Our Self-Esteem

Dear Butter and Clutter,

I was married to "your" husband for 12 years.  To paraphrase you "he had a good job (lawyer) and was sometimes nice."  But mostly he wasn't.  He had good qualities too, mostly he had a good job and liked me and found me very attractive in the beginning. 

As the years went by things got worse.  Nothing I could do was good enough.  And I tried everything.  Therapy, cooking, cleaning, weight loss, you name it, I did it.  He was mean, sullen and critical.  He was also angry and violent toward others and drank to excess.  I even stayed with him after I found myself in the hospital in another state diagnosed with a tumor the size of a grapefruit and a 50/50 chance of dying within 3 weeks, and he didn't even come to be with me when I had emergency surgery.

One day I caught him with his secretary.  It felt like a slap in the face.  When I asked him why, he said she looked like I did 10 years ago (at that time).  That was my wake-up call.  I had thought about leaving him for years and was afraid to.  I didn't make much money having just started my own little MT business.  I had cashed all my stocks and 401K to put him through law school. I had no money at all.

But I left.  What I realized was that this wasn't about him.  It was about me and what had become of me over those 12 years.  I was beaten down, my self-esteem and self-respect were gone.  I had allowed myself to be belittled and emotionally and mentally abused into thinking I was underserving of love and respect.  That I wasn't good enough.

I am now with a man who loves me unconditionally.  He's been by my side through breast cancer, financial despair and even gaining a few pounds!  He's a truckdriver, not a lawyer, and I thank God everyday that I know I deserve to be loved and treated this way.

You do too.

• Sorry to post again about this but (sm) - Butter and Clutter
  • DH not happy = his prob. Let him leave or stay or decide - his own level of happiness. I would just be me. nm
  • It is not going to get better. It is only going to get worse. - Malia
    • equally as bad for these children to see her berated - not a good thing at all.....sm
  • Our Self-Esteem - PinkLady
    • Great post, I was in SAME situation..sm - he will never be happy with himself!!! Get it?
    • Wow - that sounds so much like him (sm) - Butter and clutter
    • Well said! - Jan
  • I have followed your threads since they - trose
    • Thanks everyone - I know it seems like (sm) - Butter and Clutter
      • please read my post below to mtmomof3...n/m - he will never be happy with himself!!! Get it?
        • as I think it also applies to you....s/m - he will never be happy with himself!!! Get it?
  • Red Flag - Chris
  • Don't beat yourself up. If you divorce, no one will be good enough for him. sm - MQer
  • I am going through a similar situation... - mtmomof3
    • it's not you mtmomof3.....he cannot ever be...sm - he will never be happy with himself!!! Get it?
  • A similar situation (sm) - CAMT
    • GREATpost-reminded me of Kathy Bates' character - in Fried Green Tomatoes!!! Towanda!!!...s/m
      • and no, I'm not Towanda the other poster here...n/m - in Fried Green Tomatoes!!! Towanda!!!...s/m
  • only you know the right thing to do - decisions, decisions - SM
    • GREAT POST!!!! - couldn't have said it better myself!! NM
  • From the picture you paint, it is SM - Flora
    • its better to raise kids in a happy divorced home - than a miserably married one.......NM
      • That is true, but you will need your family's support - and that may be literal.
        • nope - I don't agree.............sm - he will never be happy with himself!!! Get it?
        • Nope, don't necessarily need family support - though it would be nice - SM
          • not just in family matters - s/m - he will never be happy with himself!!! Get it?
          • Aren't there any agencies to help you? I cannot believe SM - Flora
            • the child gets Medicaid and WIC and the - state paid to get a CS order, SM
              • Child support works by you supplying info to them - so that somebody's salary can be garnished!!
                • forgive me-I didn't realize you were the grandparent! - so that somebody's salary can be garnished!!
                  • thank you for the kudos, but - as is every state I've encountered - SM
                    • great post and I so appreciate what you're doing!!sm - so that somebody's salary can be garnished!!
  • read prior threads-you already know answer(s) - Best of luck........no message......

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