There are several sides here, listen!
Posted By: helping profession on 2008-12-17
In Reply to: PS I should add that - sm
You had pain - you had suffering - you don't want to be alone. Set some rules, don't have any alcohol in the house at all. If anyone wants to visit at the holidays, they'll have to drink tea or coffee. That's what I do and barely anyone comes. So case closed as far as that goes. No one is saying you're a bad person, what they're saying is don't write your Mom and your Grandmom out of your life because you are punishing yourself. You are in the medical profession or associated with it. You know this goes on all th time in most families that will admit it. The posters who tell you to get over it mean well, they want you to have a family. You set the ground rules. Your OP said you want to forgive but cannot forget. You have gotten off the track here, read your OP again to yourself. Give them another chance with your rules, that's all people are trying to get across to you, according to your OP. Get back on track with the forgive thing and you will be happier. Just set the rules. Believe me, we've been there and just haven't posted what we've been through. Your story sounds familiar. There were no rules to protect children like there are now. You mom must have gotten the same treatment and her mom or they never would have done the behavior. Hate the sin and not the sinner is all anyone said here. They're just trying to shake you into reality before you spend a lonely holiday. If they don't keep their side of the bargain, then you have to tell them, not us. It's up to you, you asked for opinions and you may not like what you got, but you asked and people answered. God bless you and your son. Try to have a happy family holiday if you can.
Complete Discussion Below:  marks the location of current message within thread
The messages you are viewing
are archived/old.
To view latest messages and participate in discussions, select
the boards given in left menu
Other related messages found in our database
there are two sides
in my opinion, if you wrote him off because of a disagreement about money then YOU were/are wrong. i have basically already asked this and you have yet to respond.... have you ever owned up to your part of what has contributed to this dysfunction? it seems to me, from reading your posts, that you blame EVERYONE but YOURSELF for everything. dad was a deadbeat, son is ungrateful, daughter is spoiled... oh wait... i stand corrected. your hubby is absolutely wonderful.
you also mentioned above that you could not be happier with your life... well that is one very sad sad comment. i have a daughter and a son myself and i can't imagine my life being complete and happy without them in it.
I AGREE WITH BOTH SIDES . . .
I know these kids need attention, there are SO MANY needy kids out there, but you have to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN. I have been in too many instances where the child manipulates and the parents see no wrong with what they do . . . it has been very hard to explain to my children why these kids are bad news. They can show a good front, get the sympathy and then BAM . . I have also learned from the past 12-1/2 years of being home with my children, that we cannot take care of everyone else's children . . been there done that. It's a sad, sad situation . . . and only getting worse.
2 sides to the story
First of all I think there's another option that neither you or your sister are seeing, home health aide. Look into it re: insurance etc. I can see where both of you are coming from. I don't know your sister's financial situation or how far she has to drive to see your father. I think that she probably feels she is working hard to earn her paid time off but if she has to use it all to take "everybody" to the doctor what will happen if she needs to go to the doctor herself or wants to take time off for a vacation or mental health day. You have to admit she has a point.
My advice would be not to alienate your sister. You are going to have to work together to take care of your father. I would arrange a time for both of you to sit with your father and lay out the facts. With little to no eyesight, he simply cannot live completely independently any longer. If he wants to stay at home then either hire a home health aide or a live-in caregiver or one of you would have to move in with him. Avoid the word nursing home and instead suggest an independent living facility where there is assistance with daily activities such as preparing meals. Be open and honest with each other. You have your own separate lives and not only do you not want your father to feel like he is a burden, you also do not want to feel burdened. With the cost of gas these days, your sister certainly has a valid point. As far as her popping to Wal-Mart and the mall, she could have perfectly viable reasons for going to Wal-Mart including grocery shopping or perhaps purchasing your father's medications there on their $4 plan. The mall may be her escape mechanism.
You both sound stressed out over this situation and you both need to take care of yourselves first and foremost before you can be expected to care for someone else. Good luck to both of you and remember that you both love each other and your father and only want the best for everyone.
And there needs to be "respect" on both sides. Neither should be "serving" the other! Yo
s
You are cracking my sides, these posts
are soooooo funny, not the BF nut but the others. Thanks for the laughs.
This is a hard topic for me - I see both sides (sm)
I have had prayers answered, but I have seen such suffering too and I know those people have cried out for help. You can always ask, but you never know if it is going to be God's will to solve the problem for you or not. I don't see how you can have blind faith that your problem will be solved when not all problems that are prayed about are solved.
Good reminder about the two sides SM
I'm not condoning the animal kicking; it's wrong and there's no two ways around it, although I have to admit that when I have been trying to go in or out of the door without coming under siege by the dogs, my foot has swung- not hard enough to do any damage whatsoever but enough that it clears a path- but my dogs are small and low to the ground so the arm or shoulder that I might use to push past my big dog converts to a foot or a leg to move the little guys.
That being said, what I'm hearing as an undercurrent is that you live either in a rural or semi-rural area, and you have decided you want to move to the 'burbs and have convinced the kids that they want to move to the 'burbs, and everybody is nagging at your husband to get them out of the wasteland he calls a home and move them to the civilization of the 'burbs. Much like the rest of the animal kingdom, backing a man into a corner is going to bring about a reaction, and the whole overboard on the hunting thing may be him thumbing his nose at your suburban ideal.
Also, there are a lot of people who when they recently get into a new hobby or past-time go just a bit overboard. I myself have about 300 jigsaws down in the basement from when I thought that would be fun (only about 50 of them ever completed). My son has a collection of stuff from his martial arts phase that now sit in the back of his closet. My ex has owner's manuals and extra light bulbs and a million parts for that period when he was restoring his 1950s pickup truck. And I won't even talk about all the crap I have from various crafts I decided I was going to take up at a given time.
If you're looking for a reason to dump him and move to the suburbs, I guess his hunting is as good a reason as any. But obviously, at least to me, there are other issues, and I agree that if you want to save this marriage, counseling is the way to go.
I've dealt with this on both sides.
I have 3 boys. My oldest son is very giving and caring (sounds like your daughter). He's been bullied a few times. Different responses apply to each individual bully. Some bullies can be dealt with best by the school or their parents. These are usually the kids who come from good homes and their parents don't always know what happens when they're not around. I generally deal with the parents if they're level-headed. If not, I go straight to the school.
Other bullies come from parents who don't give a darn what they do. These kids are the hardest to deal with. I have had to face these bullies myself. I flat out told them if they continue to pick on my son or bully him, I will call the police and they will be dealt with as a juvenile deliquent. This seemed to stop things pretty quick. I also followed that up with the letting school know what was going on because I had a feeling the child might pick on my son when I'm not there. The school was great about this and were well aware of this bully's behavior. It alerted them to keep a closer watch on my son at recess when this kid was around.
The other side of the fence is my 7-year-old son. I had gotten a call from his teacher early in the school year that he was bullying a couple of smaller kids. My son had a late birthday, so I held him for kindergarten, making him a year older than most of his peers. There didn't seem to be any problem in kindergarten, but by first grade, he realized that he was bigger than most and could use this to his advantage. From that first call I got from his teacher, I made it very clear to him that I would not tolerate bullying from him. I also told him the school would be watching him and if I hear any reports of him bullying others, I would punish him at home as well. Other than a few minor kid things, he's been pretty great. I even explained to him that because he was bigger than the little kids, he needed to protect them and watch over them like a big brother. He's come home a couple of times and told me how some older kids were picking on his friends and he stepped up and told them to knock it off. I was very proud of him and needless to say, he has a lot of "girlfriends" now.
My point here is that not all parents know what their kids are like outside of the home. It's very possible this girl's mother had no idea. Unfortunately, she was already hurt and angry when you talked to her and it probably didn't help things. I would suggest sticking with the teacher from now on with this one, and in the future, bring any problems immediately to the teacher's attention or the parents (depending on their temperament and how well you know them). Most importantly, I have also taught my children to stand up for themselves, use a firm voice, but walk away if it's just words and we'll deal with it together. The only time I allow my children to hit is if they're being physically hit and the other child won't stop. Our school has a zero tolerance for fighting, and it just wouldn't be worth getting expelled otherwise.
Hang in there. She's only 8 -- the really bullying starts in the teen years (I'm remembering mine), not being popular enough or having money or wearing cool clothes or being too smart or not thin enough. It goes on and on. In that case, I'm glad I have boys. They get less catty as they get older (I hope).
I've lived it, both sides and it goes both
I've been on both sides and I have seen stepchildren thrown in the middle, guilty parents on both sides. I have seen the new single mom (now married mom) want her husband all for herself and act SHOCKED when she realizes she can't have him all for herself...it's not always a fairytale ending. It does sound like the child is playing her and it's obvious why, but I witnessed first hand a grown woman manipulate her stepchildren and husband, until she had both turned against her. Instead of expecting all the attention, perhaps your time would be better spent with your stepson NOT expecting anything from your husband, since you're not getting it, it sounds but instead, go out of your way to give him attention. Take him somewhere just the two of you and eat at his favorite fast food place, go to the zoo, something without dad. When he has to depend on just you and dad isn't there for comparison and pity, you might see an improvement for the better.
My child has been on both sides of that fence (sm)
He has been bullied before but he has gotten really good at standing up for himself. I literally have given him comebacks that he can use if he is being verbally bullied, and have told him that while he is never allowed to start a fight he is always allowed to defend himself and even though he may get in trouble at school, he will not be in trouble at home.
One time last year (fifth grade) he was verbally bullying a boy in his class. He said some pretty mean things. I got the phone number to the boy's house through a mutual friend, called, and then too my son to the boy's house to apologize in person, in front of the boy's parents. We talked for a long time beforehand about how the boy must feel to have to go to school and have someone say things like that to him, role-playing such as "how would you feel if that was you" sort of thing. He also lost computer priveleges for a week. He has never bullied anyone else.
However, he did kick a boy in the shin earlier this year when the boy hit him and said he was going to beat him up. My son is strong but doesn't like to fight. I think all kids should be able defend themselves if needed though.
Breakfast casserole sides.
1. Biscuits with assorted jams and preserves, perhaps a sausage gravy boat.
2. Baked cheese grits or fried grits.
3. Cinnamon rolls/assorted pastries.
4. Blueberry or orange-cranberry muffins.
5. Hash browns or potatoes O'Brien.
6. Sausage patties.
Wow! Such anger at differing sides of opinions!--sm
I don't want to change the subject here, but personally, I do not appreciate the cigarette smokers out there either, at malls, at restaurants, or even adjoinging apartments where I live and throwing their cigarette butts *in my space*, and having to smell that sickening smell coming in my patio door while they smoke, but there is little I can do to stop them. I just have to tolerate it, as it is their choice to want to die of lung cancer, etc. TOLERANCE is the word, I suppose, for the rights of others and we all should respect that. Personally, I wouldn't care if an animal were allowed inside a store. I love animals, too, and they do not cause cancer and induce second hand smoke into my space. How is an animal inflicting on anyone elses rights? I do not understand such anger and vehemence at this subject. My goodness!
Yep! Sounds like TMJ. I wake up with the sides of my tongue...
sore because my jaw clamps down on my tongue and sores on my cheeks from biting them. I would also have an aching jaw for weeks at a time that required mountains of Motrin and muscle relaxers. I finally went to the dentist and now have an acrylic mouthguard I wear at night. I hated it at first, but boy does my jaw feel better. No more aching, no more trouble chewing, no more sores on my cheeks and tongue! Cost me $300 for the mouthguard cause my insurance wouldn't pay, but it was worth every penny!
Go to your dentist!
My SIL fringed all the sides and didn't leave
an opening, although for young ones I really like the idea of sort of sleeping bag. You can buy fleece in all sizes so then you can decide how big you want to make it. My SIL made one for her 6Ɖ hubby so when he is on the couch he is completely covered up. BTW, I think they are beautiful and would live anything my MIL made for me. Well, she once made me a cake with rasins in it....very allergic so couldn't even pretend to like it.
My problem is our kids are the only grandkids on both sides....
so both sets of grandparents spoil them rotten...
100% English, all sides of family, all members. nm
x
But, now listen to this
the mother has been held in contempt of court 12 times so she is not an angel either. Things are not hunky-dory on her part either.
Listen to your PCP sm
See my message above re yoga breathing. I have a friend who has adult-onset ADD. Yes, it can happen - or maybe she had just found ways to compensate all these years until she was diagnosed.
You might want to check into it further....
Thank you...do you really think they will listen to me (sm)
in this situation? I assumed they were only there for people who are being physically abused. Which he did a few years ago, but has not done since. I should have left then...but of course I didn't.
I'm sure they would listen you...
dont know where you live but they also have laws regarding what you can keep on your property, i.e., live pigeons,etc. There is also a law on how many ducks you can have in possesion at one time, meaning the dead ducks in his freezer. You can get into some hefty fines for that though so think hard about it before you start down that road.
I did listen when I was a kid either.
My parents were just a bunch of dumb hard azes that all they wanted to do was prevent me from having any fun. Well, the older I got, the smarter they got.
I am now going through it with my kids and I sometimes wonder how they ever kept sane. LOL. I have a smart-alecky mom that likes to say "payback time."
Please listen up........JMO
I had a male family member that went to stay with cousin every summer. His parents would see attitude changes, a little anxiety maybe afterwards, but he was a high strung kid. Years later, around 21 years, he told his parents the cousin molested him. They even had this kid come to their home for summer. Their child never said anything because he felt because he was a family member, the family would be upset with him or cause family problems, even though his parents had always talked to their children about anyone, including family members, that may touch or act inappropriately toward them to come and tell them immediately. It was devistating to the parents. I feel so sorry for them. They can't stand to be around their own nephew but their child does not want anyone else to know. But because of his age, they don't know what else to do but not say anything because he has asked them not to.
I don't mean to sound negative, but I would have second thoughts now letting a male child go stay with another male child, especially one a little older. That really opened my eyes to just how things happen under the wire and you don't know, no matter how in tune you think you are with your child. Sorry to turn this into a worst case scenario but just be aware.
Listen, you.
I work for a large, world-class teaching hospital and I do pediatric endocrinology.
It's a very small percentage, but it's not nonexistent. Thinking that it only happens to someone else is one of the more stupid things I've heard in a long time.
yes. find a doc that will *listen* to you--sm
(good luck in that regard), but sounds like it could be a thyroid condition or maybe fibromyalgia, or like *hayseed* said, some type of autoimmune thing. good luck to you!
Let him sit down and listen to what you do and say try to transcribe it... (sm)
May be he will understand that these are legal documents and it is your responsibility to make it that way!! Sometimes they have to walk in your shoes or sit in your chair, so to speak, to understand. Hope this helps!!
I don't listen to music, but I have the TV SM
on in the room next to me. Can't miss my Golden Girls. It just relaxes me and I feel like someone is here and the mood is lightened if I am stressed. 
Tell me how to listen to the news when
I get sooooo out of sorts listen to the idiotic, stup*d things people are doing each and every day. The stories I am hearing today- a mother gets on her daughters bus to have the child to fight for herself- with the mother holding the backpack for her child so "it would not get in her way." I think the mother charged with contributing to the deliquency in that case. The mother is telling the courts she is gonna teach her child how to defend herself?? What a crap! Another case today is mother who threw her 6 month old child at a police officer when the mother being investigated for having drugs in her trailer, another mother doused her 3 children with solvent, fires them up and the youngest child has died. Friends let a blind guy drive and he has wreck and dies- what in the hel* is happening with this news business. I cannot hear the news without all this insanity..
My veterinarian did not listen
I went this morning to get 2 more prescriptions for my oldest catt as she needs something for appetite stimulation and she has a thyroid problem (just like her mama.) I was talking with the front office and talking about the fact that she was still having issues with throwing up. Lord knows I have tried anything I could think of, changing the food several different ways- I would hand feed if it would help- and I brought up the subject of anything else over-the-counter I could use besides the Imodium they told me I could try. The front desk then tells me the Imodium not for problems with throwing up but soft stools?? They then went back to read on her chart where veterinarian had made note of my saying soft stools. This NEVER happened. I have not had a problem with those. You know, from the vets to your regular physicians, these people are just NOT listening. I called yesterday in fact to reorder her medications so would not have to wait and you guessed it, not ready when I got there and still had to wait. Why, why - This is a big problem and not just with animal doctors, with regular physicians.
Don't listen to that one mean poster (sm)
That is so sweet - don't listen to these people. If he was 12 I might be concerned. I lay in the bed at night with my 10 year old and read to him every night. He thinks I'm his mom, that's all. Your son will get through this. It is just a phase I'm sure.
Enablers listen up.
I posted on this board about this before. Anyone who is an enabler should take heed. Just found out tonight my high school friend of 40+ years has lost her son at the age of 34. He basically gave up, drank himself into a stupor, would not accept any help about getting him in a hospital and now has died. He had cirrhosis, kidney failure, has been on a vent- I tried to talk and talked incessantly to her about her not throwing a rope to him all the time. She has lived her life for him as well as her other son (who is in his 30s also) and ran for them, paid their bills, let her own self go to finance their wants and such. I am positive when he finally just sat down and refused to get up and finally could not get up that she probably still went to his home and I am sure she still took him beer. No amount of talking would ever change her mind that she was doing the wrong thing for him. She does this with her other son as well. She has made both of these grown children invalids and yet she did not see and does not see still. I am sorry for her loss but when do enablers ever think or know that possibly it is them that cause a codependency relationship like this? Folks, if your children are still leaning on you to support them, please understand how much harm you actually do. I feel sorry for her loss.
I can't listen to it, for reasons I just can't go into. nm
!
my money's on your dog. Listen to
him. My old dog one time was growling so low I did not hear her,I felt it through the leash at a park. It was a really nice looking young man whom I would not have been suspicious of at all, but when I looked down at her, her fur was up and she was poised to attack, a typical german shepherd stance with one back leg crouched. She did not like him at all and was not even wasting her time barking. I had to hold up hand up to him and tell him to stop where he was. This was a first although I had seen her become very protective in the house, always slept between me and the door and she always tried to answer the door ahead of me. It turned out these were gypsy pavers staying in my sister's park and they were all nothing but trouble, even making the news in Chicago when one mistreated her child in the parking lot.
Oprah probably does not have to listen to all the
Indian speakers I have to day after day.
don't listen to this garbage
No, no, no. Do not listen to this. Someone is making a play for your guy. Don't doubt it.
you'd best listen to other poster.
At least check it out through another source. don't EVER trust an employer that much, unless you just want to open yourself up to being taken.
Exactly what my husband said. Could not listen to
nm
Your gut is telling you something - Listen!
x
Doctors do not always listen
I needed bilateral ear surgery (typmanoplasty and mastoidectomy) not too long ago. The physician left it up to me which ear to do first, depending on my pain and hearing. I chose the left due to the amount of pain and drainage.
I reported to the hospital (a very prestigious teaching hosptial - in US New and World Reports top 5) that morning and the OR consent form stated the wrong ear. It said the right, rather than the left. I explained to the resident it was wrong and he proceeded to ARGUE with me, that I should just sign the consent form. I finally asked to see my own surgeon prior to signing and he agreed with me and changed it and reversed the OR equipment etc.
In my case it would not have made much difference since I needed 2 surgeries any way.
But what about the older, scared, and confused patient with no family there?
Maybe the patient did state the prima donna physician did not listen.
listen to your conscience...there is your answer--sm
not to mention the 10 commandments...thou shall not kill.
Or have him listen and just try to repeat what was dictated.
w
Do you listen to music while you work?? (sm)
I do sometimes if I get sleepy or if my mind starts to wander. Not anything with words that I would pay attention to, mostly just music, fast paced helps me type faster - anyone else? Just curious
I really tried, and my daughter didn't listen, now HIV+
I hear what you are saying and if words alone would have done it, my daughter would never, ever wound up like now. I was NOT overbearing, too lenient in fact now that I think back. I have posted here before, in the 80s about every other report was HIV but then NO name for it, did not want where from, horrible dictations and I tried. People just do not understand that talking, religious upbringing, close-knit families, whatever still does not stop a child from indulging in sexual behavior if they want to. I probably would focus more now on the SAFER aspect of sex, nothing can be completely safe except no sex at all. I understand but hopefully you can be close enough to help her get birth control and also a frank talk about SAFER sex. Lordy, you got to get around the sexual issue before worrying about the smoking.
Is this an indicator I should divorce - listen to this (sm)
I posted yesterday about my husband planning things without me.... Then yesterday he sent an e-mail that his company is looking for someone to go to Africa to work for 5 to 6 months early 2008 and should he apply. I got all excited at the thought of him being gone for that long!! How awful is that?? I can remember when I would be sad that he had to be gone for three or four days! Now he tells me he was kidding and that he would never really go work in Africa like that. I was disappointed! I have been trying to decide if I would be regretful if I divorced him but I can't believe my reaction to the possibility of him being gone and my disappointment that he was staying!
Be Happy Listen to Jimmy
http://solosong.net/jimmy.html
Happy Valentine's Day - We are going to a luncheon at local county club compliments of physicians at Lakewood Regional Medical Center.
1-3 P.M. I am taking some business cards although I think this is for Sr. Citizen GTG. I'll drink to that as well, always open to new friends but there may be a doc or 2 and I know how to work a room real well so might as well have a few cards in my pocket. Never fails, elevators, coffee shops, alway running into a potential client either for me or for my many associates !
Don't listen to the neighborhood cats! (sm)
People like that will always have something to say no matter what you do. Some people just look better with longer hair. I love short hairdos but they don't look good on me. I am 40 & my hair is right at shoulder length - it has never looked good on me shorter and I have thought about the fact that as I get older I probably will still want to keep it longer. I will always wear my hair however I want - you should too. Perhaps at your neighbors' ages they should grow up and not worry about something as silly as someone else's hair length!
Have considered it before - would they listen to me, his wife? (sm)
Would I have to show proof?
my kids didn't listen either
until I gave them a set time such as you have to take you bath and have your teeth brushed by 8:00 and if it wasn't done they lost a privilage. After a couple of times they saw I was serious and the problem stopped.
Yes, I'm so glad I didn't listen to that vet....
I wouldn't have my dog any other way! HE doesn't think anything is wrong at all! He definitely won't be felt sorry for!
So your dog was born able to hear? Apparently mine was born deaf...he has what's called double-dapple in. It's what makes his eyes blue, so says a breeder friend of mine.
He is also VERY intuitive to small little details. All I have to do is START walking towards the closet where I keep his leash and he is spazzing around because he knows it's walk time.
Thanks for sharing!
Never have to spank mine and they listen very well nm
x
There is an up side - I don't have to listen to him snore!
Well, okay, I have to listen to him in the other room, but at least its not right in my ear!
you can listen to samples of the albums
Go to amazon.com type in Johnny Mathis and pick an album and they will let you listen to samples of every song. Good Luck!
|
