Hurricane....

• I have not heard from my friend in - Dinosaur
  • I have been emailing you like crazy! - Linda F
  • Hurricane.... - sm

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I live near near New Orleans and this Hurricane Gustav is causing many of us considerable angst! It doesn't help that we are coming up on the 3rd anniversary for Hurricane Katrina I so clearly recall closing up my office the Friday afternoon thinking we may be closed for a day or two, never imagining that it would be 3 months later before we could return! So to anyone who might be affected by the storm, and at this point difficult to say who will be, I wish you the best! I think the hardest part is the NOT KNOWING and just waiting to see what happens

I received this via email in 2004...One year before Katrina and four years before Gustav hit us.  These are so true, yet hilarious at the same time.

To Ex-Louisianians, Present Louisianians, and Future Louisianians:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weatherman pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

1. There is no need to panic

2. We could all be killed

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in LA.  If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "The Big One." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days

2. Put these supplies in your car

3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in LA. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HURRICANE INSURANCE

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, provided that your home meets two basic requirements:

1. It is reasonably well built

2. It is located in Nebraska

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South LA, or any other area that may actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance. So, you'll have to scrounge for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, upon demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, doors and, if it’s a major hurricane, the toilets. There are several types of shutters, all with advantages and disadvantages:

n  Plywood shutters Advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

n  Sheet metal shutters These work well, once you get them all up. But, once you get them up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps that will not heal until December

n  Roll Down Shutters The cream of the crop in shutters.  They are very easy to use and will definitely protect your windows.  Sadly, you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

HURRICANE-PROOF WINDOWS

These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane-force winds. You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like BBQ grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these into the swimming pool. If you don’t have one, get one installed immediately. Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine if you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license. If the address says LA, you live in a low-lying area.

The purpose of an evacuation route is quite simple. It is to avoid being trapped in your home when the storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several hundred miles from your home, along with 200,000 other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be alone.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES

If you don’t evacuate, you will need supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last bottle of water.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following:

n  23 flashlights

n  At least $156 worth of batteries that turn out to be the wrong size for when the power goes off

n  Bleach (I don’t know what for. Nobody seems to know what for, but it’s traditional, so get some)

n  A buggy full of deodorant

n  A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators (ask anyone who went through Camille or Audrey, there will be irate alligators)

n  $35,000 worth of cash or diamonds so that you can buy a generator after the storm has passed from some man with no discernable teeth

These are all, of course, just basic precautions.

As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important to keep abreast of the situation by turning on the TV and watching reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the Gulf and tell you over and over and over how important it is for everyone to stay away from the Gulf.

The last item you will need, but definitely not the least, is alcohol. This is the most important item. Make sure you have enough to last from June to November. This is necessary for escape when you are stuck with relatives. But remember, after the season is over, you will need to restock for the holidays.

ya know how to duck and cover.  I've never been through a major earthquake or a real tsunami yet though.  Hey, there's always time for that.   Cat