After 13 years of marriage and 2 children I swore
Posted By: trose on 2007-08-16
In Reply to: Do you think you'll move at least 1 more time or - are you in your final resting place? :) nm Wonderi
the next time I moved would be in a pine box (although I plan on being cremataed and srpinkled). We made the mistake of having a 2 story house with no way to put a bedroom on the first floor. I still hope to never move, but some day it may be a must. I have terrible knees and am not sure if I can do the steps 20 years from now.
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no - 17 years of marriage
x
Congratulations on so many years of marriage
It's my parent's 48th this year. Have fun at the concert. I'm actually leaving in a few minutes to go to a Matchbox 20 concert with my daughter. It was her 14th birthday (10th) present from my husband and I. I wish we were going in a limo. The weather her is supposed to turn really nasty in a few hours.
Four marriage counsellors so far over a period of about 8 years (nm) :(
x
Oh, I would have dropped everything! Celebrating 15 years of marriage in June!
Had a copper 7 in years ago before I even had children. Was great! Hubs got snipped once we had
s
my dad swore by every 3000 miles. (nm)
x
My grandparents swore by it for LOTS of things
xx
My grandfather swore by his crossword puzzles.
Called it is brain food. He was as sharp as a tack right up until his finale at 97! As the saying goes.....use it or lose it. Scrabble is also good for seniors.
swore not sore. Ugg. Someday the pounds will go away and the typos too
nm
Children having children not a new thing, where do you live?
My son, who is now in his early 40s, told me years ago when in high school about all the teenage mothers that were at his school and said they brought the babies to school, and he seemed to think it was like the girls having playdolls like when you were little. This is not new and apparently folks think alright to have their children sans marriage, be it preteens, teens or adults. I guess my years alone do not make me shocked at anything anymore. Others talk about this job being isolated and your post says some of this if you were shocked at what the son said.
I should mention that I am 42, have 2 children and done with having children. nm
nm
You must a) not have children or b) your children are young
I don’t see them as being spoiled- I see lots of kids in the age group of one (30+) who are totally in the me scene, not just the 1 I have- she married and her husband same - a me type person. The other not spoiled but just got nasty when he did not get the money left to me and he thought he should. Just to think, this was my chosen 1 if I had to choose. Oh well, live and let live is the way I see things now.
My husband is 7.5 years younger. Been together almost 20 happy years...nm
nm
My feelings; people shacking up together for years and years
and then all of a sudden deciding to get married don't need a thing, obviously. A shower should not even be given. I lived with my now husband a while (nowadays who doesn't!) before we married and I also had been married before years ago but he was not....so of course HIS mom wanted a shower. I told her absolutely not unless it was just the immediate family, his mom, sisters, etc, more like a celebration/get together. And so that's what we did. Showers are tacky, period. Unless it's a couple of young kids getting married straight out of the house and that doesn't happen much anymore.
That would definitely not be enough for me to consider it a marriage. sm
why do you all think you need some obviously lame guy to complete you? Is it just youth and hormones?
marriage
You are so fortunate. In this day and age, everyone is all about "me". My husband has no CLUE what it means to "work as a team." He simply cannot grasp it at all. He does what he wants to, when he wants to and how he wants to, whenever he wants to. If I ask too many questions he gets angry at me. I am now figuring out 15 years later that I made a pretty big mistake by marrying him. However, we have three beautiful children, and the one thing we do agree on is that they need both parents to raise them. My husband would argue the color of the sky if he was in the mood. He is contrary simply to be contrary. I give up. He gives me the information he thinks I need to have. I don't ask him for anything anymore because he absolutely will not do it (help with getting everything done, i.e., housework, paying bills, makign phone calls, etc.). All of the concerns I had before we got married (which I did bring up to him) have come true. I should have known it. People just DO NOT know how to work together anymore.
marriage
I think we are raising our sons to be "mama's boys" and not be the proper leaders they need to be. Plus, in this day and age of no boundaries, children have no guidance and absolutely no direction. My husband does not have a plan from one minute to the next. It is absolutely crazy. he cannot set a goal and reach it if his life depended on it. We just wait to see what he is going to do next. I honestly never know what he is going to come up with. He absolutely adores his children, and they feel the same. I have seen what divorce does to the children, I will not do that to mine. But sometimes, I just want to scream. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I have asked him to go to counseling, but he doesn't see a need (he has everything he needs). I will teach my children what to look for in a mate and the warning signs. Hopefully they won't have the trouble that I have had.
Marriage
Marriage is a relationship that you have to take care of each other first and always. He should always think about what makes you happy and you the same. You both should be covered at all times. There needs to be ongoing communication so you both can determine what makes things work for you. Most marriages fail because people don't want to talk and would rather "mind read" or assume. You know what they say about assume. You should always treat your spouse like he/or she is the most important person in the world and is first in your life. If you have someone that takes advantage of that and does not appreciate it, then that is not the one for you. Ignorance and immaturity takes kindness for weakness. A mature man or woman knows that that is how they should be treated and how they should treat their mate.
Second marriage
I'm planning to get married for the second time. My last marriage was 17 years ago and I've been on my own with my 14 y.o. son for almost 10 years. For my last wedding I dotted all the I's and crossed all the T's but I was so exhausted I didn't even enjoy the wedding. I think I have a mental block for wedding planning now because I never really thought I'd be doing it again. However, I have zero doubt that I want to be with this man. We both just want to be together and can't decide whether to just go on a trip and get married or have something small with our families and a few close friends. We think it would be nice to have our immediate families help us start our marriage off but I can't seem to make myself think about planning things and picking things out. Mainly I'd just like to wear a pretty dress (not necessarily even a wedding dress and definitely not an elaborate one). It seems if you start planning to have one thing it calls for another. I've looked at some of the wedding checklists and it makes my head hurt to think about picking out cakes, etc. I don't want anything tacky but I don't want to spend a lot of time on details. Any ideas? Also, what are your thoughts on giving your future husband a wedding gift. A do or not? Thanks so much for any advice you have to offer. I don't think we are going to wait long at all so I won't have much time to plan a lot anyway, which suits me just fine.
Second marriage
I live in Eastern North Carolina. There seems to be a lot of placed in Tennessee that look pretty romantic too. I'm browsing through those now.
Second marriage
Lots of great ideas. Thanks so much. I really like the iPod idea.
I think she needs to get out of the marriage - NOW!! (sm)
That could end up being a dangerous situation as well. I have had female friends from this type of cultural background who had to go into hiding from their own brothers to keep from being beaten to death for the crime of dating a white man. She really needs to get out now before they have children.
What is there to think about? Marriage...
is taking a vow.
vow
verb [T]
to make a determined decision or promise to do something, which includes not sleeping with other women and no cheating WHATSOEVER. He broke the Vow.
Marriage is a vow.
Of course I understand that marriage is a vow. Marriage is also a commitment. Problems that seem insurmountable sometimes are not, given time.
Before your marriage, did you or did you not....
Let your DH see you in your wedding gown?
Marriage Help
Am hoping to hear advise from other in my shoes. Been married 18 years and completely and totally unhappy. Husband doesn't beat me, is a good provider, just not in love any longer. Kids involved under age 14. Do I stay or do I go? Trying to stay until kids leave house but very hard - hard to even look at him. He has told me i am average but he love me, has corrected all my mistakes throughout the years, because only he and God are perfect oh but he loves me more than anything! A year ago he wrote me a letter that pointed out all my flaws and could not understand why I wanted him to leave. Please advise. I am so terribly sad and miserable and don't know what to do. State I live in very expensive and would never want to move my kids elsewhere. Hints on staying in an unhappy marriage would be great.
Bad marriage
Hi Done:
I left last September after 30 years. I am happy being on my own even though it means I must work long hours to support myself. My husband and I are separated, not divorced and I took no money from him.
The marriage was not so terribly bad - no physical abuse, very little verbal, but the interesting thing is that my children were way more aware of the underlying unhappiness than I would have imagined. I thought we never really argued - they thought the atmosphere was tense all the time.
I will say that I feel lucky that my youngest child is 17. On the other hand, she chose to stay with her dad (as well as my 21 year old son) and that was/is heartbreaking. But I did not have the right to choose for her. I moved into an apartment across the busy street from where I lived. My children can visit whenever they want.
It seems that my children are actually happier now too. Can you arrange a trial separation? The thing is, nothing has really changed in the situation between my husband and I, and it doesn't seem like it will. We both have an incentive not to make things final with divorce - mine is to keep his good insurance coverage, his is to avoid needing to give me any money.
I feel I had a lot of issues in the marriage due to the incest I suffered as a child and he had issues too. We just were not able to make any progress on this stuff in marriage therapy and neither of us has made any inquiries to each other about the possibility of trying again. And do you really think people can change? I just don't know. I think you have to really want to change. And someone who thinks they are perfect and points our your flaws all the time and tells you that you are "average" is probably not looking to change.
You deserve better for yourself. Just do it on your time and at your convenience. It is possible to stay for a while longer until your children are older. I thought I would wait until my youngest was out of school, but there was one of those "last straw" kinds of episodes last year and that was it.
I wish you the best. But just know that your children are aware of what is going on and do you want them to use your marriage as a model for themselves?
If it's you second marriage and the first one
Didn't workout - then don't spend ANY money on the second one. Save it for the divorce - LMAO 
Before & After Marriage..
Before marriage.....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
marriage
Once 39 years and we did not live together before either.
Marriage
I know what you mean about smothering. DH has several guys he works with whose wives won't do anything without their husbands. DH and I have always said we have very little in common except how we feel about each other. He doesn't ask me to get out of our warm bed at 5 a.m. in 20 degree weather to go deer hunting and I don't make him go to the beach with me in the summer and get sand in his shorts. It works perfectly for us. Our 24th anniversary is next month and we have 3 awesome kids. Definitely had our ups and downs but it's all been worth it.
Marriage
Well said. I was just thinking that. My husband just told me I have until the kids get out of school next week to get out. This all started over a milkshake of all things! Why are most men jerks? Looking back I have lost over 20 years of my life for a lot of similar reasons. Friends tell me the same info about God ect. But does God want us to be so unhappy???? That doesn't make sense to me at all!
Marriage
Living with someone is hard work, married or not. My parents have been married 45 years. My sister's marriage lasted just under 3 years. I've never been married but have lived with my SO for 3 years. We would get married if the marriage would be recognized everywhere as a valid marriage.
Sounds like your marriage is over
NM
Not sure what posts are below re marriage
but you sound so very well grounded and truly in love and love your husband and obviously he reciprocates. You are blessed but you also sound like a wonderful person who knows how to compromise when necessary and probably pick your battles - if you even have any!! I am also close to your age and going on 25 years of marriage and watch little things in the marriages of my children and I realize how much I have grown and how truly unimportant some stuff is - but sometimes you just don't see it when you are younger... wisdom definitely come with age!! You are blessed! :))
No, he has a son from a previous marriage, but they have none together. nm
m
OMG you just described my entire marriage..
I am waiting for tax returns and I am OUT OF HERE!! We tried counseling, and for US, it just made it worse. We have 3 children..7, 8, and 10. They are sick of him too and have actually BEGGED me to get us out of this house. I know in my area there are a lot of "programs" to help in these situations and I am hunting them down!! Good luck to you and dont sacrifice your life to be unhappy.
I have a great marriage, and i will tell you what we do
First off, there is no "serving". I am home, so I do all the bills, take care of the kid and cook most of the meals, housework, etc. He takes care of the lawn and brings in a lot more money. He is also very helpful on the weekends. Easy enough.
We are extremely nice to each other, and I spoil him rotten but it goes both ways. The best advice I can give you is to be yourself. We go all out for birthdays, valentine's day, our anniversary and anything else we can find an excuse for.
When there is a problem or something unexpected, we split the responsibility for it or the duties that come with it. Everything is 100% equal. I believe he is the head of household in some ways, but in others, I am. That keeps me from being too much of a pushover and keeps him on the chase.
I have the same questions except it's a second marriage? SM
A friend of mine is getting married for the second time. The first time around it was a huge, and I mean HUGE, affair with an engagement party, bridal shower, bachelor and bachelorette parties, huge Catholic wedding with a huge reception with food and free booze, etc. They registered at Macy's and expected everyone to get their presents from there. There China was over $100 for a place setting!
The couple divorced and now she is getting married again and has sent out invitations to all the festivities. She's planning another huge wedding and she has registered again at Macy's! Now, personally I feel this is just wrong. I think a small tasteful wedding is in order for the second go round and I don't think it is at all necessary to register anywhere for the second wedding. How much China can one person use? I mean, she got almost everything in her divorce!
I'm sort of a down to earth, pratical kind of person so Wal-Mart dishes are fine with me, so I guess maybe I'm not the best person to understand wedding traditions and etiquette, but do I really need to go to Macy's and get another expensive wedding gift?
When I was in bad marriage, I escaped in my SM
work. Whenever he would yell, which would be all the time, I put on my headphones and escaped into my work.
Now divorced, remarried to wonderful man, daughter grown and succesful, beautiful grandchild, wonderful stepchildren, AND I AM DEPRESSED!
I dread work, I dread putting on those headphones.
Group therapy anyone?
Have you tried marriage counseling?
Would your husband be willing to go to counseling? My marriage has been very rocky, and there have been times when my husband and I separated and I really didn't think there was a chance we would get back together. We tried several marriage counselors before we found the one who worked for us. But now - after 27 years - our marriage is finally a happy one, and has been for the last 6-7 years.
But it definitely takes two. If your husband will not go to counseling, then I agree that you should move back closer to your family where you will have the support system you need. Tell your husband he can move this time to be closer to his children.
You can have a great marriage too...
To be miserable. Marriage is work, lots of work, so is parenting, but it takes 2 to get both the jobs done and done right. Talk to your husband, heart to heart, and pray...Good luck!
You know I must be trying to work on this marriage. sm
 I'm about to skip Desperate Housewives and surfing the net to sit next to my hubby who just cooked us up some popcorn so I can watch his favorite movie of all time, "Blazing Saddles." Lord help me.
My marriage must be backwards.
Somehow DH usually gives up watching sports so I'll sit down and watch something with him. So we usually watch my DVR'd garden shows or those shows where they fix up people's houses. Okay, sometimes I watch shows like Smallville with him, but they have to contain a hunk or something for my pleasure too.
Am I doing this marriage thing wrong?
Marriage counseling
I would encourage you and your husband to try counseling to work this out in a way that each of you will be able to have some of the things you want and need.
If he isn't willing to go to counseling, then your choices are live with it or live without him.
marriage is also an institution.....no msg
.
bad marriage. don't live that way!
I learned the hard way in the job world and the marriage world. I'll never reliquish my power to anyone again. I have too much respect for myself than to let any man make me feel less of myself.
A dear MD friend of mine used to ask me (during those bad occupational times), "Why bend over so someone can kick ya in the ass?" I've never forgotten that line, so y'all feel free to use it!
If you go around seeking everyone's approval for your own self-worth, you never had any to begin with. Trust me, it works!
we are in marriage counseling now....sm
We have been going since the beginning of January. I found out mid December that my husband had been having an emotional affair with a so-called "friend." It has helped us a lot so far, although, we are just now getting to the heart of the "matter/affair." We still have a long way to go but I have hope now that we will work it out.
I hope it works out for you both. Take care.
marriage counseling
if you are both committed to really doing the work and making changes, marriage counseling can be a good thing. Having gone thru it five (yes 5) separate times thru almost 20 years of a "marriage" - it never worked because my ex was never willing to make changes. Every time the counselors approached his hot spots (substance abuse, physical abuse, unemployment, depression) - it was time to "stop seeing these jerks who don't know anything".
I believe honest open communication can overcome almost any issues - infidelity, financial, parenting - and sometimes you do need an outside party to guide you thru. Find a counselor you both feel comfortable with, can easily afford and be willing to give it time.
That was 1 man outside the marriage, not pleural
Summertime and the children visting grandparents so did not work nights and time for me then. Years ago in doing this job we actually worked in offices, not at home so when they were out of school they visited out of state with grandparents, aunts and such. Younger then and more energy than now.
You two definitely need to talk or go to marriage - sm
counseling, or both preferably. Your sex life shouldn't take that much of a hit until you get pregnant and have kids. We did it around 3 x a week before kids, now about once a week, have gone a month or more too, it varies. My DH would have it more if he could, he generally takes care of business w/o me once a week or so, I can tell if he has a tapes in the VCR though he is better now about leaving them lying about as we don't want the kids to see them. I don't think we have had sex now for about 3 weeks but that is because he got sick after a recent trip and he is still not sounding great so he is not getting near me yet, nor has he tried though, which doesn't bother me as I can take it or leave it. As for orgasm in sex w/o any stimulation, don't think so, need him to either be doing that or I am, don't be shy about touching yourself if he won't. I cannot orgasm any other way generally, though I have 2 x in oh 24 years, so obviously that is very rare and it is for most women. As for being a little overweight, yes that affects some guys, but most don't care. I have gained 70 pounds since we married and he still wants sex with me. I know he is not happy about the weight gain but it does not stop him. We rarely have long sessions though, 95% are quickies of less than 5 mintues, but I prefer them short, 20 minutes or more is way too long in my eyes (get sore and bored). As for snuggling that is nonexistant for us. It did not help that we spent our first 2 years married with him only being home on the weekends. He sleeps either on the couch or in my daughter's room (he kicks her in with me). I cannot even remember when we last did that, no kissing either (he is a germaphob) though we do sometimes but it is a rare thing. I am okay with how things are for the most part, we have other issues, and as stated below if you are not happy get out now before kids, before financial issues, etc. If it was not for my kids I would have left a long time ago, now I am stuck for the most part, though I am currently working on things so I have things covered if things between us fall apart any time soon which I think is a distinct possibility. You do not want to be in that position believe me. If he won't go to counseling or see a doctor, may low testosterone?? then I would get out. I hope it all works out for you.
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