Definitely try counselling; then at least you know - sm
Posted By: on 2007-12-16
In Reply to: What would y'all do??.....sm - Help me please...
you tried and did not run at the first sign of trouble. It is possible they had not had sex yet, but unless he or she fesses up you will never know for sure. My DH cheated on his first wife; he does not cheat on me (so guys don't always keep cheating) though I know he is not happy I have gained weight (about 70 pounds heavier than I was when we married) but he is still not getting it elsewhere. No I am not being naive; he is also germophobic so I am very surprised he cheated on his first wife (3x but no long affairs or anything, we are talking one-night stands). His ex used sex as a reward/weapon; which is I think a big mistake and just asking for your spouse to cheat. I have also told him pointblank if he cheats, I will divorce him and he will only see the kids every other weekend, etc. He lives for our kids and loves them to pieces. If your DH has any sense and loves his kids he will try to keep the marriage together and work on improving it. Obviously you need to work at it too, it takes two to fix the problem.
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Been to counselling
We have been to counseling. Both DH and I right after our first dd was born. It was mainly about MIL and her enmeshment in our marriage. The counselor made H mad because he “took my side and want him to can his mum.” He told H he needed to put me first. H does have a good paying job, plus he had a little side bus. of mowing lots to help support his family. The counselor says since was doing all that then I should be able to quit job and keep my child at home. H waited until we were out in the parking lot and said that if I quite my job some of our stuff was going to have to go and it wasn’t going to be anything of his. He said he wasn’t going back to that quack.
So, I turned out a MIL message board. They told me about emotional incest. DH found all my post and forward it to his mommy and when mommy confronted me she made it sound as if I had accused all their family, aunts, uncles, cousins of having one big orgy. She said that they are just a loving little family and my family was unloving, uncaring blah blah blah Then she wanted to know why I felt so insecure in the marriage.
I went to a female counselor. She said that unfortunately that this kind of relationship that H and MIL share is getting more and more common and it is not a good thing. She said this self-centeredness, codependency is all a product of that kind of parent/child relationship. She recommended a book that I read called Emotional Incest and show it to dh but I didn’t because I know he would get mad and again, cuss me out, tell his mommy and accuse this woman of being a quack and then here we go again.
Aside from this behavior, I know the only one I can change is myself. I am insecure. I almost believe that is why dh married me because I had doormat written across my forehead. I am getting better but I have a lot to do. I would leave in a jif. It is just a survival issue for me. It is not just me, I have 2 kids to think about. Two small ones at that.
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