Was really nice!

DH paid off credit card. Now I'm paying him back. No [2008-10-22]
nm

I posted back in late August about cc debt - sm [2008-10-14]
in response to someone else giving advice on what to do. I told you about how I had a ton of debt my DH knew nothing about, how I was afraid of him, etc. and that I just did not know how to tell him.I consulted a lawyer and got some insight and advise in case things went really bad whenIdid tell him.Well I finally bit the bullet and told him on Monday. He was off from work, kids were in school, I wrote a 4 page letter laying it all out. I went out in the LR and I asked him if he loved me and was happy in our marriage, I got yes Then I handed him the note (bawling at this point) and said I was going out for a little while and we would talk when I came back. He called me 10 minutes later, upset yes, but not nuts as I expected. We ended up talking for 2 hours. He was quite good about it which really surprised me, he was in shock though. Later last night after he got drunk not horribly so but enough, though he did not turn nasty. I hadasked him not to drink but he ignored that, so as a result he broke down said a few things which I probably deserved, though he does not believe I was scared of him....denied ever threatening to kill me, said if he did he was kidding and it was his sick sense of humor. I told him I take all death threats seriously. But comes down to he does not want to divorce over it, for which I am happy and grateful, and I think this will ultimately help us. We are taking a 401K loan for the debt on his cards, and I will go to a credit consolidator for the debt on my cards......any recommendations on that front? My credit is in the dump so this is not going to make it much worse. In five years we will be free and clear, paid off debt and house at that point. I have a huge breach of trust to heal and don So he learned whata conniving wife he has and I learned that I had what I wanted all along, just didn We still have a lot to work out, and I am in for 5 or more years of snide backbiting remarks at times I am sure, but I think there is hope for us actually.

Well, the only debt we have is our house... [2008-09-28]
so I would put it towards the principal on our mortgage.

credit debt [2008-08-24]
Wow thanks for all the good tips. As this got off the subject and onto other things, I just wanted to say I have heard Al-Anon is excellent for people dealing with alcoholism in a spouse or other loved one. It might be a great place for support for you and your kids. Just a thought.

it is wonderful to see how many people have such strong opinions about people in debt. [2008-08-23]
I thought that the purpose of this board was to be able to post without being judged unfairly or have somebody tell you how wonderful their personal life is, and therefore you are causing their life to be less wonderful with your irresponsibility. Well, the saying walk a mile in my shoes is a good one in this case. Since you have no personal information about the person you are lambasting because they are looking for information on their debt, you can feel superior. Had you had personal information about them, you might act in a more human manner. Consider fighting cancer for 4 years, working and being debilitated while you do, suffering the effects of chemo, going into debt to maintain your home for your children and looking for a way out of debt SHOULD YOU EVEN LIVE THROUGH THIS!! Thank you for the kind comments. To the judgmental people I say please take a step back before you judge. You do not know who you are talking to and if you knew the personal information maybe your comments would be kinder.

Before considering the CCCS or debt relief (sm) [2008-08-22]
places, first call the companies. If you haven The accounts will likely be closed, but after 3-4 ontime payments they will re-age to show as current, will lower the interest rate so payments are lower and you will pay off over a 4-5 year period (in most cases, you can Going with CCCS or similar, has the same effect as a BK, even worse, on your credit rating. The accounts will report as closed, paying under debt management plan. While bankruptcy is an option I suppose, if you I The credit industry is in a mess right now so they are willing to work with you if you're upfront and showing good faith.

credit card debt relief [2008-08-21]
Does anyone have any experience with those companies claiming to reduce debt by up to 70%, etc. ?? I'm drowning in debt. :(

Credit Card Debt Counseling [2008-08-21]
http://www.cccsatl.org/index.asp?_method=viewsc=43cn=486md=debtmanagement Here It is called Consumer Credit Counseling Services. They are legit. Now back when hubs and I did it about 15 years ago, there were no computers, per se, so we went on site to an office. I don We did it, completed it, and it was great. However, they cut your credit cards up in front of you and put them in a huge jar (at least they did back then). Once you join, there are no more credit cards. What CCCS does is works with your creditors to reduce interest rates, payment size, etc. because they are networked. You then make one lump payment to CCCS and they disburse the money. They also take into consideration your income. I think that Also, this is what tells them how long it will take to pay off the debt. Just beware though that if you are behind on payments, sometimes certain creditors do not accept CCCS, so they may hassle you still and some just plain won Believe me, even though we are not late on payments, we had in the past 3 years so much personal stuff go on (sickness, death, etc.) that we have racked up some debt ourselves and may try CCCS again, as one card we have raised the rate to 33% interest because we have a high balance. We make regular payments. All in all, itbad mark but yet a good mark on your credit report for using CCCS. Check with them about that though, as I do not know the specifics. It is way better than bankruptcy... Hope you find some relief soon! My thoughts are with you... I

You must live in a high pizza delivery paying [2008-08-16]
area that they get $7-8/hr. Most make minimum, if that, but keep their tips. Oh, add in gas to save you the trip of lugging it home yourself, then yes $2 is insulting.

How about all you folks having tons of kids? I'm paying for them and your [2008-07-30]
C-sections and OB costs, as well as all your little offspring's school costs.

Do your homework on debt collection (sm) [2008-07-22]
laws also - you just may have yourself a $1000 piece of paper in your hand. Have you requested validation of this debt? If not, I would do that right away. Send it certified mail, return receipt requested. Depending on the age of the debt, I would be very careful about sending the canned do not contact me letter. If the debt is not that old, that can sometimes trigger them to sue. I bet if you send the please provide me with full validation (not verification that you have my name, address and soc. sec#) of this alleged debt. Short and sweet.

I know it's popular, but don't put unsecured debt on your home. [2008-07-06]
No way, never ever do that. It's a huge mistake, you could end up losing your home. The risk is too great.

Pay off highest interest rate debt first, then the next, and onto the next. The house can wait. Do [2008-07-04]
dd

Paying down debt [2008-07-02]
It is getting harderto make ends meet because of all the straws in ourbank account. I have 17k in CC dept alone. It iswith4 different CC companies. OneCC has $200, #2 has about 4K,#3 has about2K, #4 has 10k. The 10K one has a 15 % APR, the others I believe range from 24% to 29% APR. My biggest monthly payment is my house and I owe only $4700 on it and it has 6.3% APR. I sold some things and am getting $5K and that will be enough to pay offmy house. I would love to finally, officialy own this house and get rid of that$350 monthly pmt, but I wonder if I should not pay down on the CC because of the high interest rates. Any opinions. TIA.

Paying Down Debt [2008-07-02]
I feel you, believe me. First, Bravo to you for facing this. That I think if you are so close to paying off your house, you wouldnAdditionally, the interest rates aren What is the total of payments you are making on your credit cards? If you can slap that 5000.00 on your debt first on all of the higher interest ones perhaps paying some of them off. That will free up extra money to put on the rest of your credit cards. Then once the credit cards are paid off, you can then work on the mortgage (I WISH I had your mortgage..). Also we work in an industry where it is easy to pick up extra work---have you thought of that just to get extra money to pay off the debt? That Things are just so bad right now. Good luck, hope this helps...

debt [2008-07-02]
I agree with transferring to 0% when the offers come. I have been doing that for years. Now, I just got an offer for 6.99% for the life of balance up to 12,000 dollars. Going to take that offer, (we are going to remodel our main but small bathroom) and pay off 2 1/2 cc; then what is left over, oh, and going to give my hubby 1000 to get out bike out of shop, so, what ever is left over, which should be 6 to 7000, will redo bathroom, payments won't be bad, like 190 a month and don't use your cards for a good while, just steadily pay. Hope this helps, and life is too short to stress over bills. Keep them in mind but at the same time, think of what you have.

Wow if you & hubs are paying that much [2008-05-29]
in taxes and didn't qualify for stimulus check (because you make too much?), ya'll must be rakin' it in!! Don't think you deserve much sympathy either, right? I know you we're asking for it, but seems a little harsh to kick someone when they're down...

Strive to become debt free... [2008-05-12]
yes, that means living on a budget, telling the kids (and yourself and your spouse) no to impulse buying and splurges. You really can live below your wage if youWANT to and it is better to do it before youHAVE to due to job loss, etc. We are debt free but our home, no car payments, all credit cards paid off, only have the utilities and food each month. It feels great not to write checks to anyone. My DH just finished his obligation of 700 a month child support (Yay!!) which means more towards the mortgage to pay it off sooner. We are content with what we have...too many Americans want it all and want it now, no matter what the price, just charge it or take out a loan for it...crazy!

Oops, should have been paying off a debt [2008-05-12]
/

debt consolidation/relief [2008-05-02]
I'm seriously considering going with one of those debt relief companies to get myself out from under a mound of credit card debt. I feel like I'm drowning. Has anybody had any experience with these companies, good or bad?

I'm paying for all those wives and kids... [2008-04-17]
They only claim one wife as a legal wife, so the others they marry are married in the church but not on paper, so they think they are getting by with polygamy. So what happens to all those wives with children? They go to the welfare office, since they are single moms ( no marriage certificate), they are eligible for Medicaid, my taxes to pay for their children, food stamps, on and on. That is fraud and they should be ashamed of themselves, since they know exactly what they are doing... where is their religion in all this? This is scheming.....they call it bleeding the beast, meaning the government. Of course, they do not care that it is the taxpayeroutside world, since they believe they are the chosen people anyway.

I am not against paying for your child's [2008-04-03]
but I have no intention of doing that for my own children. There are so many kids out there who have everything handed to them. I believe it will teach my children the value of a dollar and the value of their education if they pay for it themselves or with scholarships and hard work. I do encourage them to keep their grades up and will encourage them to apply for scholarships, grants, etc. I think either parent should have to foot the bill for college. If they want to, great; if not, I don't believe the court system should get involved.

so, you think we should reward them by paying for their bed, heat, water, food? [2008-02-09]
nm

Help is a safety net you have paid for sm [2008-11-21]
Food stamps are a safety net we all pay for, all forms of public assistance are things we have been paying for all along. TAKE the help you need! Do move closer to family if you possibly can. I have been in your shoes myself. I lost my home to foreclosure 4 years ago because of having a near-fatal drug interaction and losing my job of nearly 7 years. I made a couple of moves and finally ended up in a small town out of state from where I had lived for 30 years. I lived with a close friend for about 9 months and had the opportunity to buy a mobile home for $3000. The people I bought it from said I could make payments and I was able to pay it off in 5 months. It needed a lot of work and it has gotten it, most of which I have done myself. This project really helped me to regain parts of myself I had lost. It gave me a reason to get up and get going on my days off. I turned this ugly old thing into a lovely, comfortable home I cherish. I have lost about 50-60 lbs since living here and I have brought the idea of vastly cutting expenses in line with making more money. The end result is that I am very well off financially, better than in my entire life. DO get medication to help you if you can. I didn't have medication to help because I am allergic to every psychotropic in existence. I did this by pulling myself up by the boot straps, but if I could have had help, I would have. There IS a brighter future out there. You CAN have that brighter future because you DESERVE IT. That said, no one expects you to get there alone!!! Don't be embarrassed to ask and receive help. You will be able to help others later. Years ago, when my kids were young, I was a single parent, no support and it was Christmas time. My kids didn't even have adequate clothing or food. A neighbor I hardly knew handed me a Christmas card. Inside was a $100 gift card to K-Mart. She said that many years before that, she had been in my shoes and someone had given her $100 one Christmas, she was now paying this forward to me. The only provision was that I return this favor when I could, and that I bought something for myself too because I deserve nice things for my hard work. It was a turning point for me. I have been more of a giver since. Although I could have paid this back last year, I didn't know anyone who would appropriately benefit. This year, I do and I had to tell her that I was going to do this and why. She cried and felt embarrassed because, she said, she was usually in the position to give and it hurt a little to receive. I reminded her that she was GIVING me the gift of giving with pleasure. Others are going to give to you with pleasure, love, friendship and concern for your well being. TAKE IT. One day you'll post back here about how good things are and I'll want to hear it.

Here's my problem....sm [2008-11-21]
My dad is irresponsible and is in financial debt and doom. There is no way he can make the money to pay the bills he has accumulated. He has borrowed money he shouldnt have. Well the situation is... He has been knowing if he didn He refused to pay it. Every time he would get acheck he wouldn Well he kept not paying it for 2 months. Well yesterday they turned them out. It is freezing here. It is going to be in the 20s tonight. He said I don Well he was told and told to pay it and wouldn So now what does he do? As soon as he gets off work he comes to my house cause he don I can So I can He also said he had no money for food because he had to use it all for diesal for his dump truck. So I offered him food too. He also rumages through my cabinets for snacks. I feel like I am the parent and he is the child. My husband drives a big truck and he has been gone. When I tell him what is going on he gets aggravated because he is sitting at our house and all. He said he is a grown man and needs to step up and take care of himself but he is my dad and I can My husband will be home either late tonight or first thing in the morning and this is not going to go over too well with him. I am at a loss.

How old is your dad? [2008-11-21]
Can social services help him out since he cannot manage his bill paying or shopping?

No I live in the boonies. In Nothingville. SM [2008-11-21]
I think he has had someone for so long and my mom took care of the bill paying and he never had to worry about bills or shopping or being alone. And now he can't deal with it. They divorced because he was cheating with another woman. I told him go be with her. I mean they are divorced now. If that is what he wants go get it. He said she has a 28 year old son and a 22 year old daughter with a baby who neither one work and lay around her house. He says how am I supposed to be with someone with that kind of mess. He said if I am with her I will basically have to take on her grown kids too. I said well that is her own fault she allows her grown children to be bums. It is just a dang mess. He got himself into it though. With his bills it is like he can't sit down and say hey I can't pay for 2 vehicles and I have to get rid of one and he has other multiple bills I won't even go into. But if he is struggling to pay for both let one go back. I told him go file bankruptcy if you are having really bad problems with finanes. He said I don't want to file bankruptcy. Oh no. I said well that or lose your stuff. I have tried to give him advice and help him but he won't listen. He is stubborn.

this is horrible p.s. [2008-11-19]
If you don't stand up for yourself (and your kids) you will end up with a son who treats his wife the way your husband treats you and a daughter who feels it is okay to be starved by her husband. I get that you have creditors, but you are a family. You can't have some members paying the price and others not. Either everyone eats a little less or no one does & you find a different way to deal with the situation. Food is not a luxury.

I would start charging the JA for room and board - sm [2008-11-16]
If he is so lazy he wonfriend, and tell him the gravy train has stopped and he needs (1) to either take the dogs and take care of them himself, (2) start paying you $200 a week to feed and board the dogs (a bargin)--and if he fails to pay the dogs go to a no-kill shelter (and stick to it), (3) in the future if he does take the dogs back, that he has to find other arrangements for their room and board whenever he is away, unless he pays you in advance with cash and supplies the food.-- yeah he will think you are a shrew but who cares, I'd be so mad at both of them, DH for not understanding and being a wuss for not talking to his friend, and the friend for being the typical male and taking advantage of a good thing. Good luck, and stick it to them!

Has This Ever Happened To Any Of You Here? [2008-11-13]
This was unreal...I had made a trip to the store for cat food (before I became cat food LOL!) and while slowing down behind a car that was turning, I got hit in the back. No real damage, just a scruff on the bumper of my Subaru Forester, and a bit of a blow to my ego, but the dang kid who hit me was texting her boyfriend while driving and obviously not paying attention to the road. She was only 19 years old! Holy cow! I got out, she got out...still texting. She said, Wait a minute, and continued texting. I couldn't believe it. I have that hands-free voice-activated cellphone setup in my Forester that DH set up for me, so I got back in and called the police department. If she hadn't been so rude, I might have let it go, but when she pulled that, I decided to teach her a lesson. She was horrified to learn that I called the cops while she was texting. She actually yelled at me, saying, My Dad and on and on. I just stood there and looked at her. The cop got there, threw the book at her: failure to yield, following too closely, texting while driving (it's a law here now -- you can't do that) and she has a nasty fine and her insurance is definitely going to go up. She was horrified. Maybe she'll think twice before texting while driving again...before she causes real damage and people get hurt. So thatHang up and drive! Has this ever happened to any of you?

I do pity you...sm [2008-11-13]
It sucks when you have a parent who has chosen to put other things/people before their children. I donjob and not coming home to see his family for long periods of time. So you kind of feel like why should I feel guilty when he didn't? It is up to you if you want to see him more than the holidays and b-days. My dad has chosen another family over his family. I am 31 years old and my parents divorced this year because my dad was running around. Well according to bank statements he is paying not only the woman's bills but is paying her daughter's car note and her son's electric bill, etc. Anything they want they got it. This woman's kids are in their 20s. I have to work to pay my car note and I am his own daughter. Which I realize it isn't his place anyways. But it is the principal. He has NEVER payed anything for me and I mean NOTHING. He has never given me money at all. My mom has helped me when I needed it but not him. But yet he can give them anything. He doesn't know I have seen those bank statements so he doesn't know what I know. It kind of makes it hard to want to be around him when I know what he does for them and has never done for me or my sister. I kind of know where you are coming from in that I don't specifically care to be around my dad either and sometimes I feel guilty about it. But then again does he feel guilty for what he is doing? Apparently not.

Yes. Took up a part-time job and having [2008-11-13]
100% of the income put into savings. Paying off my debt. Not going to live in fear. Not going to live with anyone else, either. Maybe you could downsize on house and cars. ?

backup plan [2008-11-13]
I I have a FT hourly QA job, PT hourly QA job, transcribe pt and also am gathering some transcription from a local teaching university. At this point I don I feel very lucky that I can work as much as possible from home-I I have a lot of debt, not behind but want to get out from under it. 2 kids in college....so far not too expensive as they are both at a JC. Christmas will be all cash and much skimpier this year. If I didn I am just crossing my fingers and toes that my husband doesn Times are tough tough tough. But they could be worse.

Considering my circumstances I am looking - sm [2008-11-11]
forward to the holidays. I'm the one with the mega debt who confessed to her DH a month ago, etc. We will have his debts paid off in full in about 10 days. I still have quite a mess though. We sold back 2 weeks of his vacation time (lucky for us his work allows you to do this) and half of that is paying for Christmas, the rest is being banked in our savings account which needs restoking (used to have $5K in it but only $200 now). We are taking a night and going to the beach to see the lights (free hotel stay due to his travel points) and a nice dinner-- all of this is his idea too--, and he suggested I go up (with the kids of course) and spend New Years with my friends/family up in PA so I am surprised about that. He is going to try to come too for a day or two to have a late Christmas with my family as well. Things are all roses, but considering everything I am looking forward to seeing my dad and one of my brothers, the other is in England and his family is going there to spend Christmas with him in Ireland with his wife's family there. But DH is trying really hard, he even bought me a dozen roses on my birthday a couple days ago and a really nice card, I couldn't have been more surprised....normally I get nada, not even a card. Granted my daughter told him to get me flowers, but still, he went over the top. But I digress as usual....everyone just needs to stay within what they can afford, we are cutting back some of course, but I have a bit more wiggle room now that I have that vacation money coming. Do it every year and it is a lifesaver.

I would really like to know how [2008-11-05]
you all feel about the medical marijuana issue, being in the medical profession. So, I probably should've said, poll time!!! I understand that this was on the ballots in some states, but not where I live. Personally, I would have voted for it. I would also vote for decriminalization, if given the opportunity. I believe the money being spent locking up otherwise hard working, tax paying American citizens could be better spent, and I also believe that itwould bea better medicinal choice for some. What do you think?

I wrote a $10 check to Wal-Mart and turned in to a $40 mistake so far. [2008-11-05]
Here is what happened. When you write a check at this Wal-Mart here, they have you sign something and give the check back. I stuck it back in my purse. They are supposed to void. I was cleaning at my purse that day and paying bills at the same time. I wrote a $250 to pay a loan. I really don A week later, i was looking at my acct online. I notice that that $10 I had written to Wal-Mart went through twice. I called the bank and asked why. They said, oh, it looks like Wal-Mart double dipped. so I was refunded the money. I don Anyway, I became concerned about why that 250 check didn They said $10 was credit to my acct. I did not connect the 2 at the time. I thought, 10, I don The man told me he would look into it incase there was a mistake. He called back the day later and said that was a $10 originally written to Wal-Mart and we cashed it. So I called the bank and told them. They then had me go to wal-mart because they said I owed them $10 back. I go to wal-mart and they say no it is the Telecheck, company they use for this service andthey thanked me for trying to clear it up and said Telecheck will be contacting me. So I get a letter in the mail saying I owe $40 plus I am not allowed to write checks anywhere that uses their service until I pay that $40 back. Whatscares me is that that check said VOID on it and that other bunch wasstill able to cash it and get their money, which I think was dishonest of them...also my bank let it go through.Now what if I were to loosea bunch of those type checks and someone cashes itAGAIN. Man I would be out a lot.Do you think any of this is right? TIA.

That's crazy! [2008-11-05]
I would write a letter to the bank and cancel my account with them. That is wrong that they cashed a voided check. Can't fault Wal-Mart for wanting their money, but the bank should be paying that $40, not you! Not saying its right, but the other place probably doesn't look at the mail-in checks very closely but just send them through to the bank. Bottom line, the bank should have caught that.

Same here [2008-11-04]
I get a lot of questions and where I know a little about a lot of stuff, sometimes I have to tell them I can spell the word they're asking about, but not much else! I often zone out when I'm working and unless they dictate something that piques my interest, I'm paying no attention at all. Sometimes I'll have to go back and read the history to clarify whatever got my attention.

Who would be the best to ask [2008-11-03]
advice about money.I just received my credit score and it is less than 700. However, I paid $6 and received 1 credit score and read at another place I should have 3 after I did this. It did tell me why my score was so low, one was that I don I just paid off my mortgage and I thought that was a good thing. According that that, it is not. I thought maybe I should take out another mortgage against my house. I have a 10K cc bill that is at 28% and thought if I barrowed against my house, I would probably get a lower % and maybe that would help?? but.......another reason it saidwas that I had too many recent inquiries about my credit report. Well, if I borrowed against my house, thenanothercreditor would probably have to look up my report. Another one was that I was 30 days late paying on something too recently and that I had opened and closed an account in too short of a period of time in 2005. Anyway, my 401K guy is always full of good advice and so is HNeither menever seem to want payment for their good advice as of yet anyway. I just wondered if these are the people I should ask OR is there something better out there. Another problem we are faceing is that our checking account seems to always go under at least 1 a month. Everything is such a mess, I am trying to get it all straightened out. I don

Anyone ever use a debt settlement company - sm [2008-11-03]
like DebtAmerica or something like that, one that eliminates 30% or more of your balance owed, consolidates it and gets each cc to settle on an agreed amount, etc. I am thinking of going that route instead of CCCS company which is just a DMP (consolidates it but you still pay back every penny and interest). Either way you have a big black mark on your credit. I owe a substantial amount and this way I can probably be debt-free in 3-4 years instead of 8 years.I know they charge a fee, and you have to pay taxes on the settled amount but it will be a lot cheaper for me in the long run and I can afford it a lot better. So if anyone has gone this route, please give me your input and who you used and if you were happy with their service, etc. TIA!

That's why I have a Tracfone [2008-11-01]
I have heard of cell phone bills that high and higher. I can't imagine paying that much for a phone. My daughter's friend wracked up a $625 phone bill one month from texting and her parents just paid the bill no questions asked.

Tx for your kind words [2008-10-29]
I do feel better. His brother has always felt as though he is superior to all his brothers because his mom keeps pumping that up, telling him how smart he is and wishes his brothers were as smart as he is (it sure is amazing what parent would say such things right in front of you). DH and I do realize they are just ignorant. DH said they are like strangers to me. The moving comment was kind of idiotic. DH would have had a career (and retirement) from the service but when it came time to re-enlistment he was getting ready to sign up to go to officer training, but his parents conned him into a job. They even had a freind who was some executive at a company who offered him a job paying 2 - 3 times as much as what the military did, so we opted for that. They did that so we would move out to live near them. DH showed up for the first day of work and the guy asked him what he was doing there. He said reporting for work. The guy said what work. There is no job opening here. It was at that point he should have turned around and re-enlisted but didn't. After that we moved 5 times in 20 years. Anyway...thanks for the kind words. DH & I are past it....too much going on in our lives to even think of him anymore.

I am glad things are going well for you but sm [2008-10-26]
The debt is not my main issue. My marriage is. All of the other problems are a result of the marriage being bad, and working at home in isolation. The problem is I feel I have no choice but to work at home because of my husbandnight fishing one night a week, leaving straight from work and getting home about 1 a.m., on a work night! He is very rude to me all the time and acts like he doesnI wonder what my life would be like if something ever happened to you mom. It wouldn My daughter I worry about too though not as much. I donhis and daughter is mine even though I regularly remind him that we are both parents to both children. So yes, the debt is there and it does worry me but just showing my husband my debt is not going to solve my problem. If anything it would put me more under his control and anger than I already am.

I was not out buying designer clothes or stuff for myself - sm [2008-10-25]
in my case it was we, mainly him, spent way more than we make. Everytime one of his cards got a large balance (he never looked at the statements and I pay the bills) I would tranfer it over to one of my cards, which again he never looked at, and I had a P.O. Box for--so in my case it was very, very easy to do, and with paperless statements today even easier. We had a lot of things happen in our life over the past 4 years which made the money/credit card issue much worse, easily added $40K onto it (at $89K now)--family death, serious child illness--still dealing with that some--, job loss on my part, private school tuition ($12K a year---no longer go there for the last 2 years), inability to pay bills and heavily borrowed on cards----d-u-m-b I know. So don't be so quick to judge, it is not always so black and white. Yes I did get a few things I should not have, but I know during some of this time I was depressed though not horribly so but enough so as to buy a few things I never should have, but for 95% of it it was my DH never denying himself anything (though he would have if he'd known, and now he is --granted not too happy about it---one tiny concession he has made is only 9 beers a day, down from 12, so maybe he can get 3 days out of a case of beer instead of 2.) So my days of robbing Peter to pay Paul are over. We plan to have an open book when it comes to finances once his are paid off, and mine are enrolled with a debt management plan--- then only use his cards for gas, and work stuff basically--I won't have any as they will all get destroyed and cancelled in the DMP, and will use my debit card for everything --which I do now anyway, so it won't be a huge change for me. I don't think she is lamenting, just realizing what a horrid mess she has to deal with, it is hard, and I have to deal with my DHs comments for years to come, he did a few zingers last night. I will be okay though and have to pay the piper, it is worth it not having to go through a nasty divorce and custody fight as I know it would not have been pretty.

Help. I have made my own prison. Please make suggestions sm [2008-10-24]
I will try to make this brief. I have marital problems, husband is gone all the time. I came to work at home again because I have no help with our children. I need to be here if they are sick and be here when they get home from school. But I have become once again socially isolated (I did this type of work for years and had a job outside of the home and enjoyed it, except for the fact that my children did not get enough attention, so I quit). I do have friends but I don I used to walk several miles a day but never do that anymore, have gained weight, eat junk food, stay on the computer too long. I am constantly busy. I still do volunteer work with my children - Scouts, church, etc., but I am so overwhelmed. My husband is almost never here. It almost feels more like he comes to visit us sometimes than actually lives here, but I need his help financially and my son is very afraid for me to get a divorce (long story, but he is afraid he would have to live part-time with his dad, and they are not close). I have debt that my husband doesn But he won When I tell him I need more money he tells me things like, turn off the cable TV or don The thing is he spends lots and lots of money on entertaining himself. He makes 3 x as much as I do (or maybe 4 by now). I have not been allowed to open his mail for years and we pretty much never talk. I have started to allow things to pile up, mail around my desk, weight around my middle, clutter here and there. I just feel like a big slug. I am tired much of the time. In reading this I sound depressed but I am already taking an antidepressant which I started a few years ago because of my marriage.I love my children so dearly but I am afraid of leaving and disrupting their lives. If I left I would at least get my part of the equity in ourhome, etc., and maybe have a chance at having a life again. Anyway, I know this is long and rambling and jumbled, but I just woke up, from another night of poor sleep. Please suggest what you would do. Thanks

I'm not sure if this will work - but it might be worth [2008-10-24]
a try. Does your husband pay the bills or does he give you money to pay them? Make a household budget, including allowances for gas and groceries. Either add in a little extra for the allowances to cover incidentals that might come up or present him with the receipt after he pays. Another thing I would definitely do -- you might want to consult with a divorce attorney. Don Your attorney will tell you what you would be entitled to. Depending on what state you live in, you may even get spousal support for a short time. You should be entitled to have 1/2 of everything you The debt you have accrued will also be shared between him and you. When youboth of your debt regardlesswho charges it. As for your children, you can discuss that with your attorney as well. Let him know your child Only after you are informed by a good divorce attorney, can you decide what Don Find out first and then decide. Most consultations are free or relatively low cost. If you do pay for the consultation, make sure to pay by cash so as not to leave a paper trail. It would be better to make a cash withdrawal on your credit card, if youneed to. Get your ducks in a row before he has a chance to start picking them off. Good luck and keep us posted!

I just went thru something similar - sm [2008-10-24]
I was the one back in late August and then back on Oct. 13 or so----I had racked up a ton of debt on his and my credit cards which he knew nothing about. I finally confessed to him, he reacted pretty well considering the bomb I dropped on him. He does not want to divorce over it thank God but some amazing miracle. Obviosly your situation is a bit more complex. My DH is not that controlling. I was/am the one to get the mail, and would decide what he would see or not see, though he had no scruples about reading my mail, he would get upset if I ever read anything personal sent to him. As I know it is nothing to get bent about I let that one go. He has never cheated and even confirmed that when I confessed my deceit and financial infidelity to him. Luckily he still loves me enough to keep it together. He is trying a little more, though he has backed off doing a few things he used to around the house, I have taken on more responsibility around here, the price I have to pay I guess. I did 85% of it before, now, 95% (he used to cook dinner....now it looks like I get the pleasure of doing it from now on as he has not done it once since the 13th. Granted any reference to buying anyting is , we cannot afford it....which we can, but yes things are going to be a bit tight for the next five years, but we will manage. I have not done it yet, but Monday going to get the wheels rolling and do CCCS for my debts. His will be taken care of soon as we are selling off a bunch of mutual funds from the 401K (loan) so no penalties though with the economy we will have to sell more than we would have a few months ago which stinks. ---He is willing to economize now that he knows there is an issue though (he makes about 4x what I do). You will have to bit the bullet and confess as well. It is not easy. I wrote him a note and then left the house for a short while, then came back and we talked it all out. I figured my marriage would be over, but I think for the kids and still some feelings for me he wants to keep it all together. We have a good life together for the most part and he knows that. We do things together as a family, still have enjoyable sex once a week (took him 9 days after my confession), and are in tune with each other and the kids. Considering it he has been so good after it , you never know your husband might surprise you like mine did. He has not really made any comments for a week now, which is amazing in itself. My DH generally is the type of guy who blames everyone else for his mistakes and takes no responsibility for anything, so that is why it was such a shock that he is handling this all so well. Generally he acts like a 3-y/o and holds grudges. So it is possible your husband can be a standup guy. I guess it will depend on how much he cares for you, keeping the marriage together and not becoming a part-time dad or having to give you the house or a ton of money.....I am sure that all factored in in my situation. All I said was that no one would win in a divorce. He has been divorced before so I know he does not wnat to go thru that again, sees it as personal failure. But I feel so much better for telling him, a huge weight has been lifted. I still have a lot to get thru but the worst is over. I know my streess is still up there some, but I know longer have to worry about him finding out, etc. So you need to formulate a plan, maybe set aside some ready cash, and and tell him what is going on. You can email me if you want. I hope it all works out for you.

I did talk to a lawyer too before I dropped - sm [2008-10-24]
the bomb on my DH as I wanted to know where I stood. I live in a state where they do an equitable disbursement of the marital goods, assets, etc. I would have a 40% stake in the house, entitled to about $100K in his 401K (1/2 of its growth since we married), 1/2 of assets we purchased together. Though a judge would deem what it fair, either way I would walk away debt-free though I would not have a home if we sold everything. He told me in one of his pissy moments that if we lose the house (which there is no danger of) he is moving in with his parents with the kids and I am on my own. What he does not realize that no judge would give him custody (has depression , threatened suicide, etc) and the kids would want to be with me. He has a temper too that gets the better of him too much and he is an alcoholic as well. So if a judge gave him custody I would be totally shocked. I am relatively healthy though overweight by 70 pounds, drink a glass of wine 5 days a week maybe (that is it--he drinks 9-12 beers a day --every day--- though he has cut down to 9 since the 13th for which I am happy for though I'd rather he quit altogether---But good thing to find out where you would stand in a divorce and what you would need to do in terms of custody if push came to shove.