You can't fix it
Posted By: deenibeeni on 2009-01-23
In Reply to: What do I say? - NYMT
The problem with your comments is that they are intended to make her feel some way other than the way she is feeling. My experience with grief is that a lot of times this is more for the comfort of those around the grieving one, not the grieving one herself. The best thing you can do is to validate her feelings. They are not inappropriate.
You are right, she is probably feeling terrified, among other things. You can't reassure her that nothing is going to happen to her father or you, because even though the odds are that it won't, odds are also that it might. This is just life. Pianos fall on people's heads all the time. Better to acquaint her with the concept of the small chance of it happening, but rejoicing in the fact that We Are Here Now. I've learned this the hard way, having lost my father at 19 and the rest of my immediate family (mother & 2 sisters) by the time I was 40.
Find out what her feelings are. Let her tell you everything she is feeling & then sit back & don't judge those feelings & don't try to change a thing. Your only comment should be "Yes, that must feel terrible." Stop with all the reassurance & make your goal validation.
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