Just a warmonger riding his bicycle

Saturday, August 20. Lance Armstrong joined George W. Bush for a 17-mile bike ride on Bush's Crawford estate. The following is an excerpt of their conversation.

BUSH: My ranch is 1,600 acres. We can ride for 17 miles without leaving my property.

LANCE: That's amazing.

BUSH: You betcha. Check it out: I could give away 600 acres to homeless people and I'd still own 1,000 acres of land.

LANCE: Okay.

BUSH: But I wouldn't give away an inch. See, my advisers made it so that I can own a 1,600 acre multi-million dollar estate and still seem like a man of the people. 'Sides, homeless people are mostly insaners.

LANCE: They are?

LANCE: You just called homeless people "insaners".

KARL ROVE VIA EARPIECE: Abort! Abort! Change the subject! The yellow rubberbands, go!

BUSH: Last year, my opponent Senator Lost-In-A-Landslide wore one of your yellow rubberbands. I hope you don't mind that I don't wear one.

LANCE: They're actually bracelets for--

(President Bush brandishes a "Men in Black" deneuralyser and flashes it in Lance Armstrong's face.)

BUSH: Hey Stretch, you know what the nickname for my bike is? I call it "Stretch". What's your bike called?

LANCE: It hadn't occurred to me, Mr. President. I, um, I suppose I can call it "Bikey".

BUSH: Damn. That's a good one. Regime change! My bike is now called "Bikey"! And you're starting to pass me. Step off, Stretch.

BUSH: Let me ask you something, Stretch. What do you think of that woman down there.

KARL ROVE VIA EARPIECE: Cindy Sheehan. Son is named Casey. And she's not there right now.

LANCE: Cindy Sheehan?

BUSH: She went home. I scared her away with my steadfastness and invisible six-shooters.

LANCE: You -- I thought she... I read this morning she's coming back.

BUSH: She is? I know that. She's a flip-flopper.

LANCE: Uh, yeah. Forgive me for changing the subject, but I wanted to talk with you about cancer research.

BUSH: Stem cell research? That's a challenging subject. Hard work. I've talked to a lot of experts who I've nicknamed "Stretch". The various Stretches tell me there's plenty of cells without using babies.

LANCE: I wanted to discuss cancer research, not stem cells. But now that you mention it, they're not babies, they're mainly single-celled embryos earmarked for disposal.

BUSH: Hey -- you know who Professor Stretch, M.D. is?

LANCE: What did they tell you?

BUSH: They told me that killing babies is a sin.

LANCE: The scientific community told you that?

BUSH: Dr. James Dobson told me. And he's a doctor. He also told me how to determine whether my daughters are gay.

LANCE: Back to cancer research, I--

BUSH: Back to what I say we're back to, and I say we're back to "you're not an expert, you ride bikes in France".

LANCE: But I'm an advocate for--

BUSH: You know what my helmet's called?

LANCE: Is it called "Stretch"?

BUSH: Nope. I call it my "thinking cap". And I'm thinking you're not an expert. You know what I call your shorts?

LANCE: Smartypants?

BUSH: I call them "Smartypants". Get back to me when you become a doctor and an evangelical. Then we'll talk. And even then, we'll make sure you say some things I want to hear. Ya' hear?

BUSH: I know that. You want to make accusations against the president. And it's my job not to listen to accusations against the president.

LANCE: But I wasn't accusing you of anything.

BUSH: Hey Stretch! Race me to acre 1,286?

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The warmonger chickenhawk liar is on the TV right now. I cant watch, he makes me want to puke with all his lies..I dont know how anyone can believe this walking piece of dirt.

Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend--you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.

Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or space man? Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side.

So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: 'Take a hint.'

Just a warmonger riding his bicycle

George and Lance: A Conversation (29 comments )